You give up or I kill myself

[BeingSonia]

is what my wife told me yesterday night.
Ugly argument and one plate departed.
I understand this is really hard for her.
She divorced once already.
She said she doesn't want to divorce a second time.
She doesn't want her friends and family to know about me.
She doesn't want to be seen with me if I become a woman.
She said she isn't into girls, not a lesbian.
She prefers to kill herself. I think it's a bit extreme...
I only had 2 therapy sessions so far. I'll have a 3rd one this Saturday.
It's been liberating for me to at least crack my shell.
My wife knew about me being a girl inside from the very beginning, when we started dating.
Getting therapy was maybe the last straw and she exploded.
I thought she was kind of accepting it since recently she is using my sunglasses and my necklesses.
She must be struggling, seeing her life heading to the ditch. Or is it really heading to the ditch?
Can she promise me we would live happily ever after until we are parted by death?
No, she can't. Neither do I. Me not being happy is going affect her in some ways.
I don't want to abandon her. I told her that. I told her I loved her.
I asked her to do some counselling so she can find a way to deal with the situation.
Leave me and accept it or accept who I'll become.
I know I'm being egoist for wanting to transition. I kind of hate myself for that.
Maybe I don't love her enough to continue to bury my feelings or she doesn't love me enough to let me hatch out or both...

Life sucks sometimes...

Sonia

[Jessica Merriman]

I know I'm being egoist for wanting to transition.

No sweetie! You just want to live and be happy, nothing more.

[Jill F]

I don't think I could be married to someone capable of that kind of emotional blackmail.

Big hugs, and I hope she can come to grips with this fact she was already well aware of.  You have done nothing wrong, but she did something inexcusably hurtful IMHO.

[BeingSonia]

> Jessica: thank you!

> Jill: Thank you too. Was your wife OK from the get-go or you had to 'work' in her?

[sad panda]

Hmmm... this is not to be insensitive. But I would feel sort of the same way. Maybe she just really loved you and feels hurt that that's crumbling down. Sorry I get really really sad about these threads. Why does this happen so much.

[jussmoi4nao]

What was her vow? "I take this man to be my lawfully wedded hussband" right? You pledged yourselves to each other as man and woman, and that comes with responsibility, imo. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to express your femininity...ughh, I'm with Sad Panda on this, these threads, I feel badd.

If my dad transitioned I probably would never talk to him again, I just couldn't. Id want him to be happy, but I cpuldnt deal and id be loyal to my mom in that situation. Same goes for any potential BFs. Being ourselves is good, yes, but if you're married and/or have kids you're responsible to someone else. I think if you knew your gender identity at the time it was quite unfair to marry her, but that's my opinion.

I don't judge anyone, but you're asking for our opinions, and while I care about and empathize with your pain your wifes matters too. She's thinking about killing herself. Maybe it's because to her, Sonia is killing the man she loved and married and maybe she doesn't want to live without him.

When you pledge responsibility to someone that means not always knowing what's ahead but being there anyway..the only problem on her end, is she feels like the person she pledged herself to is fading and that she doesn't owe this new one anything. On your end, I think you need to find a compromise you can bth live with.

I'm sorry I can't say "she's a dramatic b-ch" or "she's just selfish" cause I don't believe that at all.

Good luck sug!

[Kimberley Beauregard]

I don't think I could be married to someone capable of that kind of emotional blackmail.

This is really my only take.  I know it's difficult for her, but still.

[Jessica Merriman]

You have to understand some people only realize their Dysphoria later in life though. Not all of us were single and young when the signs of Dysphoria hit. I had a feeling something was wrong with me, but being a Flight Medic I had never heard of Gender Dysphoria. If a trained career medical professional like me didn't know about it shouldn't it be possible the poster did not realize until after marriage? Don't be to hard on the posters in these topics.

[jussmoi4nao]

You have to understand some people only realize their Dysphoria later in life though. Not all of us were single and young when the signs of Dysphoria hit. I had a feeling something was wrong with me, but being a Flight Medic I had never heard of Gender Dysphoria. If a trained career medical professional like me didn't know about it shouldn't it be possible the poster did not realize until after marriage? Don't be to hard on the posters in these topics.

Oh, but she said she did in this case, if you read the post. But I'm not judging, I'm just offering my perspective, sorry if it came of as mean it's very late so I might not phrase myself so good at this hour xD

[Jessica Merriman]

it's very late so I might not phrase myself so good at this hour xD

I missed it. I need some sleep as well. Good night Abbs!

