Feel out of place everywhere

[jussmoi4nao]

Yeah, those are all really good points everybody, so thank you.

At the end of it, though...and I don't mean this as a relfection on anyone but me because half the struggle of being trans is internal...but at the end of it, the more I go out and socialize in get active and such the more I feel this way, and here's why...

I honestly feel like I'm living an experience that isn't mine...like I may wish it was mine and I may have always wished it was mine...but in my mind this experience doesn't belong to me. And that's a reality of my birth whether I like it or not.

The male experience, then. It's uncomfortable, yes. Highly uncomfortable. But I'm entitled to it..it's something that I am owed because of my birth.

I'm the type of person where....authenticity is very important to me. It always has been. I have certain ideals of...I dunno. All I know is, I feel out of place around women because I feel like...they are entitled to that identity, and I'm not. I live it and nobody's any the wiser but I'm different, still. And this is an unchangeable reality.

I guess...I just hate seeming disingenuous. And in my mind, there's something fundamentally disingenuous in my self portrayal no matter how convincing. And I think...I always come off as strange to people because that inner feeling of incongruency resonates to the surface, so I seem sad or overly thoughtful and takes me away from my experiences and interactions with others.

I guess fundamentally the way I see it is that I'm a guy still. And for some reason, who knows and who cares why, I have always wanted to be female inside. But that's not the experience I was born into, like it or not. And I can look the part, and sound the part, and feel the part and smell the part...and I do. But in my mind I can't...BE it.

And I guess thats a backward, messed up view of gender that reeks of internalized transphobia, internalization of gender roles yada yada but yeah..

[HoneyStrums]

I think you feel its a lie, Because you ARE hiding somthing. I Tell my freinds all the time i wish i was normal, But I wish I was a normal Woman. And Im not.  But they accept me as a woman, Just an abnormal one.

What you need to do is figur out if its a normal boy or girl you wish you was. And then fight for your rights as a person to be treat equally because you dont tick all the boxes.

And if that means fighting for your a right to look how you want to look and behave in a natural way and to identify as one or the other and not be victimised because of it thats what trans rights is about.

[Jessica Merriman]

The male experience, then. It's uncomfortable, yes. Highly uncomfortable. But I'm entitled to it..it's something that I am owed because of my birth.

I am totally confused now? Are you fighting yourself to be male or female? Sounds like you are upset you are not living as a male with all the privileges involved. I am trying desperately to understand this. From what I get so far you want to be a female some of the time, but live with male identity. Help me out here, I'm blonde!

[jussmoi4nao]

I am totally confused now? Are you fighting yourself to be male or female? Sounds like you are upset you are not living as a male with all the privileges involved. I am trying desperately to understand this. From what I get so far you want to be a female some of the time, but live with male identity. Help me out here, I'm blonde!

No, it's not quite that. I don't want to live as male, per se. I mean I do romanticize it a bit but that's only because I was born male...so I think I romanticize the authenticity in it...I guess quite frankly the authenticity I see in being cis or living cis, at least, as opposed to trans. And then, of course, I'm attracted to males so there's that element of being able to...appreciate that experience in different ways, but that's a whole other conversation.

But, yeah, that's why. It's not that I don't want to be female for any reason...societal disadvantages or otherwise. None of that plays a role because regardless I would definitely prefer to be a female....but I'm not sure if I wanna be a girl as much as I want to feel real and authentic and I can't help it but I just...don't, this way.

So I guess you could say either way I'm fighting myself. Feelings of incongruency...as male I wish I was female because...god knows why, I'm transgender whatever. But then as transfemale I wish I was cis, and by extension, male, because it's an experience that I feel entitled to and that I feel is a more genuine self portrayal.

It's a bit of a problem...

[Jessica Merriman]

I suppose I am lucky. I feel female in my heart and soul and don't over think things like this. I consider myself an authentic woman with a birth defect. I own it, revel in it and feel in tune with the universe. There is never the option for me to go back to living as a male because I never was one. Make sense?

