Diary of a Mad Girl

[K Style Addiction]

It's been awhile and i'm really sad and i need to release my sadness and frustration somewhere. I don't expect many replies nor do i expect anyone to understand.

Apart from the usual of feeling like the ugliest, most butch girl in existance. I have more troubles now, my mother left to go for training for a job at the second last week of april. So it's been about a month now, i feel so alone, so helpless, i feel sadness from this pain.

I have nobody to talk to when she's gone, i have trouble sleeping on days she has to go for her training and i am overall miserable.

A backtrack, in my whole life from the time i was born until she left to go for her training. I've never been alone, i've always had somebody there, that would be with me and talk to me if i wanted/needed.

And furthermore, i look at my avatar and keep thinking "What was i thinking putting such an ugly picture of myself here".

I'm miserable overall, i have nothing really to pass time except play video games and i'm pre-everything sans horomes and t-blockers.

i hate my life now, i wish i wasn't so alone, i wish my mother will be back...after her training she says she will be with me more often, but it feels like forever. I don't want to have trouble sleeping (and i take a lot of sleeping aides), i hate feeling this way...i don't want to be alone anymore, i'm too ugly for anyone to want me pre-op and pre-everything else....i wish someone would love me and i could find peace, i don't want to be alone anymore.

[HoneyStrums]

Seems to me like you need to find yourself.

Your pre everything? doesnt look like it. From the avatar id say you pass more than many on hormoans.

Thats your troubble you need to see what others see. And not be so nagative about yourself. Ive notice you made quite a lot of posts it the you look fab thread. My guess is you need to be told you look great to get by.

But no amout of people saying you look ok, you pass, and any of the pretty will help, if you dont beleive it yourself. the truth of it is, many here on hormoans will be wishing they looked as good as you.

have you tried taking photos of yourself being silly? SMILES are amasing. Ill taking wearing a carpet and carotts in my ears with a smile, over a fine dress and a smileless pose anyday. mayby that why you dont like your pics, maybe cause your not smieling.

As far as being loanly i know how that feels, but its only temparery. Theres things you can do to help pass the time. like idk think off somthing you can do for your mom for when she gets back, to show her how much you miss her.

[K Style Addiction]

I do smile and everybody says that, but I don't get comments on the fabulous thread it just, to me cements the feelings of being ugly.

I have bi-polar depression too so it's a war just getting through a day, especially now that I'm alone on weekdays.

Thanks to the reply anyway, don't think it's not appreciated.

[immortal gypsy]

Donna where did the black dress go. I may love colour but I LOVE a black dress and that one looked great on you.

Donna you are beautiful a true natural beauty. One sad thing I've noticed about the fabulous thread is it can get kind of clique at some times and others fall through the cracks.

Being on your own for the first time can be hard and I wish I had some magic words to give you and tell you it will all be better tommorow, but we both know that might not be true.

Will you take a virtual hug and my crowbar to pry me off once your've had enough instead?

[suzifrommd]

Being alone is difficult. I know. I'm living alone for the first time in over 20 years.

Make contact with you're Susan's friends, if you can. There are a lot of people here who support you and care about you. I know it will be hard for you to find the confidence to get involved outside your house (church, meetups, classes, whatever you can find) but the rewards are great if you can find it. You have the strength inside you if you look for it.

Good luck. Better days are ahead for you, but they'll need some work on your part to make them happen.

[K Style Addiction]

Donna where did the black dress go. I may love colour but I LOVE a black dress and that one looked great on you.

Yeah, i'm thinking of changing my avatar again lol..starting to not like this new one .

Donna you are beautiful a true natural beauty. One sad thing I've noticed about the fabulous thread is it can get kind of clique at some times and others fall through the cracks.

Thanks, i've also thought that the fabulous thread kinda had their own clique but then i was like "you're crazy, why would that happen?"

Will you take a virtual hug and my crowbar to pry me off once your've had enough instead?

No need for the crowbar lol, i love hugs .

Being alone is difficult. I know. I'm living alone for the first time in over 20 years.

Make contact with you're Susan's friends, if you can. There are a lot of people here who support you and care about you. I know it will be hard for you to find the confidence to get involved outside your house (church, meetups, classes, whatever you can find) but the rewards are great if you can find it. You have the strength inside you if you look for it.

