HELP! PARENTS THEIR SUPPORT CHANGED TO REJECTION!

[MarcBanks]

Hello my fellow brothers & sisters, I am a 18-year old transguy & i'm not sure if i'm the only one in this situation.
Basically 3-4 years ago my parents accepted me, but now they're being very transphobic. I will explain the situation
below. (Long story, but i really need advice ) [PS sorry for my english, it's my second language]

My mother is Catholic (my dad is Muslim), the first time i came out to her, she was very mad and yelled at me " you'll always be a woman, you have a vagina and you will give birth  and you will have a husband..you came into this world as a woman and you will leave this world as a woman... etc", I was devastated after that. I was scared to talk about it. But then at an unexpected moment out of nowhere she started to support me and go to therapy with me. And this year she changed again but for the worst.

At first when they were accepting they went to a therapist with me (he's a specialized therapist for transgender individuals he works for a university in my country that is at the top of transgender research) so i'm in very good hands. After our first appointment he already told us that it's pretty obvious that i'm trans.(I was 14 years old). He said that the legal age for starting T is 16 & that he could make an exception for me, he could make an appointment that same week to get my T. But that would be a forbidden dream...as time passed by she became more & more unsupportive.  Now they think that my therapist works for the devil and that he wants to bring "us" (trans people) closer to the devil as we are already possessed by the devil.
If i wear ANYTHING male now, they start to yell at me. I can't even buy something if that looks "manly" to them in a girls clothing store. They threw every single "male" clothing item i had away. Which pretty much means my whole wardrobe.

Me & my parents made a deal that we would go to a priest (for my mom she's catholic) and visit an imam (my dad is Muslim so yeah) to view both opinions on transsexualism. The priest spoke as if he knew everything about what it is to be trans. He said the same stuff..(mutilated he she that no one will ever want, those he-shes or even 'it' will only tell you their happy but they are actually unhappy human beings with mutilated genitals that are possessed by the devil, bla bla) so many ignorant things he said. But yeah my parents believed him. Same thing goes for the imam.

But they promised me that they would also visit 2 other transmen and discuss transsexualism. This never happened, they broke their promise and i got humiliated twice during the conversation with the priest and imam, i normally don't cry but i definitely cried inside, my soul was broken and it felt as if my parents raped my identity...there is nothing left of me except an empty soul that is forced to live as a female in order to please my loved ones & people around. It's very wrong of my parents to base their opinion on these two persons..At the end of the day they are God's children and we were all born to be a sinner...so i would not fully trust the opinion of them since they are no perfect human beings.

Ok so it gets complicated. 4 years ago we did the same thing (this was when they were being accepting) and a priest came by our house to have this discussion and he was being very, very open-minded. He told me that he doesn't understand my problem but he thinks that God had already planned this all out for me, i would have a more difficult journey then other children of God. I totally get that he doesn't understand the problem because you have to experience the problem to fully understand it. It's ok to not understand but the love and acceptance that he had showed was amazing. And never in my life have i doubted God or blamed him that i was trans. I was born this. I blame the narrow minds that are the poison of this beautiful world. And sadly my parents are narrow-minded.

I was a masculine guy pretty much all my life, i always wore guy clothes and kept myself busy with typical boyish things
gaming, basketball, rap music etc...But until recently this year, my parents turned their back on me and are now forcing me to do the whole female thing (make up thing, which i really hate, doing my eyebrows (they normally look male but now female, really hate that!), doing manicures on my nails, the clothing..pretty much all of the stuff i'd never want to do because i'm a manly guy.

My experience bringing up my trans problem in our house. This experience was probably the one that made me go in to my deepest depression...

A few months ago, i decided to cut my girly nails off. I had enough of it. And i put my nike hoodie for boys on that my dad gifted me, i have not worn it for months, i have worn it before i was forced to FULLY live as a girl. Then my mom came to my room and started asking me questions like why have i cut my nails off and why am i wearing this nike hoodie. She said that it makes me look very ugly and that i'm bringing back that person that is possessed by the devil with sick thoughts of becoming a man. She said to me "are you really doing this again, do you know how much u put us through with your devilish problem? We are sick and tired of you." She went upstairs to talk to my dad and i was scared, because i felt that something wasn't right. A few moments later i hear my parents coming downstairs. They approached me and i looked into their eyes it felt as if i saw the devil in their eyes which i'm supposed to be possessed by. My father started screaming hysterically and my mother was cheering, he was verbally abusing me and then he physically threatened me, he ripped the nike hoodie that he had gifted me, off my body. My face was filled with tears. I was embarrassed. I was literally raped from my identity. I stood there for a whole hour as hateful words were entering my ears. I was shaking because of fear my body felt very cold...They kept screaming at me and my mother went to my closet and threw every single clothing item away. They believed that it had a very bad influence from the devil, on me. My dad grabbed the Qu'ran (the holy book of Islam) from my desk and said that such human beings like me that are possessed by the devil have no right to keep the Qu'ran in my room. They also told me to stay away from my little baby brother he is close to the angels and i'm close to the devil. They told me to go pray to God, to pray this terrible, devilish sin out of me and ask for forgiveness. I'm changing the creation of God (=sin).

