Feel out of place everywhere

[HoneyStrums]

LOL.  This is pretty much how I have always seen breasts.  Fat bags, or a bum on your chest lol.  They kind of are ridiculous.  I have never, nor do I think I will ever, get the fascination with them.   But paradoxically, I want them.  Just cause I know people want me to have them I guess?   And they would make look more normal?  I really don't know.  This is one thing where I am for sure being motivated by what society expects more than what I want.

I Will point out that evey woman I know wishes she could take her breast off. It helps me cope with the times I have to remove mine, but makes me feel its unfair that i can.

Abby, you might want to reconsider talking about this with your therapist -- her job is to help you figure out what's right for you, not to be some sort of gatekeeper (those days are pretty much over, thank goodness). She'll probably tell you that it's totally normal to question who you are and to go back and forth on this stuff. When I first admitted that my gender ID was at the core of my problems (mostly depression), it was devastating and I didn't want to accept it at all, despite the fact that I've known for decades that I've never identified as female. A lot of back-and forth there... but I needed to go through it and work it out. I couldn't have done it without a good therapist -- it was way too scary.

Ohh I Should listen to this too.

[Adam (birkin)]

Lol, I mean if you sort of contain them, and push them up in certain ways, ok I can see how it adds to your shapeliness and maybe I can see how they look ok?   But when you let them just kind be natural, boobs are ugly.  There I said it. Lol

Blasphemy.

Actually having boobs is weird though, I can't deny that. I prefer others to carry the burden.

[BunnyBee]

@Abby, some (most) people think boobs are the best thing ever, so don't let me make you feel like they're ugly.  I know I am the weird one lol

Blasphemy.

Actually having boobs is weird though, I can't deny that. I prefer others to carry the burden.

Ha

[jussmoi4nao]

Jen, no, I mean...they're unattractive to me too, so dw, haha. But heyy the gents seem to like em, so yaa know haha

[Inanna]

I'm the type of person where....authenticity is very important to me. It always has been. I have certain ideals of...I dunno. All I know is, I feel out of place around women because I feel like...they are entitled to that identity, and I'm not. I live it and nobody's any the wiser but I'm different, still. And this is an unchangeable reality.

I guess...I just hate seeming disingenuous. And in my mind, there's something fundamentally disingenuous in my self portrayal no matter how convincing. And I think...I always come off as strange to people because that inner feeling of incongruency resonates to the surface, so I seem sad or overly thoughtful and takes me away from my experiences and interactions with others.

I guess fundamentally the way I see it is that I'm a guy still. And for some reason, who knows and who cares why, I have always wanted to be female inside. But that's not the experience I was born into, like it or not. And I can look the part, and sound the part, and feel the part and smell the part...and I do. But in my mind I can't...BE it.

And I guess thats a backward, messed up view of gender that reeks of internalized transphobia, internalization of gender roles yada yada but yeah..

I really, really understand what you're saying.  I feel that way all the time.  Birth and biology feel like everything; it's basically the reason I majored in bio, so that I can wrap my mind around it.

There may be some legitimate, natural reason for transphobia, both internal and external.  I mean, after all, throughout human history those who pair bonded with someone who wasn't the sex they presented as, neither of them were having children.  Religious powers amplified the feeling in society, especially through homophobia.

But never forget one thing: humans are more than just animals, predestined by anatomy.  The amazing breadth of our emotions and thoughts truly make us something fundamentally different.  Those give us our identity, through and through, and that's not just lip service.

If you swapped bodies with another person... you wouldn't *be* that person, would you? 

[Tysilio]

Tysilio,yeah, I meann..I dunno. My therapist isn't very good. And I haven't seen her in forever but idont want her tolike...re evaluate my diagnosis. Maybe in other areas it's not like that but she seems to put a lot of stock in my certainty. She's kinda crap tbh and then there's a problem cause she screwed up the billing..drama, drama drama.

The sad thing is she's the only one for hours that handles GID.

Abby, that stinks. It's just wrong that it's this hard to find a good therapist. I had a crap therapist a looong time ago, and when I brought up my gender ID, she was.... well, disrespectful and dismissive. If she hadn't been, I might have been able to transition decades ago.

[Shana-chan]

Does anyone else get this?

Unfortunately I do. I'm a gender bender, and while most or at least the majority I've seen here tend to like it and embrace it, I HATE IT! I only wish to be fully female, nothing else, yet my body is male and my mind/soul is female at times, male at times and both (Neutral) at times. I don't much mind the neutral at this point but I hate hate HATE feeling at all male. (Not to mention looking like one) Plus, like you when I'm around people, well, sometimes I'll feel fake and it's not right just because I don't know most of the things girls already know and because I wasn't born with the right body, I feel as though I have to keep it a secret or others won't treat me like I wish to be treated...not to mention I'm a very honest person..