[Tori]

What was her vow? "I take this man to be my lawfully wedded hussband" right? You pledged yourselves to each other as man and woman, and that comes with responsibility, imo. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to express your femininity...ughh, I'm with Sad Panda on this, these threads, I feel badd.

If my dad transitioned I probably would never talk to him again, I just couldn't. Id want him to be happy, but I cpuldnt deal and id be loyal to my mom in that situation. Same goes for any potential BFs. Being ourselves is good, yes, but if you're married and/or have kids you're responsible to someone else. I think if you knew your gender identity at the time it was quite unfair to marry her, but that's my opinion.

I don't judge anyone, but you're asking for our opinions, and while I care about and empathize with your pain your wifes matters too. She's thinking about killing herself. Maybe it's because to her, Sonia is killing the man she loved and married and maybe she doesn't want to live without him.

When you pledge responsibility to someone that means not always knowing what's ahead but being there anyway..the only problem on her end, is she feels like the person she pledged herself to is fading and that she doesn't owe this new one anything. On your end, I think you need to find a compromise you can bth live with.

I'm sorry I can't say "she's a dramatic b-ch" or "she's just selfish" cause I don't believe that at all.

Good luck sug!

Being trans is not a compromise. Neither are ultimatums.

Relationships can be ugly, especially marriages, even the good ones.

To place blame on one person or another in a union is often misguided.

Ahhhh... to be young and transitioning...

Life gets complicated real fast, with or without dysphoria.

[Kimberley Beauregard]

I agree with Tori and Jessica here.  This is not to attack anyone in this thread, it's the principle.  I think threatening suicide is a downright horrible thing to do to another human being.  I'm friends with some decent people who were in relationships where their partners would threaten to kill themselves if they didn't visit them, and those friends are now too scared to get close to people.  It angers me that they're broken because of this.

This is coming from someone who used to suffer from soul-crushing depression.

[Mermaid]

Nothing justifies this kind of threat, emotional abuse and blackmail. Whether she has reasons to be upset or not, it's very harsh and aggressive. It's not your fault that her first marriage failed, anyway.

If it were me, I'd get away from her, regardless if she's right or wrong. Easier said than done when there's feelings in the mix but... yeah. Just not something I think anyone should have to live with. Sounds too self-absorbed... in addition to struggles with your identity, you have to juggle the pressure of someone saying their life is in your hands?

[Tori]

You have to understand some people only realize their Dysphoria later in life though. Not all of us were single and young when the signs of Dysphoria hit. I had a feeling something was wrong with me, but being a Flight Medic I had never heard of Gender Dysphoria. If a trained career medical professional like me didn't know about it shouldn't it be possible the poster did not realize until after marriage? Don't be to hard on the posters in these topics.

Also, not too long ago, there was a time when being trans was much more taboo than it is now and many of us grew up way back then in the 50's, 60's, 70's or even 80's. We were usually conditioned by region, politics, society, school, family and/or indoctrination of some holy sort to keep our transneess hidden.

Accepting your own need to transition does not come easily for everyone. It is much more common now. Families are more tolerant, schools are more tolerant... etc. Many more children and young adults are transitioning. It is not perfect yet and may never be but things have come a LONG way in my lifetime.

Being trans still can suck so bad, I think the youngest transitioners may not realize how much worse they used to be, or how quickly things are changing.

[Christinetobe]

I am sorry you are dealing with this now.  It seems most of us who either denied or didn't understand what was wrong when we were younger end up in a somewhat similar situation.  Just please know that no matter what she does or does not do those decisions and actions are hers.  You are only responsible for what you do.  I am not saying to ignore her threats but you have encouraged counseling and that is about as far as you can take it.  The decision now rests with her.  I wish you the best.  I know how hard it is.  My former wife has had multiple suicide attempts and of course Blair's me for all of it even though the first was prior to us even meeting.  But also remember there is never an empty suicide threat if you even consider it you truly do need some counseling even if she won't go I would talk to your therapist about any specific warning symptoms you should be alert for.  Big hugs and hang in there as possible.

[luna nyan]

Sonia, I wish you luck in resolving things with your wife.  You're both hurting badly, but I hope you both can calm down and have a good heart to heart talk.

As a reply to some of the comments:

I think as always there's a generational difference regarding GID matters.  Society has shifted and has become more tolerant of alternate lifestyle/self expression.  However, I think people have lost sight of the meaning of tolerant - it means to allow to happen, but not necessarily approve.  In any case, it's become much easier to access care for TG folk from a far younger age, and awareness is much much higher.  It's less likely now that someone with GID would muddle their way through life unaware that it is a condition, and that it can be treated/managed.

