Have you considered living stealth an option?

[Ltl89]

For those that say complete stealth is impossible, I would agree, but it may not be as hopeless as we think.  If the EU's right to be forgotten policy actually is enforced strongly, which I doubt, it will be easier to hide your past despite the Internets existence.  So if you move to a different area and do your best to clean up your history, you might have a shot.  Doubt it will happen like that, but who knows how the policy will be enforced.

Since I'm in the states, I've settled on the fact that some people are going to know.  However, I live in a state with a large population.  I see people all the time that I've never met before.  It makes things a bit easier and I know people that were able to live like 99% stealth without much issue; although, a lot of that matters on how private you were prior to your transition and how well you blend.  I've done too much volunteer and public work to have that luxery I fear, so improving my looks and hoping I'm not recognized is one of the only things I can do.   

I guess I'm pretty different, I get a kick out of being trans. It's probably because I've lived so much life already it just doesn't make sense for me to worry about being stealth. Though when I'm all done up , I think I look pretty good

Yeah, I think experience may make a difference.  I've noticed those who transition over the age of 30 are less likely to care about what other people think and those of that are under it are terrified.  I guess we are still close to the high school conformity mentality.  Even at 25, I've yet to escape it. 

[BunnyBee]

Yeah, I think experience may make a difference.  I've noticed those who transition over the age of 30 are less likely to care about what other people think and those of that are under it are terrified.  I guess we are still close to the high school conformity mentality.  Even at 25, I've yet to escape it. 

I was 32, almost 33 when I started transitioning, and I definitely still cared what people think, and still do.  How people see me, how much I am liked, those kinds of things?  Idk if there is anything more important to me, even still.

[stephaniec]

I was 32, almost 33 when I started transitioning, and I definitely still cared what people think, and still do.  How people see me, how much I am liked, those kinds of things?  Idk if there is anything more important to me, even still.

to me it's just a far more important issue to heal my self rather than worry if others don't see me totally as female or a perfect female or as one of the invisibles.

[Alainaluvsu]

Personally I just tell people I'm female. I've never had a problem with it. However with the pictures I've taken, putting up a youtube video with like 100,000 views, and seeing as I'm not going to disable my FB page, it's pretty hard to stay stealth. But I couldn't care less. Take me as I am or leave me the heck alone. I've yet to have a problem with being gendered correctly since I left the school I transitioned at.

[PoeticHeart]

For me personally, I would just go with the situation.

For instance, anyone that matters to me, does/will know about my trans status, etc. I don't mind discussing the issues of my life, what my transition has been like and the like.

On the other hand, I won't be waving the trans flag at the fast food counter. I'll get my stuff and go. That is, unless, someone makes a problem for me, which I will happily solve using whatever I need to.

My life isn't black and white; it's ever changing hues of grey. I just do what I feel comfortable with and forget the rest.

[AnnieMay]

For some of us, living stealth will not be a worthwhile solution. And for any individual, only time will tell whether it is possible. But for some of us it certainly is. 
There is a cost to be paid – especially the severing of relationships and relocating to a foreign place. Stealth can be lonely – until you develop a new set of friends. But then, I had always been lonely.
So why would I choose stealth?
Living stealth has allowed me to become the woman I am rather than the one that the people I know or society allowed me to be. And that is important to me -- the only solution to MY dysphoria.
I am able the answer the question "who am I" with far greater clarity and assuredness.
I was once a transsexual -- physically, mentally and emotionally – during an extended period in time called transition. But now I am a woman. Not a trans woman or cis woman, but a woman.
For me, only in this way has my transition become complete.

[Ravensong]

I am saying that the word stealth isn't applied to one class of people, it is a verb not a noun.  I find it odd that anyone could think that the word stealth only means secret cross dressers.  It puts the idea of hiding your trans status into a category of 'dirty little secret' and I don't believe anyone should have to consider being trans anything a dirty secret (or as everybody's business).  I also think it is ridiculous to out yourself, it smacks of attention seeking to me... but that is my opinion only.  For sure anyone who wants to know about living "stealth" as a MtF trans woman should listen to those who have done it and not those who want to debate the impossibility of it.  That approach only makes people feel afraid, hopeless and alone.  There is nothing about surviving this ordeal and living well at the end of it that should make anyone feel ashamed or hopeless, rather it should be a reason for joy and satisfaction.