Church, i don't trust sorry...it's hard for me to trust religious people even in SF when i'm so vunerable. i can't find meetups that's works out for me time-wise, my pain has to be with the fact that i'm away from anybody in a long while and most people are working in the morning the same time my mom does, when she comes home. My best friend is all i need, i know corny but it's how i feel. Classes might work out if i can figure out how to move around in SF but i don't know what i would want to take.

[K Style Addiction]

I'm in so much pain, i just had a fight with my mother...this feels like it'll never end and i'll be alone forever.

[immortal gypsy]

What's happened let it all out

[HoneyStrums]

your being pessimistic.
in the last three days, this is the second time i've seen this thread. (because I hit recent topics) if 15 other topics get a post before yours gets another one it disappears from the recent topics list, and will stay of it until it gets another post to make it current once again.
ive also been very busy, and have much less time to spend here.

you have to keep a thread alive hon by talking in it. you cant sit and wait and keep waiting, and focus on that your not getting replies.

this site also gets a lot of people that just browse. some people will view topics without posting in them. because they cant find the words. they feel they cant offer any help or some of what is in the topic can be triggering for some, and they might find they cant emotionally cope with a similar situation themselves, and don't say anything because they don't know any coping strategies themselves yet.

and I can tell you for a fact people here care. I do, others do too. you have responses. And their can be any number of reasons People look and don't post here. or some can be the same person multiple time, hitting refresh while waiting for you to reply. (I Do this one myself)

And some of the more active members here might not be interested in a diary not because its yours but because it says diary . and many see diaries as something from you to yourself, but that you don't mind sharing.

So since their is so many reasons that people might not respond to your thread, and why you can get so many viewers and not many posts, what makes you think its

what makes you think its because, "no one" when you know at least three do. and that's just the ones that posted

but anyway, you came back here because you feel no one cares, why? what makes you think it? what s getting you down?

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Hi Donna,

I haven't seen an ugly picture of you here yet. You're beautiful.

Life can totally be hard when you feel lonely. When I was determined to deny my real self, I was alone most of the time. I didn't want to be around me, why should anyone else? I thought I'd got used to it and I could be okay that way. Looking back I think it was just another part of the depression. Now that I want to enjoy life, I want people to share it with as well. I recently joined group therapy. We meet weekly. I wouldn't have thought it would do the trick, but it's been great. I can be me without fear of judgement and I can talk to people who can relate to my troubles. Do you think you could find something like that near you? I know of at least two free groups in Chicago, I can't imagine there aren't more elsewhere if money is an issue.

Sometimes just getting out and spending time at the movies, a bookstore, or just unwinding in a coffee shop can be miles better than being home alone. Sometimes dog kennels look for volunteers. Dogs are always happy to be with people and can be a great morale booster. Also, I read recently (on the internet and everyone knows everything is true on the internet) that walking for just 10 minutes really raises your spirits. Seems to work for me, anyway though YMMV. (Yep, now I'm dropping puns.)

I don't know if all moms are crazy. I know mine is. However crazy things get your mom always loves you. Fights happen, but it's not the end.

Anyway, we care. I'm sure we're not the only ones. Hang in there. Life is better on E, you just need to make it to the starting point.

with love,
-Claire

[svaso]

Donna,

I agree with Claire^^.  Getting involved with a group has allowed me to open up, and start seeing things in a much more positive light.  I was able to meet the best friend I ever had.  In turn, the company of a friend you can go shop with, go out to eat, and just talk to really helps the issues of self image and confidence. 

Heck, I got awhile before I pass 100%(BTW from your avatar you do look 100% - OMG jealous), but it's not as important as it once was.  I'm the most social I have ever been in my life, and rarely find disrespect.  That is all because I finally sought out a friend going through transition as well.  I certainly hope you can find a group in your area to attend, and allow yourself to get out there.  I don't think a pretty girl like you should be sitting around and playing video games all day long.

Life's not all peaches and cream for me either.  Saturday, I cried buckets thinking about my appearance and the stress of work transition(long story there).  I also get jealous from some other women who are further along in there transition.  Waiting until Feb for FFS, which seems so far away is killing me.
I'm human and I know I'm not alone on these issues.  I am glad that you are bringing this up!

