I have other TS friends who get jealous of me; I get hit on, I don't get clocked, I am treated like a woman and no one questions my femininity (even those who know my past).
Although, I feel pretty lucky that I seem to pass so well, there are a whole other bunch of issues and expectations that are thrown on me, too. It gets hard sometimes because others don't see it. When you pass well, the expectations are very high. Getting hit on is nice in one way for the flattery, but on the other hand it is annoying.
I'm in a failing relationship with my girlfriend. I cheated on her, and what's worse is that it was way to easy. The guy had no clue about me, although we've known each other for a month. No idea. One he found out, it didn't change much. Maybe in a way if disbelief, I don't know. I hate that it was easy for me to attempt to fill in the void of my breaking heart with a brief moment of distraction. It wasn't the right thing to do, of course. It didn't get me anywhere. Although, I think it was the thing that finally pushed my gf and I to decide to work on our issues rather than to continue to drift apart. We're trying to work on things; we both love each other very deeply, but our relationship has been dead for months now. We both knew it would be a matter of time before one of us would do something like this.
I get sick of the jealousy. My life isn't any easier because I pass. It has its own set of problems. When the world sees you as a woman, you're expected live up to that. I've lived 27 years of my life in the wrong gender. Although I do reasonably well, the pressure isn't easy. I didn't have my teen-age girl years to learn, experiment, mess up, and explore myself as a woman.
I'm a woman, no doubt about it, but I'm in my own teen-age years trying to find my place in a woman's world. Who am I as a woman? At 28 going on 29, there's a sense that I should know a bit more at this age. But I don't have the advantage of living in the correct gender for long. It hasn't even been a full year yet. It's a stressful crash course.
Not only does jelousy come from other TS friends, but I've started to have girls get jelous of me. My own girlfriend, for example, has started to get jelous of my looks, my breast size, how much affection is thrown my way and other things like that.
What's worse is that I still have boy parts down there. It feels so discording. Every day gets harder and harder, I'm accepted more and more and I still have these damn boy parts dangling there to remind me that I'm not whole yet. That not-whole feeling tears me apart, even more so as the world around me sees me for the woman I am.
As for people just starting on the process, or having a difficult time passing. I feel for them. I know it's difficult. It's very hard and I understand that. I don't want to make it sound like I'm a princess whining.
Sure, there are a lot of great things about passing. A lot of wonderful things and respect that comes. It's a great feeling to be accepted as a woman with out doubt. It has it's advantages, but it also comes with it's own set of problems.
The discord between body parts and who you are becomes even greater. The expectations to know everything a woman my age should know becomes greater. And dealing with situations that you are not used and you're not sure how to handle it.
I used to walk down the streets with no problems at night, and now it is much scarier. I'm bothered a lot more. I'm not respected in the same way like I used to, all of a sudden my opinions don't matter. I'm treated like I don't know much -- people are surprised that I know stuff about computers, but then still don't listen and think that I must not know what I'm talking about. I'm targeted a lot more. Hell, last year I had a man who tried to attempted to rape me. It's not easy being a woman, it's very difficult. This is the reality of womanhood.
And although I sound like that I'm bitching and complaining, I wouldn't trade being a woman. This is who I am. But the contrast and discord between a man and a woman's world is a lot more than I ever would have noticed. My gf didn't even realize it, she said plainly that she was used to her world and dealing with it. For me I think I'm still trying to find my way in a woman's world. And, because I pass I'm expected to know it all when I don't.
I doubt I could of learned this before hand. I couldn't prepare to be a woman before going out there and being who I am.
I feel very honored to be a woman. And now I've started to connect with other women in a different way, in a way where we can share that common connection of what it means to be a woman. It's more than looking the part, it's more than body parts, it's more than acting -- it's something I can't even explain.
Somehow along the way I went from being seen as a male turning into a female, into being a female. Friends who have known me for years have started to connect with me in different ways, and they see me as much as a woman as they are.
Just one recent experience. I had a TS friend who started living full time several months ago. I had a drunk friend who came up to her and asked if she was a guy. It has disheartening for my TS friend and I talked to her and told her not to let those things bother her. I then talked to my drunk friend, who said that I was a woman without question, but my TS wasn't one yet.
It stopped me in my tracks. Somewhere along the line I entered womanhood. I then realized that passing isn't just looks, the way you act, how your hair is done, and how confident you are -- it's much more and on a deeper level of connection with other woman that I can't begin to explain. (My TS friend, btw, looks very good, and honestly, much looks better than me.)
But now, I realized that it's different; I'm on a different track than I was before. It's not easy. I'm glad that I'm here, but it's not easy. There are times that I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. Now it's all different.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get this out. I don't see too many people talk about this. Many passing issues are about looks, voice, hair, and so many similar things. Don't get me wrong, those are important things. But after all of that -- how do you deal with what is next?
--natalie
