How do you handle NOT passing or being known as trans by many?

[barbie]

Passing or not passing can be important, but it is a temporary feeling. Most people do not care whether you pass or not. People are interested in what you are doing, and will do as an employee, a leader, a dad/mom, a friend and etc.

During the meeting in Hawaii two weeks ago, very few women there wore as bold as me, and most people did not recognize me, as I wore like in my avatar. That was the first time they ever saw me wearing skirt. Once hearing my voice, they immediately recognized me. I interacted with them, but a few people mentioned my dresses. My colleagues happily took photos for me. They like me because I work professionally, not because I look attractive. The fact is that there was not a single person who ever considered marriage with me.

barbie~~

[Ltl89]

Passing or not passing can be important, but it is a temporary feeling. Most people do not care whether you pass or not. People are interested in what you are doing, and will do as an employee, a leader, a dad/mom, a friend and etc.

During the meeting in Hawaii two weeks ago, very few women there wore as bold as me, and most people did not recognize me, as I wore like in my avatar. That was the first time they ever saw me wearing skirt. Once hearing my voice, they immediately recognized me. I interacted with them, but a few people mentioned my dresses. My colleagues happily took photos for me. They like me because I work professionally, not because I look attractive. The fact is that there was not a single person who ever considered marriage with me.

barbie~~

You have a very healthy perspective and this is true for the most part.  However, I will always care about what others think about me.  It's just who I am and I don't see these things changing.  I'll always be chasing for validation and approval in some way.  When I don't get it, it's my own fault.  Passing is just an extension of this.  It's the need for societies tacit approval that it's okay to be me.   When I don't get it, which has happened through not passing and getting called names, I blame myself and hurt myself.  While I realize everyone wants to help me and it's great that you all are caring people, I'm damaged goods.  I really am.  However, it's gotten me far.  My need of approval has allowed me to suceed in some ways (college is a great example).  I'll always put how other people feel above my own to some degree.  The problem is, I don't know how to get this approval or validation.  It's always eluded me.  And I'm always chasing something that will never come.  And the only way to have self worth is to somehow be approved by others or be a positive force to them which is tacit approval like passing.  I don't know how to have independent self esteem that isn't tied into others in some way.  I've experienced way to much in the past that made me this way and changing this would be tantamount to me becoming a different person.  In any case, I'm a messed up cookie and always will be that.  I've just got to accept this is who I am and learn to love myself for my flaws.  But I can't change who I am.  I'm flawed, messesd up, but this is who LTL is as a person.  I've got to accept her and love her for it rather than change her. 

[stephaniec]

You have a very healthy perspective and this is true for the most part.  However, I will always care about what others think about me.  It's just who I am and I don't see these things changing.  I'll always be chasing for validation and approval in some way.  When I don't get it, it's my own fault.  Passing is just an extension of this.  It's the need for societies tacit approval that it's okay to be me.   When I don't get it, which has happened through not passing and getting called names, I blame myself and hurt myself.  While I realize everyone wants to help me and it's great that you all are caring people, I'm damaged goods.  I really am.  However, it's gotten me far.  My need of approval has allowed me to suceed in some ways (college is a great example).  I'll always put how other people feel above my own to some degree.  The problem is, I don't know how to get this approval or validation.  It's always eluded me.  And I'm always chasing something that will never come.  And the only way to have self worth is to somehow be approved by others or be a positive force to them which is tacit approval like passing.  I don't know how to have independent self esteem that isn't tied into others in some way.  I've experienced way to much in the past that made me this way and changing this would be tantamount to me becoming a different person.  In any case, I'm a messed up cookie and always will be that.  I've just got to accept this is who I am and learn to love myself for my flaws.  But I can't change who I am.  I'm flawed, messesd up, but this is who LTL is as a person.  I've got to accept her and love her for it rather than change her.

I think Barbie's way of doing things is just so right on. She just does it and looks great doing it. She doesn't even do hormones , but she looks great.

