The site did not mention any specific medical studies. They just posted quotes from a lot of other people, linked to sites from a lot of people who had detransitioned, and showed a lot of really unpleasant pictures.. maybe it was just scare tactics.
What did I think would happen when I started T? Basically, I imagined that I would turn out like the guys I've been in relationships with.
I figured I would get more hair on my arms and legs, and my happy trail - all of which I did. I did not think there would be any 'butt hair' which there is now a tiny bit of, and the few random ones on my chest continuing to develop even now, two years later, really opened my eyes. I never thought that I could end up hairier than what I imagine an 'average' guy to be. I've seen enough men naked, up close and personal, to compare them with photos of FtM and realize that many FtM guys end up hairier than any man I've ever been in a relationship with, and the same could happen to me.
I knew my muscles would get bigger.... Before transition, I consistently weighed between 100 and 109lb. I had much much much less muscle mass, so I know a good bit of the weight I've gained (I went up to 130lb at my highest last year, but am now back down to 113lb) was muscle. I knew that fat redistributed to a male pattern, but I didn't think I really had any body fat. My ribs were visible, collar bones were visible, hip bones were visible... I realized I did have some, and it was in my butt. Now it's on my stomach and my butt is looking flat and I realized there was some fat on there, or else even with a bigger stomach my butt would be the same size (or bigger, due to muscle increase).
The issue here is that I really love some of the changes T has brought me, especially psychologically. I am happier, less stressed, can 'cope' with difficulties better, I get less emotional, I no longer have horrible nightmares, I feel hopeful and ambitious.
As I said, I definitely want to keep living as a man. Even before T, I passed when I wore guy's clothes and had a guy's haircut. If it weren't for the emotional benefits and the fact that without T I would have NO hormones then I would go off T completely because I do not want to masculinize further.
Yet the changes to my body are getting further and further away from what I want. I like looking like a cute little skater boy. I would be happy to start taking some kind of female hormones to reverse the fat distribution, prevent further hair growth, and make my skin a little less oily (estrogen is known for good effects on skin).
Do you think there is any way that I could find a doctor who would let me live as male and basically be a 'tomboy' - like take primarily female hormones but enough testosterone to keep my mood stable and libido active? I used to get depressed before T and I know that some doctors will prescribe testosterone for women with low libido or depression, and a mix of the two would be the best for me since I got sterilized and no longer have my natural gonads.
