could I have fear of commitments and what should I do about it?

[Natkat]

I may had made a simular post once before, if so then I apoligyse .
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I came across something called fear of commitments while seaching on the net and I think I may have this as i'm pretty anxious about relationships =/. it not like I mind being single, it more like I think I would  keep being single and keep refusing anyone because of fear.

i'm not afraid of people in general. I got many friends I love and I like to be social. I'm not afraid of intimacy either and I don't mind sex or people being close. I'm only afraid when they want relationships. anything like the word of Marriage/moving together is a big NO-NO but saying "I love you" and suggest a relationship also feel abit like am overly attached girlfriend meme.

i'm not sure if I'm just born ruthless or this is something from the past. I haven't really got the best experience in relationship, i'm kinda a relationship-virgin as all my relationships have been short term chrushes who then somethimes returned my fellings but was never official and ended very fast after the feelings was returned.
some of them have said dirrectly that they could had been in relationship with me if I had wanted it but I never showed sign of wanting commitments. after a while they notice i'm not getting this step further and they give up and find someone ells and go into "real" relationships.
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It not like I don't want a relationship or think nobody would want me. I had been in love and I had people being in love with me, I just really can't get to this point calling relationship before my anxioty tells me that this is bad or imposible and I would just end up getting hurt, so I keep staying in the friendzone.
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I'm not really sure what to do about this. I read some articals but many are very hetronormative, focusing on marrige and monogamy and binary genderroles which is certainly NOT what I want and don't make it better.

I can't really efford a therapist for the momemnt, but I do want to try to overcome my fear cause I do want to try be in a relationship and I don't think I can do so if I have the fear.
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So is there people having simular fellings, and how to deal with it?

[Jess42]

Natkat, I have had many relationships. There is nothing to fear. Just because you are dating or seeing someone or actually having feelings with someone you do not have to commit yourself to them. I have seen way too many people that have become commited too fast and the relationship falls apart and then the divorce lawyers get money from you, the kids, if any, end up paying the emotional price and so on.

Just date, have fun and if you feel the other person is pining for a commitment from you and you aren't ready, just have a heart to heart talk and then let it go or if they can accept it continue having fun with that person. I have been on both sides and that is just the way it goes. Some people commit to someone really fast and others it takes a long time and if you have relationships with people you will probably experience both sides too.

There is nothing to fear. It's up to you to commit to someone. You have control of that. On the other hand the other person has the same control over their commitment to you. So be prepared.

[Rachel]

In my opinion. Relationships work if both people want the same thing in each other. So if you have criteria that you need to have and the other person has similar criterai then there should be a reduced amount of fear because the two (or more persons) would want the same things.

I guess the difficult part is to find people that want the same thing as you. Good luck.

[Blue Rabbit]

Fear a lot of the time goes against logic, reasoning and sense.

Try to take things in smaller chunks, there is no hope of building a car if you do not think of the wheels, steering wheel, engine and the such.
For example assuming you wanted a relationship, companionship or what ever, there is no point worrying if it'll work or not until you find the person to actually date.

And when you bump into a problem that is actually relevant to your current situation for example if you find some one who is fantastic, you have fun with and you're attracted to them. But you fear commitment =0 So you don't know what to do.
Just separate the fear from your brain, use paper and a pencil if you have to and write out cons and pros. Separate thought from the fear and see if there is actually a logical amount of reasons for you to ACTUALLY worry about or if you're worrying about nothing.

Think of bungie jumping! When you stand at the edge of the mountain attached to the rope every emotion you have is telling you not to jump. But if you use your head and think about it why do you feel like that? Because you might die right? But you're safe, you're attached to a rope you know is safe and has been secure for 100s of people before you, you know the process and when you decided to go bungie jumping you knew dying wasn't even likely to happen. So eventually you jump and you never regret it.
You fight the fear which is not logical and you follow your brain, YOU take command and it works out for the best.

But yea seriously, sorry for rambling but the main thing I did wanna kinda get across or ask is ya know why are you thinking so big? Whats the real issue? Do you have a relationship right now? If not then why are you worrying about commitment, shouldn't you be worrying about getting into a relationship first and tackling that instead of issues higher up the chain?

[Natkat]

But yea seriously, sorry for rambling but the main thing I did wanna kinda get across or ask is ya know why are you thinking so big? Whats the real issue? Do you have a relationship right now? If not then why are you worrying about commitment, shouldn't you be worrying about getting into a relationship first and tackling that instead of issues higher up the chain?

I'm sorry for being unclear. by commitment I didn't mean Marrige or anything high ranked I meant like a relationship but a serious one where others actually know that we are in a relationship, and not a
"lets f* and leave" sloppy one. if that makes sense.

