coming out to yourself

[Laurenza]

so i have a unique hurdle i find myself getting stuck at again and again, which is the definitive coming out to myself.

ive been an avid crossdresser my entire adult life. its never been anything sexual or erotic, its been something i did from habit, after a stressful day at work, when i wanted to relax and be myself..

these needs to crossdress have evolved over the last 3-4 years into an intensity that im in the wrong body and that i need to transition (so whats my problem right?)
so my problem is that i seem to roll in cycles, i feel trans for a few months, then one day have a spout of supposed "clarity" and feel my old self again to only have the trans feelings roll back in a couple of weeks later.

i dont think i would have a problem telling my folks and my family, ive had brief discussions with them when i first started seeing a psych about a number of issues (such as depressions etc). i just seem to not be able to accept that i am trans or that i might be.

i seem to have overwhelming proof (as does the doc and the psych) that i am trans but i just cant accept it. even being on starter level hormones for a month and having blissful mental clarity for the first time in a long time, i just cant accept that this is who i really am..

has anyone else had this, where they cant accept it? and how did you overcome it? (i know ymmv, but i learn from others experiences)

i strongly feel that once i can accept this and overcome this last mental block, that i will naturally flow from strength to strength and become such a happy camper and a great person as i grow into who i am meant to be. its just bloody frustrating >.<

thanks

[JulieBlair]

Yep,  Accepting, that for me, transition was pretty much the only path to authenticity and maybe happiness took the better part of forty years.  I know of few groups of people who, as a class, can compartmentalize their lives as well as we seem to be able to.  It took an enormous leap of faith for me to accept myself, to realize that becoming something new was not a betrayal to anyone, that becoming Julie was neither wrong nor undesirable.

So at the age of fifty-nine I did the research, used the heaviest phone in the history of humankind to call for help, and began to seek myself.  A lot of my "spouts of clarity" had to do with coming to grips with the costs of transition.  I was a reasonably successful guy. I had friends, wives, children, education, responsibility, work, all of which were put at risk, much of which I had to eventually let go.  This has cost me almost more than I can bear.  The only reason to finally do it was that the cost of not doing so was even higher.  Sometimes late at night I still lie there questioning my decisions.  Pretty dumb, that train left the station a long time ago, and is way out of sight.

So, can you reconcile the cost of living authentically with the cost of living cloistered?  That really is a difficult question for some of us; for me.  I chose life, when you are ready you are ready, not before.  Medical opinion be damned, it is a personal life changing and existential  series of decisions and, and you really, really, have to be informed and committed to this path to follow it into wonderland.

When you know enough, are brave enough, and are desperate enough, you will know.

Happy cogitating,

Julie

[helen2010]

Laurenza

Knowing and accepting yourself is difficult.  For many of us this is an ongoing project.  Moving from accepting and loving yourself to expressing this in all guises - emotionally, hormonally, appearance, dress, mannerism, physical modification et al becomes a further challenge.  You may find that you fit neatly as opposite to your birth gender or you may find that you start to move through non binary expression(s), oscillate, experiment and then sit for a while.   There is no timeline, the only measure of success is your measure ... Have you found the right place for you at this particular point in time?

If you view this journey as more important than arriving at a pre determined destination then you may find self-acceptance a whole lot easier and a lot less scary.  Authenticity may require complete, disruptive, yet transformational change or it may require much less than this - a broader vocabulary, more nuanced and fluid expression; either way take a step.  If you like the view and it seems to be a compelling path take another step. 

Find a good therapist, good support and go easy on yourself.  As Julie says we are masters at compartmentalising and boxing our feelings, we do overthink things.   Living a little, being kind to yourself and moving forward is a good thing and is very good for the soul.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jill F]

I didn't want to accept it at first either.  I avoided thinking about it for most of my life, denied it, suppressed it and rammed it down hard until it damned near killed me.  The dysphoria monster finally took center stage at age 43 and consumed me to where I'd spend all day in a fetal position crying with a teddy bear and all night blotto drunk.  I didn't want to be a transsexual.  Nobody does.  Fear of the unknown was killing me.  I didn't know what the consequences would be, and for all I knew, I'd lose everything and everybody.  I thought I'd make a big, fat, hideous, hopeless caricature of a woman at best.  I started to wear women's clothes for the first time and it really did make me feel a bit better.  I told my wife that I felt like a woman sometimes, and she took it pretty well.   She knew I was depressed and probably suicidal for a long time but had no clue what my problem was.  I didn't want to have to transition though because I feared it would make things even worse for me.

