Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 06:00:21 AM
Hey all,
So I usually post things about how to get to the point of passing and around that topic. I'd rather avoid my internal drama in this thread because I'm in a conflicted state at the moment and not feeling the best about my body and appearance. I don't want to focus on that. What I wanted to do in this thread was ask those that don't pass how they handle NOT passing or being known as trans to almost everyone around you. I want to hear from those of you who are outed a lot or just openly trans. Those who are clocked frequently, if that makes sense. I'm afraid that's something I'll have to come to terms with, so I really want to hear from people like this. Can you share how you feel overall. Your hardships, struggles, successes, failures, emotional status, etc? Was transitioning really worth it without passing privilege and do you really feel like life is better for you overall? And how did you overcome that early fear of always being seen as trans or a "guy"? How did you make a life for yourself under these conditions.
For all the stories we hear about passing or the ability to pass, we don't hear enough from those that don't. I really would like to hear your story and maybe it will help others too afraid to start their life. Thank you! 
I will share what you wish to know from my life. This is for not just you TLT but anyone who needs a push in the right direction. A fair warning, some of the stuff I write "might" trigger something (Hopefully good vs. bad) and this post may be long but please read it.
Ok so while I "can" pass as a woman (Appearance wise) the moment I speak I've noticed people usually call me a guy but before hand they might have thought me to be a girl. (I can't speak for all of them but from all my time in the woman's restroom and out and about I'd say I passed till I spoke) However, even when I speak I sometimes am called the correct pronouns and such. This is even more so the case if I have a skirt or dress on or even make up on and even my purse with me. Now, I don't wear a wig and have been growing my hair out and also I am not on HRT yet. (Wish I was though) I also don't really understand/know what all are the habits/characteristics of what a "typical" male and a "typical" female does/acts. (I know some but not the really little ones nor do I notice them, case in point, when people say they realize they're moving their body in a more feminine way) So I really can't comment on that however, I said "typical" because there are PLENTY of guys who are feminine and show it (Such as crying, being sensitive etc. etc.) and same with girls who act tough, play rough and in the mud and are into sports, less sensitive/emotional and so on etc. etc. so I try not to worry TOO MUCH about that part of the transition process.
Now, I honestly don't know how truly well I pass but I've been lucky that there has been few incidents of violence (Verbal/physical and no physical so far for me), and people not being respectful to me. The majority of ones who aren't respectful to me and still treat me like a male are A) Family and B) Those who I work with. Although at least at work they call me by my preferred female only name but they still call me a guy while the rest call me by my preferred name only and take a gender neutral stance. (To be fair, this might be thanks to how management told them one thing, then told them another thing but the latter should have told them what they ARE supposed to be doing) I will have to get into contact with the HR department again on this matter. (again) So anyway, at work the problem with my appearance is really hard to pass as female. My voice is bad enough but sadly I have to wear a hair net, thus I look WAY less feminine. (Next to 0) So that makes it harder for others to know I'm a woman.
So, people who know me probably think I'm trans or just weird. Still I am treated nicely and I enjoy my work including the environment, until I get misgendered or the occasion called by my old name/sir. -_- When that happens whether at work or anywhere including out and about, it hurts me, it depresses me and I've had a few, mainly just two incidents which really hurt me big time. The first is when I finally started full time, I got misgendered while trying to get my ears pierced (Didn't happen btw) and thought I didn't pass. I just wanted to go home and get the clothes off me and revert back but couldn't and I'm glad I didn't and I pushed forward. I ended up getting ma'am'd at the end of the day so it made it better for me. The 2nd incident happened recently (A month ago) where I was in the woman's restroom (About my 10th trip in that one) when one of the employees said to another woman in there who I think also worked there "That's a boy." She said it twice and I just pretended as if I didn't hear them but I knew they were talking about me as it was only the 3 of us and the woman who was told this was surprised to hear that and looked at me on our way out while trying to hide the fact she was looking at me. (A look of concerned/confused from what I could tell) Mins later I heard someone on the announcement ask someone to come to the restroom. I believe it was a higher up for the incident involving me but that's just speculation. Ever since then, I've avoided using that restroom and going near that employee. (I can't remember the other employee's appearance sadly) Does it hurt? YES! Does it make me want to detransition? Only at first but I know doing so would A) Be giving up/the end of me and B) Be letting them win and so I'll not let them win. I'll PROVE THEM ALL wrong and so help me, I won't detransition EVER! Oh and also, for the 2nd incident yes it depressed the crap out of me and ruined my exp. which should have been en enjoyable one, so much so suicidal thoughts happened and I had to burry myself in games and anime to drown it out and pass the time which later I felt much better.
So is transitioning worth it? YES! Even though I am hurt when misgendered I am being myself however, if it happened all the time where I was misgendered I know me being out and about would only hurt me but likewise me not being myself would also hurt me. As to which would hurt me more in such a situation? I can't say, and I don't want to ever know. The reason WHY we put so much emphasis on passing is because if we don't pass, we fear people will hurt/kill us, our lives will be ruined and that we won't be treated kindly/respectfully and as our correct gender. Being able to pass IS a big deal and and for those who don't understand why, try pictureing going out as yourself but now you don't pass and imagine bad stuff happening/people misgendering you and you'll see why it's a big deal. That said, a few pieces of wisdom/advice for those who aren't out yet.
1. Be yourself! You don't have to go full time, take baby steps, work your way up.
2. You'll never know how well you pass or not unless you get as much advice as you can on how to pass and apply that to yourself and then going out there as your true self and try to pass.
3. Don't think 1 or even 2 times out as yourself is a good enough indication that you do or don't pass. It takes 3 or more to get a good feel and I mean at least 1 or more hrs out as yourself each time.
4. It's all in our heads. This is true for the most part. Sure it's true some things might happen which isn't good but typically most people REALLY don't care and will go about their business just like you do yours. This also means if odd reactions come u while you're out as yourself, it doesn't mean it involves you or because you're trans. I should know because I worried so much that I couldn't pass and it eat away at me for so long till I couldn't take it anymore and just slowly went out as myself. It was very hard, nerve racking and embarrassing in some cases (Women's restroom anyone?
) but I pushed forward and am glad I did, even though I still have a long ways to go.
5. When you come out and go full time, it REALLY DOES lift many weights off of you. You wouldn't believe how much better you'll feel. That said, for those who don't pass at all I do believe it'll lift some weights off of you, just not as many as those who can pass. (I can pass but also can't at times so I should know)
I think I'm forgetting something but I hope this help you LTL and anyone else too. Really, try not to worry about it too much and just be yourself, one step at a time.
EDIT: Ok, so, also to add yes even though I'm out full time, it still isn't easy for me. I tend to avoid speaking (Due to the male voice), keep to myself and don't socialize too much. The majority of my interaction with people is at work. So yes, I enjoy being out as myself but still have my fears and worries here and there and on different things. And that, is what I forgot to say.
Oh and LTL, PM me if you have any questions you'd like to ask me or just want to talk about anything.