[Jess42]

I'm sorry for being unclear. by commitment I didn't mean Marrige or anything high ranked I meant like a relationship but a serious one where others actually know that we are in a relationship, and not a
"lets f* and leave" sloppy one. if that makes sense.

In the beginning, thoughts of commitments shouldn't even be thought about in my opinion. And really sex doesn't have to be the only thing but rather just getting to know someone and see how well personalities fit, likes and dislikes, if you can have fun with that person and so on. Yeah it makes sense what you said, hit it and gone does cheapen a possible relationship and takes mystery out of getting to know a person. But you have control over that too. Most enduring relationships that I have seen people in have started slow.

[Blue Rabbit]

In the beginning, thoughts of commitments shouldn't even be thought about in my opinion. And really sex doesn't have to be the only thing but rather just getting to know someone and see how well personalities fit, likes and dislikes, if you can have fun with that person and so on. Yeah it makes sense what you said, hit it and gone does cheapen a possible relationship and takes mystery out of getting to know a person. But you have control over that too. Most enduring relationships that I have seen people in have started slow.

+1 I agree.

[Ms Grace]

Personally, I feel whole when I'm by myself, it's when I'm in a relationship that I start to lose that sense of being whole. I know for a lot of people it's the other way around, but for me being in a relationship has always made me feel less. Those have been relationships with hetro cis women, with me presenting as "hetro male" so that might have something to do with it, I don't know. Maybe it's why I avoid even starting a relationship let alone getting to stage of needing to commit to one. Possibly if I was in a lesbian relationship I would feel more myself, not lose my sense of self, not feel less than whole. Dunno.

[Jess42]

Personally, I feel whole when I'm by myself, it's when I'm in a relationship that I start to lose that sense of being whole. I know for a lot of people it's the other way around, but for me being in a relationship has always made me feel less. Those have been relationships with hetro cis women, with me presenting as "hetro male" so that might have something to do with it, I don't know. Maybe it's why I avoid even starting a relationship let alone getting to stage of needing to commit to one. Possibly if I was in a lesbian relationship I would feel more myself, not lose my sense of self, not feel less than whole. Dunno.

I think that is probably one of the main reason's Ms Grace. When you have to fake who you are you just can't be open. You have to hide those things about yourself that is such a big part of yourself and thus you can't share yourself with that other person on a really intimate level. Relationships are supposed to be intimate. To where both are vulnerable to one another and therefore form a trust with one another to not reveal those vulnerabilities to the rest of the world which adds a whole other level to the intimacy. Then you can feel whole in a relationship. Usually that takes a lot of time and a lot of failed relationships in which you have to stay guarded until you find the right person.

[Natkat]

Usually that takes a lot of time and a lot of failed relationships in which you have to stay guarded until you find the right person.

good i'm on my way
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ms grace
I can understand fellings less for these relationships. When I was younger it was more typical people had relationships who would give them credit. sure some of them was really in love but I also think many was just scared of being lonely and then they found toghether with someone so they could seams succesfull from there friends and famely's.
I never understood how people could do that for me it would just make me even more lonely feeling awfull  .
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[Natkat]

In the beginning, thoughts of commitments shouldn't even be thought about in my opinion. And really sex doesn't have to be the only thing but rather just getting to know someone and see how well personalities fit, likes and dislikes, if you can have fun with that person and so on. Yeah it makes sense what you said, hit it and gone does cheapen a possible relationship and takes mystery out of getting to know a person. But you have control over that too. Most enduring relationships that I have seen people in have started slow.

I usunally have trouble having sex with someone I have a chrush on so that dosen't happent very often.
if theres someone I like I general talk with them alot and take it slow, but I somehow can't get to a relationship point, if they like me I start to ignore them because it feel unconfortable, abit claustrophobic. somethimes when I have claimed down I somethimes contact them again, usunally they give up on me because of my rejejction, some of them also get quit moody. it a bit like going to africa and you kinda want to see a tiger closeby but you also kinda would be ->-bleeped-<-less scared if you actually saw one and run away.

I think it may be the expectations im really afraid of. I knew some guys who refused any kind of teams "togheter" "lovers" "boysfriend" because they said it would put them in a box of certain expectations.

for me I also feel annoyed of the expectations. both from general outside standard on what single or relationship means, but also from the people who are into me. im not very monogamyous thinking or romantic, and I feel somethimes they got some expectations on how they will like me to be.
so either it like ms grace. I would have to sorta fake it to live up to certain expectations on how it should be
if you are "together" or also I would just live as I do and people would think im ->-bleeped-<-ed up, and the person im
with give up because deep down they want a "real relationship" and mine isnt real.

its how I feel.