One day when I was thinking dark thoughts, I finally got the nerve to call a therapist.  She had me pegged immediately as transgender and told me what I didn't want to hear.  I needed antidepressants, antianxiety meds and OMG, a bit of estrogen.   I really didn't want to take estrogen because that's what transsexuals take.   I always thought I should have breasts, but I feared the social fallout and potential for rejection.  I reluctantly went to the endocrinologist, got a prescription for a therapeutic dose of estrogen and hoped to prove my therapist wrong.  I hoped the estrogen would make things worse, and that I was really maybe just a weirdo or some kind of pervert.  I took the estrogen, and OMG, the sh*tstorm in my head turned into a gentle breeze.  My head was clear for the first time since I was about 12.  Oh crap, I really am transgender.  It turned out that most of my fears were unfounded and things got better for me with every passing day.   Even if I did lose everything and everyone, I am not that miserable guy anymore and I am happy to finally be the real me.  Some sober introspection and working things thorough on the antidepressants really helped me to learn to love myself the way I am.  I was able to let go of a lot of baggage and finally be happy.   I eventually got off of all meds except for HRT and decided to make a full transition.   Happy girl or miserable guy?  It was a process to arrive there, but I'm so glad I did.

[DiDi]

Like you, my degree of gender dysphoria varies dependent on life's stressors and anxiety. I am starting to work on measures to manage my anxiety and stress better to help me determine how important and how much I wish to change my gender expression. I am still early days with this and don't know the outcome but IRL, we all need to manage our stressors as well as we can, so it won't be wasted effort. Don't know if my plan resonates with you but I thought I would share.

[Laurenza]

Thank you all for such beautiful insight and stories.

I know I am too harsh on myself and this huge urge to be happy, truely happy, is such a driving force that maybe I am making the mistake of trying to rush something.

I agree that it will all happen at the right time, when I am ready. I guess it takes someone else to state the obvious for it to sink in.

Wow! Who knew self love was such a complex concept. :-)

For now I will focus on what I can accept. Let that settle is as "default" and not try to hide it. I'm sure once I work through that, the rest will fall into place.

I hope, acceptance is hard and I think I am my biggest hurdle.

Thanks for the love xx <3

[Ravensong]

Thank all ya'll for your input and Laurenza for the OP.  I am going through the same thing.  I have a hard time accepting myself and always have.  In my primary job, my weekly overtime requires me to be pretty masculine to perform my job (nightclub area security for a casino resort) and I think that having to bury my feminine tendencies and feelings to perform my job is not helping.  To top it off, I know my stress is through the roof.  Between finding and accepting myself as transgender, working 70+ hours a week with no day off anymore, and my family (wife and daughters) living halfway across the country from me, my stress is killing me.

[helen2010]

DiDi and Ravensong

There is no doubt that, pre low dose hrt, stress always caused my dysphoria to explode.  I have not found an explanation except that under stress, normally work related, I relied on and reverted to my male mode, and perhaps my dysphoria was my psyche just pushing back in protest!

Aisla

[Laurenza]

i agree stress is a major factor in finding difficulty in accepting who we truely are. just imagine how stressful it is lying to ourself and the world.
not to mention the expectations of others and society that we be our birth gender and act a certain way! if only we could share our mental state with cis people, then they would understand our pain

my stress has been through the roof for a long time that its taken a toll on my health (got blood tests done recently and apparently my cortisol was almost double the max recommended level!!). doc has said i need to find relaxing hobbies such as meditation and yoga, when deep down i know transitioning will be the biggest stress relief ever!

just because we know something, doesnt make it any easier hey!


if anyone has any advice on self acceptance i would love to hear it

[Laurenza]

ps Ravensong and everyone else, big hugs for you all.

i hope when you finally find that self love you are looking for, that inner you bursts forth in lots of happiness and joy xx

[Ravensong]

   Thank you!

