Girl Crush!

[mandonlym]

I just published this new piece about my first crush on a girl:

https://medium.com/the-archipelago/63597a86ffc0

Anyone else care to talk about their shifting sexualities because of transition? I never slept with a girl as a boy, couldn't even fathom doing it! Now here I am all sexually fluid and stuff.

[latoya rayne]

I've never been into women, I Knew from a young age I liked boys, I really like the blog though :-)  I read one more by you about a week ago

[jussmoi4nao]

Fascinating story, Meredith and soo well written! Great read

[Shantel]

Nice article Meredith! I've always been into women cis and trans women it has a lot of bearing on my androgynous option over full transition. Boys have always been the ones I once punched, yelled at and shot dead, not anything I'd moon over. I prefer the company of women 10-1 over that of males. But I'm sure you and others here know that, because aside from offering loads of encouragement to those transitioning women I am above all an ardent flirt.

[mandonlym]

Shantel you can flirt with me whenever you want and I will flirt back. 

[Shantel]

Shantel you can flirt with me whenever you want and I will flirt back. 

Ok you're on! 

[eli77]

I speak French and loved all the language stuff.

You are a talented writer. Have you put together any longer publications?

For me, I've always known I liked girls (I totally fell for Viola of Twelfth Night when I was 7), though I was not really interested in doing anything pre-transition. Strangely enough, like you, I couldn't imagine being a boy with a girl.

I'm kind of curious about the idea of sleeping with a guy. I'm not sure I'd really like it though. More for educational purposes.

[Ltl89]

Interesting story and I enjoyed your writing. 

I wonder if I'll ever experience anything like that myself.  I can't really see myself with a girl and the idea puts me off, though it's strange because I get along better with women and it probably would be so much easier.  I notice a lot of people experience some shift in sexuality as they get progress more into their transition, so I always say who knows and remain open minded though doubtful of a shift ever occurring.  It kind of bothers me to be honest, cause I pride myself on juding people for their souls and characters yet I'm staunchly using gender to distinguish who is potential dating material.  You can't help who and what you like, but it's an odd thing when you think about it. 

[mandonlym]

I speak French and loved all the language stuff.

You are a talented writer. Have you put together any longer publications?

For me, I've always known I liked girls (I totally fell for Viola of Twelfth Night when I was 7), though I was not really interested in doing anything pre-transition. Strangely enough, like you, I couldn't imagine being a boy with a girl.

Thanks Sarah! Funny you ask because I met with an agent last week and she's interested in representing a book of my essays so I'll be writing writing writing this summer in hopes that it happens.

And funny enough, one of the essays I'm planning is set in the theatre watching the recent Globe production of Twelfth Night on Broadway, which is Elizabethan style so all the women were played by men. So my date and I had all these discussions about all the cues that indicated Viola and the other characters were being played by men and how it would be different if they were played by women, etc., etc., while he didn't know about my history. It was a really mind-trippy experience, and one that over the years I've found myself in, forgetting I'll be in spaces where gender presentation becomes an issue.

[eli77]

Thanks Sarah! Funny you ask because I met with an agent last week and she's interested in representing a book of my essays so I'll be writing writing writing this summer in hopes that it happens.

And funny enough, one of the essays I'm planning is set in the theatre watching the recent Globe production of Twelfth Night on Broadway, which is Elizabethan style so all the women were played by men. So my date and I had all these discussions about all the cues that indicated Viola and the other characters were being played by men and how it would be different if they were played by women, etc., etc., while he didn't know about my history. It was a really mind-trippy experience, and one that over the years I've found myself in, forgetting I'll be in spaces where gender presentation becomes an issue.

Oh, that's fantastic, congratulations! I actually work in publishing myself, though I'm just an editor.

The Globe is fantastic! They have an all-female troupe as well, because screwing with people's heads is good for them.

[ath]

I've used to always be like 99% into girls and 1% into guys, like only slightly attracted to probably under 1% of men in general.

Now I'm still just as attracted to girls, but I'm finding my interest in guys to be increasing, and I don't know what to think of it, or whether I should hate it or love it.

I'm sort of feeling really confused and weirded out by it - I knew before starting hormones that this sort of thing can happen, and isn't really uncommon. I keep catching myself staring at guys like I usually only stare at girls, and it's really weirding me out. Like before I realize what I'm doing I'll catch myself staring at a guys arms or chest or face or whatever. There's lots of cognitive dissonance about it for me.

I'm also liking different -types- of guys than before. Before, I liked only feminine guys, not like actually -feminine- but I mean like skinny, not muscular, not "mr. macho man dude guy bro." But now I'm liking the types I never liked EVER before, mainly just ones with good muscle tone and the right skin, face, little body fat, the right type of face, etc. It's really weird. If you've seen the movie "Spun", the guy who got shot in the junk near the end was what -used- to be my type of guy, now it's broadened.

It's one thing to read about it and hear about it, and another to experience it.

Is it strange that I simultaneously wish I wasn't finding guys more attractive, while also enjoying my attraction to them? It's really uncommon for me to like and dislike something at the same time, and that is what's going on right now.

