Panic at first?

[Sincerely Tegan]

I'm just curious- those of you who realized later in life (as opposed to in the beginning) that you were trans, how did you handle it? Was there panic at first?

-Tegan

[Christine167]

Huge. But I have anxiety issues. Like I'm eight months in and I got an unexpected call from a contract recruiter today with an offer. All of the sudden that becoming a possible reality again hit me like a ton of bricks. Traveling, juggling my health insurance until my new employers kicks in, missing my son like crazy, and oh yeah hey my first interviews with you guys I was Christopher the confident guy and not Chris the androgenious scruffy looking kid. After the call I freaked out, started sweating, couldn't complete a train of thought and my chest felt tight like I couldn't breath.

Needless to say I'm glad he hasn't called back to confirm terms of the offer. I was just settling in to the fact that I might actually be able to transition where I am working now and not be ostracized. And be able to see my son every single day. Those are huge for me. Whew... Still giving me the shivers just thinking about it.

To handle it I see a therapist and did my own research. With her help and my "I won't let this beat me" attitude I am now able to recognize when I am having an attack and seek help. And I have help now.

Tegan, it's good to hear from you again. I hope that things are good with you.

[TaoRaven]

yeah, a bit. Honestly, the first 48 hours felt kind of like someone close to me had died, or how I felt when I got divorced years ago. Traumatic.

But, at the same time...liberating, and a profound sense of relief to FINALLY know WTF was wrong with me....lol.

These days....I feel like I've been born again, and given a chance to finally live a fulfilling life. Just gotta make it through the next few years and this pesky transitioning process.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Tegan

Yessss, I definitely experienced a very real type of panic. 

I don't know how old you are - I realised consciously that I was trans when I was 25.   So my first thoughts were "Oh my God, I desperately need to fix this," combined with "This is totally freaking me out."   There was also a sense of being totally overwhelmed by the immensity of the realisation together with the huge amout of effort needed to fix things.  At the time I just saw an infinitely high wall in front of me, and no way of getting over it, and I put the girl in a glass box for another 20 years until 2014!

I'm a strong proponent of a good therapist to help you through the complex parts.  You actually already have all the answers, but you need to find them.  Take it at your own speed, but do seek some help if you're feeling the panic.   You may need a little or a lot of time with your therapist, but it's so absolutely essential.  I did a year of therapy when I was 25, and this year I did a few intensive weeks before taking the decision to transition.  Now I don't really need to see my therapist (yes - there is a cure!!  ), but we still see each other once a month - changing gender is a huge step and it really helps to have a little objective guidance.

It's difficult to advise directly on how to deal with the panic - some people stare their demons in the face; others try to hide from them.  Both are valid approaches, and you know your personality and how you deal with such things. 

If you want to talk about any of the panic issues in detail, feel free to send me a private message.

Hugs
Julia

[Ms Grace]

I don't remember being panicked - and this is back in the late 1980s when being trans* was an even bigger deal (from a social and medical point of view) than it is now. What I did experience was a sheer overwhelming determination to get it dealt with.

[Jill F]

I knew on some level that I was really supposed to be a girl at the age of 4 and ever since.

When the dysphoria took center stage at age 43 and first I had to admit to myself that I have serious gender issues that needed addresed immediately, hell yes I panicked.   I had to tell my wife.  I had no idea what she'd say.  I became reckless and drank ungodly amounts of booze and ended up hospitalized twice inside of 2 1/2 weeks.  I didn't want to have to be a transsexual.  That, to me, was always the unthinkable.  I always thought I'd be a f***ing hideous woman anyway and that everyone would hate me for it.  I tend to assume worst case scenarios as a form of expectations management.

I had a panic attack when I actually called the endo for the first time.  I REALLY didn't want to be trans, and I sure as hell didn't want to have to transition socially because I feared the unknown.  I wanted to take the estrogen, have it make me feel like sh*t, know for sure it wasn't for me and tell my therapist she was wrong.  I thought that I couldn't possibly be a transsexual because the odds against that are staggering, and please tell me I must be some kind of weirdo or pervert instead so we can work this out through therapy.

Well, I took the estrogen and OMG, I could tell within 2 hours that it was the greatest thing EVER.  I loved how it made me feel, and no more panic. I'm a confirmed girl now and I own it

[Jenny07]

I so agree with you Jill and relate to everything you said.

