late night conversation w/ SO

[Kaydee]

She wanted to get under your skin and it worked. Recommend camping together next time.

I don't think so.  It is more likely she was sleep talking (she has a history of this) and let out some frustration she wouldn't have normally.  Its not her behavior that is bothering me, its my own reaction.

[helen2010]

I don't think so.  It is more likely she was sleep talking (she has a history of this) and let out some frustration she wouldn't have normally.  Its not her behavior that is bothering me, its my own reaction.

Kaydee

Your comment is insightful. Perhaps unconsciously I have often been the one sabotaging our relationship. Withdrawal (emotional and physical), passive aggression and sarcasm are three of many faults that I have been guilty of and own. Only complete honesty with yourself and with her will build a way forward.  Good luck to both of you.

Aisla

[JoanneB]

Me:  I need to do something to relieve this.
Her:  You should try praying that God will take it away.

I suspect that like me, you also spent years praying for God to take it away. For years I prayed each night that I'd wake up as a girl and that is how it always was.

During the Maryland Senate hearings these past few years when the TG rights bill came up I heard from the loyal opposition (aka the bathroom nuts) accounts of how their prayers "cured them". At the same time I heard all the anger and venom in their words, and seen in their body language, and in their aura the same anger, hate.

All I could think was "Keep the cure, give me the poison".  Which reminds me of a great quote from the Jimmy Stewart movie classic Harvey

    The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought them out here to get that stuff, and I've drove them home after they had it. It changes them... On they way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me, some times we stop and watch the sunset, and look at the birds fly. And sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunset when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, uh oh! ...They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersection. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. And we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being and you know what stinkers they are.

[Kaydee]

Kaydee

Your comment is insightful. Perhaps unconsciously I have often been the one sabotaging our relationship. Withdrawal (emotional and physical), passive aggression and sarcasm are three of many faults that I have been guilty of and own. Only complete honesty with yourself and with her will build a way forward.  Good luck to both of you.

Aisla

One of the things I have noticed in myself is a withdrawal from physical closeness - on both our part - since telling her about myself.  And the physical is only a reflection of our emotional closeness.   We find ourselves sitting down to eat and nothing to share.   We are both avoiding the one topic that needs be talked about.

I think I see myself withdrawing from intimacy to protect myself from her (likely) rejection of me.  And, as you point out, that will just sabotage whats left of our relationship.  I obviously need to find a way past these feelings and take a chance in trusting her.

And best of luck with your own relationship.

[Kaydee]

I suspect that like me, you also spent years praying for God to take it away. For years I prayed each night that I'd wake up as a girl and that is how it always was.

Joanne,
Actually, I am one of those who just realized she was transgender a few months ago.   Though, looking back, it explains so much of my life's frustrations.   I have read enough accounts of serious believers spending years of their lives praying for God to relive them of their dysphoria, only to hit a wall years later and deal with their issues through transition or related methods.   I don't know any reason for God to honor my prayers any more than yours or of so many others. 

One of our major relational issues right now is that of world view.  Che sees the world through a conservative Christian lens, I through a scientific lens.   It makes it hard to relate on many everyday issues.   On something this hard and in the middle of our lives it makes it almost impossible to find lines of communication.  We can easily find ourselves talking past each other.

[helen2010]

Kaydee

It may be one of those situations where I have failed - to listen, to let her know that I hear her anguish and her pain.  As a typical socialised male I too readily try to be a problem solver, to posit solutions, analyse an issue and work from my head.  It doesn't work.  One thing I have learned is that sometimes your wife just wants to talk, to be heard, to be respected and not to be debated.   She is scared, her world has changed and she is overwhelmed by emotion. 

The above has not been easy for me but it often works.

Aisla

[Stacie F]

Joanne,
Actually, I am one of those who just realized she was transgender a few months ago.   Though, looking back, it explains so much of my life's frustrations.   I have read enough accounts of serious believers spending years of their lives praying for God to relive them of their dysphoria, only to hit a wall years later and deal with their issues through transition or related methods.   I don't know any reason for God to honor my prayers any more than yours or of so many others. 

One of our major relational issues right now is that of world view.  Che sees the world through a conservative Christian lens, I through a scientific lens.   It makes it hard to relate on many everyday issues.   On something this hard and in the middle of our lives it makes it almost impossible to find lines of communication.  We can easily find ourselves talking past each other.

I gave this book to my spouse.  She found it immensely helpful. 

The Transsexual and the Cross: Disproving the myth that transsexuality is a sin
by Katie Leone

It's available on amazon for $6.29.  It is a really quick read, but it covers most of the ways that "Christians" use to tell you are "broken".  It tells you how there is no basis for their claim using the bible scripture.  I wanted to make sure that my spouse was prepared for how to disspell the myth because she is very involved in her church.  I didn't want her to be blindsided and so far so good.

Hope this helps

[Kaydee]

Stacie.
  Thanks.  It sounds like a book I need to get.  It might be a help - if she will read it seriously.

[JoanneB]

I gave this book to my spouse.  She found it immensely helpful. 

