So, I met this guy(doesn't really matter how) but we chatted(online), shared facebooks, chatted some more,exchanged phone numbers etc. That all happened for two weeks, he knew I was TG MtF had seen pics of me, knew how long Ive been on hormones etc etc then said hey do you mind if I ask you out on a date? Naturally I was like oh nice, this guys understanding of everything, sure why not.
So I think I spent a few hundred no some more clothes, hand bags, god I even bought a new pair of heels (Hey I was excited and wanted to feel good). On the day, I went shopping and bought some more stuff had a nice long bath, spent ages on getting ready etc and was feeling great
So he picks me up. I might say the other caveat with all this(and he knew this as we had discussed all this), is that this would be my first time out in public, but I felt that if I had him there(6'4" 120kg ex aussie navy) with me I could do it just fine and we were just going to go for a coffee and drive/chat.
We chatted in the car, talked about him mostly, his job, his family(he's divorced b4 any1 thinks I was skanking around) and all that. We drove and chatted for like 15mins then decided we would go for a walk along the esplanade near the beach. So we walked and talked for a bit before finally sitting down overlooking the ocean, i'll admit it was kinda romantic. I was enjoying myself and felt chatty and safe with him.
Then suddenly he sorta said to me, I need to goto the toilet, did you see one around here? I was like i think theres one over there at the surf club. So off he goes. 15mins passes. I txt him with my mobile phone just asking "Are you ok?" coz you know maybe something had come up or he was you know doing a number 2 lol.
No answer....
I waited another 10 mins and decided this time to phone his mobile. Straight through to his messagebank. At that point I was like going wtf omg has he really done what I think he's done? So I left him a voicemail asking if everything was ok, I'm sitting here by myself, alone, could you please call me back( I didnt want to come across as some hysterical female lol)
Nothing...
So I waited another 15mins and thought right screw this I'm calling again. Same thing no answer straight through to his messagebank. So I left a voicemail saying that I dont understand straight, gay, TG or otherwise how he thought it was acceptable to basically abandon me a $40 taxi fair away from my house, by myself, on my first time out, why, why would he do that to someone. I think I might have called him an arsehole too
I mean if he had just been honest and said hey I dont think this is going to work, I would be upset obviously, but I'm adult enough to go ok thats fine plz take me home. I mean thats a pretty reasonable thing to think that a real man with some respect for the person he invited on a date would give me. But no.
So anyway, wow, here I am at Burleigh Heads (Gold Coast, AU)freezing my butt off in the dark, across the road from a couple of nightclubs, heaps of ppl around, first time out, totally freaking out and trying not to lose it and cry. I think I sat there for like 2hrs just going through everything, wondering what I had done wrong, if it was my fault and everything like that, before I finally thought right I'm going to call a cab and go home. So I went to the toilets, did what I did then you know how they have this god awful kinda neon white lights that just make everyone look like crap, I thought i'll check my stuff and see how I look. Well dysphoria attack, I felt sick, ugly, old, MALE.
I have to admit for about 10 minutes as I cried in the toilet, I seriously thought about just walking out into the ocean....its done...problem solved, maybe i'll get it right next time sorta thing. But clearly I didnt. I guess i thought of my flatmates dog and my kitten, and my mum and couldnt do it.
So anyway I got myself home. Taxi company was fantastic. I rang them and ordered a cab, but there like oh theres a cab rank at the club across the road, please wait there. I explained Im TG and I'd rather not get bashed or hassled and 2mins later without moving a taxi appeared..yay!
Finally something good!
So I came home...oh he had kicked me off and blocked me off of his fb as well(nice huh). I mean srsly the guy went from mister nice guy to gone in the space of 30mins. Pretty hard to take for someone early in there transition(but he had pictures of me, we'd spoken on the phone, he knew where i am at).
But today is a new day. Im like ->-bleeped-<- that guy(excuse my language) I will soldier on, be who I am and continue to grow as a person. In away even though last night was just so bad at the actual time, Ive at least been out in public and no1 I spoke to treated me rudely or badly, and I got like a whole bunch of clothes and stuff that I needed anyways. It has got me thinking about my looks in general, my body shape and all that, but I dunno what I expect after 3.5mths hrt and 6.5mths spiro.
Anyway sry for the long post but can I haz a susans place hug? k thx