[kelly_aus]

You have a very healthy perspective and this is true for the most part.  However, I will always care about what others think about me.  It's just who I am and I don't see these things changing.  I'll always be chasing for validation and approval in some way.  When I don't get it, it's my own fault.  Passing is just an extension of this.  It's the need for societies tacit approval that it's okay to be me.   When I don't get it, which has happened through not passing and getting called names, I blame myself and hurt myself.  While I realize everyone wants to help me and it's great that you all are caring people, I'm damaged goods.  I really am.  However, it's gotten me far.  My need of approval has allowed me to suceed in some ways (college is a great example).  I'll always put how other people feel above my own to some degree.  The problem is, I don't know how to get this approval or validation.  It's always eluded me.  And I'm always chasing something that will never come.  And the only way to have self worth is to somehow be approved by others or be a positive force to them which is tacit approval like passing.  I don't know how to have independent self esteem that isn't tied into others in some way.  I've experienced way to much in the past that made me this way and changing this would be tantamount to me becoming a different person.  In any case, I'm a messed up cookie and always will be that.  I've just got to accept this is who I am and learn to love myself for my flaws.  But I can't change who I am.  I'm flawed, messesd up, but this is who LTL is as a person.  I've got to accept her and love her for it rather than change her.

What happens when you no longer get any external validation? Societies tacit approval? You'll be waiting a while.

[Jill F]

How do I handle not passing or being known as trans? 

I simply don't care.  If you have a problem, well, that's YOUR problem, and I refuse to make it mine.  One day I just wanted to blow chowder wearing boy clothes, then I looked down and saw my tiny breasts and thought about how ridiculous I felt.  I started to feel like a full transition was right for me, so I jumped in with both feet.  I didn't have the option of being stealth or moving to a new town and everyone was going to know sooner or later, so I just got over it and moved on.  I see pictures of me a year ago and it's amazing how different I look now.  I was probably jumping the gun a bit, but that's just how I roll.  All it took was a little attitude adjustment. 

Finding out who my friends REALLY were was awesome.  I didn't want those other people clogging up my life anyway.

[Sephirah]

You have a very healthy perspective and this is true for the most part.  However, I will always care about what others think about me.  It's just who I am and I don't see these things changing.  I'll always be chasing for validation and approval in some way.  When I don't get it, it's my own fault.  Passing is just an extension of this.  It's the need for societies tacit approval that it's okay to be me.   When I don't get it, which has happened through not passing and getting called names, I blame myself and hurt myself.  While I realize everyone wants to help me and it's great that you all are caring people, I'm damaged goods.  I really am.  However, it's gotten me far.  My need of approval has allowed me to suceed in some ways (college is a great example).  I'll always put how other people feel above my own to some degree.  The problem is, I don't know how to get this approval or validation.  It's always eluded me.  And I'm always chasing something that will never come.  And the only way to have self worth is to somehow be approved by others or be a positive force to them which is tacit approval like passing.  I don't know how to have independent self esteem that isn't tied into others in some way.  I've experienced way to much in the past that made me this way and changing this would be tantamount to me becoming a different person.  In any case, I'm a messed up cookie and always will be that.  I've just got to accept this is who I am and learn to love myself for my flaws.  But I can't change who I am.  I'm flawed, messesd up, but this is who LTL is as a person.  I've got to accept her and love her for it rather than change her. 

Damaged does not mean un-fixable, Mattie. That you care so much about what others think of you is who people have made you. Not who you are. If you think about it, how can it be who you are when you don't actually know who that is outside of other people's perceptions? Perceptions coloured by their own experiences in the world, their own emotions, hangups and perspective? What you're doing is denying yourself everything you think is so important in others - the right to form your own views.

As you say, when you don't get the views of you that you want, you see it as your fault. That it's something that you did wrong, or said wrong, or didn't try hard enough. You blame yourself for it, but it's essentially a paradoxical approach - on the one hand you believe that what other people think is so fundamentally important to your sense of self that it's what you base your way of living on... Yet on the other hand you believe that what you do, say and think, is the primary influence in these thoughts of you. Like... "I can make people think something about me that I want them to just by doing the right things." Their views matter, but it's you who makes those views. How can you trust what other people think of you if, at some level, you believe that they can't form an opinion independent of your own actions? Especially knowing that you have low self-esteem and constantly think you're everything you're scared of others thinking you are.

What you are essentially doing is projecting your own views of yourself onto those around you. Turning people into mirrors of yourself. And that's why you never find what you're looking for, sweetie. Because it isn't about other people at all. It's about you. You give power over yourself to others, give away that control of yourself and your own sense of self to those around you because, well, you don't know how not to. Because it's something you did in your past to protect yourself from being hurt. At a time in your life where you weren't old enough, maybe, or weren't in a position to be able to assert your own feelings. To be who you wanted to be. And at that time it worked - it stopped you from being hurt. But now your mind feels instinctively that it's the only way you can be. It worked before so it can work again and again. But your mind doesn't realise that your circumstances are different now. You've grown up. You're at a point where you can dictate your own life. Mattie, your mind is still holding on to the scared kid who needed to stop being hurt and couldn't do anything else but appease those around her to stop the hurt.