Thanks for the clarification Ducks, I see exactly what you're saying now.  I agree that you can't be 100% stealth, since some people will know.  I just ant to be at a point where I can be myself and no one sees me different than what I am, regardless of how I was born/raised or who I was in the past.

[Megumi]

Stealth will most likely never be an option for me unless I transition fully where I live then move away and change my legal name and start a new job. When I come out at work next month my status is going to spread like wildfire in the local communities and on the internet. But oh well, I'm proud of myself and feeling confident to tackle this new step in my life.

For those who can live stealth I am happy for them as it's one less issue they have to deal with on a daily basis.

[defective snowflake]

It could be possible for me if I live another 100 years or so and everyone that knew me or would talk about me were gone. And throw in some kind of apocalypse that would wipe out all records, paper and electronic, then I'm golden! 

[Ducks]

Thanks for the clarification Ducks, I see exactly what you're saying now.  I agree that you can't be 100% stealth, since some people will know.  I just ant to be at a point where I can be myself and no one sees me different than what I am, regardless of how I was born/raised or who I was in the past.

Ravensong, I want the same thing!  I went stealth because I found I didn't like being around people who knew me in the past, because that made ME feel like I felt back then, even if they accepted me as a woman.  I transitioned and moved so I could build a new life for myself where I didn't have to be reminded about who I was and once I found my feet that way, I began to let selected people back into my life or come out to those I felt needed to know.  Pretty selfish of me, but then again, making me live a lie to keep them from having to change their view of me was selfish of them, too.  In the end we all have to do whatever works to keep us sane and happy.  For me it was turning the page and moving on to a new chapter, others may disagree, but it works for me so I'll stick with it.

[stephaniec]

Ravensong, I want the same thing!  I went stealth because I found I didn't like being around people who knew me in the past, because that made ME feel like I felt back then, even if they accepted me as a woman.  I transitioned and moved so I could build a new life for myself where I didn't have to be reminded about who I was and once I found my feet that way, I began to let selected people back into my life or come out to those I felt needed to know.  Pretty selfish of me, but then again, making me live a lie to keep them from having to change their view of me was selfish of them, too.  In the end we all have to do whatever works to keep us sane and happy.  For me it was turning the page and moving on to a new chapter, others may disagree, but it works for me so I'll stick with it.

moving away to another state like New Mexico would be the only realistic option for me to go stealth. I'm just too comfortable where I'm at.

[Ravensong]

We'll see how it goes for me.  I'm looking at moving back to my home area in a few months, if I can find a job there, where I am hoping to have a good support base in my friends from home and my family, though none of them know about my transition yet.  I am going to tell them when I go up to visit and see what kind of reaction I get (I haven't seen them for three years now).  Maybe I'll wait to move back there, if I do, when I'm capable of going full time.

My home area is a small town type area, the Shenandoah Valley, with a pretty decent "everybody knows everybody" situation, so that would make things rather interesting, and difficult to stealth it out.

[BunnyBee]

to me it's just a far more important issue to heal my self rather than worry if others don't see me totally as female or a perfect female or as one of the invisibles.

It is a total burden to be like I am, believe me.   Be grateful you can be that way

[stephaniec]

It is a total burden to be like I am, believe me.   Be grateful you can be that way

I am grateful I doubt I could transition if I let that bother me.

[Isabelle]

Ducks, you missed my point entirely and essentially paraphrased me. I love the internet.

[TheQuestion]

I don't really have any friends.  Not because I'm an a$$hole or anything like that.  I was actually really popular at one point, all throughout grade school, but then I sort of withdrew from depression/just not caring I guess.  Also, being part of the popular crowd, most of my friends felt making fun of others was a good past time; so I sort of separated myself from them.  It's not right for anybody to make fun of anyone else.  You never know what people are dealing with in private; why make things worse for someone?

I have a degree and I do work, but I don't have the best job and I really should move on.  Sooner or later I'll have to get a new job, as I really can't make a career out of the one I have.  I could get one where nobody knew me and I do want to move to another state.

I guess that I could maybe live stealth, and I'd like to achieve some level of stealth.  I really don't know if that's possible however, with my being 6'0" and athletic as hell.  Basically it's this; I'd tell people who became my friends, family would obviously know already, and coworkers, well, who knows whether I'd want to tell them.  I can say I'd like to be stealthy enough where I could walk down a street or go into a store without feeling like somebody was going to yell "freak" or something at me.  I'd like to be stealthy enough that if I told someone, they'd at least be a little surprised.  In other words, I'd like to pass to strangers and passer-byes.  If I got on hrt, had some surgeries and somehow came to realize that I could live stealth as a tall, athletic, cis looking woman then would I?  Like I said, to an extent.

