Right now I'm not really in such a great place. I'm guessing it's really because I'm on the wrong end of my hormonal cycle right now, but sometimes I wonder if my presence here is actually doing any good for me or anyone else. I probably trigger a lot of people without realizing it. I try to help out as much as I can and give back to the community that has helped me immeasurably, but I feel sometimes like I just end up making things worse. I try to add as much levity as I can here, but I sometimes wonder if people take it as a kind of mockery. I also get very snarky sometimes. I can't help it, it is just who I am.
I was almost dead not so long ago, and by some miracle, everything seems to be resolving itself now. I am basically a sunny, happy person now, when dark clouds once seemed to follow me everywhere. I was this dark, bitter, sarcastic a*hole that people once walked on eggshells around. I like who I am so much more now, as do most people. Susan's made me realize that as far as MTFs go, I'm actually pretty "standard issue". In fact it's the only place I've ever been where I did not feel like a complete misfit. Some days it makes me feel a lot better about my future and helps to quashes that "fear of the unknown" that I have always felt, and some days I end up crying a lot because I care so much about all of you and know deep down that I am probably powerless to help alleviate your pain and anguish.
I really do love all of you, but I'm thinking I actually might be doing more damage than good here just by being me and being honest.
If I ever made anyone feel worse, I am truly sorry. Maybe I should just stick to what I do best and caption avatars occasionally?