It doesn't have to be like that. Independent self esteem can be established by trying to see that other people will sometimes think things about you no matter what you do, say, think or feel... Simply because it's who they are as people. Because just as your past and your life have influenced how you are, so have theirs influenced how they are. And you can start trying to attribute the same importance to what you think as you do to what everyone else thinks.

Think about times there was no one else around but you felt good about yourself. Maybe you did something, or wore something, wrote or drew something. Where did those feelings come from if not from other people? That is the Mattie you have to find. The girl who may be buried somewhere deep down, but who knows it's okay to be who she wants to be because it really is who she is.

Mattie, you didn't let anyone stop you transitioning because they thought you shouldn't, or because of what they thought about it. Which proves you do have an independent sense of self, and what you want. Tap into that person - the person with her own wants and needs and views. She's there, waiting.

You say changing how you've done things in your past would make you a different person, and not you. I would respectfully disagree with that. I think it would, for the first time, make you actually be you, and not an amalgamation of fears, thoughts and desires created by those around you. People who don't actually know anything other than what you think they want to know. An illusion created to feel safe. You've done that before, sweetie, by living as your birth gender. That wasn't any better for you than this is.

Changing it would mean that, for the second time, you will stop being who everyone thinks you should be, and start being who you think you should be. Your views are just as important as everyone else's. They have just as much worth. You have just as much control over your own feelings about yourself as you give to everyone else. The key is seeing that.

Sorry, those are just my feelings on it. I think you are worth far more than you think you are, Mattie.

[kimdp999]

Interesting thread, before FFS and dropping 30 lbs I felt like 80% of the people didn't even notice, 10% who did notice didn't care, and only 10% gave me a disapproving look.  Even after SRS and everyone who knows me is very impressed with the results (even when trying to look male some people were saying I looked female), I still wonder, "did I just get clocked?".  I know I have been a few times, especially after opening my mouth and letting my deep male voice come out.  The mass majority of people have still been congenial.  I've only had one time when some one made me feel uncomfortable.  He was standing behind me in the check out line (at Wal-mart of course....), and I looked back and I felt like he was glaring at me.  Part of me wanted to say something, but discretion won out.  He looked like the kind of guy who was generally pissed about everything anyway. 

It's more important to me to live my life the way I want, without fear, not in hiding, and not pretending to be something I'm not so I'll be accepted.  I am what I am.  If someone doesn't like it, too bad, and they can hate me all they want, just don't screw with me. 

Cheers
Kim

[Ev]

I could care less, really.  I have seen people mistake biological women for men...women who are not "trying" to look male at that...as well as mistake some biological males as female, even when they are not trying to be female.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Do I pass or blend in Look at my photo. you make your mind up like every one else has to .

Okay my friends go back 56 years, they knew me then and still do now, my friend know more about myself than i do and they are right, they have me sussed even figgered me out, and i never said a word yet some knew what i was, and get this how i look never came into it, they knew what i knew not all the detail of cause,

Then when i ...TOLD...every one   nation wide, in NZ. TV papers net, i did not have to explain what , who or why, it was all done over night,

Today they have no issues dont care i look more masculine than feminine = female they accept im female....thats..... a little different,

My new friends over the last 16 years here in Waimate accept and we get on as we did before, . its about get known join groups be part of socity become a member work with with them and best of all you will be as wellcome any where, as i am , you just have to move your self and do it,

I have responsibilities they have given me and i fullfill them plus do more,

I'v heard all the excuss's and the why not's cant do and dont look right.

I have a raft of them that i could have used from Dyslixea  major to handycaps ,

Then i  dont look like a female  you know what i went through hell been abused lacked every thing at school and even work was a nightmare  plus more,

i knew i had to grow into a strong woman if i was to be a woman .

i will say i was being prepared over 20 years ago and i needed to go through detail to get where i am now. even though im an intersexed female i had a lot of disadvantages and still have,

my looks or lack of is not what this is about this is about growing into.... being.....who i am as a person first , then a strong minded woman,

get away from this western type thinking that you must look a certain way,  my people dont all have this feminine look about them ,
quite masculine in thier facial features, like i am , so think out side the box or im more likely to say out side your county and look at other peoples you may find how  lovely they look and like myself with those features.

do they have issues with them selfs.  something to think about,

...noeleena...