My situation now....i'm forced to live as a girl and since my dad lost his job we're broke and we have to move to the UK soon.
My little baby brother was born 8 months ago and i love him to death. But i have never ever been so depressed in life i'm at my
lowest point. I'm legal age so i could move out, but i have no financial support and my parents are moving to another country and
it would be heart-breaking to leave my little baby brother behind if i stay in my country (Belgium). But on the other hand i feel as if i'm going to be even more depressed in the UK and that would definitely not make me a good big brother for my little brother i will not be able to be there for him if i'm depressed and not able to be myself. How will i reflect happiness and love upon my loved ones if i'm not happy? I love my parents with all my heart but their ignorance is a very ugly and heartbreaking thing. It is so confusing and i could really use some advice from people that have a lot of life experience

Much love and thanks for this beautiful website filled with kind words and support,
where i can pour my heart out from time to time. Marc

[LivingTheDream]

It seems to me like your parents are the one possessed by the devil not you....I could not imagine treating my child (if i had one) like that.

Do you know what happened to your mom that made her switch from being supportive and going to therapy with you to all of a sudden forbidding it? Was it sorta like at first she wasn't really taking you seriously then when she started discovering that you were serious and were gonna take the next step and make it a reality that she had a problem with it? I guess I'm sort of comparing it to this: Imagine your daughter starts seeing a boy and her parent's think he is total trash and don't want her to date him. If they forbid it, the daughter will be more into the guy to go against her parent's wishes but if they ok it, hopefully she'll realize on her own that he's garbage and move on?

You mentioned that your mom went with you to therapy, did your dad go as well and/or know that this was going on? It could also be that she is ok with it secretly but he's totally against it and she's just siding with him. Unfortunately, arguing religion (and politics) with people is usually pointless, nothing said or even proven will ever change one's opinion on these topics. Sadly, it seems to me like this is the case with you, seeing as how they are calling you the devil, so if this is a path that you want or need to continue with, you'll probably have to do so without their support.

How soon are your parents moving to the UK? If you got some time I would suggest looking for work asap so that you can support yourself if you decide to stay or if you move with them to the UK at least you will have some of your own money in case things turn sour and you need to move away. I know that probably seems really hard to do, given that you're depressed, believe me, I know, as I am very depressed atm as well and doing anything seems almost impossible for me atm, but if transitioning is where you're heading, you're gonna need the money to take care of yourself and to afford it. You're gonna have to decide soon if you are gonna go with them or not as well so hopefully you've started thinking about that as well.

Really sorry you're going thru this, hope things start to improve for you.

[NIP]

If you're from Belgium, as an EU citizen, you can remain in the UK pretty easily. Get yourself a national insurance number and find a job. Tip: you'll get a NINO a lot faster if you apply for a benefit, like Local Housing Allowance, and the relevant council makes the application a fast-tracked one so long as you prod them. As an EU citizen, you'll be able to get LHA and Jobseekers Allowance for the time being, not that it'll be enough to live on (my suggestion is eat only two meals a day, and no ready-made crap), but hopefully enough until you can find a job. There's no way you'll be able to find somewhere to rent with the money you get, but don't let the council shirk their responsibilities, keep turning up at their offices until they put you in a Bed & Breakfast. They might send you halfway across the country as you won't have satisfactory local ties, but you need to get away from your parents, at least for the time being. They aren't going to let you near your brother anyway. Either your parents will reconcile whatever problem they percieve with themselves, or they won't. I don't think you can affect that outcome. Just show them you are your own person and can make your own decisions. Maybe in time they'll see that this makes you truly happy.

