Hello everyone.
I'll give a brief bio here before I go on to post elsewhere some concerns and questions I have. I apologize if this is too graphic for a brand new intro but I feel it is relevant given the situation. I was assigned male at birth but at a very early age (as early as 3 years old) I remember thinking that I was a girl not a boy. Something weird happened at around age 4 or 5 when I was on the playground at a daycare I felt an odd pressure/sensory point in my genital area underneath my penis and testicles. It was weird enough to me at that age that I never forgot it even to this day. As I grew older I was socialized to act and think of myself as a male but I never felt right inside and had a variety of social problems all throughout grade school which I suspect had to do with my gender condition as well as other unrelated things. I do know that growing up I never felt comfortable in male-only spaces such as public restrooms, gym locker rooms, and boys-only cabins. There was an incident at age 12 in which I had stabbing horrific pains in the genital area that could not be explained. The doctor did an ultrasound but could not find anything. He suspected a twisted testicle but there was no evidence of such. Antibiotics were prescribed but they did not seem to help. The issue more or less just went away on its own. They never figured out the cause and could not even determine that it even was an infection that caused it.
Upon entering puberty relative to the boys at school I had no sex drive whatsoever. I was conditioned to like girls as date material but I never really did. In Freshman year of high school, I noticed clear attractions to men and concluded that I was homosexual (as I was assigned male and attracted to men). Yet despite these attractions I still did not have much of a sex drive. I learned due to being around other males that my genitals weren't really working the way theirs were. I know how men masturbate yet it would never work when I tried it the way they did (simulating penetrative sex). I would have to press down hard on the genitals and spread my legs rapidly until I felt contractions coming from this pressure/sensory point underneath the genitals. I also would have multiple orgasms something that men typically don't have.
By college I still did not have any real sex drive, just an organ that didn't really work the way it was supposed to. I also never fully developed the way other males did in my family. While I could grow out facial hair, I could never grow it to become a fashionable male beard because there never was enough hair to do it and I even had bald spots on my face. I never grew chest hair unlike the rest of the males in the family and my shoulders and other characteristics never masculine-ized the way other males typically did. Even my voice tended to be more feminine than many males. Yet I still never felt quite right and just did not have much of a sex drive.
Despite that, I decided to enter the gay male community after college and with the help of drugs and alcohol I started to explore sexuality. Right away I realized that I was not like typical gay men. There was just something different about them that didn't apply to me. When I had sexual relations I never wanted my genitals touched or be used in the act whatsoever and preferred anal intercourse. I knew there was something off with my gender but didn't really want to face it yet I knew I had to. I tried cross-dressing but realized I didn't identify with the drag queens on stage nor the men who crossdressed but who were clearly men and not afraid to admit it. Eventually the reality hit that I couldn't hide anymore the fact that I really was a female and all the feelings and experiences and patterns growing up consistently confirmed this despite all the years of ignoring the signs.
Prior to transitioning, my appearance started changing anyway. Most of this was intentional such as growing my hair out and other feminine traits. Yet I started having the "problem" of breast growth that I couldn't explain. Yet it did not look like gynecomastia that males sometimes have. Instead my areolas began to look more like female ones than male ones and started poking out yet were not supported by any real breast tissue around them. So it was as if a I had female breasts but just "extremely small ones". Yet the areolas clearly looked female despite having no actual "breasts." This was prior to taking any hormones.
Anyway, I transitioned. I live as a woman in my dress, speech, and mannerisms all of which flow naturally without effort as they are innate and not learned behavior (my male traits were learned behavior and I never really fooled anyone anyway as I never could really act as a man even when I tried). I legally changed my name on all legal documents including birth certificate and changed my sex marker on all documents except birth certificate. I am on a pre-op dosage of hormones and have not had any surgeries. That's where I am at.
I apologize for being lengthily and graphic.