Many of us in the situation who are married, went into marriage with good intentions with the thought that things are under control, or either unaware of it.  I spent a year in therapy sorting myself out before I married and was fairly confident that I could cope with _not_ transitioning.  If the support networks available now were around when I was a kid, there's every chance I might have transitioned young - back in the 80s all you saw of TG folk were the caricatures of people on Donahue - as far as I knew, if you were TG you were either a showgirl or hooker, and that was not a life I wished to lead.

As Tori said, being trans can still really really suck.  It just sucks less than before.

[Hideyoshi]

If my dad transitioned I probably would never talk to him again, I just couldn't. Id want him to be happy, but I cpuldnt deal and id be loyal to my mom in that situation.

How would talking to your father if he transitioned be disloyal to your mom? Isn't it a bit ironic to not want to talk to someone again because they transitioned?

[sad panda]

Sonia, I wish you luck in resolving things with your wife.  You're both hurting badly, but I hope you both can calm down and have a good heart to heart talk.

As a reply to some of the comments:

I think as always there's a generational difference regarding GID matters.  Society has shifted and has become more tolerant of alternate lifestyle/self expression.  However, I think people have lost sight of the meaning of tolerant - it means to allow to happen, but not necessarily approve.  In any case, it's become much easier to access care for TG folk from a far younger age, and awareness is much much higher.  It's less likely now that someone with GID would muddle their way through life unaware that it is a condition, and that it can be treated/managed.

But trans stuff has been very prominent for at least the last 5 yrs, so why are people still coming out of the woodwork having a revelation, at 40, 50, whenever?

It just doesn't help to assume that this will change. Cause if it doesn't, then it makes those people look invalid, you know? Maybe we should be asking ourselves why we want to explain it that way so much. if gender identity really is innate and lifelong or if we just pressure people to act like that. And whether or not this stuff is a choice.... if dysphoria is inevitable or people just let tnemselves get wrapped up in what may or may not be a problem otherwise.

Like, these same people weren't going, I must become female or die, 100 years ago. Almost nobody was doing that at all. It's not actually a definite need until people think about it enough to make it seem like one. IMO... slrry to distract OP's thread though. I get too judgmental always hearing endless divorce stories. It just makes me really sad and I wish it didn't have to happen.

[Carlita]

If my dad transitioned I probably would never talk to him again, I just couldn't. Id want him to be happy, but I cpuldnt deal and id be loyal to my mom in that situation. Same goes for any potential BFs. Being ourselves is good, yes, but if you're married and/or have kids you're responsible to someone else. I think if you knew your gender identity at the time it was quite unfair to marry her, but that's my opinion.

How can you say that when YOU are transitioning?

How about if your dad grew up in a world that was far less knowledgeable, understanding and tolerant of transsexuals than it is today (and it's not great now, BTW)? How about if everyone he went to for advice told him not to be so crazy, 'Just 'man up' and live life the way you were meant to'? How about if he tried extra-hard to be a good husband and father because he felt so bad about his secret feelings? How about if he tried everything he could think of to 'cure' himself of his oh-so-disgusting, shameful (in other people's eyes) condition? How about if, despite all that, he loved you deeply, had worked hard all his life to provide for you, and would be devastated if you deserted him now, in his hour of need?

Because that's my story. I love my children so, so much. I have done everything I can to make sure that they have never wanted for anything, whether love or money. Now, after decades of struggle, I am having to acknowledge my transsexuality and deal with it.

And if my children decide that they are being disloyal to their mother if they keep loving me, I truly don't know what I will do or how I will survive.

PS: On the subject of the OP - any woman has the right to feel distressed, frightened, angry and confused by her partner's gender dysphoria. It's an incredibly tough issue to deal with as we all know ourselves. But she does not have the right - and nor does anyone else - to threaten to commit suicide. That's the worst kind of emotional blackmail and, frankly, deserves the response, 'Go ahead and jump.'

[BeingSonia]

I should thank everyone for giving their opinion.

> Abbyxo: she knew from the beginning, when we started dating. I wasn't hidding anything. She knew about the crossdressing. My stash of girl stuff isn't hidden. Even bought stuff together. I told her about my appointments. Well, transitionning wasn't discussed until recently but knew I wanted to hatch up. The vows bit is different. She is Japanese and Buddhist, while I'm a foreigner and agnostic. No vows exchanged. Yet, I'm taking our relationship seriously.