I knew from about 4 with my mums help and always have.
After she died I had been running from it ever since then until that day it became too much and I needed to talk to some one about it.

I wanted E to be the worst thing ever but my body loves it and it makes me feel so normal.

[Eva Marie]

Was there panic at first?

The day that I sat in my therapists office and accepted that I am transsexual was a really bad day for me, and I was definitely panicking. My mind was going in all kinds of directions - dread, fear, panic, worries about the future, and some disgust - and I seriously considered speeding up on the freeway and running into a random bridge abutment on the way home - i mean, why not? I pretty much knew at that point what the future held for me and I wasn't sure that I had the strength to face it.

I did eventually make it home safely, and I sat on the back porch and dived into an alcohol bottle. My wife wasn't home yet and I intended to get absolutely blitzed, because I was going to tell her what I found out that day and I was dreading her reaction. And her reaction when I told her was not good. That day was one of the lowest days of my life; the lowest was the day I watched my wife drive away for the last time as she was leaving me because I am TS - my expectations for the future came true that day.

[Kylie]

For me, there was no panic in acknowledging it, there was panic on what to do with it so late in life.  Giving up everything one has worked for and known is such a gamble.  I won the lottery as far as body containers go in US culture, I am an attractive white male.  How do you decide to give up such privilege to become something that is hated by many and discriminated against in the same culture?  I know I am an attractive, successful male, what if I become a horrendous unhireable woman?  Do I have time to do this still?  Do I have time to wait?  In all of my therapy sessions since I have acknowledged who I am, I have cried/mourned over the time I have lost, and that I wasn't stronger when I tried to come out years ago.  So I am in this panic right now feeling like it may be too late for me to transition, but also feeling like I cannot go on as a male.  I think.......do I want to look back in 10 years and mourn that I didn't do it, like I am doing right now about the previous 10+ years?  I feel so much pressure to figure it out right now.  I think that is a major consequence of accepting it later in life.

[Julia-Madrid]

So I am in this panic right now feeling like it may be too late for me to transition, but also feeling like I cannot go on as a male.  I think.......do I want to look back in 10 years and mourn that I didn't do it, like I am doing right now about the previous 10+ years?  I feel so much pressure to figure it out right now.  I think that is a major consequence of accepting it later in life.

Kylie, I totally understand what you're going through. 100%.  Again, the question is how "late in life" you are, and whether you think you could make the transition.  I can only tell you my experience, and maybe it will help you.  I'm 45. I was married to a woman for 12 of the last 14 years, divorced for the last two and with a boyfriend.

One month ago everything coalesced in four days:  I started HRT, a girlfriend took me to buy clothes, another friend took me to buy a wig, then some decent makeup, and I left his salon in full girl mode for the first time in my life into a Friday afternoon in Madrid, scared out of my mind.  Virtually paralysed.  And I passed, and still do, around at least 80% of the time. 

Maybe you need to do a dress rehersal.  If you are an attractive male, the odds are that you could be an attractive woman.  If you haven't tried such a thing, perhaps it might help you decide whether the saccrifices could be justified.  Many of us have to learn how to be girls, but if you look the part you'll also feel the part.

Hugs... work through it...!!!
Julia

[JulieBlair]

Hi Teg,
Nice to hear from you. I guess I have to ask which time?  When I was in my early twenties I first put the pieces of my discontent into the idea that I might really be a girl in the wrong body.  Prior to that I just felt wrong and weird.  I didn't have the vocabulary to really articulate what I felt, and so I thought, hell maybe I'm gay.  Most of the guys I knew that I liked a lot were, so maybe I was too.  Just didn't work out.  Gay men are first and always men.  They may be effeminate, but that is affectation rather than identity.  For me the feelings were very, very different.  Not gay, not straight - thank God for drugs and alcohol.  I slipped into a stupor that hung on for most of ten years.  How I finished school, I have no idea, but I ended up married, with a child, surprised, and sober at 36.  Sobering up helped, but didn't fix me.  It took another couple of decades for my own denial to crash, and the internet to give me the information that really confirmed who I was at the core.

Then I panicked! F**k, I could not stay as I was, I could not go forward.  The cost seemed so high as to be devastation incarnate.  I knew I would lose my love, I knew I would lose my family, I knew I would lose the prestige of my job - there was nothing left and I wanted to just shut down the noise and die.  Since I couldn't talk to anyone, I was just too scared, I studied and began a DIY transition.  Very dumb, very much like me.  Once I had given myself no other way out I was able to call for help and get on track.  Today I am not afraid, I am at peace and full of optimism and love.

