so, i did a whole lot of thinking and i finally figured it out. when i was young, i was a born girl. everything i did was wat a normal growing girl would do. even at older ages, no one noticed anything out of the ordinary. i only understood what girls thought and felt and behaved. calling me a boy would be like calling murder legal. but unfortunately tragedy struck. being raped multiple times, physically abused and verbally degraded caused me to form a shell and change my physical appearance resulting in what society would see as a protector(male). may sound crazy but honestly thats the only way i can explain what i feel. i believe that becuz of my environment, it caused me to morph back and forth between male and female and when the morphing stopped, i got stuck in a male form. this morhing was do to my heart being under attack and it was the only way to keep me alive long enough to return back into my original self. my brain and body chem match, but my hormones decide to take another turn do to a foreign chemical being introduced into my system. i dont regret my male life one bit and i am glad i lived as a male becuz i was able to get through the jungle of my life and survive it, becoming wiser and stronger as a person. i never really felt empty, but i have felt lost, confused and scared at what i created and had become. this undeniable fear that i would have to not only conform to the laws of being a male, but i would lose my way and lose myself in this endless nightmare. my dreams are always centered around me, this dream that if my life didnt take a tragic turn, i would have grown up into a young lady, been able to reach my ful potential, been able to, basically create a future for myself. my dysphoria is a mix of my longing, yearning and dreams to go back to my female life as well as being scared that i might not be able to go back, the fear of being forever trapped. my dysphoric attacks are as strong and crippling becuz of my not knowing how to navigate a male life and whenever i do revert to my female side, i get the death sentence for it, but i do get the occasions smiles from other bystanders and i get comments like "you can be whatever you want to be, but you have to believe in yourself" and they just walk on. i dont hate myself, i just want to return back and break this shell that i create to protect my heart through those dark times in my past. again i may sound crazy but its the only way to explain it since i cant say i'm a male trapped in a female body, which is true but that alone isnt really strong enough to explain what i'm feeling and becuz i'm not really fond of genderized clothing (prefer gender neutral clothing) so i had to dive deeper and what i found is i've never really was a male to begin with. my life hasnt really been empty but its the fact that wanting to return to my origins and the fear of not being able to is whats scaring me the most.
i wanna know your opinions. this is an open discussion so everyone (mtf, ftm, SO, and who ever else is sneaking around lol) is invited to share their thoughts and feels and please only constructive criticism is allowed.
