Quote from: mavieenrose on July 22, 2007, 01:15:50 PM
Hi Gothique,
You're looking great and your posts show you're clearly well on the road to leading a 'normal' life. As far as I'm concerned that's the whole aim of the game...
I actually think it's ok to care about how you look, but the important thing is to know why you're doing it.
Personally speaking, I certainly try to make sure my eyebrows are sculpted, my lipstick's fresh, my skin's moisturised, my hair looks half decent, etc, etc... and I certainly still have the odd 'bad hair day', days when I feel far from desirable, or where I'm convinced I've put on 10 kilos and that I've no figure left, but the important thing to realise is that when we feel like this we're just facing the same issues and worries as the average woman out there.
As far as I'm concerned, it's ok to care about how you look, but the important thing is to do be doing this for the same reasons as any woman, and not for specifically 'trans' reasons (like: "Oh no, my nose does not slope up the the 'ideal' x degrees from my top lip", or "Why is my hairline 3mm higher than the female average?", etc, etc...)
MVER XXX
Oh, for sure. As a woman I want to look pretty. Every woman is like that. And I agree with: "it's ok to care about how you look, but the important thing is to do be doing this for the same reasons as any woman, and not for specifically 'trans' reasons (like: "Oh no, my nose does not slope up the the 'ideal' x degrees from my top lip", or "Why is my hairline 3mm higher than the female average?", etc, etc...)"
And, then there are people who want to have FFS to feel more comfortable. Some people might need it, while others might want it.
As for surgery. I plan on getting it and I should be having it done next year. For me, the surgery means having the my body match who I am. It doesn't solve all of the issues in my life, and it doesn't make life easier. I've talked to too many trans people who believe that once they have surgery, all of there problems would be solved. Having a vagina doesn't make the world any easier.
It's a personal choice if someone goes the surgery route. Some won't, and some will. There's no one-path-fits-all for trans people (or anything for that matter).
So, really, what I've been getting at is that passing doesn't make the world easier, nor does surgery, nor does anything else. Surgery cannot substitute self-esteem and confidence. Of course, they can work together. I feel more confident when dress nicely for a job interview, but the dress doesn't substitute who I am inside and my inner strength. In the end, it's you who wins the job, not the dress.
As for the ideal woman: it's a myth. There is no ideal woman -- be who you are and proud. I know plenty of women who don't fit the "ideal" but are quite amazing. The real ideal woman is who you are inside, not who you are on the outside.
That doesn't mean look homely, or not wear make up, or whatever. Make up is fun. I wear eyeliner. I dye my hair. I dress in my own style. It's great. But it doesn't substitute for who I am inside. That's all I'm saying.
I really don't like using the word "more advanced" --- that's nonsense. I'm my own person, just sharing her own feelings. Thinking of myself as holier-than-thou is a waste of time. I realize people are in different situations and dealing with different issues. I can't relate to everyone, and not everyone is going to relate to me. That's just how it is.
I'm no where near perfect, and I have a lot of my own issues to work out and other things going on. My relationship with my girlfriend, for example (we're trying to make it work, btw). The fact that work only paid me for 1/3 of my cheque and still haven't given me the rest. The fact that the water is out and I want to do laundry before I go to work, but can't. Lots of issues. We all have this and that issues.
I'm not better than the next girl or worse, we all just have different things we're working on.
Posted on: July 23, 2007, 12:27:47 PM
Quote from: SusanK on July 22, 2007, 06:38:21 PM
Ok, thanks for your post, it's appreciated. I would like to play devils advocate a little, and ask you if you feel so bad about passing so well, what's the alternative (not passing - being born female is the better choice but not a reality) and would you want it instead?
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing or anything remotely bad. It's just there are so many ts' - like me - who would love to be in your situation and pass so easily and rarely, if ever, get identified as ts. The alternative is far worse when you go out and everyone will judge you and think about you, and all you can do is try your best, but you know it won't be enough. Ever think about living like that every day? Thank your stars you are who you are, it could be worse or things can easily change.
Just my thoughts and I wish you well in your life.
--Susan--
Okay, I probably didn't make it clear -- and woe is probably a bad word choice. I make mistakes.
It's not that I don't dislike "passing" or wish I didn't. I'm very well aware how lucky I am, especially when other TS remind me of that constantly. And yeah, I'm very lucky that I don't live like many other TS people do. I've experienced it when I started, so I know what it's like and the hell it is.
It's not that I'm looking for an alternative to passing, or wanting to pass less. That sounds pretty silly, actually. And yes, I know it could be worse, etc, etc, etc.
I can't change who I am. And it would be silly to go back, etc. I love being who I am.
However, the other side of the fence isn't all roses either -- and that's when I get annoyed, because people think it's much greener over here.
Here's one: I'm seen as a woman all the time -- I can't remember when I got sir'd last. I'm pre-op. I still have boy parts. Someone tries to rape me -- finds the parts -- kills me. Sounds great, doesn't it? And yes, this happened to me... er, except for the killing part. I'm not the living dead (or so I say
).
And, believe it or not -- just because I pass well, I'm actually quite open about my transition and my past. I don't wear a T-shirt or anything, but people know. I have a lot of friends who knew me before. People tell other people, and more people know. People at work know (from gossip). I also have a youtube blog.
I have helped and continued to help a lot of trans people who have started out. I know where they are coming from, and I'm very helpful. I've been burned countless of times and I've had my back stabbed even more so through it, but I still do it. If I felt better-than-they I wouldn't bother, and I wouldn't bother being an advocate for trans rights, either.
With all the people knowing, however, there is always the chance that the wrong person could know and hurt me. You see, when you pass well and the wrong person knows, they think that you are purposely going out to "trick" other people. I have one friend that had a group of men after her once. It's a scary reality.
I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I also have a lot of junk to deal with. I've been in very bad situations before, and good. We all go through that. So, I pass well -- that doesn't make me better off than anyone else, trans or not. But just because I pass well, it doesn't mean that I have a whole new table of issues to deal with either.
The point of my whole post isn't to down-grade or make my self sound "oh-so-much-better, I'm a princess and there's a pea under my mattress." Not at all. And if someone reads it that way, then that's how they are reading it. I'm far from being a princess.
And believe it or not, I still have days where I don't believe I pass, or I think the passing thing is too good to be true. I still beat myself up over it. So, just because I pass to the world, haven't beens sir'd since last year, it doesn't mean I still don't doubt myself from time to time. I've lived a life of self-destruct, and it's not easy to break the habit. I have scars all over my arms from cutting -- I get to live with people looking at those all day. I might be seen as a woman, but that doesn't mean that people worship me -- as a woman I'm subjectified a lot.
A woman was stabbed and killed in the parking lot of my work a week ago. I work until midnight and I walk home every day alone. Do you really want to know what goes through my head then? How it feels to be in a world where I'm more likely to be killed and raped? Is it that much better to pass?
Yeah, there are roses on the way... on the bench where another woman was the victim of violence. I've been seeing that every day. Roses always have their thorns.