[Jen72]

Jill thank you so much for what you have written its sounds a lot like me yet more open to possibility of being transgender.  At this stage I am just confused as hell but I keep reading things that OMG that's me on the inside and wonder if this is what I finally need to kick my tush into gear with something in my life.  Which btw is going nowhere but have learned a few things in life such as once its done its done you just can not change the past so live with it.  As well my mother always taught me to look at the other side of the topic before you decide what to do and this has applied to soo many things in life.  I just have to thank you all for the information that is truly inspiring and probably not easy to write out!:)

[HellsbellsMio]

I've also felt a great resistance to admitting to myself that I'm transgender (FtM). To be totaly honest I didn't fully realise it until just a few weeks ago, and I'm still kind of having a hard time accepting that I acctually finally accepted it, if you get my meaning? But when the thougt landed, wow. It explains so much. I've spent the last 10 years (I'm 26 now) constantly dealing with an unexplained underlying stress, re-ocurring depressions and anxiety, having really bad realtionships both romantic and with friends... Feeling like a wolf in sheeps clothing when with girls or as an obvious intruder in the places I felt should be most at home when with guys. I've gone from believing I was straight to thinking I was lesbian (more at home with the guys that way), to asexual (only explenation, I thought), to pansexual or maybe asexual panromantic? But I've always been drawn to gay men, whats up with that? Maybe I was genderqueer, asexual and romantically attracted to queer guys all at once? Well, turns out I'm "simply" a transguy who's mostly gay and on some rare occations pan. Compared to all the identity crises I've been trough so far, the end "result" acctually is quite simple.

I really do agree with Aisla, for some of us it might bee an exploratory journey, not a direct walk from A to B. I probably wouldn't have accepted it without going trough all my own small steps to get there. One thing I've noticed when it comes to finding yourself in generall, is that the stronger resistance you feel towards something, the more important it is to let just that thing go. With every one of my steps the resistance I felt towards the ideas of who I might be just grew stronger. Beeing lesbian, well, I didn't want it, but it "worked". Beeing asexual, hell no I really didn't want that to be "it", and so on. It got worst when I started to consider me being trans. But when I reached the top of that hill, I suddenly realised I could see what was ahed, I know what I have to do and what I "have to work with". I can stop looking so hard for whats wrong, and start taking care of whats really me, even if it's hard, at least I'm going trough it in the spirit of loving and accepting myself as I am, how could that ever be wrong? It defintetly has to beat going trough life strugling with Not loving and accepting oneself, if I'm to suffer from time to time, I rather do it for the right reasons, and with the possibility of it getting better.


Laurenza (and everyone else), here's a tip for a place to look for help on the way of self acceptance:

The spiritual catalyst (youtube channel namne) has some great videos where she talks about self acceptance, self love, handling anxiety, healing emotional wounds and so on. Even if you're not interested in the spiritual aspects, it's still some really good advice, thoughts and support in what she has to say. The video "Self Love -The Great Shortcut to Enlightenment - Teal Swan", for example, is about asking oneself the question "what would someone who loved themself do?" when faced with a choice or decison. She also has a video on transgender, wether what she says in that is right or wrong I think depends on who listens to it. Hope you, or anyone in need for some support in re-learning self love gives her videos a go, as I said, look past the spiritual talk if that isn't for you, the important message is there anyway.
(ps: don't know her or anything, just something I found helpful on youtube)

[Laurenza]

i definitely agree also that its an exploratory journey and that it doesnt matter how you travel that journey.

i am finding a lot more acceptance of myself and where im at, and its surprising how powerful the human mind can be because i can directly relate my decline in stress levels and medical issues with the ongoing acceptance of self.

while i am partially jealous of the people that seem to go straight into hrt, im a lot more happy with the progress i am making in getting to know the real me. she has been locked away for so long i almost didnt know how to talk to her  now we are becoming great friends and I appreciate everyone of you sharing your stories. in a world where we are always comparing ourselves to others, its nice to know im not alone in going through all this, and that we can share the love a bit

[kelly_aus]

Self-acceptance for me came with a bang. And it all started with a guy saying to me, 'Who do you think you are fooling, apart from yourself?'. I'd only just met him, he didn't really know me, but he could see right through me. Some fairly careful conversations with some friends also showed me that I was considered incredibly fem by most.. At which point, I realised I really had only been fooling myself and with that came the beginnings of self acceptance. About 3 months later I came out and started to transition.

