I suck (mentions SI)

[Bombadil]

Not a good day. PTSD is bad. Had a nightmare. Guess maybe I'm fighting flashbacks. Contacted my T for support and normally she's great but this time I feel like she's made things worse. Having suicidal thoughts (not even remotely close to acting on them). I want to cut so badly and right now I can't promise I won't. And I've been doing so well and now I'm scared that she's going to change her mind and say I am not stable enough to transition. But transitioning is a huge motivation to not cut and work on things.

this is a big stupid whine that I will probably delete.

[Ltl89]

I'm sorry you are feeling down, but please don't feel stupid for letting it out.  These things are tough and many of us know what these feelings are like to some degree.  I don't know your therapist, but I can say mine has heard a lot of things from me that would make you think I'm too depressed or whatever.  Like I talked about the fact that I have suicidal thoughts and she wasn't judgemental or gatekeeping about it.   Why do you think your therapist might be?  Is there anything in particular that threw you off?

By the way, please delete if you want to, but feel free to talk if it helps. 

[Bombadil]

thanks for replying.

trying to actually leave this post up.

what my therapist said that threw me off, was something about my PTSD. we talked some more and I'm not as upset about it. Basically she's trying to get me to accept myself

I don't know why I'm so afraid she'll be a gatekeeper and stop me. She's never done anything to suggest that will happen. I guess I just can't believe that I'll actually be able to have something I want so much. See and this is sort of what I mean. I know that's probably pretty messed up. Which gets me back to thinking I'm too freaking nuts to do this.  I'm not even making sense

[Ltl89]

thanks for replying.

trying to actually leave this post up.

what my therapist said that threw me off, was something about my PTSD. we talked some more and I'm not as upset about it. Basically she's trying to get me to accept myself

I don't know why I'm so afraid she'll be a gatekeeper and stop me. She's never done anything to suggest that will happen. I guess I just can't believe that I'll actually be able to have something I want so much. See and this is sort of what I mean. I know that's probably pretty messed up. Which gets me back to thinking I'm too freaking nuts to do this.  I'm not even making sense

That's not messed up.  I get what you mean.  I remeber walking in thinking "oh my god, this is going to be so hard".  It turns out it hasn't been at all.  My therapist has been considerate enough to realize that although I have some big problems in my life that doesn't negate the fact that I'm trans.  In fact, she's been able to help me realize how some of my feelings tie in and how others have different sources.  Just because being trans isn't the only source of grief in our lives doesn't mean we are cis.  Hell, how many cis people havve problems? lol. It's kind of unfair to assume someone can't have PTSD and gender dysphoria (which of course people can and do have both these issues).  In fact, I think ptsd is probably not too uncommon for some of us.  Again, I can't tell you what she's like or how she feels, so you could have reason to be concerned.  It's just not definite.  Have you spoken with her about this?  Asked her how she feels and relay how important this is to you?  It's never a bad thing to open communication with someone.  AT the very least, you get a better sense on where they stand.

[Christinetobe]

Christopher,  just stay strong and it will get better.  I know when I am down I just take it 60 seconds at a time without doing something that I can't undo.  Those minutes add up even though each one seems to take an hour.  If you try it and take each minute as a victory I really think that it may help when you are down.

[Bombadil]

thank you both for your replies. I appreciate it.

I know m therapist is going to be supportive. At least, when I'm thinking with my logical brain. She's been amazing. I'm just stuck in old stuff today

Christopher,  just stay strong and it will get better.  I know when I am down I just take it 60 seconds at a time without doing something that I can't undo.  Those minutes add up even though each one seems to take an hour.  If you try it and take each minute as a victory I really think that it may help when you are down.

thanks for the reminder. taking it one moment at a time.