[crowcrow223]

If you apply for housing benefit (which basically means they will pay your rent), and then get Job seeker's allowance, you can pretty much have a fairly good start. Leaving in the UK isn't very expensive, comparing to other countries. While being on your own, you could sort out your GP, gender clinic, new wardrobe, etc. and then start looking for job/continue your education.

[jebee]

simple, move out and never speak to them again.

[Carrie Liz]

I don't know... just because she went to therapy with you, that doesn't necessarily mean that she was being supportive.

She might have just being going in hopes that the therapist would tell you that you weren't trans, so that she could put her mind at ease about it or something. And then when the therapist actually agreed with you, it was not what she was expecting, so she lashed back.

It's easier to superficially seem supportive, and at least say "okay, well let's look into this" when it's still some hypothetical thing lingering off in the distance somewhere. You can hold out hope that it can change. It's much different when suddenly they realize that it's really happening, right now. So IMO, it's not necessarily that she was "supportive," it could very well be that she was just holding out hope that it wasn't true, hoping that she wouldn't have to resort to outright opposing you.

[MarcBanks]

@LivingTheDream


Thank you for your very kind words & advice Well i think that you're right that might be the problem. The fact that my mother realized that GID is a serious thing.. But idk  it's really weird because after i outed myself she called our family to inform about me. She even said things like "you have to understand that it's very hard for him everyday because he has a female chest" to a family member on the phone...she sounded so understanding as if she felt my pain... well i've asked her why she stopped talking to me and avoiding the GID subject. She said that she realised that i will never ever be able to be a man because i am lazy, immature, not responsible and way too feminine. She said there is nothing masculine about my body as well that was another argument for her to prove that i'll never be a man. She told me that i first have to go to military school to "man up" because i'm too much estrogen and the opposite of testosteron. It really devastated me though. My mom was going with me alone to therapy, my dad was way too busy. Well we're moving in about two months after i graduate. So i'm really stuck, i really have no experience finding a job as well. But i will try to apply and look around this time.  I'm also sorry that you're depressed i know totally how you feel, let's get out of this mess together and let's keep going  Kind Regards, Marc

[MarcBanks]

@NIP

Thank you for your advice & information on this, i'm very grateful for that It is so scary talking about this because my parents have me on a leash and treat me like a baby, my mom is overprotective. Me moving away and living on my own is the biggest taboo in my house. My parents immediately think i'm possessed by the devil again and that his evil energy has a negative influence on me because i would "love" to abandon them. That's just BS, they think i want to, but the problem is i have to because of their ignorance. Devil this devil that...God it's like they have a mind of a 5 year old kid...And reading stuff like this excites me and scares me and the same time. It excites me because it opens a door that i can actually become independent even though it's a very difficult thing to accomplish... I will definitely look into the housing allowance and i'm already looking on this website how to get an national insurance number.

[MarcBanks]

Kate, Thank you for your kind words i greatly appreciate it! It's very heartwarming to see that i have some kind of support from my fellow brothers & sisters. I have one place to go (a friend) but sadly living on my own is considered a taboo in my house. My parents fully control, it's making me crazy. Every small thing for them is reckless. They think i'm having devilish thoughts for wanting to abandon them, when in fact i have to move because of their ignorance. But i can't...I wish things would just go differently. I wish i could just start T once in the UK and live as the big brother of my little brother. And yep today i'm having to act as a girl again, my mother just did my nails my eyebrows. I feel humiliated.

[MarcBanks]

@ crowcrow223 Thank you for your advice & information on this important topic. I have no clue what it's like in the UK so that's very helpful! Just a question, how do i move out on my own in the UK if my parents totally are against it. And doesn't that mean i will have a very low allowance because the gov knows i'm officially financially dependent on my parents? So while on this allowance i have to search for a job and once i find one i can start paying for hormones, right?

[MarcBanks]

@ jebee I wish it would be that simple...But i love them too much, it is such a sad thing how ignorance can kill ones happiness and affect a relationship so profoundly between a child and parents, in a very negative way. So here's my conclusion, ignorance isn't bliss, it's sour, and knowledge is power.

[MarcBanks]

Carrie Liz, Thank you for your very kind words & advice Well i think that you're right that might be the problem. The fact that my mother realized that GID is a serious thing.. But idk  it's really weird because after i outed myself she called our family to inform about me. She even said things like "you have to understand that it's very hard for him everyday because he has a female chest" to a family member on the phone...she sounded so understanding as if she felt my pain... well i've asked her why she stopped talking to me and avoiding the GID subject. She said that she realised that i will never ever be able to be a man because i am lazy, immature, not responsible and way too feminine. She said there is nothing masculine about my body as well that was another argument for her to prove that i'll never be a man. She told me that i first have to go to military school to "man up" because i'm too much estrogen and the opposite of testosteron. It really devastated me though. I hope that somewhere in her heart she will find the courage to open her mind to me.

