Correcting people who misgender you.

[Whynaut]

Hey all,

I am out to everyone now and have been on T for 2.5 months but I still look small and feminine. My friends are pretty awesome about names and pronouns and if they slip up I will either let it go or kindly say the proper word [either he, him, his, or my name]. What kills me is when strangers misgender me. It's one thing to be misgendered during a transaction you will walk away from, but what about recurring interactions? For example, when you are out at a restaurant or a bar and the server is misgendering you and you know they will continue doing it for the next hour. How do you correct them? Does anyone have any polite, or funny, phrases they say to correct strangers without sounding like a jerk? Or do you ignore it? Ignoring it is getting harder and harder for me.

[HoneyStrums]

I Dont make a fuss, as long as im not being Ridicueld, insulted or worse im fine with it for now.

Out with freinds last mounth, the waitress at the resturant we went to called me he, and continued to do so, however  after a conversation with her about an apropriate toiled for me to use, she swiched to mis maam.

Other times if im being misgendered, i sometime let my freinds answer for me, hearing someone els reffer to you as your preffered pronoune can go a long way to getting the message across without pulling them up over it.

[aleon515]

I correct anybody really. It seems to help me. I try to be polite. "That'd be sir, thank you".

--Jay

[Edge]

I just correct them. If they say, "she," I say, "he" and stuff like that. Usually, they're too worried about looking like a jerk themselves to think I'm one.

[Arch]

If you are in a restaurant, you can always put in your order and then stand up and ask where the men's room is.

I usually would say something like "It's he, actually" or "Oops! I'm a guy!"

Once, a clerk called me "ma'am" while I was waiting in line, and I simply said, "Ma'am? " in an exaggerated tone. We all had a good laugh over it.

[Adam (birkin)]

I correct anybody really. It seems to help me. I try to be polite. "That'd be sir, thank you".

--Jay

I like this one. Seems polite but also to the point.

Most of the time I was too chicken to correct people. The last time I did (7 or 8 mos ago after a long time of not being misgendered), the woman flat out ignored me. So I pressed the issue because I was in a bad mood. I said "you just called me ma'am. I am not a woman." And she sort of went "oh don't pay any attention to me." lol.

[Ms Grace]

Just correct them politely the first time they say it. I'm still working on my voice and it passes (I guess) for face to face but not so much on the phone. I rang to book a restaurant recently:

Me: Hello, my name is Grace.
Them: Hello, sir, how can I help you?
Me: That's "madam", thank you.
Them: oh sorry, what did you say your name was again?
Me: Grace.
Them: Apologies, madam, I though you said "Chris".

(Not that women aren't called Chris too!! A good reason to avoid using gender neutral names I guess.)

[HoneyStrums]

Just correct them politely the first time they say it. I'm still working on my voice and it passes (I guess) for face to face but not so much on the phone. I rang to book a restaurant recently:

Me: Hello, my name is Grace.
Them: Hello, sir, how can I help you?
Me: That's "madam", thank you.
Them: oh sorry, what did you say your name was again?
Me: Grace.
Them: Apologies, madam, I though you said "Chris".

(Not that women aren't called Chris too!! A good reason to avoid using gender neutral names I guess.)

I feel that.

The ironic thing is when my phone company calls, They say Hello madam can i speak with a Mr (old name) (surname) regarding this acount, so i say this is them. They nearly choke on their words thinking they just insulted me.

It only happens with calls concerning anything to do with my old name though.

[MacG]

My name's Chris. Maybe I should use Christopher as my nickname!

[aleon515]

One time I'm in Walgreens, and the lady ma'ams me. And I said, "It's sir the last time I checked." And the guy in back of me laughs at this, which I take to mean the two of us are laughing about very different things.

--Jay

[Ayden]

The last time I was at the store and an old lady said "excuse me oneesan (sister)" and I looked around and asked "who, me?" The lady looked at me, laughed and said "oh sorry about that sonny. You're too handsome to be oneesan, aren't you?"

Of course, here I can use the masculine "boku" or "ore" for I.

I was asked once about a year ago if I was "watashi" or "boku". I laughed and said "ore!" The girl cracked up laughing and told me I wasn't old enough or used up enough to be ore since I was too cute.

[Hex]

I have a lot of misgendering going on as well right now, my voice actually passes me at times until they see me in person (say the drive through) and then it's like oh you're a chick.. *facepalms* I'll get the courage someday to say something, most times I just ignore it.

[FTMDiaries]

I would always correct them. Usually politely, and with a bit of humour wherever possible... but if they'd been condescending or misogynistic whilst misgendering me I would give them a rude response. I'm not one for worrying about whether I should spare some stranger's feelings: they've caused the awkwardness by presuming my gender without my permission; if they get a brusque response then that's perfectly reasonable, IMHO.

So I used to do a bit of method acting and put myself in the shoes of a cisguy. As a cisguy, how would I react if somebody called me 'madam'? The answer is: I would probably be a bit stunned that anybody could make such a mistake. I might be offended, I might even get argumentative or violent (although that is not my way, and I don't recommend it)... but I would definitely feel that my manhood had been called into question. After a lifetime of having their masculinity and ego reinforced by society, most cisguys won't just let that slide.

The last time this happened to me was in a busy queue in a coffee shop: I gave a large order to the barista and she said "Would you like a carrier for your drinks, madam?". I stood there shocked for a second and stared at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Then I looked down worriedly towards my crotch area and said "'Madam'?!? I should bloody well hope not!" and I made a joke about now wanting to go to the bathroom to check that nothing important had gone missing. Because you know, that's what a cisguy might do in this situation. Ha ha, oh how I LOLed. Sigh.