I mean, it's really not -bothering- me, and I'm a really happy person in general, but it's just really really confusing to me.

[@Diana]

great story you wrote there

for me , not into girls  , only into men

love Hugh 

[Umiko]

I've used to always be like 99% into girls and 1% into guys, like only slightly attracted to probably under 1% of men in general.

Now I'm still just as attracted to girls, but I'm finding my interest in guys to be increasing, and I don't know what to think of it, or whether I should hate it or love it.

I'm sort of feeling really confused and weirded out by it - I knew before starting hormones that this sort of thing can happen, and isn't really uncommon. I keep catching myself staring at guys like I usually only stare at girls, and it's really weirding me out. Like before I realize what I'm doing I'll catch myself staring at a guys arms or chest or face or whatever. There's lots of cognitive dissonance about it for me.

I'm also liking different -types- of guys than before. Before, I liked only feminine guys, not like actually -feminine- but I mean like skinny, not muscular, not "mr. macho man dude guy bro." But now I'm liking the types I never liked EVER before, mainly just ones with good muscle tone and the right skin, face, little body fat, the right type of face, etc. It's really weird. If you've seen the movie "Spun", the guy who got shot in the junk near the end was what -used- to be my type of guy, now it's broadened.

It's one thing to read about it and hear about it, and another to experience it.

Is it strange that I simultaneously wish I wasn't finding guys more attractive, while also enjoying my attraction to them? It's really uncommon for me to like and dislike something at the same time, and that is what's going on right now.

I mean, it's really not -bothering- me, and I'm a really happy person in general, but it's just really really confusing to me.

in the same boat as you my friend. finding my days spent thinking of which guy i find hot when i'm wither in class or walking outside. its scary but yet its so thrilling it send chills down my spine that it sends my mind into lala land xD

[Debussy]

in the same boat as you my friend. finding my days spent thinking of which guy i find hot when i'm wither in class or walking outside. its scary but yet its so thrilling it send chills down my spine that it sends my mind into lala land xD

Me too! I saw a guy jogging shirtless and the feeling caught me totally by surprise, all the way down to my toes! Is it the hormones or is it that I'm allowing myself to feel female now?

[Umiko]

Me too! I saw a guy jogging shirtless and the feeling caught me totally by surprise, all the way down to my toes! Is it the hormones or is it that I'm allowing myself to feel female now?

omg! if i ever saw a shirtless hottie, i just die of bliss xD havent caught one yet though. i think surrendering to your true nature awoken those feelings. hell i know it sure as hell did for me and i'm still pre hrt lol

[Debussy]

omg! if i ever saw a shirtless hottie, i just die of bliss xD havent caught one yet though. i think surrendering to your true nature awoken those feelings. hell i know it sure as hell did for me and i'm still pre hrt lol

You're right, I don't know why I felt so guilty about it before. Its weird how I can be disgusted by the male parts of my body, yet be completely enthralled when it's on someone else..

[Umiko]

You're right, I don't know why I felt so guilty about it before. Its weird how I can be disgusted by the male parts of my body, yet be completely enthralled when it's on someone else..

its our female brains sister. we're girls after all so it cant be helped, though i do find it disturbing, guilt riddenable and it drives my dysphoria into uncharted waters of crazy but as i said, i cant argue with psychological phenomenon. just my question is, why so suddenly i cant stop thinking about guys o.o its puzzling.

[Debussy]

its our female brains sister. we're girls after all so it cant be helped, though i do find it disturbing, guilt riddenable and it drives my dysphoria into uncharted waters of crazy but as i said, i cant argue with psychological phenomenon. just my question is, why so suddenly i cant stop thinking about guys o.o its puzzling.

Your brain is telling you to get some of that! you're starving the poor thing

My attraction to females has always been a mix of jealousy- a pretty even mix too. My attraction to guys has always been riddin with guilt. Thank god things are evening out.

I don't find my thoughts resting on guys that often, I'm too busy thinking about my own body right now  I think that's why the sudden change took me off guard! Life is suddenly exciting.

[Umiko]

Your brain is telling you to get some of that! you're starving the poor thing

My attraction to females has always been a mix of jealousy- a pretty even mix too. My attraction to guys has always been riddin with guilt. Thank god things are evening out.

I don't find my thoughts resting on guys that often, I'm too busy thinking about my own body right now  I think that's why the sudden change took me off guard! Life is suddenly exciting.

got that right xD feel like i can breathe but yea, the whole guy thing took me for a loop, near knocked me down and same with me! but my jealousy turns to rage though o.o for as long as i can remember, i've always been the jealous type. i take my mind off my body by just avoiding to see whats dangling down there o.o even wear shorts in the shower and i wear multiple shorts under my pants. i think i might go into denial about liking guys though o.o

[Debussy]

got that right xD feel like i can breathe but yea, the whole guy thing took me for a loop, near knocked me down and same with me! but my jealousy turns to rage though o.o for as long as i can remember, i've always been the jealous type. i take my mind off my body by just avoiding to see whats dangling down there o.o even wear shorts in the shower and i wear multiple shorts under my pants. i think i might go into denial about liking guys though o.o

Doesn't matter, once you start HRT there's no damming up that river