[crowcrow223]

@ crowcrow223 Thank you for your advice & information on this important topic. I have no clue what it's like in the UK so that's very helpful! Just a question, how do i move out on my own in the UK if my parents totally are against it. And doesn't that mean i will have a very low allowance because the gov knows i'm officially financially dependent on my parents? So while on this allowance i have to search for a job and once i find one i can start paying for hormones, right?

Your parents do not matter if you want to move out on your own. You just find a room to rent, you rent it, and you apply for housing benefit straight away as you are unemployed (You have to have some sort of amount of money at the beginning, as it can take quite a while before you get the housing benefit, but if let's say you applied for it now, and you got it at the end of the month, they will pay you for all the weeks back from the moment You applied for it).

Job sekeer's allowance is pretty much the same for everyone, it's around 70-90 pounds a week.

You go to the GP and get hormones the moment your foot steps on the glorious ground of the United Kingdom. You don't have to have a job to pay for hormones, they're super cheap (at least for MtF, don't know how much TST is, but it can't be very much different). Although You probably will have to go to a gender clinic first, as you are pre-everything and they won't give you hormones on a face value. You gonna have to have a proper psychological assessment.

Good luck!

[NIP]

@NIP

Thank you for your advice & information on this, i'm very grateful for that It is so scary talking about this because my parents have me on a leash and treat me like a baby, my mom is overprotective. Me moving away and living on my own is the biggest taboo in my house. My parents immediately think i'm possessed by the devil again and that his evil energy has a negative influence on me because i would "love" to abandon them. That's just BS, they think i want to, but the problem is i have to because of their ignorance. Devil this devil that...God it's like they have a mind of a 5 year old kid...And reading stuff like this excites me and scares me and the same time. It excites me because it opens a door that i can actually become independent even though it's a very difficult thing to accomplish... I will definitely look into the housing allowance and i'm already looking on this website how to get an national insurance number.

If you need any suggestions on how to proceed, I can help. I have quite some experience dealing with the UK benefits system in general, and I can tell you, they frequently need you looking over their shoulder and checking their sums otherwise they will "accidently" screw you out of some of the menial amount the state is willing to let you live on. Oh, and don't believe a thing a council employee or jobcentre person tells you over the phone, they're hugely ignorant and you'll find in practice when your benefits claim is checked by a real DWP employee, things won't work out as smoothly as you've been lead to believe. And anyone who thinks people on benefits live a life of luxury, I just wish you had to try it. You're lucky to get 2/3rds of the minimum wage. That said, it CAN be done. It's not a glamorous lifestyle by any means, and you'll have to be really frugal, but, it's a lot better than being treated like a demon because you're just trying to make yourself better, right? As soon as you get a NINO, you can work. As I said before, when you make your LHA claim (it won't be housing benefit, that's for council tenants and you need to have one leg and no arms and you get put on a 2 year wait for a place, there's so many people needing council housing, been there done that), tell the council you need a NINO, they can get it fast-tracked for you. My suggestion is avoid private landlords like the plague. There is basically NO legal protection for tenants (plenty for landlords though!) in the UK, unlike most of Western Europe. Go with a rental agency, and check reviews about them first. Oh, and make sure your deposit goes into a deposit protection scheme, it's the law, and I've never met a private landlord that used one. They are also legally obligated to give you full details of the scheme they have secured if it within afaik 2 weeks. Make sure they've been round a while. And you'll find it much easier to find a place if you look OUTSIDE urban centers. Villages you can commute into a city or town from are great, because nobody wants to live in the middle of nowhere.

