Mental Health Issues (Looking For Advice)...

[Daydreamer]

I've posted around before, but I'm trying to keep everything together now so it doesn't get lost. I know the drill "ask a professional". Currently, I'm kind of in the hole and I was told to call the office back at the end of the month to see if my insurance went through. Hoping by at least next Monday that I'll be in and I can start making progress (hoping it doesn't screw my chances of getting on HRT this year over). These are just a few questions I hope someone can help me with.

TW: Self-Harm

1) I've had problems at night for years. Nightmares mostly when I was little to insomnia and anxiety issues in my late teens to now (I'm currently 20). Some odd number of weeks ago, I was having moderate to severe panic attack like moments at night and it made it almost impossible for me to function properly or sleep at all (feelings of heart palpitations that were never ending). This isn't just when I'm about to sleep, but during the night time hours in general. The only times I really remember not having much problems were when I was in the early out patient days of being released from a psychiatric hospital when I was on benzos to calm my racing/rapid thoughts and when my fiance stayed for winter break (he's coming back in about a week for the summer; and due to personal problems I don't know if he's going to be moving in or if he'll be going back to his hometown when I don't know when I'll be seeing him again in person).  I would always grimly joke about how with my anxiety issues, I'll probably have a heart attack before I'm 30...yeah I know it's not funny, but I'm just weird like that.

I'm looking for some quick fixes until then, especially with my fiance , who has been my rock, in case something does happen. I'm also kind of afraid to go back to meds at the same time. I've been on at least 20+ different meds and med combinations since I was 16 and I don't remember nearly any of them working and if they did, I don't remember which ones because there have been so many. This and the side effects. One example was being on Abilify for a while and my family noticed it making me far worse and helped me go off of it...I don't want to be like that again, especially since I don't want to scare my fiance who is worried about me enough as it is and I don't want to make things stressful for us since we have a lot on our plates.

2) Since last year, I've had three hospitalizations that required me being on the behavioral unit or a psychiatric wing of a hospital. In all, I was there maybe 3 weeks or so. It's not much compared to other people who may have been in those situations. By the end of July 5th, I'll be celebrating being out of the hospital for a whole year. I'm happy, but for some reason, I find myself thinking about the hospital a lot. I'll have moments where it will just come back to my mind and I can see everything vividly. Where the food cart is, where everything is in the OT rooms, where certain things were placed in the day room, certain kinds of smells...just a lot. I can see myself in a moment where I was there and recall what people were wearing and what they were doing. Is this weird at all (the memories in such detail and missing the places)?

3) Similarly to the hospital, is it weird that I miss being on certain meds I was given? I think it ties in with my anxiety, but I really have moments where I have to ask myself if I have a problem because I miss the benzo I was on that would help me sleep at night (or at least quell my racing/rapid thoughts). It has gnarly side effects like making me insanely drowsy in the middle of the day when I think they gave it to some of us and that I'd be rather loopy...but that's it.

4) I haven't been keeping track of the days, but I haven't been clean for a long while (with self harm). I do remember something happening in July or so, but I don't remember the actual last time I did it (Not so much cutting or burning again, but scratching). With so much going on, I get really tempted to start again and I don't want to stray off however far I am into my recovery. Does anyone have advice on how I can make sure I don't fall off the wagon again? I've been turning to my rubber bands again, but I'm afraid I'll get into a pitfall of it not helping. I don't have suicidal ideation, just some urges to harm again and I'm trying to be careful to not give anyone around me inclinations of my urges to avoid being forced into the hospital again.

Thanks if you can help, and so sorry that I made this longer than it should be and if I overwhelmed anyone. I just want to get as much out there as I can.

[sad panda]

I think it is perfectly reasonable that you could end up missing things that have helped you, or even just changed up the pace, even if they had bad effects otherwise or were overall not positive experiences. I am the same way. When I give up one coping mechanism or solution, I end up missing it a lot, even if it was blatantly harmful to me. I have always been avoidant of meds, and even then, I miss my wellbutrin, how much it shrunk my world and a lot of concerns about other people vanished, even if I was spending 20+ hrs a day in bed and not engaging anything or anyone in my life at all ...

For SI... humm, what has worked for you historically? I think everybody needs to deal with urges in their own way. I find that works best for me is actually thinking about the potential worst outcomes rather than distracting like DBT says to do. Like, maybe I don't care about the scars ... but what if I got a flesh eating bacteria or some other rare disease? Barring that... have you tried other strong sensations? Capsaicin (hot foods) and strenuous exercise actually both release endorphins like cutting does. Yeah, it's probably not the same, but maybe it could distract you long enough to resist the urges when you can feel yourself getting more emotional.