[sad panda]

*boi hugsssss*

Sorry if I'm not helping

Come to the dark sideee, let yourself be a boy who is just telling everyone you're a girl if you feel that way anyway

It's so much easier mentally.

Sorry if I'm not helping ;-;

[BunnyBee]

Do you feel if you were able to feel authentic in whatever way you prefer to present yourself to the world that it would fix it?

[Jessica Merriman]

Do you feel if you were able to feel authentic in whatever way you prefer to present yourself to the world that it would fix it?

Also, do you have any Dysphoria symptoms when you present as male or not? 

[jussmoi4nao]

@Sad Panda,

Actually, yes! That is kind of what I have been doing...it gives me like a safety net. I guess it's kind of a mental thing right? But I feel silly a bit, especially because I have boobs...I have way more boobs than I expected, too. But yeah, it's weird because I actually feel myself getting a bit euphoric when I hear my birth name these days..

@Jen,

I don't know. I guess because I stand on this weird genderline where...unless I have an overtly masculine presentation, I don't pass as male, and that's just..not comfortable, like overly masculine. In theory, I kinda like the idea, in practice, no.

@Jessica,

I do. I mean, not like...body dysphoria. Call it perception dysphoria. I feel uncomfirtable being perceived as male...or at least the type of male I'm perceived as when I'm not being perceived as female which is like...too masculine.

[Jessica Merriman]

I do. I mean, not like...body dysphoria. Call it perception dysphoria. I feel uncomfirtable being perceived as male...or at least the type of male I'm perceived as when I'm not being perceived as female which is like...too masculine.

I need some caffeine real quick! That went over me like a B2 Stealth at night.

Sorry Abby, not making fun of your situation just didn't sleep last night so I am not this sharp today!

[BunnyBee]

It seems you have a kindred spirit in Sad Panda, heh.  That has seemed immediately pretty obv.

I feel like you are experiencing your gender issues differently than me, or at least you're intellectualizing them very differently, so I feel like I don't have the perspective you need, but you are not alone.   Not just Panda, but I do hear similar things from other people.  I wish I could help more

[jussmoi4nao]

I know it's confusing I'm sorry guys xD

Let me put it this way..I have highly conflicted feelings. Everybody tells me I'm like dissociative (which I'm not) because I have opposite sides...like dramatically so. Which is also a symptom of BPD, so there's that.

Secretly I'm left to wonder if all of this is just mental illness. Can I be frank with you all? I wonder if at my core, beneath the dysfunction, that maybe I'm really just a male who had a not so great youth and learned to cope and process things in an unhealthy way, at a really early age. I haven't talked about this with my therapost because I want her to sign my gender change affidavit eventually, but yeah.

It's almost like...womanhood is like a shell for me. Something I find strength in. And masculinity feels vulnerable because of all the expectations and roles, that I evidently don't measure up to, because I aam naturally feminine. So I think maybe at a young age that along with other stuff translated into dysphoria. I dunnno. All I know is my dysphoria isn't the same, it's more complex.

[Jessica Merriman]

I think that makes perfect sense! Not the mental illness part, but why you feel this way. Eureka! A break through! Now the question is what are you going to do with this knowledge? If you feel you don't measure up to masculinity what now? Transition fully or stay androgynous?

I think you have finally reached a deciding path myself. Just don't go backward and look to the future. We can't change the past so move on with the future.

[jussmoi4nao]

@Jessica,

Welll, I'm nit sure. Never, ever surgery. I'll always be non op. But right now I feel like I really need long hair. Don't ask me why...it's a little thing but important to me. I'm interested in seeing how I feel in like...a very concretely female presentation like that.

I've considered dropping E and staing on AA but, ehh. I doubt I will. It's just that my boobs have gotten rather...full/noticeable. Some days it's like...oohah, yaay, tits! And others it's like....what are these fat bags and why are they hanging off my chest xDD

[Jessica Merriman]

I'm interested in seeing how I feel in like...a very concretely female presentation like that.