I have a close relationship with my mother too, so I completely understand your despair in her absence . 

Hugs!

Stacy~ 

[K Style Addiction]

Thank you all for you replies, sorry for the late thanks. Like i said earlier, when my mom is home, the two of us try to make the most out of the time we have, anytime she's not working and we're not together feels like time wasted, so i would like to go to meetups, although i have to be honest i do horrible in front of a group of people, trans or not.

Today i had another fight with my mother, my heart is broken...i feel like our family is falling apart and it hurts me so much, every time my mother goes to work my cat starts screaming non-stop and for no reason either than she is not home (she has food and a clean kitty litter), it's been two days and she keeps doing this, my sleep is horrid, i'm cranky, my mom's cranky from work....i don't know how all of this is going to end, the worst thing (and semi-good) is that she's going for training so she might not even get the job and all this pain would have been for nothing.

Also every night i do go for walks, i go for short walks w/o make up and everytime someone looks at me, i feel they know i'm trans and that i'm being judged, stuff like that makes me feel ugly. I'm not saying you girls are not right in saying i'm pretty (which i so totally appreciate) but i'm just talking about how stupid/dumb my brain is and how easily broken my confidence is .

Yesterday i was so mad i forgot to tune in girl voice when i went out and i feel like such a bonehead.

[suzifrommd]

Today i had another fight with my mother, my heart is broken...i feel like our family is falling apart and it hurts me so much, every time my mother goes to work my cat starts screaming non-stop and for no reason either than she is not home (she has food and a clean kitty litter), it's been two days and she keeps doing this, my sleep is horrid, i'm cranky, my mom's cranky from work....i don't know how all of this is going to end, the worst thing (and semi-good) is that she's going for training so she might not even get the job and all this pain would have been for nothing.

Hugs, Donna. This is very hard to deal with. Peace is hardto catch even in a calm household. When there is stress in the family, it makes it so much harder. Please give yourself credit for hanging on when things are tough.

I think your walks are a wonderful idea. I love walks so much, I think of them as a gift I can give myself to show that I'm worth it. Is there something you can learn to repeat to yourself whenever someone stares your way? Something like, "That's right. I'm a beautiful Transgirl, and proud of it!" Doesn't have to be exactly that, but something affirming.

[Jess42]

My God Donna. How can you look in a mirror and not see what we see. You are an extrememly beautiful young woman, pre, post, or anything else. I have never ever seen an ugly picture of you either posted in another thread or in your avatar. As a matter of fact you are more beautiful than some ciswomen I know. I hope that gives you a little confidence in yourself.

So Girl, grab you some self confidence, there is someone out there that will love you like you want to be loved. There are guys out there that could care less, not the ->-bleeped-<-s, but true honest guys that will like the woman and fall for her that find what is between the legs not so important. Besides love shouldn't be about sex, gender or aything else. As a matter of fact, love should trump everything else. But you have to be open to the possibilities and not limit yourself or think everyone has evil intentions. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt unless they prove otherwise. You will definately know those. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of people out there that are dirtbags, but there are a lot that aren't. Guys and girls or somewhere in between.

Don't sell yourself short. You just need to instill in yourself what and how we see you hon, and you are in no way ugly at all. You just need to recognize your beauty like we all do.

[Jess42]

Thank you so much *hugs*, just had another fight with my mom over something completely stupid...i'm afraid something bad is going to happen to me .

You're welcome Donna. Just speakin' the truth Hon.

You really need to get out of that way of thinking. It's kind of like a Voodoo curse and if you are expecting something bad to happen then it will or at least you will notice the negatives more. There are enough bad things in the world that happen that are totally out of our control so try to be positive and notice the good things no matter how small they may seem to be.

Fights with family suck. But that is just a fact of life. All you can do is try to put yourself in the other person's position and empathize with them. Both people need to do this though. Maybe one day when niether one of ya'll are cranky or upset just sit and have a heart to heart talk, about any and everything. Or just do something to waste the day together.

[K Style Addiction]

We're fine now, though something bugging me and part of my low opinion about the way i look stems from the Do You Look Fabulous Thread and now the Show Of Your Legs thread, i don't understand i'm told i'm not hated nor am i ugly.

I post pictures there everyone acts like it never happened! I'm lost...and it's a horrible feeling.