During the aftermath of my wife rediscovering that these feeling have never left me, I held my composer in front of everyone except my mother. During the years of growing up, I would always find a means to express myself and also hide who I was. With time, it became easier and easier to make people think I was "normal". I did this mostly out of my own survival and out to respect for the people around me. I felt as if it was necessary to make others happy over my own happiness. This, of course, has been leading up to a boiling point in which I was ready to finally be happy myself.

I was at work Saturday morning sitting in the office with the lights off. I have never reached rock bottom in such a long time. The light just seemed to agitate me. My mother came in to retrieve some inventory to take out to another restaurant she owns. When she came into the office she noticed I was looking a little off. As soon as she asked if I was alright, I couldn't keep holding back the tears and they started to roll down my face. She has never seen this side of me before. It threw her way off. Eventually after I had calmed down some, I began to explain what happened. With the explanation about the possibility of divorce in my future, I had come out to her again.

Last time, four years ago when I came out to my mother, she acted as if I was sick and it would go away. From that moment, I never really trusted her to understand and discontinued using her as support.

This time was different, it wasn't a simple quick conversation, it was a more heart to heart with her. I finally expressed to her that what I deal with isn't just a new occurrence, it has been happening as early as I knew the differences between genders at the age of 4. I explained what it feels like to be trapped in the wrong body and how painful the dichotomy is to live out.

During the middle of the conversation, she expressed that I should have told her when I was younger and she would have helped me transition. She also expressed that I have gotten myself into a rather nasty predicament with being married and that should be delt with in a peacefull manner. In the end, she expressed that she loves and supports me no matter my decision and she will always see me as her child no matter the outcome.

I am very lucky to have both of my parents support me. They both have expressed that if I need a place to live, that their homes are always open to me (Home(s) because they are split up). I can only be thankfull and happy to have them as parents.








Digressing:
Gah.... If I only told my mother early on...... Now that one really hurts...

I'm glad it went well Naomi.  Don't worry about the past.  All we can do is move forward and do our best as we go on. 

Something about this makes me smile.  It reminds me that parents are always our parents and we are always their little kids at heart.  There is something special about that.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 08, 2014, 04:04:04 PM
I'm glad it went well Naomi.  Don't worry about the past.  All we can do is move forward and do our best as we go on. 

Something about this makes me smile.  It reminds me that parents are always our parents and we are always their little kids at heart.  There is something special about that.

Your right, I only look back and see missed opportunities but they are a motivator to seize the day.

Quote from: naomi599 on May 08, 2014, 05:00:18 PM
Your right, I only look back and see missed opportunities but they are a motivator to seize the day.

I spent so much of my life beating myself up for "what could have been." Not anymore; this trans thing is different, and it's forcing me to see that all we have is the moment and the future we decide to make. We can't return to the past, so we might as well just learn from it.

I'm glad your mother is supportive. How are things with your wife, if you don't mind me asking?

Tegan

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 08, 2014, 05:30:29 PM
I spent so much of my life beating myself up for "what could have been." Not anymore; this trans thing is different, and it's forcing me to see that all we have is the moment and the future we decide to make. We can't return to the past, so we might as well just learn from it.

I'm glad your mother is supportive. How are things with your wife, if you don't mind me asking?

Tegan

In a very awkward stage. She is finally accepting me but will not accept me if I transition. She let me know clearly that she needs a man in her life, to which I agree but I honestly do not think I can fill that roll very well any longer. Were taking things slowly. She fell into a deep depression and I have been trying to help her with it, and she is finally coming around. She knows that I'm moving towards full transition soon but doesn't want to let go quite yet. She has expressed that she feels like I'm dying to her.

For me, I won't promise her that I'm not transitioning because I already know what I want to do. I need to transition. I currently am making plans to take all the debt with me if she wants me gone, I don't want to leave her with a mess. The line of communication is still fully open between me and her and we are still sleeping in the same bed, so I guess that's a good sign lol. When she starts pushing me for answers I try to be as sweet as possible and answer them in a manner that wont kill her but won't make me a liar.

