i feel cold, numb and dead

[Jess42]

ah, if its all three than, well, i need to transition asap becuz i did have thoughts of going gonzo once again. but no, it never occurred to me but i knew being trans was the root of all my anxiety, depression, self-harm behavior, pill popping and my wild imaginations as they would call it. i dont have the average strength of a cis male, my voice is andro even though its more natural for me to keep it at the higher end, which gets people asking " why dont you just talk in your normal voice" its pretty irritating so i just make up the excuse talking in a lower voice makes my throat scratchy. but my therapist is just waiting for that answer so now that i have it, maybe i can get my side therapist to help me out though  he has very little experience but does seem to be competent in the area

Ahh that voice. I actually have to consciously lower mine especially on the telephone talking to customers or people I know I will see later, other than that they can call me Ma'am anytime. Just bring that up next time in therapy that all these problems are connected and see how they think of that.

[Umiko]

Ahh that voice. I actually have to consciously lower mine especially on the telephone talking to customers or people I know I will see later, other than that they can call me Ma'am anytime. Just bring that up next time in therapy that all these problems are connected and see how they think of that.

i have tried, my old therapist just said go out and experiment more. i did as he said and those things nearly got me killed becuz my dysphoria ran me into the pavement. i did have do them in my stealth mode and i felt better but i still have issues becuz well, simply, i dont have boobs and that alone is enough to make me wanna break my mirror 

[Jess42]

i have tried, my old therapist just said go out and experiment more. i did as he said and those things nearly got me killed becuz my dysphoria ran me into the pavement. i did have do them in my stealth mode and i felt better but i still have issues becuz well, simply, i dont have boobs and that alone is enough to make me wanna break my mirror 

You don't have to have boobs hon. Look at Milla Jevovich I would die to look exactly like her and my boobs are bigger than hers. Do like all girls do at one time or another, stuff your bra. I have very few boy family members and they were so much older than me and a lot of girl family members around my age so I actually grew up knowing more about girly things than boy things and this probably allowed me to grow up in a more girly atmosphere. In a way I was lucky in that aspect. BTW you break a mirror and seven years of bad luck so by all means don't break the mirror.

[Umiko]

You don't have to have boobs hon. Look at Milla Jevovich I would die to look exactly like her and my boobs are bigger than hers. Do like all girls do at one time or another, stuff your bra. I have very few boy family members and they were so much older than me and a lot of girl family members around my age so I actually grew up knowing more about girly things than boy things and this probably allowed me to grow up in a more girly atmosphere. In a way I was lucky in that aspect. BTW you break a mirror and seven years of bad luck so by all means don't break the mirror.

haha, i'm not superstitious. i cant go swimming this summer which is very upsetting. really love swimming and wasnt able to for the past 2 years. well monday, imma ask my therapist his thoughts than imma try and spring the letter question on him. i really do need to contact my endo becuz i'm getting the feeling she wants my pcp and my psych to give the clearance more than a letter from a therapist 

[Jess42]

haha, i'm not superstitious. i cant go swimming this summer which is very upsetting. really love swimming and wasnt able to for the past 2 years. well monday, imma ask my therapist his thoughts than imma try and spring the letter question on him. i really do need to contact my endo becuz i'm getting the feeling she wants my pcp and my psych to give the clearance more than a letter from a therapist 

Be very careful, superstitions may not be real but just in case.

As for you liking to swim, that kind of sux but I don't care for swimming, actually can't swim but I do hate tan lines so I have a private backyard and sunbathe in a manner that doesn't create tan lines. Kind of leary about Google Earth but if there are that many people with nothing better to do than search for people doing private things, well I'll just give 'em a little show and hope they enjoy.

[Umiko]

Be very careful, superstitions may not be real but just in case.

As for you liking to swim, that kind of sux but I don't care for swimming, actually can't swim but I do hate tan lines so I have a private backyard and sunbathe in a manner that doesn't create tan lines. Kind of leary about Google Earth but if there are that many people with nothing better to do than search for people doing private things, well I'll just give 'em a little show and hope they enjoy.

being in the water is like leaving the world behind and jumping into my own space. if the only thing in this world that has enough power so to speak to soothe me and calm me down. people call me a fish even though i can swim but not that well xD

[Jess42]

being in the water is like leaving the world behind and jumping into my own space. if the only thing in this world that has enough power so to speak to soothe me and calm me down. people call me a fish even though i can swim but not that well xD

Being in the water deep enough that my feet can't touch, I would definately be leaving this world, hon. In a body bag. If it is shallow enough to where I can crouch down, I get what you are saying 'casue it is extrememly soothing.

[Umiko]

Being in the water deep enough that my feet can't touch, I would definately be leaving this world, hon. In a body bag. If it is shallow enough to where I can crouch down, I get what you are saying 'casue it is extrememly soothing.

HAHA! that funny. its not that bad. i cant stay in the shallow area. i must be in the deep area xD well once i figure out my letter situation, i'll get my doctor to clear me than off to the endo i go

[Jess42]

HAHA! that funny. its not that bad. i cant stay in the shallow area. i must be in the deep area xD well once i figure out my letter situation, i'll get my doctor to clear me than off to the endo i go

Sounds like you are in a little better mood? You got any friends that drive. I don't know what area you live in but I grew up kind of out in the country where there were plenty of places to swim privately. Me and my boyfriend at the time would go there and have the whole pond to ourselves. Of course I did not swim and if I go out too far I figured he would save me so no worries. He even tried to teach me to swim but it never worked. actually I might have learned but him holding me up in the water with his arms was way more fun than trying to learn to swim.