[Jess42]

I usunally have trouble having sex with someone I have a chrush on so that dosen't happent very often.
if theres someone I like I general talk with them alot and take it slow, but I somehow can't get to a relationship point, if they like me I start to ignore them because it feel unconfortable, abit claustrophobic. somethimes when I have claimed down I somethimes contact them again, usunally they give up on me because of my rejejction, some of them also get quit moody. it a bit like going to africa and you kinda want to see a tiger closeby but you also kinda would be ->-bleeped-<-less scared if you actually saw one and run away.

I think it may be the expectations im really afraid of. I knew some guys who refused any kind of teams "togheter" "lovers" "boysfriend" because they said it would put them in a box of certain expectations.

for me I also feel annoyed of the expectations. both from general outside standard on what single or relationship means, but also from the people who are into me. im not very monogamyous thinking or romantic, and I feel somethimes they got some expectations on how they will like me to be.
so either it like ms grace. I would have to sorta fake it to live up to certain expectations on how it should be
if you are "together" or also I would just live as I do and people would think im ->-bleeped-<-ed up, and the person im
with give up because deep down they want a "real relationship" and mine isnt real.its how I feel.

I see exaclty where you are coming from Natkat. Romance, dating, flirting and everything else in the beginning is kinda' like dancing on the blade of a knife.

Taking it slow is a good thing but don't drag your feet. If somone is attracted to you and are letting it be known you have to acknowledge them. If not they are going to feel rejected and then back away. No hon, you do not have to rush into sex. If anything sex with someone you have an emotional and physical attraction to and keep the feeling building up until it is the right time for both of you. But if you diilly dally while they are inviting you closer, eventually they will give up and think that you do not want that kind of relationship with them. And later when you call them back, hell they may be into someone else by that time.

As for expectations. Live for the moment, whatever happens happens. Just enjoy the whole song and dance at the time and forget about the possibilities or this person will see things this way or that. That will all be revealed in due time when two people get closer to one another.

As for expectations, are you worried about what you expect? what your lover expects? Like I said, don't have any expectations, live in the moment and enjoy the dance. If you are worried about what society expects and then projected on to your own expectations, well screw society. A relationship between two people is just that, between two people and no one else. Expectations of parents and family members, social groups, friends and so on, it really is none of thier business and nip it in the bud if they try to make it their business.

That last part is what seems to be holding you back. You've heard the old saying, "keep it simple stupid"? I ain't calling you stupid but that saying is extrememly true when it comes to relationships in the beginning. Find like minded people to date. Don't overthink things and we are not all fortune tellers and can't foresee the future so don't even try. You don't have to fake anything, if someone don't like you for who you are then back off. Plus don't limit yourself to what is a fairy tale in your own mind. There are no fairy tales. Snow White and Prince Charming never existed.

[Natkat]

Yeah it what always happent, But as Said it all Easyer Said than done. I dont Think im very scared of my own expections only others. Im scared of ->-bleeped-<-ing up and leave a mess behind.

We use analysig model keep it simple stupid in School so yes i have heard it before. General im also mostly attraktive to People Who live simpe lives, my biggest tur off is People who have a fancy job and only Can talk about how much money. Thye make.

I Will try on following the advice and se Where it Will Get me,

(P.s. Im writting on a iPad With auto correction in  Danish so sorry if my text look really messy.)

[Jess42]

Yeah it what always happent, But as Said it all Easyer Said than done. I dont Think im very scared of my own expections only others. Im scared of ->-bleeped-<-ing up and leave a mess behind.

We use analysig model keep it simple stupid in School so yes i have heard it before. General im also mostly attraktive to People Who live simpe lives, my biggest tur off is People who have a fancy job and only Can talk about how much money. Thye make.

I Will try on following the advice and se Where it Will Get me,

(P.s. Im writting on a iPad With auto correction in  Danish so sorry if my text look really messy.)

Don't worry what they expect from you. You owe no one anything and in a relationship expectations should be mutual and natural. If not you two aren't meant for one another. For example one person can't expect to be in an exclusive relationship while the other expects just having fun and seeing other people or vice versa. Leave the expectations out of the equation while just getting to know one another. Believe me Natkat, if two people are meant for one another you will know it, if not you will get a vibe from them. Or at least this has happened to me countless times. Just be yourself hon and if they are drawn to that then go from there.

Don't be afraid of rejection. It takes courage to ask someone out and even if they reject you, you still have the courage and use that same courage on the next person. I have been rejected many times and yeah it is disheartening but reach into yourself and find that courage and ask someone else. Not everyone is everybody's cup of tea and attraction is a funny thing. Just expect it, that is part of the dance. Someone may even reject you and then find themselves attracted to you later. Anything goes.