Hi again,
So I'm glad the confusion of my partners past, current, & future gender was kinda cleared up. :-) So the background is that we've been together for 3.5 years. We meet at lesbians of course. He was such a cutie! But a mess emotionally. Drank like a fish & didn't have very much self confidence. He came out to me as trans during last March (just as the L word ended). I was taken back but have always been trans friendly. I just had to sort out if I was okay with it as a Lesbian woman. Really though it turns out...i'm not freaked by it. I can face the world as a "typical" married woman. And I have no issues with it sexually. We had already made the date to get married when he came out as Trans. Our relationship got closer after he did. He seemed more stable emotionally as well. We postponed the wedding then put it back on.
Thus far he has not started T. He was supposed to a week ago but the friggin doctor sent the nurse in to tell us there was a mix up and he wasn't taking new trans patients. It friggin sucked. After 3 months of waiting...as bad as I felt and as mad as I was I can only imagine his emoions! We've also talked about top surgery. The plan was to try for Feb. of next year...not sure if he's contacted any doctors yet though...I kinda stand back on that b/c I feel it's his transition so he should pick his doctors and make the appointments. I go of course to the appointments to support him. At this point I'm excited for the transition to really start. To see how the T really changes his already sexy voice or what he does look like with a little hair on the face. I also kept wondering about the sex drive...that could be fun!!! J I'm not turned off by his not having breasts. He never wanted me to touch them really anyways so if after top surgery he was comfy with my touching I'd feel like I'd gained something...not lost! He has changed his name and I use only male pronouns even around his family whom he's out to. He of course packs and binds. I haven't touched breasts or other body parts in so long...i really thought it would bother me especially the down stairs loose...but really I've enjoyed our sex life just as much as ever! In fact I'd always wanted more of what I get so that's ALL good. LOL :-)
The most recent updates in our relationship drama is:
He's being slightly less secretive. The phone usage as dropped. And most important he keeps telling me that he has no clue where his head is...what's going on in his head...that he's confused. That he's sorry he's hurt me and wishes he could change how he's acted. Yet he is still needing a lot of space and even said he wanted to go away for a few days by himself. I'm tired of being left behind so I told him if he just needed time by himself then I'd leave. I can't stand much more time in our home with our dogs with him off I don't know where. And, he says he will explain everything to me but he doesn't know when and how. So, in a way positive...but still not great. I'm still really really scared. I love this man. He's NOT perfect. Neither am I! I just need him to talk to me. He's gotta let me know what's been going on. I've told him that I respect he needs time/space but that I'm worried I'm just not strong enough to keep at this much longer.
I'm still so confused about everything and until he starts to explain I'm lost. I'm still so scared he's going to tell me that he can't be with me. That our relationship of 3.5 years is over. My friend who's a therapist says it really is not that unusual for someone to kinda freak out after being married b/c of the serious change it is perceived to have on you...especially when added to the changes he is going through with the transition. She also said that it could be especially amplified if there is some flirting/attraction to someone and now all of a sudden he's married...that it could just scare him that much more. If that's what's going on...I hope he gets over it.
My feeling is that the actual marriage is the easy part to end...that the rings can come off...the papers torn up so to speak. It's the emotions...our relationship of 3.5 years and our home we've built together that is the hard part. Even if we'd not said "I do" I'd still be feeling this way...I'd still be really sad, hurt, and confused.
Thanks ladies for the support. I truly appreciate it!
