When should I tell my children?

[warlockmaker]

Here I am over a year on HRT. I'm still in the closet and have only come out to my seperated wife. She has been amazingly supportive but she is adament that I not tell my 12 year old daughter (grade 9), she is the love of my life. My daughter is exceptionally smart and perceptive and has recently been asking me if I was gay. I have long hair which I put in a pony tail most times and I'm slim and petite but I had been a trued alpha male and a world class athlete when I rised her. Her mother feels that she need not know until I come out of the closet and start my RLE. I have discussed TG with her and her generation seems quite knowledgeable and she sees TGs all the time . She resides with her French mother in my Phuket Villa in Thailand and attends school. I feel the urge to tell her but then again I feel the urge to come out more and more. My therapist tells me not to tell anyone until I fully ready and that there is no rush. What should I do?

[fusstangtroy]

I can only speak for my self but part of your journey is to let it naturally happen .inside you will know when coming out is right .to me it was like finding that perfect fitting pair pants ..you put them on but once there on there just part of you .. i hope that makes sense ..If you listen to your inter voice ( the one thats never wrong ) you will be great i think .. Kids are not dumb ,, she probably knows more than adults give her credit .. Rushing things sometimes makes even smartest lady look back with regret .But thats just my two cents .. Enjoy your journey no matter what speed setting your on .AKA Sara

[Jessica Merriman]

Kids are not dumb ,, she probably knows more than adults give her credit

No kidding!

My 15 year old son took it quite well. The daughter, uh, no, but then she is a hardcore religious zealot. She told me I wasn't a Christian anymore. She will get a real eye opener in the afterlife though!

[stephaniec]

my vote is to work with the therapist

[suzifrommd]

I told my kids as soon as I knew.

I know how terrible it feels to know that something was going on but that no one values me enough to fill me in. It's a double whammy - the curiosity and exclusion as well as the message it sends.

Will the impact be less if you wait? I don't think so, and there is time for resentment to grow.

You know your daughter best, of course. If she's the sort of person who wants to coasts through life without seeing nasty stuff until she has to, by all means, wait. If she's the sort of person who likes to be involved in whatever is going on, she may be very hurt if you keep it from her.

Don't know if this all helps, but hopefully you'll find something useful here.

[Ms Grace]

The younger the kid the better the chances they'll take it OK. My sister has put of telling her 9 year old daughter (my niece) as she's going through a lot with a family breakup and having to move. Hope my niece takes it OK, I'm sure she will but you never know. The longer you leave it to tell your daughter the greater the chance she might find out through other means, and that might not be much fun for all of you.

[devon14]

For me, it was unbearable being in the closet any longer. Even though i just recently started HRT, i couldn't hide who I was anymore. I decided to come out to everyone and as a result have felt so much more liberated and free to express myself in ways that I felt that I could not before. In the end, its up to you when you feel its right, but if you are like I was, coming out might make your transition feel allot easier as it releases that social pressure of keeping everything inside. 

[warlockmaker]

Thank you all. Yes, there is this great urge to come out, its been over a year on HRT and I understand this urge to come out only gets stronger as time goes on. My daughter is one who gets involved and I feel that if I hide this from her, and others know about it, then she may have resentments. Yet, her mother is adamant that she not know yet. Back to the drawing boards and a further chat with my therapist.

[liz]

Hard question for sure.

As when you decided to meet your therapist you must feel ready, this way the message always pass better.

Preteen/teen tend to react harder with drama so don't overdo on how you'll tell her. Humans tend to accept better things that seems normal.
If someone ask me "hey! are you changing sex?" and I only say "yes i do" in a very common manner and don't add anything it will pass better than If I add all the drama. Make her feel like you're gonna be a women and don't add too much details unless she ask for (I see too many transgender that being rejected only because they give unwanted details to peoples).

If she's curious maybe leave a documents about the subject on her desk. This way she might understand the way transgenders feel inside before you announce her. Her mother may help you to inform her about the subject too.

[warlockmaker]

She lives in Phuket, Thailand, and here TG are everywhere and accepted in the Thai culture. I am amazed at her liberal attitude towards gays - seems there are quite a few at her school and she knows about TGs and is constantly exposed to them. She thinks I'm becoming gay !!! I should show respect to the mothers views dspite my gut feeling I should talk with her.

[Satinjoy]

Trust her instincts dear and find out what she is concerned about.  And trust your therapist, and your instincts.

The compelling need to tell and come out is powerful, I know, but for a kid in that age group you need to fully understand how it will affect them.   The separation has to be a lot to handle by itself - and I hope you can get your wife back too, by telling her the truth, and hopefully finding a way that works for both of you.

Careful dear I blew it with my older one and I  thought she would be cool with it, she rebounded and can't even handle my nails.  That resulted in going in with her to the therapist.  I still  have the nails but I have to  be careful around her.

[warlockmaker]

Great advise. Its so hard to stay in the closet - I never knew the urge to come out would be so strong. It started right on the year mark. My daughter mother is a BFF nothing more. I love my daughter so very much and I'm scared to lose her. In Thailand tho the TG scene is common place but that does not mean she is fully accepting. She has brought up celebrity TGs. Kinda funny when she talked about Bruce Jenner, the Olympian and Kardashian, who was in Phuket recently. She said I think he is a TG. Sometimes I wonder if she senses it already and is trying to find what the change in me is about -