Long winded response, but hopefully you're used to that from me by now.

Love you all,
Julie

[Kylie]

Kylie, I totally understand what you're going through. 100%.  Again, the question is how "late in life" you are, and whether you think you could make the transition.  I can only tell you my experience, and maybe it will help you.  I'm 45. I was married to a woman for 12 of the last 14 years, divorced for the last two and with a boyfriend.

One month ago everything coalesced in four days:  I started HRT, a girlfriend took me to buy clothes, another friend took me to buy a wig, then some decent makeup, and I left his salon in full girl mode for the first time in my life into a Friday afternoon in Madrid, scared out of my mind.  Virtually paralysed.  And I passed, and still do, around at least 80% of the time. 

Maybe you need to do a dress rehersal.  If you are an attractive male, the odds are that you could be an attractive woman.  If you haven't tried such a thing, perhaps it might help you decide whether the saccrifices could be justified.  Many of us have to learn how to be girls, but if you look the part you'll also feel the part.

Hugs... work through it...!!!
Julia

Thanks Julia!  I am 39.  I went all out one time when I was in my early twenties for Halloween, no one would work that day so I told my manager that if I was going to work a double, I was going to do it in drag.  Best day of my life!  No one knew I was a boy until I opened my mouth, I even had a guy come up to hit on me and a woman approach me for a tampon.  I was so proud and happy, I had never felt pretty before.  Two months later I told my best friend how I really felt about who I was and she stopped being friends with me.  I pushed my feelings back down for the next 15 years and here I am.  She had the audacity to invite me to her wedding this month.  Too bad I am not further along, I would tell her the only way I would ever consider going to her wedding would be as a bridesmaid!

Wow, four days?  That must have felt like a whirlwind!  A beautiful, life affirming whirlwind!

You are so right, I need to find some help with make up and maybe consult with an ffs surgeon to get a good idea of what I am working with now and what is possible.  My therapist tells me that I still have very soft features, but i feel like a monster in female terms.  I need something to change my mindset, to give me hope.

It is so awesome that you had female friends to help you out!  Unfortunately, because of what happened to me the first time I came out,  I don't think I will ever be able to trust any of my friends with that information until I am ready to come out completely.  Which is sad because I just had the loveliest lunch with two of my best female friends, and all I wanted to do was tell them.  I really need to get to a local trans meeting so I can get some help with visualizing my future

[EmmaD]

No panic at the time really.  Sitting as a man and acknowledging things didn't make a scrap of difference because it was very much internalised.  Once I decided I needed to bring it out, then periods of panic started.  I remember seeing my therapist and asking (out loud but of myself) if it could even be done.  Being a good therapist, she waited a few months for me to answer the question myself!  My approach to all this took place over about 5 years (I am 52) and I am still not in a rush by many standards. 

I am now at the tipping point (actually past it if you have eyes!!) physically and emotionally and will have to go full time in the next 6 months or so - not setting a counter since I saw what happened to Grace!  I have slowly removed all stoppers (mostly self-imposed) and as each has been dealt with, the panic moments have mostly gone.

My long-winded point is that the initial reaction may be due to the sheer size of the mountain you have to climb to make such a huge change.  In my case, the change at a personal level is huge but only looking back.  Each day has gifted me a small physical or mental change, stress relieved, little hurdle overcome. 

[Sincerely Tegan]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I've always found it helps to talk to others in order to gain some perspective. The sharing of your stories is much appreciated.

I wish I could add something to the topic, but I've already spilled out my story ad nauseum.

Sometimes the panic hits me in the chest like a poison dart.

Currently I'm out of the closet with my wife. Things have calmed down substantially with us (since the initial meltdown), and she is being as supportive as she can be. I have permission to explore my identity now, provided that I am sensitive to her feelings along the way. My wife says she just wants me to be happy, and that even if we couldn't be together, that she could never hate me. Even the feeling of permission is a weird feeling and brings with it a surge of panic.

A little advice, please?

I've over shared in the recent past, so if you know me you probably know I have a lot of past trauma to overcome. I've only seen my therapist once, and I didn't really get to ask her what her experience is with trans questions. However, I know that another therapist in the area is a gender specialist. Now I'm not sure if I should stick with my initial therapist or if I should seek a referral to the specialist. I've got a lot to resolve, and I don't want to rush to any conclusions about my gender before some of those cobwebs are cleared away. I'm not sure who'd be better for me right now, the therapist I've met with once and got a really good vibe from, or the gender specialist in our network.

