i feel cold, numb and dead

[Umiko]

thanx oneechan. i actually felt like it earlier but i got such a sudden euphoric rush, i was just giggling myself into a coma so i'm ok now

[Jessica Merriman]

I am here for you always Моя Сестра!

[Umiko]

but..........your not going to like what i did earlier o.o lets just leave it at that though. sry oneechan

[Jessica Merriman]

but..........your not going to like what i did earlier

Can you talk to me first next time? Do you feel comfortable enough to do that?

[Umiko]

i pmed you

[Umiko]

well, i'm getting close to starting HRT(hopefully either next week or the week after but its going to be before summer starts) but i cant help but feel like though it is clearly apparent i need to start transitioning or i could potentially die of stress and my body just giving up from fighting my mind over dominance, it just seems to me like it gives the professionals more reason to throw more hurdles at me. i had a bad panic attack today becuz my girl mode went out the window so i had to go boy mode, my therapist's office didnt pick up the phone when i called all day and usually about half hour after i leave a message, my therapist calls me back, i got nada today. even though my endo gave me hope yesterday, she did leave me confused on whether i need the letter or just a note from my doctor giving me clearance to start HRT. so basically, i'm back to square one, u a creek without a paddle and no where else to turn to. all the full experience gender therapist i cant pay out of pocket and my insurance wont cover any of my sessions except this current one i have who really isnt a gender therapist but has some experience since he had a couple of patients who were trans. i just cant help but to feel left out to dry right now and its frustrating

[Jess42]

well, i'm getting close to starting HRT(hopefully either next week or the week after but its going to be before summer starts) but i cant help but feel like though it is clearly apparent i need to start transitioning or i could potentially die of stress and my body just giving up from fighting my mind over dominance, it just seems to me like it gives the professionals more reason to throw more hurdles at me. i had a bad panic attack today becuz my girl mode went out the window so i had to go boy mode, my therapist's office didnt pick up the phone when i called all day and usually about half hour after i leave a message, my therapist calls me back, i got nada today. even though my endo gave me hope yesterday, she did leave me confused on whether i need the letter or just a note from my doctor giving me clearance to start HRT. so basically, i'm back to square one, u a creek without a paddle and no where else to turn to. all the full experience gender therapist i cant pay out of pocket and my insurance wont cover any of my sessions except this current one i have who really isnt a gender therapist but has some experience since he had a couple of patients who were trans. i just cant help but to feel left out to dry right now and its frustrating

OH Umiko, never give up hope, please. Sometimes therapsists do take days off during the middle of the week so that could be the reason they didn't pick up the phone.

On the bright side though, your new therapist does have a little working knowledge of the whole transgender deal. Just have a little patience hon. It truly is a virtue but when we are young it seems like the world is going so fast and everything has to be right now. When you get a little older the world does indeed go by even faster than when you were young, its just you get too lazy or tired or just don't care how fast the world is passing you by. I'm all three.

[Umiko]

OH Umiko, never give up hope, please. Sometimes therapsists do take days off during the middle of the week so that could be the reason they didn't pick up the phone.

On the bright side though, your new therapist does have a little working knowledge of the whole transgender deal. Just have a little patience hon. It truly is a virtue but when we are young it seems like the world is going so fast and everything has to be right now. When you get a little older the world does indeed go by even faster than when you were young, its just you get too lazy or tired or just don't care how fast the world is passing you by. I'm all three.

Time for me disappeared a long time ago. Time doesnt move for me so thats why i see this as going so slow plus every week its always the same thing, i talk and i get the "i understand, you just need to calm down and think of things to distract yourself and make you feel comfortable" first never tell a girl to calm down and second i cant feel comfortable thus why i am on therapy. This kinda stuff is what drives me to pill popping and cutting

[Jess42]

Time for me disappeared a long time ago. Time doesnt move for me so thats why i see this as going so slow plus every week its always the same thing, i talk and i get the "i understand, you just need to calm down and think of things to distract yourself and make you feel comfortable" first never tell a girl to calm down and second i cant feel comfortable thus why i am on therapy. This kinda stuff is what drives me to pill popping and cutting

Oh hon, please don't scar yourself up and careful of the pills. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you.

