What should I do about this depression (that is getting worse)?

[lavini557]

My parents, being in complete denial (even after trying to educate them), have prevented me from being able to transition medically and socially. I kind of gave up on trying to convince them to let me transition...so I have tried to handle my dysphoria and my depression until I graduate from high school.

Unfortunately...I think it is getting bad. Really bad.

My relationship with my parents have gone utterly downhill. I don't want to interact with them anymore - period. If I do, I get seriously angry (it's not even necessarily because they said something - the fact that they are interacting with me makes me agitated and angry). It doesn't help that my dad keeps trying to spend time with me and have a "father-son time" to bond together or something like that. I can understand why he's doing this, but whenever he tries to do this, I get really angry and frustrated, and it is really hard to keep myself from yelling or something.

My list of interests has also gone down to...nothing. I hate everything I used to like. When I tried to go back to my interests early on in my depression, I seemed to end up enjoying it anyway (even if I didn't want to do it in the first place). When I try to go back to them now, I just get really mad and just don't feel like doing it anymore. In fact...I really don't want to do anything. However, doing nothing has just led me to end up in this daydreaming state. The daydreams aren't really an idealistic fantasy of rainbows and unicorns or something like that, but they all have something in common: I would do anything to be a biological female. This daydreaming thing probably keeps happening (and it has happened way more often recently) because I feel as though my real life is...well, sh**. Daydreaming seems to me like my way of running away from reality. The problem is that it just makes me feel even more like sh** because I don't want to live in this reality I'm in when I could be experiencing another reality. This even happens at school, especially if I'm bored (which is probably why it seems to happen a lot in my history class )

I also feel physically sick. I get a lot of headaches. I don't know if it's migraines, but I don't think they are. However, my headaches hurt a lot, and it doesn't stop for a long time. I also have had a lot of nosebleeds lately. I always feel sick for some reason, too - as though I have a cold or something. I don't know if my depression is because of this, but I have noticed these things happened more as my depression seems to get worse.

I don't even want to talk to anyone. Not my family, not my friends (I keep it to a bare minimum)...not even my counselor. Nobody. I don't want to be with anybody. I just want to stay home and do absolutely nothing.

Also, I don't find the point in anything anymore. What's the point in eating, or doing my homework, or talking to people, or..anything, really? I still eat, do homework, talk to people (but to a bare minimum), and other things, but I feel as though I am doing it just to get by. Not because I want to, but I have to. This is why it's really hard to do things like homework - I don't want to do it, but I have to. It feels forced, and I question its necessity in my life.

Does anyone have any advice about what I should do? I feel alone...

[Ms Grace]

Lavini, you're in a terrible spot - some of those things stacked against you are things you probably won't be able to change. Some of those things you have more control over and are inflicting on yourself.

Cutting yourself off from the world and your friends will make you feel incredibly isolated and alone. That is a bad place to be. The longer you reinforce it the harder it will be to find your way back. People are people, they may be friends but they will only take so much of being pushed away before they stop trying and will walk away. So stop pushing them away. Speak to that counsellor you say you hardly speak to any more, how can they help if you don't let them? They can help to deal with your depression, which might need to be done through medication...often we need a circuit breaker from the downward spiral and something like anti-depressants can often be the only way to achieve it.

You have a lot of grief you need to get out. The less you speak the more it builds up inside you and weighs you down. The grief of not being born a genetic woman is a heartbreaking thing. You can't change the fact you weren't but the grief needs to be expressed. Don't lay it on your friends or family, again that is what the counsellor is for.

There are ways and means to change your gender, but until your parents change their mind or you become legally independent of them then your options are limited. You actually do have your whole life ahead of you, it seems grim at the moment, but it need not be that way. Talk to your counsellor about your anger, dysphoria and depression, get treatment for it. Reconnect with your friends before they walk away for good. If you don't like your former hobbies get new ones. Find new friends! Know that even though you feel you are trapped in the wrong gender there is a light at the end of the tunnel that comes with good grades, self direction and independence. I just really hope you can hang in there.

Hugs.

[Cindy]

Lavini, talk to LifeLine or a similar organisation, severe depression needs to be handled before we plunge into further despair

[Tysilio]

Lavini, talk to LifeLine or a similar organisation, severe depression needs to be handled before we plunge into further despair

This, in spades.

Lavini, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been a while, but I remember so well what it was like to feel that way, unable to trust my parents, isolating myself from everyone, unable to enjoy much of anything.

But I have to disagree with Grace when she says that you're inflicting some of this on yourself. It's not you, it's the depression, and you are in no way at fault for that -- it's the nature of the beast, and a filthy nasty beast it is. That said, there are things you can do: the first is to reach out to someone, anyone, and just say "I can't handle this by myself." I know from experience how hard that is: a couple of years ago I so depressed that I was close to killing myself, and the shame I felt was so massive that I just hid it from the people I was close to... until it got to where that just didn't work. There's no shame in not being able to suck it up and do it all on your own -- it just makes you human, and we're all in the same boat: we need each other to survive all the time, but some times more than others.

If it feels impossible to talk to someone you know, the Trevor Project would be a good place to start -- they're an organization that specializes in helping LBGTQ youth, and they have a lot of resources: a phone hotline, chat and text resources, and a social networking site.

Also, since you're having some physical symptoms, a trip to the doctor wouldn't hurt. You may have something going on that's contributing to your depression (not that what you're dealing with at home isn't enough!), and if you're comfortable talking to your doc, they may be able to help in other ways. But be very wary of meds -- a lot of them are really not a good idea for school-age folks. If your doc suggests going that route, it would be good to get a referral to a shrink from your counselor.

But most importantly, remember that people do care -- many of us have been there, and you are not alone. It's OK to ask for help -- that's a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.

And congratulations -- you've taken a great first step by reaching out to us here. Well done!

Hugs.