I can relate. Honestly, sometimes the whole transgender thing feels like a competition between ourselves. I don't know if it's just me that gets these vibes but I sometimes see people throwing around ->-bleeped-<-r-than-thou arguements. The whole "I knew I was transgender since I was 6" "Oh yeah? Well I knew since I was 4!", next thing you know someone's felt female since birth.
I don't think you can rationalize gender identity. Hell, I'll come forward and state that sometimes I don't even know if I believe in gender. Gender dysphoria is real, I've experienced it, but... the concept of "feeling female" is alien to me.
I don't feel like a "man" and I don't feel like a "woman". I feel like me and that's it, nothing else should matter. Some people will try to make poetry out of it and say "well, I don't feel my legs but if they hurt, I know they're there", which again, doesn't do much more than validate the existance of gender dysphoria, which I did experience.
The real antagonist here are gender roles. They condition who you are, who you can be and what you can do. You're exposed to them since birth and you'll be putting up with them until the day you die, that's why it's taken a little more serious than "nose dysphoria" for people who want rhinoplasty or "racial dysphoria" for wiggers addicted to Hip Hop, lol. Having a big nose doesn't hinder you from leading a fulfilling life, neither does identifying with a particular culture or trend you're not born into. But, being told how to act, what to like and what to ignore, can have devastating effects on an individual, and it's not something you can just "fix".
So, basically, I'm skeptical about the existance of "gender identity", but I don't doubt the existance of identity, as a whole. There is no stupid binary or categories that everyone fits into, there are people. The sooner we stop trying to label "gender identities" and simply take people for what they are and what they behave like, the sooner "gender dysphoria" will disappear.
I know a lot of people like to cling to science to validate their gender issues, saying it's to do with hormonal activity in the womb and <insert other theory here>... the truth is... nobody knows what causes it. It's all speculation, there is no definite answer. From a neutral standpoint, the phenomenom of transsexuality is just as likely to be caused by social factors as it is to be caused by genetics. Nobody knows.
Gender roles were created out of biological necessity. Females got pregnant, so physical labour was mostly handled by males. Men have evolved into being "stronger" because they had to, women took on a different role. However, in today's society, a lot of these notions and "roles" are absurd. Like "I want a man to protect me"... protect you from what? The rival barbarian tribe? We live in large societies and there's rules in place, wanting someone to "fight for you" is childish and selfish, none should want others to engage in confrontation for them, there's law-enforcement agents for that, and guess what? They're both male and female.
Gender roles are fortunately being flushed down the drain as society evolves, but they're still there. However, nowadays they're a societal construct more than a biological necessity. Here's the thing; wanting to feel safe, wanting to feel desired, wanting to be strong, wanting to be in control... these traits aren't gendered necessities... they're human necessities. It all depends on what each individual needs to feel happy and validated. Unfortunately, these "needs" are seen as positive in one gender and negatives in the other, so what happens when one craves what the other sex has, but is told to want what his/her sex can have? Gender dysphoria, and it just gets worse because gender roles are plastered on your face, you're forced to live with them and repress part of your identity. And what happens when an individual craves aspects from both genders? Confusion, as is Abby's case and many other people's. It is seriously out there and I believe "gender issues" are a part of almost everyone's lives. It's taboo to speak about, but I'm fairly certain that most human beings in modern society have experienced it to a small degree at one point or another in their lives... the question is, if your feelings of identification with the other gender's roles justify transitioning into it, or not.
Have you ever noticed how transsexual people seem to place a huge emphasis on gender roles? How they're very likely to live up to certain stereotypes and be proud of it? Why do you think that is? To me, it's the ultimate sign that gender roles are behind gender dysphoria. I once read a study where the doctor behind it suggested the renaming of our gender issues from "Gender Dysphoria" to "Gender Expression Disorder", which I see as more adequate, but far from ideal.
If both men and women could wear the same things, do the same things, be perceived as equals... would anyone be discontent with their birth sex? Ask yourselves this question and be honest, not to me, but to yourselves. I can only speak for myself and not others, but I have no "right" answer for the question, I simply don't know how to answer it.
Some people take comfort in hypothetical scientific explanations that might justify their gender issues, but I think that there's a lot of facts out there that make it just as likely for transsexualism to be caused by societal factors. Did you know that in the USA, there's 3 MtFs for each FtM? Coincidence? In my country, there's 4 FtMs for each MtF. This really points towards social factors behind gender dysphoria, towards it having to do with culture, a different perception of each gender's roles.
So yeah. I know my post got very long, I feel almost compelled to make a thread out of it, but I'm afraid it might be offensive to people who only want to believe in what they like to hear. In the end, the issue isn't you, or me, or anyone. The issue is gender roles, present in every society out there and masking people's identities and individuality.
I'd explain how I feel about transition, how/why/when I started identifying with transsexualism and talk about my own doubts, but I don't want to make this post longer. Just know, Abby, that you don't have to be "something". You're already you. If you like being both a boy and a girl, then there's nothing wrong with that, I am the same way in a sense.
On that note, it's probably good that you're feminine! Females are allowed more leniency when it comes to gender expression. Nobody blinks at a woman in man's clothing, but a feminine man is a scandal... so yes, I think being perceived as female is a boon when it comes to being your true self. Men suffer too much pressure to be "normal", most people have a fear of the word "gay" and "feminine", they're seen as derogative terms, females in that respect have it easier. Why are girls much more comfortable to kiss each other on the lips than guys? Society allows it.
Again, sorry for writing so much >.<