[Felix]

I think whether you are binary or fluid or anything in between, you can get in places like this.

I am personally very binary, very male. I feel very male. I do have enough behaviors that aren't "normal" for a male person that I raise eyebrows occasionally.

When I'm around men, I sometimes feel like a liar, like I should tell them I don't have the "right" genitalia or upbringing. When I'm around women sometimes I feel like a predator, or like I'm giving them the wrong idea about men in general. Like my behavior or opinion as a man isn't quite valid anywhere.

The earlier advice to just tell people about your transition isn't bad but isn't always feasible. I started into this thinking I'd be out to everybody, all the time. Then I encountered situations where it was not safe to be out. Then when I got to reliably passing I got to where I don't know how to bring it up. How do you announce your gender foibles and who you were raised as when nobody asks? It's hard to even bring up sexual orientation when it's not obvious, and it's not like people check your official status on these things when you go places.

Sometimes I miss being a woman, or at least being able to talk about the experience of it. I'm positive that's not strange, and that having internal conflict about your own identity isn't abnormal either. Sometimes I feel like a fake or a failure because I have memories and habits that don't work with who I am right now.

Regarding therapy, you might need to find a therapist you like and then just shoehorn them into dealing with GID. I live in Portland, known (by people who know it) for being progressive and welcoming, and I've still had to do that with some of them. My current therapist is at an LGBT youth center, and well-trained in gender issues, but not better than some of the therapists I've had who knew nothing about the topic before meeting me. Sometimes whether you click with the person and what you need from them is way more important than their prior experience.

[Alexis Paige]

Being normal is vastly over rated. If your completely normal than your completely average. Personally, I'd rather be an outcast, different, weird, a freak, you name it so long as it's not normal.

Abby have you ever considered hanging out with a group of queer identified people. I've always found my queer friends to be a lot of fun , and there is something nice about being with people who you can be completely honest about yourself and they won't question you or start misgendering you. Maybe you will feel more authentic since with them you can just be yourself without worrying about the societal rules of the gender binary.  Your also young enough to probably be able to go to a queer youth center if there is one near you.

Personally, I don't feel truly male or female. A hybrid or nothing would probably be a good way to describe me. I just think I feel and appear close enough to female that its easier to let the world see me that way.

[mandonlym]

Abby sorry it took me this long to respond... I don't check all the boards regularly otherwise I would have said something sooner.

I think there's almost inevitably a big difference between trans people who are readily perceived as their non-assigned gender and those who are not. Our experience seems to be more rare on these boards, and also the experience of not having the "trapped in my own body feeling."

I don't feel inauthentic, either as a woman or a man. I feel that gender is inauthentic, and I have qualities of both genders that I apply to specific situations. I'm generally happier as female and only occasionally and in special situations identify as male, a bit more often as genderqueer. I love all these parts of myself, always have always will. It doesn't mean I don't experience moments of crisis, and definitely more of them when I was pre-op, but at heart that's always been how I've felt.

I'm really lucky to have formed super-close friendships with both men and women. The socializing you describe feels relatively superficial, but there's something about knowing so much about someone, about almost living their lives with them, that makes it easier to see yourself in their shoes. It sounds like right now, you might be experiencing womanhood as superficial because that's the part you've experienced. As my friendships deepened as a woman, I increasingly felt much more at home being a woman.

So that's where I am. I hope this helps and don't hesitate to call / e-mail / text.

[jussmoi4nao]

Abby sorry it took me this long to respond... I don't check all the boards regularly otherwise I would have said something sooner.

I think there's almost inevitably a big difference between trans people who are readily perceived as their non-assigned gender and those who are not. Our experience seems to be more rare on these boards, and also the experience of not having the "trapped in my own body feeling."

I don't feel inauthentic, either as a woman or a man. I feel that gender is inauthentic, and I have qualities of both genders that I apply to specific situations. I'm generally happier as female and only occasionally and in special situations identify as male, a bit more often as genderqueer. I love all these parts of myself, always have always will. It doesn't mean I don't experience moments of crisis, and definitely more of them when I was pre-op, but at heart that's always been how I've felt.

I'm really lucky to have formed super-close friendships with both men and women. The socializing you describe feels relatively superficial, but there's something about knowing so much about someone, about almost living their lives with them, that makes it easier to see yourself in their shoes. It sounds like right now, you might be experiencing womanhood as superficial because that's the part you've experienced. As my friendships deepened as a woman, I increasingly felt much more at home being a woman.

So that's where I am. I hope this helps and don't hesitate to call / e-mail / text.