I know how it's so hard at night... ugh. Hugs :c Maybe you could even try going to bed in the evening rather than at night. Then when you wake up, I know it's not perfect since it's still dark, but it might start to feel more like morning?

I'm sorry if this doesn't help much or you've heard it all before... I really hope that you can find some helpful solutions. D':

[Daydreamer]

I think it is perfectly reasonable that you could end up missing things that have helped you, or even just changed up the pace, even if they had bad effects otherwise or were overall not positive experiences. I am the same way. When I give up one coping mechanism or solution, I end up missing it a lot, even if it was blatantly harmful to me. I have always been avoidant of meds, and even then, I miss my wellbutrin, how much it shrunk my world and a lot of concerns about other people vanished, even if I was spending 20+ hrs a day in bed and not engaging anything or anyone in my life at all ...

For SI... humm, what has worked for you historically? I think everybody needs to deal with urges in their own way. I find that works best for me is actually thinking about the potential worst outcomes rather than distracting like DBT says to do. Like, maybe I don't care about the scars ... but what if I got a flesh eating bacteria or some other rare disease? Barring that... have you tried other strong sensations? Capsaicin (hot foods) and strenuous exercise actually both release endorphins like cutting does. Yeah, it's probably not the same, but maybe it could distract you long enough to resist the urges when you can feel yourself getting more emotional.

I know how it's so hard at night... ugh. Hugs :c Maybe you could even try going to bed in the evening rather than at night. Then when you wake up, I know it's not perfect since it's still dark, but it might start to feel more like morning?

I'm sorry if this doesn't help much or you've heard it all before... I really hope that you can find some helpful solutions. D':

With SI, writing and music helped for a while. It's just these days I have no motivation to write and I get no satisfaction out of it like I once did. Being around my fiance helps a lot since he helps find ways to keep me sane; but that's going to be difficult with a very uncertain future and him starting school in the fall so we'll be distant for a while. I'm worried relapse might kick in with how anxious I've been if anything really. Besides rubber bands, I tried the method of using ice on the areas you want to injury yourself and using red marker to draw lines on your skin. That did something, but I don't want to turn to that one to avoid making it super obvious to people around me...especially since the last time something like that happened, I got thrown into the hospital when I made no indication I was going to do something besides an ideation episode that happened weeks/months prior.

Sleep is a weird thing for me. I'm a night owl set in my ways. I made it a thing to go to bed around midnight (which is early for me) since my fiance was tired (we fall asleep on the phone together and he's a time zone behind me) and I didn't fall asleep until about 6AM; even if I'm super exhausted it seems to be that way where I won't sleep until I know the sun is starting to rise. I don't think I've gone to bed at a "normal time" and woke up at a "normal time" since last summer.

[sad panda]

With SI, writing and music helped for a while. It's just these days I have no motivation to write and I get no satisfaction out of it like I once did. Being around my fiance helps a lot since he helps find ways to keep me sane; but that's going to be difficult with a very uncertain future and him starting school in the fall so we'll be distant for a while. I'm worried relapse might kick in with how anxious I've been if anything really. Besides rubber bands, I tried the method of using ice on the areas you want to injury yourself and using red marker to draw lines on your skin. That did something, but I don't want to turn to that one to avoid making it super obvious to people around me...especially since the last time something like that happened, I got thrown into the hospital when I made no indication I was going to do something besides an ideation episode that happened weeks/months prior.

Sleep is a weird thing for me. I'm a night owl set in my ways. I made it a thing to go to bed around midnight (which is early for me) since my fiance was tired (we fall asleep on the phone together and he's a time zone behind me) and I didn't fall asleep until about 6AM; even if I'm super exhausted it seems to be that way where I won't sleep until I know the sun is starting to rise. I don't think I've gone to bed at a "normal time" and woke up at a "normal time" since last summer.

If it's okay to ask... (and I'm gonna say... TW for hospital stuff) who is hospitalizing you? I just think that sounds overly harmful. My trauma T has not even suggested hospitalization when I was having some seriously bad, bad episodes. Cuz she knows it would do more harm than good to me personally, even if I run really close to or maybe beyond the point of needing it a lot of times. Not saying that it's that way for everyone, but I don't see why you should be hospitalized when you are actually using a healthy alternative to SI!!!! Can you maybe use the pen on a place that other people won't see?

Anyway... so writing is hard to stay focused on, I totally understand that... but have you been using music lately as well? Maybe just blasting it as loud as is reasonable?

