During the aftermath of my wife rediscovering that these feeling have never left me, I held my composer in front of everyone except my mother. During the years of growing up, I would always find a means to express myself and also hide who I was. With time, it became easier and easier to make people think I was "normal". I did this mostly out of my own survival and out to respect for the people around me. I felt as if it was necessary to make others happy over my own happiness. This, of course, has been leading up to a boiling point in which I was ready to finally be happy myself.
I was at work Saturday morning sitting in the office with the lights off. I have never reached rock bottom in such a long time. The light just seemed to agitate me. My mother came in to retrieve some inventory to take out to another restaurant she owns. When she came into the office she noticed I was looking a little off. As soon as she asked if I was alright, I couldn't keep holding back the tears and they started to roll down my face. She has never seen this side of me before. It threw her way off. Eventually after I had calmed down some, I began to explain what happened. With the explanation about the possibility of divorce in my future, I had come out to her again.
Last time, four years ago when I came out to my mother, she acted as if I was sick and it would go away. From that moment, I never really trusted her to understand and discontinued using her as support.
This time was different, it wasn't a simple quick conversation, it was a more heart to heart with her. I finally expressed to her that what I deal with isn't just a new occurrence, it has been happening as early as I knew the differences between genders at the age of 4. I explained what it feels like to be trapped in the wrong body and how painful the dichotomy is to live out.
During the middle of the conversation, she expressed that I should have told her when I was younger and she would have helped me transition. She also expressed that I have gotten myself into a rather nasty predicament with being married and that should be delt with in a peacefull manner. In the end, she expressed that she loves and supports me no matter my decision and she will always see me as her child no matter the outcome.
I am very lucky to have both of my parents support me. They both have expressed that if I need a place to live, that their homes are always open to me (Home(s) because they are split up). I can only be thankfull and happy to have them as parents.
Digressing:
Gah.... If I only told my mother early on...... Now that one really hurts...