[arbon]

I think a lot of people firgure out I am trans by interacting with me, or if they are from the same county they probably already know.

Its not that bad. I am comfortable with how I live my life and with who I am, and most people are respectful to me. There are some people who cant understand it, some who seem scared, some downright disapproving - but I don't really care about them. What they think does not change who I am. If they have a problem with me well its their problem no mine.

My life is still much, much better then when I lived as a man.

[Joanna Dark]

Well, I could say passing doesn't matter. Look inside your heart. Be yourself. That's all that matters. And if you can believe that, great. But, for you Mattie, it does matter, so why type it? First things first: Did you pluck your eyebrows? At all. Even a little. A eensy weensy bit. Even that one little annoying hair that grab and try to pluck but miss? Well, did you? Because from you last images I saw, I didn't see plucked eyebrows. Maybe you plucked in a mannish way but pluck them. You need to start somewhere and you need to do something postive and constructive that will get you somewhere rather than hearing the philosophies of being trans and passing? I guess some people like being trans. I effing hate it. Do I hate myself. No not all. But it is what it is. But back to my point: do something. Do anything. And for Chrissake pluck your eyebrows! Seriously, I'm not kidding. I also believe the umbilical cord is still a bit too tight and tied and needs severing and that is holding you back big time. You need to make a choice. Or not. Time doesn't wait.

[jussmoi4nao]

Mattie reminds me a little of my mother, I just wanna shake her and be like damnn it woman why do you ask if you're not even gonna listen! Or if you're gonna bury us in rationaluzations or pretend you're listening but do your own thing, anyway.

I say that with love, hon. Lotsa and ltotsa love. But you need to snap out of this! Because your problems are so fixable. I've seen your pictures...and I have to agree with Joanna on what she said about the eyebrows. Damn girl, fix that sh-t! Hell, I'll do it for you.

Fact is, nobodys born perfect! Noobody. You need to modify your body to where you like it. That includes makeup..such as to cover the minor beard shadow you got goin on. And a little bit of expression in your face will do wonders for you...like...smile...or scowl...but express an emotion.

Your problems are so so fixable Mattie. You just need to except that estrogen isn't a panecea. There's tons more work in transition. You WILL pass if you try, but you don't try babe!  And also....I think you're a little OCD. Which you may wanna discuss with a therapist.

Seriously Mattie, go to a salon. Get your hair done, get your brows styled. Then go to the mall and get a fuull makeover if you don't know how to apply it yourself. Then buy something cute and girly from American Apparel or wherever you shop. Then make a friend. Then go out for some fricken FroYo, and tell me you don't feel a gajillion times better. It's summer, girl....you know who you are right? That's the hardest f-cking part! Now go out and be her, ya scaredy cat!

*waits for LtL to write out more rationalizations for why she's dragging her feet*

PS. Please don't be hurt this is meant as 'tough love' not an attack, by any means at aall

[Ltl89]

Damaged does not mean un-fixable, Mattie. That you care so much about what others think of you is who people have made you. Not who you are. If you think about it, how can it be who you are when you don't actually know who that is outside of other people's perceptions? Perceptions coloured by their own experiences in the world, their own emotions, hangups and perspective? What you're doing is denying yourself everything you think is so important in others - the right to form your own views.

As you say, when you don't get the views of you that you want, you see it as your fault. That it's something that you did wrong, or said wrong, or didn't try hard enough. You blame yourself for it, but it's essentially a paradoxical approach - on the one hand you believe that what other people think is so fundamentally important to your sense of self that it's what you base your way of living on... Yet on the other hand you believe that what you do, say and think, is the primary influence in these thoughts of you. Like... "I can make people think something about me that I want them to just by doing the right things." Their views matter, but it's you who makes those views. How can you trust what other people think of you if, at some level, you believe that they can't form an opinion independent of your own actions? Especially knowing that you have low self-esteem and constantly think you're everything you're scared of others thinking you are.

