Terrified to Cut my Hair

[PhoenixAsher]

I am terrified to cut my hair.

Not because I like it how it is. (I don't.)
Not because I'm not ready. (I am.)
But because I don't want to look...well, butch.

There's nothing wrong with butch lesbians; they're great, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to look like one.

The hair style I'm going for is the stereotypical "emo boy" hair, but I'm still scared that it'll come off wrong.

Any tips on how to avoid this?

[Jill F]

Baby steps.  Cut it a bit shorter and see if you like it.  If not, it WILL grow back.  If yes, then see if you might want to go a bit further.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Haircuts are just temporary, unlike many other aspects of transition.

[PhoenixAsher]

You're right.

I should probably go slow. I just really want to see it short already.

[Declan.]

I personally think short hair makes it harder to pass. No one misgendered me when I had long hair even though I wasn't on testosterone yet at that time. That changed as soon as I got it cut. If you go with an emo haircut, I recommend a semi-long one.

[invisiblemonsters]

honestly if you get a more male haircut, you won't come off as butch a lot of the time. when females get their haircut short, the stylist usually cut it/style it to make it look more feminine. you could try these:

http://0.tqn.com/d/mensfashion/1/0/k/y/87896628_10.jpg
http://www.mens-hairstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Mens-medium-straight-hair.jpg
http://static1.fashionbeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/GRISH3.jpg

those might not be what you're looking for but i think they're short enough/manly enough to fit what you want in those terms, i guess.

[PhoenixAsher]

Declan, I mean short compared to the current length. XD I want "emo boy" hair, which is generally long for a boy style. I agree really short hair makes it harder to pass.

[PhoenixAsher]

Invisible Monsters, if I show them a picture of a boy with the hair I want, do you think it would come out decently?

[invisiblemonsters]

Invisible Monsters, if I show them a picture of a boy with the hair I want, do you think it would come out decently?

i have had the haircuts like those. i have curly hair so it was just easy to maintain. if you go in there presenting as male and give them your male name, they won't question it and probably won't try to make it more feminine. honestly, when i went in there and gave them my birth name (before i was out, even though i passed..) they'd always try to make very male haircuts more feminine and keep asking me if i was "sure" and w/e else. now when i go in, tell them my chosen name and w/e else, they don't do that so i don't think you should have an issue. if they still try to make it more feminine just be like no, it's too feminine can you please make it more masculine. they might think you're crazy but you know, who cares what they think hahaha.

if you're really worried you could just go to a barber and tell them. i've heard a lot of trans guys having good experiences there because they don't try to make the haircuts more feminine.

[PhoenixAsher]

I don't think I have a chance of passing with this current hairstyle, haha. But I might just go for an androgynous style until I come out. If they make it too female, I'll let them know. or I might ask my brother to take me to his barber hahaha

[Rayne]

I understand. My hair was ugly last time I had ti cut. But as I'm most likely MtF, and far more importantly, I wanted long hair not so much for passing but just because I wanted it, I wanted not to cut it. I only let them buzz it again because I hoped it'd look much better if I took care of it next time. I guess I figured It's look better after the reset than it would if I suddenly started caring for it. I think you can do okay with longer hair, but It'd probably be slightly easier to pass with shorter hair. That said there are some more manly longer hair styles that can work well.

[PhoenixAsher]

I want it because I want it--and it just happens to help me pass (I hope). I want the longer hair (for a guy) because i think that is more my style and it would help me look less butch, ya know? At least until I can pass better in other areas at least.

I'm glad your hair is working out for you. I'm sure it's beautiful.

[Rayne]

Well, I wouldn't worry about people thinking you are a butch. I've always had terrible low self esteem and confidence. But lately I've wondered "What if someone calls me gay? and for some reason I've had an abnormal surge of confidence. and I figure: "If anyone is going to base my sexuality on completely unrelated things like that, then they are not using their head, and I really don't need to be around them anyway." It's only those who know nothing about these topics who would make such mistakes.

Do what you want, and don't worry about anyone clueless enough to think your butch over such things.

