Baby Steps

[AlexHunter]

On the advice of my therapist, I'm looking for the first small steps to living in the real world, not just in the closet. I've been attending my therapy appointments presenting as a woman, and occasionally go out driving but don't really know what's next. I'm not ready for integrating that aspect full-time yet, and maybe will never do that at all. I don't know. I'm afraid of losing my job if outed, but I have to have places that I can go and people that I can interact with as myself.

I'm not trying to use Susan's.org as the means to meet people in my area.

What I am looking for is ideas: Where to go? What to do? The bar scene, while active in my town, doesn't feel quite right. I'm not cruising. What did others do as they started down this road? What suggestions does anyone have for me?

[Ms Grace]

Go shopping. Seriously, you can't get a more everyday task than that. Clothes, food, whatever. Although shopping for clothes and shoes is more fun! Do any of your friends or family know, are they supportive? If yes, go shopping with them, or go out with them. The more everyday life experience you get the better.

[AlexHunter]

Go shopping. Seriously, you can't get a more everyday task than that. Clothes, food, whatever. Although shopping for clothes and shoes is more fun! Do any of your friends or family know, are they supportive? If yes, go shopping with them, or go out with them. The more everyday life experience you get the better.

Two people know today; both are supportive. One is my wife -- very, very supportive. With me all the way. However, at this point she's a little wary of us being out together because she fears that it would make it trivial for anyone we know and might by chance run in to to recognize me.

The other is a mutual friend of me and my wife's and he is very supportive but it is complicated, mostly because of my emerging feelings towards him, which I think are reciprocal.

I think the idea of shopping is a great one. I'd be worried -- not emotionally scared but rationally worried -- about being an obvious transwoman out in public alone. (At least I think I'm obvious -- my wife says that I wouldn't get many second looks.) I don't have any experience about what that is like, but I do hear stories. Having lived it (you or others) are those worries rational?

[AnneB]

I am so envious that your wife is supportive, most of us here have lost, or are losing their spouses and families because they can not see themselves as becoming gay. 

Shopping.. Totally a terrific move to get out there and start to experience, building a wardrobe, and confidence being out and about.  I am sooo totally -not- there yet, I can barely put on Chapstick without the wife ranting.  But shopping for clothes, alone, helps calm my mind.  And you'll probably surprise yourself with choosing a style for yourself.  If your wife thinks you'd be ok(passing), ask her to shop with you.  I would kill for that from my family!   I wish you good luck!!

[Ms Grace]

Dress natural, don't overdo it with heels, make up and the like and you will more likely blend in. Fears of being spotted are rational but don't blow them out of proportion. I'm over six foot tall and stand out just for that but haven't had a problem from any shop or assistant. If they knew I was trans* they clearly didn't care. Start small, just a quick trip where you can be in and out if you don't feel comfortable but where you can stay longer if it's going well. My first few times were freaky initially but once I realised I wasn't drawing undue attention I relaxed and got on with my business. I'd suggest you might also want to study female body language and posture a bit first. The way women walk, talk and interact can be distinctly different. There are many cues to presenting successfully as female, you might not get them all down pat at first but that's what the practice is for. Also, go with an empty bladder, you might not want to have to deal with rest rooms on a first outing.

[AlexHunter]

Dress natural, don't overdo it with heels, make up and the like and you will more likely blend in.

This part I've got. I'm definitely not rocking the drag queen look. Well, not any more. 

Fears of being spotted are rational but don't blow them out of proportion. I'm over six foot tall and stand out just for that but haven't had a problem from any shop or assistant. If they knew I was trans* they clearly didn't care. Start small, just a quick trip where you can be in and out if you don't feel comfortable but where you can stay longer if it's going well. My first few times were freaky initially but once I realised I wasn't drawing undue attention I relaxed and got on with my business.

I'm not quite that tall, but I am carrying extra weight (but 30 pounds down - yay!) and I carry that extra weight very much like a man - go figure.

I'd suggest you might also want to study female body language and posture a bit first. The way women walk, talk and interact can be distinctly different. There are many cues to presenting successfully as female, you might not get them all down pat at first but that's what the practice is for. Also, go with an empty bladder, you might not want to have to deal with rest rooms on a first outing.

All good advice. I've started doing this, and I will say that really looking at the great variety of real female bodies out there in the world is comforting. It's too easy to get caught up with modern portrayals of off-the-shelf good looks. The body language idea is a good thought -- now to pull off all that looking without signaling as a creeper. :/

It does remind me of a funny(?) story. Wife and I went shopping for clothes for me a few weeks ago. We were shopping for female clothes, but I was presenting male. We found some things and I asked if I could go back to the dressing room with her; the clerk said fine and put us in a dressing room in the back. Trying stuff on in the shop was great -- clearly, knowing if it works for your shape before you've got it home is A Good Thing (tm).

Once we brought the stuff back out, the clerk had worked it out that the clothes were actually for me and it clearly made her uncomfortable (this was an outlet mall in a ruralish part of the south, just off the interstate). The poor thing couldn't bear to make eye contact with me even though I was the one who paid. To her credit, as we left she said "We're glad that both of y'all came in today," which I thought was a sweet thing to say, especially considering how uncomfortable she obviously was.