What you are essentially doing is projecting your own views of yourself onto those around you. Turning people into mirrors of yourself. And that's why you never find what you're looking for, sweetie. Because it isn't about other people at all. It's about you. You give power over yourself to others, give away that control of yourself and your own sense of self to those around you because, well, you don't know how not to. Because it's something you did in your past to protect yourself from being hurt. At a time in your life where you weren't old enough, maybe, or weren't in a position to be able to assert your own feelings. To be who you wanted to be. And at that time it worked - it stopped you from being hurt. But now your mind feels instinctively that it's the only way you can be. It worked before so it can work again and again. But your mind doesn't realise that your circumstances are different now. You've grown up. You're at a point where you can dictate your own life. Mattie, your mind is still holding on to the scared kid who needed to stop being hurt and couldn't do anything else but appease those around her to stop the hurt.

It doesn't have to be like that. Independent self esteem can be established by trying to see that other people will sometimes think things about you no matter what you do, say, think or feel... Simply because it's who they are as people. Because just as your past and your life have influenced how you are, so have theirs influenced how they are. And you can start trying to attribute the same importance to what you think as you do to what everyone else thinks.

Think about times there was no one else around but you felt good about yourself. Maybe you did something, or wore something, wrote or drew something. Where did those feelings come from if not from other people? That is the Mattie you have to find. The girl who may be buried somewhere deep down, but who knows it's okay to be who she wants to be because it really is who she is.

Mattie, you didn't let anyone stop you transitioning because they thought you shouldn't, or because of what they thought about it. Which proves you do have an independent sense of self, and what you want. Tap into that person - the person with her own wants and needs and views. She's there, waiting.

You say changing how you've done things in your past would make you a different person, and not you. I would respectfully disagree with that. I think it would, for the first time, make you actually be you, and not an amalgamation of fears, thoughts and desires created by those around you. People who don't actually know anything other than what you think they want to know. An illusion created to feel safe. You've done that before, sweetie, by living as your birth gender. That wasn't any better for you than this is.

Changing it would mean that, for the second time, you will stop being who everyone thinks you should be, and start being who you think you should be. Your views are just as important as everyone else's. They have just as much worth. You have just as much control over your own feelings about yourself as you give to everyone else. The key is seeing that.

Sorry, those are just my feelings on it. I think you are worth far more than you think you are, Mattie.

Seph, you really are the best.  I actually just took a screenshot for me to re-read this when I'm in a better mood.  I think you're right about a lot of things, and it's that ability to empathize and see things clearly that I respect about you.  I just don't know how to change myself. 

Well, I could say passing doesn't matter. Look inside your heart. Be yourself. That's all that matters. And if you can believe that, great. But, for you Mattie, it does matter, so why type it? First things first: Did you pluck your eyebrows? At all. Even a little. A eensy weensy bit. Even that one little annoying hair that grab and try to pluck but miss? Well, did you? Because from you last images I saw, I didn't see plucked eyebrows. Maybe you plucked in a mannish way but pluck them. You need to start somewhere and you need to do something postive and constructive that will get you somewhere rather than hearing the philosophies of being trans and passing? I guess some people like being trans. I effing hate it. Do I hate myself. No not all. But it is what it is. But back to my point: do something. Do anything. And for Chrissake pluck your eyebrows! Seriously, I'm not kidding. I also believe the umbilical cord is still a bit too tight and tied and needs severing and that is holding you back big time. You need to make a choice. Or not. Time doesn't wait.

I have been plucking, but I'm not the best at it.  I'm afraid of taking too much off and I've messed up big time on my brows in the past. When I decide on going full time, I will just go to a salon. 

As for the relationship with my family, we may be too close, but they're all I have.  Look at the quote you have on the side of your name.  Something in the words of together we are everything.  I believe people in general are what give us meaning and not having my family would be a horrible thing for me. Besides, I need them and they are doing a lot to support me at a time where my job status is very insecure and needs time in order to be sorted out.  I appreciate that.  I don't want to be one of those trans women that live in their cars or something.  And that happens way to often.  Ensuring I have a means of survival is important.

Mattie reminds me a little of my mother, I just wanna shake her and be like damnn it woman why do you ask if you're not even gonna listen! Or if you're gonna bury us in rationaluzations or pretend you're listening but do your own thing, anyway.

I say that with love, hon. Lotsa and ltotsa love. But you need to snap out of this! Because your problems are so fixable. I've seen your pictures...and I have to agree with Joanna on what she said about the eyebrows. Damn girl, fix that sh-t! Hell, I'll do it for you.