[LizMarie]

No, Laurenza, no, no, no, no, no...

We all resisted this. I came to the brink of taking my own life before I faced it. Over 41% of us do try to take our own lives rather than deal with this. Please do not wait for it to "happen" because so many other bad things can happen in between.

You don't have to transition. You don't have to do HRT. Some people don't. Lots of us do. But everyone who faces this is better off than those who don't. If you don't directly come to grips with this, it may sneak up on you and steal your very life. Don't let it do that. Work with a therapist specifically on this issue. Open up to one. Talk about it and get it into the open with a professional.

But please don't let this fester assuming it will all turn out ok. For far too many of us it doesn't turn out ok and I'd rather not discover someday that you were one of those.

[helen2010]

Laurenza

I have a slightly different take to LizMarie.  While I agree that you need to address this issue, you appear to be in a good space and happy with your progress. Speed, direction and nature of your journey need to be your decision as it is your journey and your life. Our narratives may not be relevant to you but most of us have found significant benefit in support groups and working with a good gender therapist

Safe travels

Aisla

[Laurenza]

ooooh i think i should clear that up. i think there has been a miscommunication

im not suicidal or anything and nothing is festering (tho i do love it how we all care for each other here...how awesome is that! ), ive been seeing a therapist for almost two years and got my hrt letter back in april (my biggest issue is finding a trans friendly doc in my area but thats a looong story). im just taking it all in my stride tho, the therapist is helping heaps and i feel my life is getting on track and i have direction and purpose (finally).

what im getting at with this post is: while its easy to get swept up in the 'therapy/hrt feels good' ride (and i can quite easily sit back and let it all happen), there is a part of me that can throw out the 2 years of therapy and progress made there and just stick my head in the sand and say 'i dont feel trans (today/this hour/this minute) therefor the whole 10+yrs of feeling this way is just me being silly'...
for me (and my ex can testify to this) when i have just ONE good day, i can easily shrug off ALLLLL the bad days and stubbornly say "i dont really need the help"!

coming out to myself is just working out how to do abit of self love and self accepting deep down that this is happening and im finally free and dont need to burry these feels anymore

so what i meant with my last post was that while im waiting to find the doctor of my dreams  im going to get to know the girl inside, discover who she is, so im more a whole person rather than the 'him VS her' or either/or situation.... clear as mud?

[traci_k]

Laurenza, I think many of us have those days when we don't feel so Trans and we feel okay, but we have more of those days when the GD feels out of control and incredibly painful. We want to hold on to what we have and feel better. I can really relate to Julie because I'm 59, wife and child and tight finances. I've accepted that I'm trans, yet can't make the leap of faith that I'll feel better beginning the transition and losing a lot - i.e. my family. My wife couldn't be any more negative. Accepting the fact that I was Trans did bring some relief, but then comes the question, what to do and how to do it? I to have a recommendation from my therapist for beginning HRT but I know the day that happens, I lose a lot. Once you accept yourself as Trans you may feel some relief. The question then becomes are you ready for the leap of faith to begin doing something about it so you may actually have some feel "good" days instead of just okay or miserable.Life will always be a struggle, but how much longer can we go on feeling miserable?

Wishing you the best,

hugs,

Traci

[Dee Marshall]

The question then becomes are you ready for the leap of faith to begin doing something about it so you may actually have some feel "good" days instead of just okay or miserable.....

Traci

And there, I've found, the real dysphoria hits. You've given in, agreed you're trans, and that there are real, dramatic, life changing things that have to happen and there you hang in limbo, because none of them happen fast enough. Perhaps you begin to doubt again.

I've heard that HRT puts you in a second puberty. I'm here to tell you that admitting you're trans puts you in a second childhood because all I can seem to do is say "are we there yet" or pout "if we don't get there soon I don't want to go anymore!"

Am I right?