Anyway, the beauty of this approach is that my confidence carried it off. I'd only been on T for about 4 months so my voice, whilst dropping, was a bit borderline. And I wasn't packing, so if anybody had actually bothered to check out my crotch there wouldn't have been anything there to back up my swagger. But the other customers in the queue had a laugh with me and backed me up, and the cashier was apologetic. Using humour not only defused the situation, but I left that coffee shop feeling 180 degrees different than I would've done had I not questioned the misgendering.

I must say though: it does get better with time.

[makipu]

The last time I was at the store and an old lady said "excuse me oneesan (sister)" and I looked around and asked "who, me?" The lady looked at me, laughed and said "oh sorry about that sonny. You're too handsome to be oneesan, aren't you?"

Of course, here I can use the masculine "boku" or "ore" for I.

I was asked once about a year ago if I was "watashi" or "boku". I laughed and said "ore!" The girl cracked up laughing and told me I wasn't old enough or used up enough to be ore since I was too cute.

I like that response Ayden. Are you currently living in Japan?

[blink]

There's a couple things I try to keep in mind. One, unless it's deliberate misgendering, people are trying to be polite by saying sir or ma'am. Second, cis people get misgendered sometimes too, mouth misfires happen. Example, the last several customers in line were all assumed to be the same gender and the cashier goes on autopilot.

If I think the situation calls for it I try to keep it to something simple, e.g. "How can I help you, ma'am?", "Uhh... [baffled look] thanks, but [it's sir/I'm a guy]."

If the situation doesn't really call for correcting someone, I mentally repeat what they said but with the correct terms, reminding myself it's an honest mistake on their part.

[aleon515]

I realize that MOST people are just being polite. I don't try to put them down but it's useful for them to think that they could be using these and misgendering people. I think the assumption that you can easily tell is not true. So call it my little tiny educational campaign.
 
There's a special place in hell for those who *intentionally* misgender you. I've had that where I believe the person knows and he/she (usually she for some reason) goes out of their way to misgender you. I think they are telling you they don't approve of your "choice".

--Jay

[Tysilio]

There's a special place in hell for those who *intentionally* misgender you. I've had that where I believe the person knows and he/she (usually she for some reason) goes out of their way to misgender you. I think they are telling you they don't approve of your "choice".

True, Jay -- one level below the surface. But I think if one scratches a bit farther below the surface, one may find someone who's just profoundly uncomfortable with the whole thing. Such people may be educable...

Or perhaps I'm just being optimistic.

[aleon515]

True, Jay -- one level below the surface. But I think if one scratches a bit farther below the surface, one may find someone who's just profoundly uncomfortable with the whole thing. Such people may be educable...

Or perhaps I'm just being optimistic.

No, I think you are correct re: some people are educable. But some aren't. Not sure I want to stick around and wait for them. IF they are friends or family, I'd give some time. I had one friend who seemed to take some time. She did come around another did not.


--Jay

[Ayden]

I like that response Ayden. Are you currently living in Japan?

Yes. I live in Osaka, the kitchen of heaven.

[Megan Joanne]

This is why I never use "sir" or "ma'am" or similar gender titles. Sometimes you never know, even myself being transgender sometimes I can't tell what sex a person is, not that it matter because its unimportant to me that I know. If you don't use gender pronouns or titles, no problem getting anything wrong and possibly offending anyone, well, except those that expect you to refer to them as such. But I'm not a very talkative sort so with strangers every word out of my mouth is blunt and as few as possible.

I don't get misgendered much anymore and if I have I must've not payed any attention (or simply can't remember). I do remember when first starting on my journey though, I was misgendered a lot, but only very rarely innocently by strangers, it bothered me a lot but its not their fault, they are just calling it as it seems to them, so most of the time while I didn't let it show outwardly, I did take it to heart, it hurt because I wasn't passing well enough, yet. Many times I got me into crying fits once I was alone and still thinking about it. And then of coarse their were those that did it purposely to call you out, mostly ignore those bothersome gnats.

How 'bout this, being misgendered before even coming out and living as the gender you are supposed to be. Got two examples that I can recollect and still amuse me.

There was this one time long ago while at work stocking shelves (toy store), I got mistaken for a girl. But this was at least a couple years before I even did anything towards becoming one. This big muscular dude comes up behind me and refers to me as "ma'am" and asks me about something (I long forgotten what). But when I turned around he was totally surprised to see I was a dude as well, just had really long hair. He apologies (over and over again). I shrug it off, no big deal. But he's like, "That doesn't bother you?, Heck, if someone called me ma'am I'd kick their ass." So after I helped him, I'm thinking to myself, "Does that mean I should've beat the crap out of him?" Silly, nonsense people are.

Another time was when this old lady asked for something (again at work, same job, and again can't remember what now as that was so many years ago), but it was down the arts & crafts isle. Anyway, I found what it was she was looking for, she was so happy. Get this, again not yet even showing my feminine side in any way, but had long hair, as well as some facial hair. After she helped, she replies to me, first telling me how she had asked one of the other guys in the store about where this item was but he didn't know (apparently didn't feel like helping her), several thank you's my way, and "It takes a woman". That one really amused me, she must've had really bad eyesight to not notice all the hair on my face (so I was the bearded lady). But see, that's it, it didn't bother me, not in the least.

Odd how at that time me still outwardly appearing as a guy but being misgendered as a girl didn't bother me in the least, but once I had started to live as one, even one mistaken misgendering tore me up inside, because I was a girl, not a guy, never was.