I agree, you never tell a girl to calm down 'cause it makes us way more hysterical. Especially when you add the dysphoria into the mix.

I can definately relate to what I emboldened in your statement. Being or feeling female is the number one thing that makes me comfortable.

[Umiko]

well i'll give my time one more shot but if this doesnt work than i'm literally doomed

[Jess42]

well i'll give my time one more shot but if this doesnt work than i'm literally doomed

I feel so bad for you. Please before you do anything like that talk to me. You can PM me anytime. It may take awhile to get back to you on weekends and at nights, with music it kind of limits my time during these times, but I will definately try to help you the best I can. Remember the whole age/experience thing OK?

[Umiko]

i'm still highly unsure if my endo even wants a letter though she does want to know that i'm cleared and mentally prepared to start HRT

[Jess42]

i'm still highly unsure if my endo even wants a letter though she does want to know that i'm cleared and mentally prepared to start HRT

Yeah, she will probably want a letter. Especially about the mentally prepared part. Please don't get mad at me but try to calm down, again don't get mad at me but think that if this is something you truly want to do. Girls can tell each other to calm down without getting hysterical. Then put it in your mind that it is, if it is something that you are ready for and reassure yourself that you are making the right decision and in therapy have and show resolve that you are ready to your therapist. It's all psychology Umiko and the more you seem sure about it and less upset and or confused the more your therapist will pick up on it. They usually analyse your body language, little things you may say, making eye contact and so on. I have faith in you and you just need that same faith in yourself.

[Umiko]

Yeah, she will probably want a letter. Especially about the mentally prepared part. Please don't get mad at me but try to calm down, again don't get mad at me but think that if this is something you truly want to do. Girls can tell each other to calm down without getting hysterical. Then put it in your mind that it is, if it is something that you are ready for and reassure yourself that you are making the right decision and in therapy have and show resolve that you are ready to your therapist. It's all psychology Umiko and the more you seem sure about it and less upset and or confused the more your therapist will pick up on it. They usually analyse your body language, little things you may say, making eye contact and so on. I have faith in you and you just need that same faith in yourself.

well if its body language and speech they analyze, i already have the boxed checked. i'm contemplating going back to my old therapist and asking for a letter, though i'm sure he would wanted me to take a little more time but due to the insurance thing, i couldnt tell him that i've made up my mind about what i was going to do and begin to make my transition preparations first before asking for the letter, but i couldnt and right now my mental state is crumbling becuz i'm not sure if i can still get a letter from my side therapist or if i have to go back and ask my actually gender therapist. my current state is due to the whole therapy discontinuation and there is no gender therapist in my area or the LGBT groups within walking distance since i dont drive nor do i want to, my mother is to busy to drive me and the buses and trains would take to long to get there

[Jess42]

well if its body language and speech they analyze, i already have the boxed checked. i'm contemplating going back to my old therapist and asking for a letter, though i'm sure he would wanted me to take a little more time but due to the insurance thing, i couldnt tell him that i've made up my mind about what i was going to do and begin to make my transition preparations first before asking for the letter, but i couldnt and right now my mental state is crumbling becuz i'm not sure if i can still get a letter from my side therapist or if i have to go back and ask my actually gender therapist. my current state is due to the whole therapy discontinuation and there is no gender therapist in my area or the LGBT groups within walking distance since i dont drive nor do i want to, my mother is to busy to drive me and the buses and trains would take to long to get there

Ask your old therapist. All he could say is no so prepare yourself but he may say yes. I know about crumbling mental states, just try to stay on the positive side. I got stories that would give you nightmares and I made it through. I'm really one to say this but just hang tough in there and don't let the world or whoever else bring you down.

[Umiko]

he does indeed believe me thats why he had me go exploring though they end up backfiring its just i wasnt ready to admit to myself and when i did some deep thinking over the course of 2 weeks, i came to realize that this is in fact something i need to do and it became a life or death situtation due to the severity of my dysphoric attacks ive been having for the past year or so, its just these last 4 were far from normal becuz they nearly got me hit by a car, almost knocked me off a cliff, almost fell down 3 flights of stairs, and my heart stopped for few seconds. i just dont know what to do but to ask my side therapist and see what he can do. if that falls than, well....idk

[Jess42]

Then I would definately ask my old therapist for a letter and ask your side therapist. If you are sure you are ready and it does sound like it, reassure them that you are. I think you may be closer than you think and like I said just keep a positive outlook. Or at least try your best 'cause dysphoria is a bitch. I have never really experienced it on a really bad level but it is definately getting stronger on me. So I can just imagine what you are going through.