Sounds like a good plan to me!

[BunnyBee]

And others it's like....what are these fat bags and why are they hanging off my chest xDD

LOL.  This is pretty much how I have always seen breasts.  Fat bags, or a bum on your chest lol.  They kind of are ridiculous.  I have never, nor do I think I will ever, get the fascination with them.   But paradoxically, I want them.  Just cause I know people want me to have them I guess?   And they would make look more normal?  I really don't know.  This is one thing where I am for sure being motivated by what society expects more than what I want.

[jussmoi4nao]

LOL.  This is pretty much how I have always seen breasts.  Fat bags, or a bum on your chest lol.  They kind of are ridiculous.  I have never, nor do I think I will ever, get the fascination with them.   But paradoxically, I want them.  Just cause I know people want me to have them I guess?   And they would make look more normal?  I really don't know.  This is one thing where I am for sure being motivated by what society expects more than what I want.

They're very strange lol. Sometimes it's weird for me that I have them and like I lay flat on my back so they roll into my armpits and aren't so noticeable...like sleeping on my side...ugh, cleavage up to my neck xD not fun.

But then other times I wear pushups and put them on display, but that's more cause I'm an attention whore that way lol.

[Tysilio]

I wonder if at my core, beneath the dysfunction, that maybe I'm really just a male who had a not so great youth and learned to cope and process things in an unhealthy way, at a really early age. I haven't talked about this with my therapost because I want her to sign my gender change affidavit eventually, but yeah.

Abby, you might want to reconsider talking about this with your therapist -- her job is to help you figure out what's right for you, not to be some sort of gatekeeper (those days are pretty much over, thank goodness). She'll probably tell you that it's totally normal to question who you are and to go back and forth on this stuff. When I first admitted that my gender ID was at the core of my problems (mostly depression), it was devastating and I didn't want to accept it at all, despite the fact that I've known for decades that I've never identified as female. A lot of back-and forth there... but I needed to go through it and work it out. I couldn't have done it without a good therapist -- it was way too scary.

[BunnyBee]

They're very strange lol. Sometimes it's weird for me that I have them and like I lay flat on my back so they roll into my armpits and aren't so noticeable...like sleeping on my side...ugh, cleavage up to my neck xD not fun.

But then other times I wear pushups and put them on display, but that's more cause I'm an attention whore that way lol.

Lol, I mean if you sort of contain them, and push them up in certain ways, ok I can see how it adds to your shapeliness and maybe I can see how they look ok?   But when you let them just kind be natural, boobs are ugly.  There I said it. Lol

Mine are still pretty small and I do wish they were bigger just cause I am expected to have them or whatever, but even at this size all they are is uncomfortable and just kinda getting in the way and require that I wear this extra scaffolding under my shirt.  But I still want them to be bigger. Is that effed up?

[jussmoi4nao]

Lol, I mean if you sort of contain them, and push them up in certain ways, ok I can see how it adds to your shapeliness and maybe I can see how they look ok?   But when you let them just kind be natural, boobs are ugly.  There I said it. Lol

Mine are still pretty small and I do wish they were bigger just cause I am expected to have them or whatever, but even at this size all they are is uncomfortable and just kinda getting in the way.  But I still want them to be bigger. Is that effed up?

Mine are like...full, 30Bs, lol. And I'm almost underweight, so they show up on my body a fair bit.. But yeah, they are a bit unsightly when they're freestylin, hahah.

Tysilio,yeah, I meann..I dunno. My therapist isn't very good. And I haven't seen her in forever but idont want her tolike...re evaluate my diagnosis. Maybe in other areas it's not like that but she seems to put a lot of stock in my certainty. She's kinda crap tbh and then there's a problem cause she screwed up the billing..drama, drama drama.

The sad thing is she's the only one for hours that handles GID.