I've seen a few examples of letters sent to family. I thought I would post mine. It's been several years since I wrote this but I think it's still on point and perhaps it will help someone else.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Writing this e-mail is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. Please excuse me for sending this instead of talking to you on the telephone or in person, but once you finish reading it, I think that you'll understand why I chose to do it this way. I want to assure you that (Ex Wife), the kids and I are in good health and none of us has a terminal illness or anything serious like that, although the problems (ex wife) and I have recently had in our relationship are related to this and partly because of it as you'll see.
Where to begin? Well, all my life, I've been a little different from other people in one way or another. I think we all know I was kind of hard to handle as a teen, very stubborn but quite focused, getting into trouble, pushing boundaries and although I portrayed a tough guy who was 100% certain of everything, truth be told I was quite unsure of myself so I made it a point to do all the tough stuff like joining the Marines and playing football, etc. I'm aware that some of this gave you both a bit of concern at times and regardless of my professional success it has continued to be a constant source of frustration for me - even today. Anyhow, for some time (years) I'd been having self doubts. I wasn't totally sure about who I was. Over time I became unsettled and have progressively become more and more unhappy. The uncertainty of what I was doing and where I was going exposed something that I had dealt with and knowingly buried long ago. About 18 months ago (ex wife) and I talked about it and I started seeing a therapist early last year to try and come to terms with the incongruity I was experiencing in my life which was getting worse seemingly by the day.
Anyway, after seeing a first counselor who quickly suggested a diagnosis that made me uncomfortable, I changed to another therapist and began weekly discussions that have over several months resulted in the same diagnosis. What they have suggested is that I have a medical condition called Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria. Apparently this disorder manifests itself in many ways, but, strangely the actions and reactions to circumstances over my entire life mirror what is a typical path and evolution for people who have this disorder. In short, I am what is commonly termed a transsexual although the label still sounds somewhat dirty, which it's not.
I know what you must be thinking - I've thought all of it myself! This is not what you see on Jerry Springer and it's nothing anyone did to me. It's not about sex, nor is this the result of life experiences or a lifestyle choice. This condition has existed throughout human history, and exists in every culture in the world without exception. It has to do with how the brain is structured, and science suggests I've been this way since before I was born. Genetic research of Transsexual physiology points to a physical difference that is unchangeable, and an immutable fact. When you take the clinical jargon out, I think I've always known I was "gender-gifted". Like I said earlier, I have dealt with this before. I'm pretty sure know you did not know the extent but, in my late teens and early 20's I spent extended periods of time presenting outwardly as female and living that way although at the time I thought it was just a fetish and "for fun" and something that I was able to control. It's what lead to the end of my relationship with (ex girlfriend) when she found out and I saw a counselor for this back then. When I decided to pursue a relationship with (ex wife) I thought I was just going to will it away and simply conform to what society has defined as proper roles for me and I have for almost 20 years. The problem today is that I cannot change genetics and I can't just ignore it any more. This fact about me cannot be "cured".
For clarity, Gender Dysphoria is not a psychological disorder. It is also not a disease. My clinical condition is different from that of a transvestite, cross-dresser, gay male, drag queen or female impersonator. The most important difference is that those people all have a male gender orientation and relate as male. As a transsexual woman mine is, and has always been, female - albeit I've expended considerable energy to hide it from view; and therein lies my dilemma. Masking my female orientation and disposition at home, at work and in everyday life has become impossibly difficult and now produces high levels of stress and at times severe depression. In the end, it's just the way I am. Although I'm still no closer to understanding it I make no apologies for being this way. After denying this for so many years, I've finally come to terms with it and although a difficult path, I have been proceeding with the only prescribed therapy and treatment.
Being this way is not a choice but what you do about it is. There really are only three options:
1.Kill myself. (I am a very stable individual and have never considered this although more than 50% of people like me have attempted suicide)
2.Live in misery and be depressed while hiding. (Been there, done that, can't hide anymore but also can't be miserable.)
3.Transition, live as a woman, possibly have surgery and make peace with who I am. (knowing it will hurt most of the people I love.)
So, my choice is pretty clear and I'm finally happy knowing that this confusion will be over soon as the past several months have been an emotional roller coaster for me.
Not that all of this isn't a shock to you already, but you should know that I intend to begin living and working full time as a woman in the near future. I have actually lived a significant part of my life, outside of work, as female for a while now without any problems. I am surprisingly well accepted in a female role and there are people that now know me only as Lisa, which is the name I adopted years ago and once again use now. Over time, I will be undergoing a series of procedures and undertaking hormone replacement therapy that will physically change my appearance allowing me to more easily blend into society and to ultimately match the outside with what's always been on the inside.
So, that's the whole messy situation. I would like to ask you to take at least a few days before calling me, so you can have time to think about and digest this information. I am perfectly willing to answer any questions you might have about this although this is a very personal and private matter and I ask that you only discuss this with me and not raise the subject with anyone including (ex Wife). She is struggling through this, hurt, confused and very angry. The kids do not know yet and I really need to be the one to tell people as it's appropriate so PLEASE TELL NO ONE!!!
It's taken me years to get to this point in my life, months of counseling to reach this level of understanding and any form of self acceptance, so I don't expect you to understand or be comfortable with it immediately. Gender is so deeply ingrained into our existence that it's difficult for anyone that isn't like me to get the concept. That's also what makes it important for me to make this adjustment.
I love you both and hope you will respect my decision.
So, that's it! Yes, they freaked, yes they got over it and yes we have a fantastic relationship today. In fact, my Parents have become my biggest fans and tell me often they can see how much happier I am.
I wish all of you just starting this journey the very best.
Lisa