Fact is, nobodys born perfect! Noobody. You need to modify your body to where you like it. That includes makeup..such as to cover the minor beard shadow you got goin on. And a little bit of expression in your face will do wonders for you...like...smile...or scowl...but express an emotion.

Your problems are so so fixable Mattie. You just need to except that estrogen isn't a panecea. There's tons more work in transition. You WILL pass if you try, but you don't try babe!  And also....I think you're a little OCD. Which you may wanna discuss with a therapist.

Seriously Mattie, go to a salon. Get your hair done, get your brows styled. Then go to the mall and get a fuull makeover if you don't know how to apply it yourself. Then buy something cute and girly from American Apparel or wherever you shop. Then make a friend. Then go out for some fricken FroYo, and tell me you don't feel a gajillion times better. It's summer, girl....you know who you are right? That's the hardest f-cking part! Now go out and be her, ya scaredy cat!

*waits for LtL to write out more rationalizations for why she's dragging her feet*

PS. Please don't be hurt this is meant as 'tough love' not an attack, by any means at aall

I know you are trying to help Abby and I'm glad I'm fixable.  I will go to a salon and fix the brows and find a better hairstyle when I'm ready.  But I'm not ready.  And I don't know if I'll ever be that way.  I'm probably going to sit in misery before for a while longer before I actually make any productive or meaningful changes.  That's the truth.  I go slowly at my own pace, but it's how I am.  No matter what is said to me, I don't think I'll ever consider anything faster than June for full time.

I have family that is OCD, so I'm sure I don't have that even though I probably have lots of other problems going on.  I see people do the rituals all the time and it drives me crazy to watch them do these things to "ensure the house doesn't go on fire".   However, I really do acknowledge that there are other problems going on that I'm going to have to deal with.  I just don't know what they really are and why I am the way I am.  That's really what I'm trying to understand because I think these are my biggest problems.

[Miyuki]

I know you are trying to help Abby and I'm glad I'm fixable.  I will go to a salon and fix the brows and find a better hairstyle when I'm ready.  But I'm not ready.  And I don't know if I'll ever be that way.  I'm probably going to sit in misery before for a while longer before I actually make any productive or meaningful changes.  That's the truth.  I go slowly at my own pace, but it's how I am.  No matter what is said to me, I don't think I'll ever consider anything faster than June for full time.

Well June is only a little more than a month away. If you're only a month away from working up the courage to go full time, I don't think anyone could complain about the progress you're making. Still, I wish you wouldn't say that you have to sit in misery before making any changes. You don't "have" to do any such thing. If you want to move at your own pace then that's fine, but you don't have to feel bad about yourself just because you're not exactly where you want to be right now. Try to feel good that you are making the changes you want to make, and believe that you will get to the place you want to be eventually.

I have family that is OCD, so I'm sure I don't have that even though I probably have lots of other problems going on.  I see people do the rituals all the time and it drives me crazy to watch them do these things to "ensure the house doesn't go on fire".   However, I really do acknowledge that there are other problems going on that I'm going to have to deal with.  I just don't know what they really are and why I am the way I am.  That's really what I'm trying to understand because I think these are my biggest problems.

Hmm... you know OCD manifests itself in a lot of different ways. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I do believe that constant worrying is one possible manifestation of OCD pattern thinking. Maybe this is something you could bring up with your therapist? Especially if it runs in your family, you might actually be suffering from a treatable condition. Just a thought...

[Ltl89]

Well June is only a little more than a month away. If you're only a month away from working up the courage to go full time, I don't think anyone could complain about the progress you're making. Still, I wish you wouldn't say that you have to sit in misery before making any changes. You don't "have" to do any such thing. If you want to move at your own pace then that's fine, but you don't have to feel bad about yourself just because you're not exactly where you want to be right now. Try to feel good that you are making the changes you want to make, and believe that you will get to the place you want to be eventually.

Hmm... you know OCD manifests itself in a lot of different ways. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I do believe that constant worrying is one possible manifestation of OCD pattern thinking. Maybe this is something you could bring up with your therapist? Especially if it runs in your family, you might actually be suffering from a treatable condition. Just a thought...

I've got to be careful about privacy, but there is some mental illness that may or may not exist in some family member or members.  This has had a huge impact on me and my own self worth over the years, but I really can't discuss how this impacted me.  I've got to respect privacy of other people. I really don't think I'm OCD, but I have picked up habits and traits from certain family members.  My therapist is very aware of my family and we talk a great deal about how I'm treated and the need to find an external support system given how things at home can be.  I wish I could open up more about these things as it would help to let these things out, but I just can't share some of these things as they are very personal and private for other people involved as well.

thank you.  I know I'm slow, but I've got to move at my own pace and deal with these internal issues I have first.  Thank you for understanding that. 