[Hannahh]

Hi Marc,

My first quesiton is : where is your freedom ?
In my opinion, it is just an illusion to depend of your parents... your depend just of yourself and you have to decide for you, with you. All people - included what I am writting - can give you advise but at the end it is always and just YOU who decide.
If I understood correctly, you are an EU citizen ; so you have several solution. One : you live close to France : go ! you can study for almost free, find social help, may be a little job and live your life as you want. See the solution because all in life have.
Take care of you, you are the best person for that.
Hannah

[NIP]

Hi Marc,

My first quesiton is : where is your freedom ?
In my opinion, it is just an illusion to depend of your parents... your depend just of yourself and you have to decide for you, with you. All people - included what I am writting - can give you advise but at the end it is always and just YOU who decide.
If I understood correctly, you are an EU citizen ; so you have several solution. One : you live close to France : go ! you can study for almost free, find social help, may be a little job and live your life as you want. See the solution because all in life have.
Take care of you, you are the best person for that.
Hannah

I do not suggest going to France for either social support or TG/TS support. My partner is French and we live in the UK for a very good reason. We simply would not be able to survive in France as anyone under 25 is considered their parent's financial responsibility (even if they don't have parents, I don't know how this works, Sarkozy never explained) and will get very little, if any, financial help from the state. Additionally, the treatment of TG/TS people in France leaves something to be desired, and there is no neat healthcare hierarchy equivalent to the NHS that you can reason with. And of course, to be able to function at all properly, you need to speak French fluently, which I suppose as you are from Belgium, it's more likely that you already do than if you were from, say, the UK. My advice is stay where you already are, in the UK. Things are going to be complicated enough with you moving country!

Oh yeah: the French still believe in psychodynamics and Freud. They try to use this on everyone. Autistic children who would be functioning in normal schools in the UK (or, most of Western Europe and the North Americas) after recieving proper psychological help at an early age are left languising in France, unable to communicate, as their parents are told that it's all the mother's fault and something about the child wanting to have sex with their opposite-sex parent. Wouldn't recommend psychodynamics for anything (hitting yourself in the head with a brick would probably do less harm), but for TG/TS people? I'd say it'd be especially bad.

[MarcBanks]

@ crowcrow223 Thank you for your advice  This will sound very weird but i don't know how to leave them..do i write a goodbye letter and secretly pack my stuff and when they're not home i go away with my stuff somewhere else? I don't know how prepare for this moment. And how much does a room cost, for just me, and nothing too fancy just where i can eat sleep and wash myself. And let's say
i save up some money and get the proper psychological assessment from my therapist here since it's pretty easy to get it after 1 or two sessions. As i've heard that in the UK you have to pay quite a lot of money for the proper psychological assessment and that it takes a long time before you get it. It's great news that i can get hormones for a cheap price over there. My plan was to get the proper psychological assessment here in Belgium and use that document in the UK so i can continue my hormones at this cheap price.

[MarcBanks]

NIP, thank you so much for your advice  It has been really helpful since i barely know anything. It sounds pretty complicated, the same as in Belgium. It isn't easy but you're right i'm tired of being treated like i'm a "demon" when my parents tell me they love more then anything...It's never easy to ask money from the government. I don't need a glamorous lifestyle i will be happy with a roof above my head. As long as i get the opportunity to start my transition, i'll be happy. I just have one final question, what is the best way to apply for a NINO and where?

[MarcBanks]

Hannahh, I have no freedom sadly  It's really hard to become independent if you have no money in the pockets. France is a beautiful country. I have been there a few times. As I live in Belgium half of our population speaks French. But i speak Dutch. I speak a bit French but it's certainly not good enough to continue my education in French. I'm more comfortable with the UK since my English is way better then my French.

[MarcBanks]

I do not suggest going to France for either social support or TG/TS support. My partner is French and we live in the UK for a very good reason. We simply would not be able to survive in France as anyone under 25 is considered their parent's financial responsibility (even if they don't have parents, I don't know how this works, Sarkozy never explained) and will get very little, if any, financial help from the state. Additionally, the treatment of TG/TS people in France leaves something to be desired, and there is no neat healthcare hierarchy equivalent to the NHS that you can reason with. And of course, to be able to function at all properly, you need to speak French fluently, which I suppose as you are from Belgium, it's more likely that you already do than if you were from, say, the UK. My advice is stay where you already are, in the UK. Things are going to be complicated enough with you moving country!

Oh yeah: the French still believe in psychodynamics and Freud. They try to use this on everyone. Autistic children who would be functioning in normal schools in the UK (or, most of Western Europe and the North Americas) after recieving proper psychological help at an early age are left languising in France, unable to communicate, as their parents are told that it's all the mother's fault and something about the child wanting to have sex with their opposite-sex parent. Wouldn't recommend psychodynamics for anything (hitting yourself in the head with a brick would probably do less harm), but for TG/TS people? I'd say it'd be especially bad.

UK it is then