The Transsexual and the Cross: Disproving the myth that transsexuality is a sin
by Katie Leone

It's available on amazon for $6.29.  It is a really quick read, but it covers most of the ways that "Christians" use to tell you are "broken".  It tells you how there is no basis for their claim using the bible scripture.  I wanted to make sure that my spouse was prepared for how to disspell the myth because she is very involved in her church.  I didn't want her to be blindsided and so far so good.

Hope this helps

A member of my TG group who is also a minister gave it 2 thumbs up

[Stacie F]

Stacie.
  Thanks.  It sounds like a book I need to get.  It might be a help - if she will read it seriously.

I hate to say it, but, if her mind is closed, only she can open it.  You can't force her to accept you, or do anything for that matter.  It may take her some time before she can look at this with an open mind.  Remember, she has only had a couple of months to digest what you've told her.  It took a while for my spouse to grapple with the issue and we still have to talk about it on a regular basis.

Time can be an enemy or a friend.  Here it is your friend...  Give her good information and time.

[DiDi]

I recommend mentally reviewing any issues you had prior to coming out to your SO. How was your relationship? Really? Is what is happening now an extension of pre-existing problems? I agree that we definitely contribute to any schism in the relationship when we withdraw or otherwise be less than loving. But if you do have existing issues your reflections on transitioning may merely be one more step in separation that had already begun.

On the other hand.....maybe I am just thinking of my situation. 

[Kaydee]

I hate to say it, but, if her mind is closed, only she can open it.  You can't force her to accept you, or do anything for that matter.  It may take her some time before she can look at this with an open mind.  Remember, she has only had a couple of months to digest what you've told her.  It took a while for my spouse to grapple with the issue and we still have to talk about it on a regular basis.

Time can be an enemy or a friend.  Here it is your friend...  Give her good information and time.

Stacie,
  Thanks for your reply.  I know I have to give her time, but when the dysphoria is eating me up it can be really difficult.  though you probably know that.   I am doing my best to be patient.  Its just sometimes I need to talk it out.  So I'm glad I have all of you to listen.

[helen2010]

Stacie,
  Thanks for your reply.  I know I have to give her time, but when the dysphoria is eating me up it can be really difficult.  though you probably know that.   I am doing my best to be patient.  Its just sometimes I need to talk it out.  So I'm glad I have all of you to listen.

Kaydee

This is the beauty and value of this community.  There is always someone here to listen and to share their thoughts and support

Aisla

[Kaydee]

I recommend mentally reviewing any issues you had prior to coming out to your SO. How was your relationship? Really? Is what is happening now an extension of pre-existing problems? I agree that we definitely contribute to any schism in the relationship when we withdraw or otherwise be less than loving. But if you do have existing issues your reflections on transitioning may merely be one more step in separation that had already begun.

On the other hand.....maybe I am just thinking of my situation. 

DiDi,
Well, there is certainly something for me to think about here.  In discussing this with my therapist I stated that the transgender issues may just be a catalyst for stirring up the hidden problems in our relationship.   What the outcome of the stirring will be is yet to be determined.  But this time I can't be the one who gives in.  Meet her part way, maybe.  But she has to agree to take this seriously.

I think I will take your suggestion seriously and spend some journal time reviewing our relational problems and strengths soon.

Thanks

[Stacie F]

Stacie,
  Thanks for your reply.  I know I have to give her time, but when the dysphoria is eating me up it can be really difficult.  though you probably know that.   I am doing my best to be patient.  Its just sometimes I need to talk it out.  So I'm glad I have all of you to listen.

I don't know if this helps at all, but...  I am trying to progress slowly so that I can keep my spouse as well.  I find myself speaking the following phrase to help me along.

"It took you 39 years to get here, what is one day more?"

I used this when it took a week to fill my HRT prescription.  I used it when my first therapist appointment got moved to another day.  I use this when I want to run out and have everything done, now, instantaneously, actually yesterday, or last month even.  I know the pain that dysphoria brings is all encompassing and can be ever present.    And, I know it take a lot of patience to hold in there when you need to sprint across the finish line.  No words I say are going to change those facts.  I am sorry that you are having to go through this.  I hope you find something that helps you.

[Rachel]

I know that dysphoria is eating you up and something I have been doing is to consciously have some time for her. Sit next to her, watch television, read a book next to her, touch her arm or leg or just something close to her. Look at her during this time and smile and tell her you love her.

Do you remember way back when you got her a card, flowers or her favorite chocolates because you love her.

Nothing to say but the need to discuss the monster under the table , I know this too well. Do not bring it up during dinner. Talk about local stuff, work or what to do this weekend with her (go for a walk or ride, mall time, beach, lawn or yard work, needs for shopping, the best meal you had last week).

If you want to communicate with her remember to think about what she wants to discuss. I will bet it is not about GD but about how her word has changed, how she wants reassurances and how can she hold her head up when others find out.

Time, reassurance, learning, consistency and love are all the things you will need to reassure her you love her and what to be with her. She needs to feel the bond between you and her.

Good luck, I am in the middle too and hope the above helps (They are my lessons I have learned). You know, I never got flowers and would love to get them, always felt that way. Something about them brightens my mood.