I'm an FtM and my parents are from a third-world, collectivistic country which has very strict gender roles. My father had to assume the role as the head of the household after my grandfather was jailed and my grandmother had to work at a sweatshop to feed them all. Fast forward a decade or two later, my paternal aunts and uncles are adults who can take care of themselves, and my father basically acts like a frat boy to make up for all of the debauchery he didn't get to indulge in as a youth. He was a heavy drinker, and in his drunken rages, he verbally berated mother and beat her. He would be so drunk sometimes that he'd go after me too, but mother did her best to protect me during one of his fits. I grew up being told by her that men are evil and cruel, that she's glad I'm a girl so that she has some sort of female solidarity going in the household. As a child, I never got close to a decent man, and I realized recently that this is why I'm so hesitant to start HRT (when I turn of age, anyways). Frankly, there's no easier target on the playground than a non-gender conforming immigrant who can't even speak enough English to ask for help. My bullies were of both genders, but it was the females who showed any sympathy, which only reinforced my belief that men are savages, but as one would expect, I felt a deep sense of guilt. I've always felt that I was lying to my mother, that I betrayed her trust (even though she's quite emotionally abusive towards me), that I lied when I enrolled in that science for girls class, that I'm a hypocrite for hating men when I identify as one. I did go through a "cis-stage" in which I overcompensated.
I'm conflicted about my gender. I like playing at being a girl, but at the same time, I'm not one. I determined it's Freud's reaction formation defense mechanism, and an incredibly unhealthy one at that. Or least, I think so. I do want to gain the musculature, the angular features, the height, the powerful voice, but I don't know how to overcome my guilt of one day being a man. I might be effeminate, I might make sarcastic quips at myself for it, but I know that I won't be cute forever. I admire boy bands because they're still men, yet, but their softer facial features and manufactured femininity makes them the farthest thing from the social concept of a "man." The thought of being a man scares me because I'm afraid that I'll join the ranks of the brutes. While I've matured enough to know that men aren't all barbarians, I would like advice as how to overcome my guilt.
I want to start testosterone, I do, because transitioning is not just physical process. It's essentially puberty, and with it comes a maturation that is crucial to one's development as an individual. As much as I like to call myself out on my femininity, I'll have to come into terms with my masculinity, I just don't know how. This conundrum is the reason why I'm reluctant to start testosterone, because how can you come into terms with your masculinity or femininity if you've got nothing to reinforce it? It's a rather vicious cycle. I know it sounds like I'm being hypocritical. "Why would you ever leave the confines of one box, only to try to contort yourself into another?" you ask. It's just that...I don't pass. I'm currently walking the fine lines of androgyny. To most people, I could be either. It's not until I answer their question that I "pass." I don't, in any way shape for form, act masculine. And I want to, but I'm afraid to.
Currently, I am a junior in high school. My parents don't approve of transitioning. Father's misogynist and mother, well, she's rather mysoginistic too, now that I think about it. Rather, father's a male chauvinist and mother's a mysoginist. In the culture they were raised in, men are superior to women, so in their eyes, I'm a freak of nature, for no woman can usurp a man. Enough angsting. I live in Colorado and father did something right for once in that he got us coverage from the only company that funds transition related services in the state: Kaiser. Not that I'm expecting you to know the ins and outs of said company, but, I would just like to know if it's possible to somehow be put on hormone blockers? I'm fairly sure I'm in tanner stage 4.2, which is well into puberty. I'm an unfortunately early bloomer, I started puberty around age 9, but lucky in that my pubertal "progress" as been rather slow. I just want to halt any further "progress" so that changes via testosterone will be more easily facilitated. Where do I start with this? Especially as a minor? I don't get sick enough to have a primary care physician, so I'm not even sure how this would come up medically. While there are psychiatrists nearby who specialize in transgender services, I'm not sure how I'd schedule an appointment without my parents knowing. And eventually, they will, because they have to foot the bill. Just. Is there something that I can do--at all--as a minor to get my transition started? I've started an anti-estrogen diet which should lower the levels, but I don't feel like that it's all that effective unless as a supplement to HRT.
My last inquiry would be that I have a disposable income, it's not a lot, but I've saved up enough to buy binders and male clothing through a very supportive teacher. It's rather inconvenient to do so, because the products ship to her house, which she brings to school and gives to me. There's the added fact that I'd like to buy underpants and it's pretty embarrassing to ask that of your teacher. Next week, father intends on opening up a teen checking account for me and a debit card, and I was wondering just how much detail does he get to monitor on my account? Will it be enough for him to see the transaction on lesloveboat? Or "boys dress shirt" from amazon?
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read about my angst and conundrums (even if you just skimmed it) and reply. I really do appreciate it.