[Umiko]

Then I would definately ask my old therapist for a letter and ask your side therapist. If you are sure you are ready and it does sound like it, reassure them that you are. I think you may be closer than you think and like I said just keep a positive outlook. Or at least try your best 'cause dysphoria is a bitch. I have never really experienced it on a really bad level but it is definately getting stronger on me. So I can just imagine what you are going through.

i see dysphoric attacks as attacks based of how strongly your feelings are, but in my case, that principle doesnt apply to me for some reason. idk, i never was a male to begin with and becuz of my agreeable and neutral nature, it never really occurred to me until my late teens thus when the attacks starting happening. i've been trying to figure out which dysphoria i have. is it body, mental or social? if i can deduce that than i can give my therapist an accurate answer becuz thats really what they are waiting for

[Jess42]

i see dysphoric attacks as attacks based of how strongly your feelings are, but in my case, that principle doesnt apply to me for some reason. idk, i never was a male to begin with and becuz of my agreeable and neutral nature, it never really occurred to me until my late teens thus when the attacks starting happening. i've been trying to figure out which dysphoria i have. is it body, mental or social? if i can deduce that than i can give my therapist an accurate answer becuz thats really what they are waiting for

Has it ever occured to you or your therapist that it could be a combination of all three? Or something that isn't even the three that may be the root problem. Me for instance I have social anxiety, I am totally a different person in social situations than I am in real life. I have to be or I couldn't function in social situations. This is due to me having and introverted personality and that introversion I believe stems from being transgender. Like you I never was male or at least a real male to begin with. Hell I started growing little buds when the girls my age did that turned into little A cups. That totally different person that I use for social crap. That was full blown alpha male devil may care persona and in younger days I had a lot of relations with girls to keep up the illusion if you know what I mean and never had any children. With guys I know why I never got pregnant, joke of course . I do know I have low t levels and so on and probably had lower than normal T levels all of my life which is why I developed female like hands and feet, Freaking lovehandles that will not go away because there is actuall bone under there and a higher than normal male voice.

So in relation to the three, I have always had the social and mental parts and now I am starting to experience the body part. I still hide it really well but at times just feel like screaming about it at the top of my lungs. So it could verywell be a combination of all three.

[Umiko]

Has it ever occured to you or your therapist that it could be a combination of all three? Or something that isn't even the three that may be the root problem. Me for instance I have social anxiety, I am totally a different person in social situations than I am in real life. I have to be or I couldn't function in social situations. This is due to me having and introverted personality and that introversion I believe stems from being transgender. Like you I never was male or at least a real male to begin with. Hell I started growing little buds when the girls my age did that turned into little A cups. That totally different person that I use for social crap. That was full blown alpha male devil may care persona and in younger days I had a lot of relations with girls to keep up the illusion if you know what I mean and never had any children. With guys I know why I never got pregnant, joke of course . I do know I have low t levels and so on and probably had lower than normal T levels all of my life which is why I developed female like hands and feet, Freaking lovehandles that will not go away because there is actuall bone under there and a higher than normal male voice.

So in relation to the three, I have always had the social and mental parts and now I am starting to experience the body part. I still hide it really well but at times just feel like screaming about it at the top of my lungs. So it could verywell be a combination of all three.

ah, if its all three than, well, i need to transition asap becuz i did have thoughts of going gonzo once again. but no, it never occurred to me but i knew being trans was the root of all my anxiety, depression, self-harm behavior, pill popping and my wild imaginations as they would call it. i dont have the average strength of a cis male, my voice is andro even though its more natural for me to keep it at the higher end, which gets people asking " why dont you just talk in your normal voice" its pretty irritating so i just make up the excuse talking in a lower voice makes my throat scratchy. but my therapist is just waiting for that answer so now that i have it, maybe i can get my side therapist to help me out though  he has very little experience but does seem to be competent in the area