[Miyuki]

I've got to be careful about privacy, but there is some mental illness that may or may not exist in some family member or members.  This has had a huge impact on me and my own self worth over the years, but I really can't discuss how this impacted me.  I've got to respect privacy of other people. I really don't think I'm OCD, but I have picked up habits and traits from certain family members.  My therapist is very aware of my family and we talk a great deal about how I'm treated and the need to find an external support system given how things at home can be.  I wish I could open up more about these things as it would help to let these things out, but I just can't share some of these things as they are very personal and private for other people involved as well.

*sigh*, I know what that can be like. I haven't always had the easiest time getting along with my family either. Things are okay for the moment, but I'm never sure how long it will last... If you ever want to just vent at someone privately and let a few things out, I would be happy to listen and offer any advice that I can. I don't want you to betray anyone's confidence, but I'll listen to anything you feel comfortable sharing.

[Ltl89]

*sigh*, I know what that can be like. I haven't always had the easiest time getting along with my family either. Things are okay for the moment, but I'm never sure how long it will last... If you ever want to just vent at someone privately and let a few things out, I would be happy to listen and offer any advice that I can. I don't want you to betray anyone's confidence, but I'll listen to anything you feel comfortable sharing.

Oh, thank you.  It's just there are some things I don't like talking about and haven't shared with another soul, probably never will.  I can only talk openly about some things.  I'm just very hurt by my family for some things and I could have been a different person if things were differently, but they weren't and things are as they stand.  You can't change the past or alter who people are no matter how hard you try.  I still love them with my whole heart and will do whatever I have to in order to protect them and their image.  Despite anything that may have harmed me in the past, they are the greatest people in this world and I love them so much.  It makes things very conflicted at best because much of my self image is tied into my family and the past. 

[Miyuki]

Oh, thank you.  It's just there are some things I don't like talking about and haven't shared with another soul, probably never will.  I can only talk openly about some things.  I'm just very hurt by my family for some things and I could have been a different person if things were differently, but they weren't and things are as they stand.  You can't change the past or alter who people are no matter how hard you try.  I still love them with my whole heart and will do whatever I have to in order to protect them and their image.  Despite anything that may have harmed me in the past, they are the greatest people in this world and I love them so much.  It makes things very conflicted at best because much of my self image is tied into my family and the past.

Your family really can be either the worst or the best thing in your life, depending on the circumstances... I've also been through a few things with mine that I've chosen not to share here. But I've been lucky that even though they've done some things that have really hurt me in the past, it's never been out of spite or malice, but rather just allowing their personal flaws to get out of hand and affect other people. That's why I've always been willing to forgive them. I hope that's true in your case as well.

[Ltl89]

Your family really can be either the worst or the best thing in your life, depending on the circumstances... I've also been through a few things with mine that I've chosen not to share here. But I've been lucky that even though they've done some things that have really hurt me in the past, it's never been out of spite or malice, but rather just allowing their personal flaws to get out of hand and affect other people. That's why I've always been willing to forgive them. I hope that's true in your case as well.

It's very hard to explain.  I would love to say things are peachy and always were, but it's ignoring problems that I've pretended never existed.  It's weird because in some many ways, my family are the greatest people ever.  Then in some ways, they are why I am this fragile and messed up.  I don't know how to put it and I don't want to hurt oher people.  This is just something I can't talk about no matter how much I want to open up.   In any case, they are really wonderful people who mean the world to me.  I don't want anyone here thinking badly about any of them when they are so great.  I just don't know how to explain things and it would be very wrong for me to talk about some of this stuff.  Seriously, I really can't talk more than this or all hell would break lose and it would be my fault.  I just can't deal with that. 