[stephaniec]

I don't really have any friends.  Not because I'm an a$$hole or anything like that.  I was actually really popular at one point, all throughout grade school, but then I sort of withdrew from depression/just not caring I guess.  Also, being part of the popular crowd, most of my friends felt making fun of others was a good past time; so I sort of separated myself from them.  It's not right for anybody to make fun of anyone else.  You never know what people are dealing with in private; why make things worse for someone?

I have a degree and I do work, but I don't have the best job and I really should move on.  Sooner or later I'll have to get a new job, as I really can't make a career out of the one I have.  I could get one where nobody knew me and I do want to move to another state.

I guess that I could maybe live stealth, and I'd like to achieve some level of stealth.  I really don't know if that's possible however, with my being 6'0" and athletic as hell.  Basically it's this; I'd tell people who became my friends, family would obviously know already, and coworkers, well, who knows whether I'd want to tell them.  I can say I'd like to be stealthy enough where I could walk down a street or go into a store without feeling like somebody was going to yell "freak" or something at me.  I'd like to be stealthy enough that if I told someone, they'd at least be a little surprised.  In other words, I'd like to pass to strangers and passer-byes.  If I got on hrt, had some surgeries and somehow came to realize that I could live stealth as a tall, athletic, cis looking woman then would I?  Like I said, to an extent.

Ilive by a big University, there are quite a lot of tall athletic woman around

[HoneyStrums]

TRIGGER WARNING

Why I Think stealth is counter praductive. (For me)

That need to be honest is a killer. The shame of hiding a part of who I am is what was pushing me over the edge.

For me, my transition is about being honest with myself and others. A lot of that means comming to terms that although I am a woman it is an XY woman.

I Also think that as people we need to feel loved. The love I got prior to comming out felt false. Felt they loved an act and not me.

Over time my dad is comming around. He still doesnt get it, but the other night he said goodnight darling. (somthing hes only ever called the female family)

He still often calles me by my old name, but recent happening go to show that to him I AM a duaghter he HAS alwas known as a son.

I Dont think I could ever feel as loved by anybody that doesnt accept me as an XY woman. I feel like hiding the nature of my birth from people would creat the same sence of false love. (that was pushing me over the edge)

Just as many people would say im not a real woman, I dont think I could see any body that doesnt know Im trans as a REAL friend.

I Dont adopt new behaviours to pass, I feel trying to pass as female is the same box a trying to pass as male to start with. I only want to be me.

I Know there is an element of safty envolved, but I fear stealth would make me the same risk to myself that transitioning is supposed to prevent.

And as long as we have REAL friends and REAL love that risk is greatly reduced. The only thing I need in adidtion to this is the love I have for myself.

I catch my self smieling in the mirror since I came out, And a lot of this is knowing that inspite of what I am, Im free to be who I am.

Despite of everything I hate about my self and society, I am PROUD to be trans. Im strong anough to face anything life throws at me, and happy knowing that should I die tomorrow, Ill die loved with REAL freinds knowing it will not be by my own hand.

This is what makes me happy.

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WARNING OVER

[BunnyBee]

If you ever feel like you're lying, you should absolutely stop doing whatever made you feel that way.  If being open and out and proud makes you feel the most comfortable, then that is perfect, and you should do that.  For me, I have never felt like I was lying when told somebody I was a woman.  I don't personally feel guilt or worry about my chromosomes.  I don't feel particularly proud (or ashamed) of being trans.  I do not consider that to be part of my identity, more like an obstacle I had to overcome.  For me, telling everybody in the world I am trans would make me extremely uncomfortable, just as not doing that does for you.  The reality is, we are all different and should not prescribe a one-size-fits-all approach and I feel like this highlights that very well.

[eClare]

Being who we are appears to be the common denominator in this thread. Some consider that being a total woman is who they must be and that the only way to achieve it is through stealth. Others consider honesty, advocacy of transgenered or devotion to loved ones who they are and have decided to act accordingly. In any case, folks have apparently done a great deal of soul searching, and each has chosen a path that, though difficult, is true to who they aspired to be. I commend you, one and all.