IT WAS RELUCTANTLY DECIDED ON THE DAY OF MY BIRTH TO RAISE ME AS MALE

[Miranda Catherine]

I'd been told by my mom about a year ago for the first time that the doctor who delivered me thought that I was intersexed but that I wasn't and so there was no need to decide to raise me as male or female. I have been told other things during the last 2+ years that there were lots of 'clues' as to what was really going on besides the fact that I was into her makeup and jewelry every chance I had and would tell my brother and dad that I was a girl. There is so much to tell, but it doesn't matter. I found out yesterday from my godmother that my mom and dad had to decide with the doctor on the day I was born if I was to live as a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, my mom reluctantly went along with my dad, knowing in her heart that I was a girl, should have been raised as one and that a huge mistake was very possibly made. She had a stroke in December 2012, and though she had 15 months after my transition to tell me before the stroke, I have nothing but love for her. I'm just blown away by the revelation at this time how close I was at birth to living as I should have. I had a chromosome test done that had been ordered by my endocrinologist that turned out negative not long before my mom's stroke, and I haven't even looked to find out about other tests and if there's another kind of intersexed etc. I'm not angry at anyone, it was done in my best interest, they thought, and until I sat my mom down at twelve to tell her that I'd rather be dead than have to live as a boy, the whole thing might have been forgotten. But it wasn't and even though I don't need even one more speck of evidence that I'm doing the right thing, I'm really mixed up about why she had to physically abuse me for five years and mentally abuse me for over thirty five more after that. Mira

[Jessica Merriman]

I feel for you Mira!  I don't know what else to say except you are doing the right thing.

[Satinjoy]

That had to hurt, it is sad that in our society male is often valued over female and bad choices made as a result.

We are all here for you dear.  And admitting guilt for the parents can be very hard, because it involves taking responsibility and most parents do not want to deliberately cause pain to their children.  The easier path is denial and throwing a screen up around it.

[Miranda Catherine]

I feel for you Mira!  I don't know what else to say except you are doing the right thing.

Thank you, Jessica, I was really shocked and hurt for a little while, but what can I do, carry a grudge against good parents (my father passed away in 1989, but knew I was transsexual at 16. He'd be there for me now, and if I'd done it while he was alive I know he'd have been behind me) who simply had no clue what the right path was? If I were born ten years ago instead of 59, I have no doubt that they would be raising me as their daughter, because they'd be armed with knowledge and love.

It is very sad to hear... well, words cant really help or remedy, but in the end what matters is if You lived Your life as a good human being (male or female) (not by measure of the society, but... deep inside each one should know the true answer) and essentially was true to herself or himself.
And I think You had accomplished both - most importantly being true to Yourself despite what others had denied to You!

Hi Emily, I went to my cousin's bridal shower on Sunday, and nobody knew about me other than my aunt, my cousins and my Godmother, who told me a few hours later at the party about my parents'  decision there . It was pretty ironic in that here I was, nearly sixty years later, the girl I was meant to be from the womb, now passing easily, without worry! When I think about yesterday's revelation, the life I have today and the hope I have for my future, and then compare that with three short years ago, it's kind of like I didn't live until I transitioned. Like I never existed, even though I know I did. I can't remember a time where I didn't get up in the morning as a woman, put on my makeup, then the rest of my clothes and lived another day as Mira. God forbid, but if I died tomorrow, I'd look at it as successful and happy, because that's how I passed. It no matter matters how long, it's that I'm happy now.

That had to hurt, it is sad that in our society male is often valued over female and bad choices made as a result.

We are all here for you dear.  And admitting guilt for the parents can be very hard, because it involves taking responsibility and most parents do not want to deliberately cause pain to their children.  The easier path is denial and throwing a screen up around it.

I know that my mom desperately wanted a daughter, but seeing me with more of a clitoris than a penis at birth was undoubtedly very upsetting for both my parents. I know that if my mom had it to do all over again by the time I was four she would have raised me as a girl, but I'm sure they never thought about raising me as a girl once that decision had already been made. I look at it now as they did the best they could under such heartbreaking circumstances. And I'm not saying that I'm any more transsexed than any of the other women here, (because I'm not) it's just that my parents had to make a decision on the day I was born and unfortunately for all involved, especially me, it was a tragically wrong, though well meaning one. I have had quite a number of revelations since transitioning, some of them good and others painful, but learning about this most heavy and painful secret my parents carried for so long and all the other things I've found out about too, have given me a love and understanding for my parents, especially my mom, I once wrote off as impossible. I thank God for learning all I have about myself and my family. I have healed so much that this part of my transition is one of the very best aspects of it, and I'm sooo grateful to Susan's Place for being able to talk to people about it and virtually any and everything else I feel the need to. Thank you and God bless you all, Hugs, Mira

[justpat]