[PhoenixAsher]

It isn't the sexuality part that bothers me, but the fact that I feel like a boy...I want to look like a boy, not a girl dressed as a boy. Know what I mean?

I am glad to hear of that surge of confidence though

[Jill F]

I used to be in bands with guys with hair halfway down to their asses.  It's really more how you carry yourself than your haircut, or lack thereof.  These guys were never mistaken for girls, even if they were diminuative in stature, clean shaven or had higher pitched voices. 

Attitude, guys.  If you own it, everyone else will get it.

[Reth]

I for the longest time just let my hair grow long until my parents would force me to cut it down, and then I'd only cut it medium length. Then on one date when my parents were like "you have to cut your hair short for a job interview - they're gonna think you're weird" I was like, ok fine.

I looked myself in the mirror and what I did was basically look for a character I thought my hair could pull off - a style that I could have the salonist cut down to bit by bit. I ended up landing on Haruka Tenoh (a personal hero character from sailor moon whom I borderline worship) and her short cut hair. Sure, on a boy it just generally looks like a boy cut but the way I looked at it I was getting a girl cut to replicate one of my favorite girls from fiction. Even if nobody else really notices, it makes me feel happy looking at it - its my own personal 24/7 crossdress and nobody is anymore the wiser. That may sound silly, but I think the mindset is important on your look and not just how you think people with perceive you.

Picture in question:


I assume you have longer hair at this moment? My recommendation is grab hair styles you like from guys you think you could, in theory, pull off. Grab a few styles of varying lengths, then go to whoever does your hair and work down - do a long male cut, then a medium male cut, then a short male cut - and stop when you get to the edge of your comfort, and what you think you can pull off. The amazing thing about head hair is it grows back incredibly fast, and it being long atm is working far more in your favor than you may think.

And I empathize, I really do, with what you're aiming for - but at the same time, I'd simply warn you not to fall in trap of walking around super stressed about your hair and how it makes you look. It isn't the same in a practical sense, but if you just worry hard about how boyish you look now then it may be harder to adjust further into the look because then you're just jumping from one uncomfortable stressful look into another - the most important thing is how you feel in your own skin, so find a hairstyle that you find boyish enough to be comfortable in and then own it; chances are if you own it and sell it, people will buy it.

[PhoenixAsher]

Jill, the thing I am most fearful of is cutting it without being able to pass in other areas, this not being able to pull it off. I just don't want to keep getting mistaken for a girl.

But you are right; attitude and confidence are 99% of it, so I will work on building those up in my mannerisms and voice.

Reth, you bring up another point of stress when it comes to my hair: my parents. My mother isn't mean, per se, but she's really judgmental. If the hair cut goes wrong, I'll never hear the end of it from her, especially if it makes me look dyke-ish.

I like your advice with the picture though. I'm leaning towards going for an androgynous style (boy enough for me, girl enough for my family).


Thanks both of you for the advice you're awesome

[Reth]

Reth, you bring up another point of stress when it comes to my hair: my parents. My mother isn't mean, per se, but she's really judgmental. If the hair cut goes wrong, I'll never hear the end of it from her, especially if it makes me look dyke-ish.

Yeah, my mom isn't so much worried about me looking girlish as much as she thinks me in long hair makes me look like a stoner 

"Nobody will hire you or take you seriously if you look like a hippy!"

I like your advice with the picture though. I'm leaning towards going for an androgynous style (boy enough for me, girl enough for my family).

Yeah, if I were to ever go full time I'd go for an androgynous look as well. I actually kept my hair long for the longest time because in a way it made me feel a bit more feminine and free, but actually when I finally swallowed my pride and got it cut down to the above short girl style I found I was a lot more comfortable - not because it was boyish, but because it was my take on being feminine, which felt so uplifting.

Thanks both of you for the advice you're awesome

You're welcome =)

[Ryan55]

I just went to the barber shop and hoped for the best lol gave my name as ryan, said I wanted short hair like a frohawk and this is what I got, told them to square off w.e side burns I had, cause before it did that feminine v thing, I feel like if i had longish boy hair, I would look bad with it, it all depends on your face structure and your personal preference really