My teen son and our gender struggles

[Genzen]

Out of all of my kids the one that seems to be having the most trouble with me being transgender is the only one that has also shown transgender inklings himself. When he was 8 he decided to let his hair grow long and said he wanted to be a girl. He told me that he wanted to wear a dress and go to school and tell everyone that she was his cousin. I had very privately cross dressed from time to time throughout my life so I didn't think much of it, but it was causing him some distress and he started to pull his hair out, so I took him to therapy. The goal of therapy was not to change him, but to help him feel OK about his gender identity regardless of how he sees it. He was also abandoned by his mother very young, yet she would show up once ever year or two just to cause problems for a week while she visited him. Visitation was always very stressful and there was lots of conflict between his mom and I. Therapy was also intended to help him emotionally deal with his relationship with his mother better.

About 4 years ago he went out of state to visit his mother. She had called and talked to him only a few times over the past couple years and hadn't seen him for that time as well. I probably shouldn't have let him go visit, but she decided to keep him and call child protective services on me because I was going to send him to Camp Aranu'tiq. She decided to cut his hair and convince him that he is a boy and that people at that camp were probably going to molest him. When he came back he no longer wanted to be a girl and that was that. He stopped pulling his hair out and in therapy he convinced his therapist that he no longer needed any therapy.

It was at that exact moment that I personally realized that I had my own gender issues lurking in the depths of my mind. It hit me that I was transgender myself and I was sad that I had reached 30 years old without ever making peace with it. I started seeing a therapist and started some hair removal and dressing en femme part time. Eventually I let my kids know, had a big talk with them and even started dressing around them a few times to gauge their comfort levels. I ended up giving up on transition at that time and tried living as a guy again only to find my transgender feelings all come back again about 6 months ago.

My son that was gender dysphoric himself however, now 14, is having a hard time dealing with this. Any cross gender expression seems to make him uncomfortable and there is decent amount of animosity coming from him to the extent that I'm a bit uncomfortable being around him now. I'm even a bit scared he might kill me in my sleep as he has really taken an interest in dark psychology such as Hitler, Dexter, Mid Evil times. I was thinking that perhaps it might help him to have a book about transgender stuff. Perhaps it could help him heal some of his own wounds and better understand me? I'm just really surprised to find that for a child that I was open to for having cross gender identity that he would react to me the way that he is.

[Sincerely Tegan]

All I can say is that this honestly feels like a major case of denial on your son's part. Basically, he was at peace with a certain aspect of himself until his mother screwed him up and convinced him to feel shame about his transgender leanings. I'm sure it took a lot on his part to bury that side of himself. Nearly anybody here can attest just how deeply we can sometimes bury these feelings in our denial, and how painfully they can hit when they again come to the surface.

Perhaps it is time for him to go back to therapy. It might not be a horrible idea to have some kind of joint or family sessions, as you don't want him to feel singled-out or isolated. I'm not sure if this advice will help, but it's all that comes to mind at the moment.

I understand that this must be very difficult for you. Not only are you being rejected by your son, but you are potentially watching him reject him or- let's face it- her self.

Even if he is not willing to talk about trans issues with a therapist, there is something deeply disturbing about the fascination with killing, Hitler, and various other dark subjects of that ilk. These interests are very indicative of a feeling of depression and perhaps even powerlessness. It could be trans issues, or it could be something else. Hopefully, whatever is wrong can be resolved in a therapist's office.

The tricky part with boys his age is getting them to believe that you are trying to help, rather than hurt. Keep reminding him that you love him, and it might not be a bad idea to share with him that he scares you.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Please, keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do to help, even if it just means providing a friendly ear.

Good luck, and be well.

Sincerely,
Tegan

[Sincerely Tegan]

I'm not sure Tegan. Letting him know that he scares you may feed the fuel. I would agree with the power aspect of things. I'm ashamed to say this, but in my very late teens, early twenties i was a really intimidating mofo to my family. I would get off on the intimidation and the seeming control it brought. It also hurt inside, but it was one way to exert my frustrations and share my perceived injustice through anger.

All right, point taken. But how about letting him know that you are scared FOR him?

Just a thought.

-Teg

[Genzen]

Thank you both! It's really good to hear the suggestions. I agree that some family therapy will be in order soon. And that I need to keep letting him know that I love him. Thank you! I also like the leaving the book around the house idea as well.