   You are not alone I just hope the others were able fulfill their dreams as you have been.While digging into my own past for a reason, I did come across first hand knowledge that what happened to you happened to others also, it does not make it right it just makes it history. I am a DES son born 1950 what happened to us is in a way similar, people thought they were doing the right thing and it went wrong, it is also history. Sometimes I wish life had an instant replay a do over , but it don't, we are what we are and I for one am just glad I was born and able to see this wonderful world.   Hugs    Patty

[luna nyan]

And I'm not saying that I'm any more transsexed than any of the other women here, (because I'm not) it's just that my parents had to make a decision on the day I was born and unfortunately for all involved, especially me, it was a tragically wrong, though well meaning one. I have had quite a number of revelations since transitioning, some of them good and others painful, but learning about this most heavy and painful secret my parents carried for so long and all the other things I've found out about too, have given me a love and understanding for my parents, especially my mom, I once wrote off as impossible. I thank God for learning all I have about myself and my family. I have healed so much that this part of my transition is one of the very best aspects of it, and I'm sooo grateful to Susan's Place for being able to talk to people about it and virtually any and everything else I feel the need to. Thank you and God bless you all, Hugs, Mira

I am so glad you made peace with yourself and forgave your parents for their decision - it is uplifting to see.  Parents generally love their kids, and try and make the best decision they can for them at the time.  There's no one who feels more guilty than a parent who finds out a decision made for their child proves to be wrong in hindsight.

[HughE]

I'd been told by my mom about a year ago for the first time that the doctor who delivered me thought that I was intersexed but that I wasn't and so there was no need to decide to raise me as male or female. I have been told other things during the last 2+ years that there were lots of 'clues' as to what was really going on besides the fact that I was into her makeup and jewelry every chance I had and would tell my brother and dad that I was a girl. There is so much to tell, but it doesn't matter. I found out yesterday from my godmother that my mom and dad had to decide with the doctor on the day I was born if I was to live as a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, my mom reluctantly went along with my dad, knowing in her heart that I was a girl, should have been raised as one and that a huge mistake was very possibly made. She had a stroke in December 2012, and though she had 15 months after my transition to tell me before the stroke, I have nothing but love for her. I'm just blown away by the revelation at this time how close I was at birth to living as I should have. I had a chromosome test done that had been ordered by my endocrinologist that turned out negative not long before my mom's stroke, and I haven't even looked to find out about other tests and if there's another kind of intersexed etc. I'm not angry at anyone, it was done in my best interest, they thought, and until I sat my mom down at twelve to tell her that I'd rather be dead than have to live as a boy, the whole thing might have been forgotten. But it wasn't and even though I don't need even one more speck of evidence that I'm doing the right thing, I'm really mixed up about why she had to physically abuse me for five years and mentally abuse me for over thirty five more after that. Mira

If I read your later post right, you're aged 59, in which case there's a very good chance it's the result of being exposed to DES. I wouldn't be angry with your mother, she might have acted the way she did out of feelings of guilt.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,84224.0.html

[Miranda Catherine]

If I read your later post right, you're aged 59, in which case there's a very good chance it's the result of being exposed to DES. I wouldn't be angry with your mother, she might have acted the way she did out of feelings of guilt.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,84224.0.html

As a matter of fact my mom did take DES. My parents wanted kids back to back and my brother is four years older than me. After waiting about three years and having had a miscarriage too, the doctor gave my mom DES and she got pregnant within about four or five months with me. I had a feeling something was wrong besides just being transsexual, because after telling my parents at 16, (my mom for the 30th or 3000th time) I'm TS, a hormone test was done and they were the opposite or worse. My estrogen was pregnant female high and my testosterone was female low. I never grew breasts or anything, but had such a small amount of facial hair or hair anywhere actually, other than my head. No Adam's apple, female jawline (or so I'm told) and no male brow. I had to have a brain MRI and was told by the neurologist that I didn't have a brain tumor, but I do have a female brain. When I laughed and said, 'sure', he said, "No, really. You have the brain the same size and shape of a woman. Smaller than a male and symmetrical." So there's that too. I didn't find out about having something done at birth from my mom, but my godmother. She told me last Sunday that my mom and dad decided to raise me as a boy, but it almost went the other way. It's just something I should have asked about at least, and now, with the way my mom is, I'm not sure what she'd say about it because she's forgotten about so many things since her stroke.

P.S. It's 8:20 pm on Thursday where I live and I got a call from my cousin about my mom and our conversation drifted to my transition. We started talking about what my Godmother told me, and I said, "I didn't even know that the doctors didn't know if I was a boy or a girl when I was born till Gloria told me." and she said, "I've always known about it." Now I feel like what else wasn't I told? Did my brother know? Why, if it was so well known what had happened at birth did my parents send me to a psychiatrist at 16 like I was a complete whacko, and pretend they were shocked about my hormones being so f**ked up. Aaaarrrrrgghh!!!!