And it's okay, I hear yah, I'm a serial night owl too, even when I stop having a reason to be. :/ Doing that right now actually so I don't have an answer for that.

And I'm also about to go back to school! Hah, coincidences. It's terrifying..... :C

Hope you're doing okay tonight! I probably will try to sleep but if you need someone to talk to around here you can always send a PM.

[Daydreamer]

If it's okay to ask... (and I'm gonna say... TW for hospital stuff) who is hospitalizing you? I just think that sounds overly harmful. My trauma T has not even suggested hospitalization when I was having some seriously bad, bad episodes. Cuz she knows it would do more harm than good to me personally, even if I run really close to or maybe beyond the point of needing it a lot of times. Not saying that it's that way for everyone, but I don't see why you should be hospitalized when you are actually using a healthy alternative to SI!!!! Can you maybe use the pen on a place that other people won't see?

Anyway... so writing is hard to stay focused on, I totally understand that... but have you been using music lately as well? Maybe just blasting it as loud as is reasonable?

And it's okay, I hear yah, I'm a serial night owl too, even when I stop having a reason to be. :/ Doing that right now actually so I don't have an answer for that.

And I'm also about to go back to school! Hah, coincidences. It's terrifying..... :C

Hope you're doing okay tonight! I probably will try to sleep but if you need someone to talk to around here you can always send a PM.

It's fine. I was hospitalized by a doctor and a crisis worker at an old place I went to for therapy. It's my fault for staying with gatekeepers, but I was afraid I'd get screwed over by more people so I remained. The first two I went in willing, being a full on meltdown leading up to both and was up all night talking to my fiance to remind me to alert my mother about it in the morning (I forgot the specifics of when I went in the first two times, but I know they were 2-3 weeks apart). The third time (late June), I went in to see the main guy who I was under (the office was run by two guys, and one sadly passed away last year; and everyone got divided amongst the two of them to see with therapists blah blah). I recall going in for a simple thing to talk about meds and for some reason an ideation episode I expressed to my therapist came up.

They asked me hypothetically if I was on a bridge, would I call for help. I said no and they immediately told me I had to go into the hospital; despite them not giving me time to explain my answer. Had they let me finish before making assumptions, they would have known I said no because at the moment and for a while leading to that session, I had no ideation or desire of hurting myself at all because I found a reason to stay around (that being when my fiance and I got back together). So they called the hospital my doctor goes to visit to check on clients and within two hours I was home collecting my belongings and in a car for 40 minutes to be taken to another facility--despite being okay. I personally think the third time around is what made me feel worse, being separate from the only person who never shamed me and being put in a stressful environment where I was reminding myself that had I not said anything at all, I'd be fine. Which is why I feel weird about missing the hospital because of how it made me feel, mostly the first hospital I was at for the two incidents and not the last.

Thankfully I found something in me to stop the revolving door and I haven't been to them since October or November of last year. It was too toxic to be there, especially leaving every session feeling like my problems were my fault and I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

Music, yes. It depends on the situation since I can sometimes be so low that nothing can get through the force field. If I'm on my own duking it out, I'll have albums blasting while I do something hands on if I have the supplies like crafting. If I'm with my fiance (in person or on skype) he'll pull up music on his phone or kindle and blast stuff that perks us both up since we have a similar taste in music. It does it's job when it can. It's hard for me to listen to music on my end if we're skyping because my computer is weird and blasts it out the speakers even if I have headphones in; which doesn't help the "normies" I live with who don't take kindly to noise early in the morning.

ATM, I'm feeling better. I'm not sure how much of it is me calming down on my own or it's my "body clock" knowing the sun will be up soon. Oddly enough at about 5:30-6AM EST is when I start feeling better if an intense episode happens. My heart is coming down from the racing which is nice (since it can feel like it's pounding hours after I feel okay). Thanks for the love. I hope time moves faster or I can distract myself enough so it feels like it does so I can try to see someone about this.

[Daydreamer]

Yeah the anxiety is back again. I can't think or breathe and time is moving so slow that it's killing me. I've tried some of the things that calm me down, but with my wonky internet connection I don't know how long that will last and I haven't been able to get in touch with my fiance in what feels like an hour. He's on his way up here and I felt so rude trying to call him and I got no response. It rang and rang but he didn't pick up.

Nobody is online and I'm worried to call someone in case he tries to call me and I can't answer. I'm too scared to sleep and that might make me more anxious. God, I really just need to see someone now. This is getting to be so unbearable.