[Umiko]

Sounds like you are in a little better mood? You got any friends that drive. I don't know what area you live in but I grew up kind of out in the country where there were plenty of places to swim privately. Me and my boyfriend at the time would go there and have the whole pond to ourselves. Of course I did not swim and if I go out too far I figured he would save me so no worries. He even tried to teach me to swim but it never worked.

i can always go to sandy hook or point pleasant beach but, i would only be able to get my feet wet *tear* usually my family goes to the beach during the summer time or i can try and work at the local camp and go with them. just need to hope next summer comes quick so i can go swimming xD and i am feeling a little better though i'm concerned that i'd have to wait a lifetime to get that pesky letter

[Jess42]

I don't think you'll have to wait that long. Look at me I am older and just now seriously thinking about it.

[Umiko]

well i'll see what happens monday. i'm just still concerned my secondary therapist wont be able to write me the letter i need though he is competent and can tell mental illness from dysphoria seeing as he works in an outpatient psychiatric facility

[Jess42]

well i'll see what happens monday. i'm just still concerned my secondary therapist wont be able to write me the letter i need though he is competent and can tell mental illness from dysphoria seeing as he works in an outpatient psychiatric facility

Well Umiko, I really wish you luck. Let us know Monday how it goes. Does he know about the cutting? That please don't do, if you feel you need to let bad mojo out, curse me, curse at me, if we were face to face I'd even let you punch me, in the arm of course covered by a pillow, until you get it all out. I promise nothing offends me. I had a cousin that used to cut herself and it really used to break my heart. I used to let her beat the crap out of me, of course with plenty of padding, and curse me lower than life and let all her pent up agression be aimed at me. It may not help you but it seemed to help her quite a bit.

[Umiko]

Well Umiko, I really wish you luck. Let us know Monday how it goes. Does he know about the cutting? That please don't do, if you feel you need to let bad mojo out, curse me, curse at me, if we were face to face I'd even let you punch me, in the arm of course covered by a pillow, until you get it all out. I promise nothing offends me. I had a cousin that used to cut herself and it really used to break my heart. I used to let her beat the crap out of me, of course with plenty of padding, and curse me lower than life and let all her pent up agression be aimed at me. It may not help you but it seemed to help her quite a bit.

yea, he knows about my cutting, burning, pill popping, attempts to self castrate and the other thing, plus he has my records from my stays at the hospital, counseling, and my psychiatrist's notes and medication regimen. i'm just hoping he can write my letter even though he isnt apart of the WPATH society. and i'd never do that becuz not only does it ignite my sadistic nature but becuz i hate hurting other people, it degrades myself when if i inflict either physical or mental pain even if you have pads on or has hard as a rock in an emotional sense. i'm a lover not a fighter lol. i figured out that i was only self harming becuz i wasnt accepting myself and i hated myself for not accepting myself so working on self acceptance is wats keeping me from hurting myself

[Jess42]

yea, he knows about my cutting, burning, pill popping, attempts to self castrate and the other thing, plus he has my records from my stays at the hospital, counseling, and my psychiatrist's notes and medication regimen. i'm just hoping he can write my letter even though he isnt apart of the WPATH society. and i'd never do that becuz not only does it ignite my sadistic nature but becuz i hate hurting other people, it degrades myself when if i inflict either physical or mental pain even if you have pads on or has hard as a rock in an emotional sense. i'm a lover not a fighter lol. i figured out that i was only self harming becuz i wasnt accepting myself and i hated myself for not accepting myself so working on self acceptance is wats keeping me from hurting myself

Self acceptance is the number one thing. Work on it most definately. I could care less if the rest of society accept me but I definately want, need and have to accept myself.

[Umiko]

Self acceptance is the number one thing. Work on it most definately. I could care less if the rest of society accept me but I definately want, need and have to accept myself.

i know. screw society but society is still kicking my butt so i need to conform just a little so i can survive just until i go full time than i can say "later suckers!" xD

[Jess42]

i know. screw society but society is still kicking my butt so i need to conform just a little so i can survive just until i go full time than i can say "later suckers!" xD

Now that is the attitude. ATTITUDE, sister. Don't let it kick you in the but though and conform just enough. I gotta so I probably won't be on here much this weekend but definately let me know how things go monday and I'll have my fibers crossed.

[Umiko]

Now that is the attitude. ATTITUDE, sister. Don't let it kick you in the but though and conform just enough. I gotta so I probably won't be on here much this weekend but definately let me know how things go monday and I'll have my fibers crossed.

k, thanx oneechan and i'll let you know monday

[Jess42]

I meant fingers Umiko, just in case. Jeesh, getting ready to jam a little tonight with some friends and had two beers and have no idea what crossing fibers are. Already gonna be a rough night trying to hit all the right notes. Again good luck hon, I'll be thinking and sending you all the good luck I can.

[Umiko]

lets face it, i was ok all day yesterday than towards the end i started hiding behind my sweater sleeve. than maybe around 8 i started getting depressed and than i almost broke down crying and now i'm stuck in this funk. idk whats wrong this time but its really upsetting. even had my mom give me the "are you unhappy speech." seems like my emotions are becoming more obvious. i'm suppose to be an impenetrable, non emotional being but i just keep crumbling. i just dont know what to do anymore. am i really that unhappy or is it just something else going on? trying to keep my composure for just a little bit