Thanks for the post Meredith...you're such a good writer, the "gender is inauthentic" line really resonated with me. I agree so much xD

Butyeah, thanks for this post *hug*. And thank you all for your input, advice, etc I really do appreciate it

[helen2010]

Mandolym

"I don't feel inauthentic, either as a woman or a man. I feel that gender is inauthentic, and I have qualities of both genders that I apply to specific situations."   Your  response is pretty much my read on my situation and my truth.  Physically male but progressively more androgynous in presentation I feel most comfortable and authentic when I flow and move according to the conversation and circumstance displaying and utilising qualities and behaviours which while frequently gendered are to my mind nothing of the sort.  They are the qualities that all folk should be able to access and to express.

Aisla

[mandonlym]

I feel like we're under so much pressure to conform to some sort of standard narrative, and one of them now is that trans people need to feel trapped in their body or be dysmorphic to transition, because medical necessity is the only reason to do it. It's out lives; we can be trans for whatever our own personal reasons are.

For me, I figured out that I prefer to be a woman within the gender system I was living in. I prefer to be a strong woman rather than a feminine man, and I prefer to be a beautiful woman over an ordinary-looking man. I won't apologize for that, nor would I apologize for transitioning partly to be with men who like women, because I prefer the dynamic of being with a man as a woman rather than with being a man as a man. When I sleep with men now, it doesn't mean I "tricked" them into having sex with me because I feel this way. It means that I made the decision that it was worth transitioning to be with them.

I will never apologize for my life because I'm not normal. In my opinion, trying to be who you're not is what requires an apology, mainly to yourself.

[helen2010]

"I will never apologize for my life because I'm not normal. In my opinion, trying to be who you're not is what requires an apology, mainly to yourself."

Mandonlym

Thank you for this.  If you don't mind I will use this phrase.  It is powerfully affirming.

Aisla

[Meria]

I also feel out of place everywhere. I'm recently post-op and I just feel that I don't fit in, and it's very hard for me to open up to other people. For me, though, It's similar yet different. I feel artificial. With every little 'outside help' that I get, I mean surgeries, I feel less and less natural. I had my SRS, normal-sized silicone implants for the boobs (Hormones wasn't enough), the medication, electrolisis, and considering a Facial Feminization.

I feel they help me to see myself better, but I also feel that I wish I didn't have to need them, but can't help it, they are absolutely needed to be seen just as I am, I need my outside to reflect my inside. What concerns me the most, though; is the inability to give birth. To never be able to be a mother. I know there are many childs who need adoption, but still, maternity, beeing able to give life, is a very important part of beeing a woman, and I will never be able to give a child to my love. That makes me feel terrible. I never even felt the need of having a kid until I fell in love so deep and absolutely crazy with this guy. We are officialy together, we see a future together, we even consider marriage, we make extremely happy each other (even when we have fights, its absolutely crazy ) so it gets me on my nerves to think that one day he might want to have kids and then I will be unable to have our own.

[helen2010]

I also feel out of place everywhere. I feel artificial. With every little 'outside help' that I get, I mean surgeries, I feel less and less natural. I had my SRS, normal-sized silicone implants for the boobs (Hormones wasn't enough), the medication, electrolisis, and considering a Facial Feminization.

I feel they help me to see myself better, but I also feel that I wish I didn't have to need them, but can't help it, they are absolutely needed to be seen just as I am, I need my outside to reflect my inside.

Meria

Like many non binaries, my story is similar but different to the more usual tg narrative.  I know that my narrative differs from the norm, but the further I travel in my journey, which is a journey to find and to express myself, the better I feel.  Hrt, FFS, electrolysis and a more androgynous presentation has meant that I feel less dissonance between my male birth gender and my non binary or GQ nature.  My outside is better resembling my inside and I definitely don't feel artificial.  Gender is in many ways an artificial, social or power construct.  Provided that I am not signalling that I am 100 per cent male or female gendered then I am good.  As more androgynous or even when sending mixed gender signals I feel significantly more authentic and real, as I feel that I am being  both truer to, and closer to, my nature.

I have wrestled with my need for low dose hrt but I now accept it as necessary to help me address both a physical and an emotional need.   Provided I don't reach a situation where I consistently 'male fail' then I am good with it.  Being able to access and express so called female and male gendered characteristics and presentation works well for me and the added bonus is that it rids me of my intense GD and does not require me to walk away from my life experience and the journey that has brought me to this increasingly  wonderful place.

Aisla

[mandonlym]

"I will never apologize for my life because I'm not normal. In my opinion, trying to be who you're not is what requires an apology, mainly to yourself."

Mandonlym

Thank you for this.  If you don't mind I will use this phrase.  It is powerfully affirming.

Aisla

Absolutely. Please use it as you wish. It would be an honor.