Thanks,
Tegan

[Jill F]

Currently I'm out of the closet with my wife. Things have calmed down substantially with us (since the initial meltdown), and she is being as supportive as she can be. I have permission to explore my identity now, provided that I am sensitive to her feelings along the way. My wife says she just wants me to be happy, and that even if we couldn't be together, that she could never hate me. Even the feeling of permission is a weird feeling and brings with it a surge of panic.

A little advice, please?

I am one of the few lucky ones whose marriage survived.  I have heard that the odds of your marriage surviving this are something like 9 to 1 against, but I think it's actually much worse than that from what I have seen.  If I had known this, who knows what I would have done?

When I came out to my wife, I felt like I was probably as good as dead anyway and had little to lose.  I had just come out to myself that day, and felt like I would be betraying her by keeping my gender issues to myself for a minute longer.  I was never going to dress behind her back and try to hide it.  That's just not who I am.  I needed to throw the Hail Mary pass to see if I could save myself, and I needed her on board. 

At first, she took it like a punch to the gut and couldn't stop crying.   Me wearing women's clothes privately was OK, but me potentially transitioning was devastating to her.  She knew something had been wrong with me for a long time, and she admitted she thought she would come home one night soon and find me dead. 

It took her time to process everything, but she came to these conclusions:
1) She couldn't handle me being dead and would probably follow suit if I was.
2) She wanted me to be happy, as I was always pretty miserable and I was getting markedly worse with age.
3) What other people thought about it was irrelevant.
4) She fell in love with a person, not a gender.

Your wife has been just been forced to transition in her own way and didn't get a say in that matter.  I believe that her going to therapy with me one day helped explain it all to her.  My therapist told her things she didn't want to hear that upset her very much, but she was able to sort it all out after blasting my therapist initially.

Hugs to you both,
Jill

[Shodan]

For me, there was no panic in acknowledging it, there was panic on what to do with it so late in life.

This right here. There was a more of a sense of relief when I finally came out to myself as trans, when I finally admitted to myself that it was okay to want to be female and still want to have a relationship with my wife (whom I love dearly). On the other hand, I started panicking because I was sure that this was going to be the end of my marriage, the end of my job, the end of everything. Fortunately for me, nothing was ever as bad as it ended up as I imagined it being. The only person whom I've come out to who's struggling with the transition is my father. Not because he doesn't care or support me, but because he's the kind of person who likes his life in nice little neat compartments, and I'd blown that all to hell.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Jill
Thank you- we're dealing with it a day at a time. If I go full Tegan, she doesn't think she could stay with me, but she's currently allowing me space and time to "try Tegan on," so to speak. We still have a chance if the changes aren't too drastic. A day at a time. Always a day at a time, moment to moment.

The advice I'm really looking for is regarding the therapist vs. the specialist. I don't want to rush into anything, but I also don't want to waste time, as I'm not the only one invested in clarity and answers.

Thanks,
Tegan

[Jill F]

Go with the specialist.  My therapist is basically the trans whisperer. LOL.

One thing that my wife noticed immediately after I went on the girl juice was the change in my mood.  I went from chronically depressed and semi-suicidal to happy almost all the time.  We had no idea that I was a fundamentally sunny personality and she does not want the "old me" back for any reason.  It took some getting used to, but we're tighter than ever now.

A thing to consider- dysphoria gets more intense with age and never goes away.  I was born with a mostly female brain and it cannot be changed into a male brain.  Sometimes I wish I could have spared myself decades of self-medicating with booze and drugs.

Some of us can control the dysphoria with a low dose of E and never transition.  That was my original plan, but that wasn't enough for me in the end

[JulieBlair]

Teg,
I have tried both, and the past year with a gender specialist (Amazingly she is trans - didn't know that when I signed up) changed my world. 

Peace Always,

Julie

[Sincerely Tegan]

Thanks, Julie. Thanks, Jill.

I think I've decided to give my current therapist one more session, whereupon I will ask for a referral to see the specialist at the next possible opportunity. I think that covers both bases for me pretty well, and alleviates a lot of my worry about going too fast. Now if only I could get these appointments more frequently. 

Thanks,
Tegan