When I spoke to my mother about transitioning, I mentioned that I would resign from the restaurant to leave the business' reputation in one piece. She responded by letting me know that she doesn't want me to leave if I do transition and the world will have to accept me because I am her child  . In that case I'm financially secured enough to take all the debt with me if and when my wife leaves me.

Quote from: naomi599 on May 08, 2014, 07:00:25 PM
In a very awkward stage. She is finally accepting me but will not accept me if I transition. She let me know clearly that she needs a man in her life, to which I agree but I honestly do not think I can fill that roll very well any longer. Were taking things slowly. She fell into a deep depression and I have been trying to help her with it, and she is finally coming around. She knows that I'm moving towards full transition soon but doesn't want to let go quite yet. She has expressed that she feels like I'm dying to her.

For me, I won't promise her that I'm not transitioning because I already know what I want to do. I need to transition. I currently am making plans to take all the debt with me if she wants me gone, I don't want to leave her with a mess. The line of communication is still fully open between me and her and we are still sleeping in the same bed, so I guess that's a good sign lol. When she starts pushing me for answers I try to be as sweet as possible and answer them in a manner that wont kill her but won't make me a liar.

When I spoke to my mother about transitioning, I mentioned that I would resign from the restaurant to leave the business' reputation in one piece. She responded by letting me know that she doesn't want me to leave if I do transition and the world will have to accept me because I am her child  . In that case I'm financially secured enough to take all the debt with me if and when my wife leaves me.

Gosh Naomi, that really breaks my heart that you see yourself losing so much in the near future. That's really big of you, though, to put so much care into making sure your wife has the least amount of financial struggle as possible.

I myself can relate to your situation. I'm also married, also with a wife who "needs a man." I do respect that, however the future is unwritten and a huge part of me just doesn't quite accept it. At least not yet. She's the best friend I've ever had, and I know I'm the best she's ever had, and it's unlikely either of us will ever again find anything as deep as what we have right now. I'm holding out hope that there is a potential future that we can both live with.

On another note, that's fantastic that your mother is so accepting and so willing to do what it takes to stand by you. That is amazing, and something that we don't all have. You should be very pleased about that.

Really, Naomi, I kind of wish that 10 years ago I had my stuff as together as you seem to right now. Good job on being so brave, selfless, and positive. Keep coming back here, girl, and keep sharing your story. I'm genuinely interested. Feel free to PM me any time if you need to chat, vent, or anything else.

See you around the forums.

Cheers,
Tegan

Hi Naomi,

Tegan is pretty insightful.  You do have it pretty well together.  Doesn't make it any easier or less painful, but nobody said that living authentically would not contain both grief and joy.  I'm just a bit further down the pike from you, and my best friend and I are doing the legal machinations of separation.  This has both brought me to my knees, and given me permission to go on.  I'll be full time next month, and that is pretty much the end of that relationship.

That you have such great support from you family is affirming and wonderful.  My mother was also OK with whoever I needed to be, and I am grateful that she was both aware and accepting before she died last year.  I am glad that you can still talk to your wife without having to filter your thoughts.  That is pretty rare around here, and doesn't exist in my world.  Transition cost me my wife, partner and friend, but it gave me life and hope, and for me that was a necessary bargain.

I wish you joy and growth

Julie

Thank you two for the support. I can plan all day but I know it will still hurt in the end to loose my wife. I don't know how the pain will feel, I'm sure its easy to talk the talk but I will soon see what torment lies ahead. The prize is worth it, I'm ready to be me and to have a completed identity. Thank you learningtolive, Tegan and JulieBlair .

Naomi,
Of all the things that have been hard for me about transitioning, letting go of my marriage has been the most sucky.  There are some girls here who are married to frankly heroic women, but a lot of us had to choose between life, and life together.  It is doubtful that I would have survived living as I was - at least emotionally, and Donna cannot emotionally accept Julie as her partner.  I understand that completely, but it still drove me to my knees.  Keep talking to us, it helps.

Hugs,
Julie