[Violet Bloom]

  LTL, you sound a lot like the way I was before I had concluded I was trans.  I had put so much thought and micro-assessment into every element of my life good or bad, my motivations and why people didn't quite 'get' me, that when I reached the point of presenting female part-time it was actually the easiest part of my transition.  I simply got so fed up with feeling sorry for myself about everything, knowing I'd done nothing wrong, that I'd already hit the fore-mentioned "#@%*-it" moment.  If you are as young as you say then you're feeling the same as I did at that age.  Looking back I know that I would not have had the knowledge or the strength of character at that point to transition even if I had known yet I wanted to.  You mentioned that there are probably other unrelated issues you must tackle before you can continue your transition, and realizing this and finding the strength to deal with it is likely far more important than anything else you will ever do.  My doctor said that, in her experience, HRT generally only causes major mental health blow-ups if the underlying problems were already there.  When I first met my new doctor I had already cleared my head of most of my fears and they deemed me to be one of the most grounded and emotionally healthy people they'd ever met.  Other than a brief stint in group therapy (and a touch of the Susan's Place ) I ended up not having to go the therapist route at all as a result.

  I've just started seeing a speech therapist and they are in a clinic that deals with any sort of voice issue.  To my great shock they are actually acting like an all-around coach for my transition process so there is a lot of discussion about how my life is going and a number of gender-related questionnaires that are forcing me to evaluate my situation in-depth - therapy by stealth, perhaps.  One of the questions posed basically asked if I thought I passed in public and to what degree.  I was completely stumped!  I knew going in to the transition process that I'd have to have a very healthy attitude towards my public presentation at the beginning and through all the stages because I live in one of the largest cities in North America and have to walk past hundreds or thousands of people in a trip.  I never caught so much as an odd glance that I know of and I've also used the womens' public washrooms many times now without any trouble.  But I also know that in almost every direct interaction with a service person I am immediately gendered male even wearing obvious female attire.  Even the pharmacist handing out my HRT and seeing my preferred name on file called me "sir" the first few visits.  So perhaps I don't pass at all and no one is being weird about it?  I find that hard to believe but I can't be sure.  But I've made that the least of my concerns especially right now having to grow out my beard for electrolysis and finding that concealer makeup is a waste of time for hiding it.  A little uncomfortable, sure, but I understand that I can't do anything to improve the situation so I'm not going to let it impact my freedom.

  I understand how you feel right now, that your presentation affects your freedom to have the experiences and inter-personal relationships you seek as a female.  Trust me, I know how that is right now.  I've already gone two years since coming out to myself and spending the entire time feeling 'undefined' as a presentation and to some extent as a personal identity.  I also don't know or claim to know how all of this will turn out or how far I will choose to take it.  The best I can do is stay on track with my brutally busy schedule of work and appointments while enjoying the moments of freedom I have.  I went into this process with the attitude that everyone could know I was trans so that every single time someone doesn't notice or at least interacts with me respectfully that is a bonus and a gift.  On any given day therefore I'm receiving thousands of little gifts.  All I really hoped for is that my presentation would not cause majorly uncomfortable or dangerous situations, and so far my experience has been safe.  When I am being mis-gendered it is no failure on my part and I understand that I'll be living as an 'unfinished product' for a while yet.  It has not impacted my access to anything I wanted to do so far because I haven't allowed it to.

  Hmmm, I should qualify that further by noting that I don't feel I'm in a position to seek romantic relationships yet with compatible women because I can't yet appear instinctively to them as compatible in their minds.  Having gone nearly relationship-less until now at age 37 because I was so confusing to women and I was so confused and afraid myself, I'm feeling quite lonely but also stuck in a position where I'm not physically ready to be the person I think I am.  It does make me kinda sad, but again, I can't really do anything about it yet.  I will probably complete my transition just as I'm turning the big 4-0 and then I have to learn to live from scratch, finding relationships and making them work, particularly sexually, without proper experience.  This is one of the biggest mental challenges remaining for me and unfortunately I know it has to wait, looming on the horizon, until I can even begin to try.  I deal with my challenges by remembering to do it one day at a time and not dwell on the future.  Each day I may feel slightly different about myself but I really won't know I've hit a major milestone until it happens.  One of the most important things I ever realized is that I can't control or plan if or when I pass fully.  Therefore I can't stress out over when that magical moment might happen.  I just have to get out there and just be.

  For god's sake, get out there and LIVE while you're still young!  Don't wait and have to finish transition at 40 as I will.  I might get a few precious years to be seen as 'young and beautiful' and maybe relationship material to 30-somethings.  You can do this and not have to look back with as much regret as I will.  I wasted 15 to 20 years of my life thinking that if I just struggled through one more day then tomorrow would somehow be different.  That day never came until I crashed hard and committed to fundamentally changing my own approach to life, risks be damned!