transition has taken almost everything from me:-(

[Sophia Hawke]

I really thought when I started transitioning that I was finally getting my life together.  Since then I've pretty much lost everything but my family and my business.  Tonight I discovered I wasn't cut out for driving a cab at night (when the money comes in).   I completely lost my ->-bleeped-<- on an entire van full of customers, some who were good friends,  and a couple days ago I nearly got myself raped.  On top of that, if I wasn't socially isolated before, after I raged on my friends/customers you can bet I am now.  Having to liquidate my assets and lose my apartment which I worked so hard and spent so much money making nice.  I'm basically starting from scratch/negative.  My friends are all walking away from me and the only thing I can do is sell my business and hope to make a fresh start somewhere else when I get back from Thailand.   I just don't know what to do, I'll never give up my transition, but how the hell do you cope with such drastic life changes.

[LordKAT]

by viewing from a different perspective. A fresh start, new place, variety, new experiences, etc.

[Jess42]

by viewing from a different perspective. A fresh start, new place, variety, new experiences, etc.

Oh yeah. most definately LordKAT. To quote the great Janis Jplin or Kris Kistofferson, " Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". How many times I have been in that predicament I can't count but you do have the freedom to move. You are beautiful woman in the avatar, and just go for a change. Changes are always good or at least to me they are.

[Sophia Hawke]

I'm just so ->-bleeped-<-ing devastated right now, i dont even know what to do. Its taking me everything i have just to leave my house and go to the store for cigarettes and the bank which is an 8th mile away.   After this incident with this guy, im afraid to even leave home for anything anymore.   I can't even go to work.   I had no idea what was going on until he had his pants unbuckled and was saying, "yeah, you know why were going to this parkinglot". even though he said he was going to get his car.   I'm terrified to go to work anymore, i had no idea what was going on until it was almost too late.  With this and the amount of verbal assualt i end up dealing with on a regular basis at work, i'm not sure if ill work at all for a while or anywhere.  my whole life is just upside down, i dont even want to leave my house or even get up from my seat.

[Ducks]

what KAT said!  Sometimes you have to give up a lot to get what you want, this sacrifice will be worth it for you if you don't fixate on what you've lost but rather on what you are gaining.  When you get back from surgery, you'll have a whole new life ahead of you, focus on that!

[Jess42]

Oh Sophia Hon. I really feel for you. Yes it is a terrible thing but we do have to try to at least get on with life. I have no idea where you live but I really hope you reported it to the authorities. Where I live rape is rape whether cis or LGBT. So please report the guy. If nothing else the cops will at least get a heads up. Or at least where I live anyway.

Life kind of went downhill for me recently and really all we can do is roll with the punches. I know, easier said than done. You seem like a beautiful young woman so don't let fear get to you and control you. There are a lot of idiots out there and yeah you probably are devistated right now, but don't let one idiot ruin what you have worked so hard for.

[Jessica Merriman]

PM sent! 

[crowcrow223]

I've been through some of what You mentioned, and I tell you, there's a brighter future! Every terrible thing that happened to me in my life, looking at it from the perspective of time, I know it happened for the better. I understand you're suffering from panic attacks and anxiety now, so have You thought about seeing a counsellor about it? Good luck!

[Sophia Hawke]

The cops already know about most all of this, they did make the guy pay me, but they made me go there myself to collect it.  They werent in the slightest interested in the rest or doing anything about it.   There will be no surgery with no work. so that is just out of the question.  I dont even think i can get my business sold or anything.  Truly wishing i was never born today.

[EllieM]

Sophia, I'm just reeling in disbelief. This is awful. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Don't let the bastards wear you down, my dear. I suppose that sounds contrite, easy for me to say... I'm not young and pretty like you. Here's something that may give you back some of your pluck:

http://www.sabrered.com/servlet/StoreFront

[Jess42]

The cops already know about most all of this, they did make the guy pay me, but they made me go there myself to collect it.  They werent in the slightest interested in the rest or doing anything about it.   There will be no surgery with no work. so that is just out of the question.  I dont even think i can get my business sold or anything.  Truly wishing i was never born today.

For what it's worth I am very happy you were born. Being trans sometimes... I really don't know what to say other than it does suck. Not everyone is the same and there are good people out there. Where there may be one bad person there are also ten that are good. Please just don't give up hope.

My God. You had to collect the money yourself?

[Sophia Hawke]

For what it's worth I am very happy you were born. Being trans sometimes... I really don't know what to say other than it does suck. Not everyone is the same and there are good people out there. Where there may be one bad person there are also ten that are good. Please just don't give up hope.

My God. You had to collect the money yourself?

I was so scared and i spent the entire time shaking when i went there.  Before that i was second guessing myself and telling myself i was overreacting and such.  Every time i went there with the cops to get the money he was never there, but somehow 10 minutes after he would always be there.  I tried to get him to meet me at a busy gas station and he refused and said he had no car.  When i got there though i was so scared i just couldnt stop shaking, and it seemed like he was enjoying the fact that i was terrified of him.    That was the moment that really shook me.  I feel so unprepared, like it just isnt safe for me to be out alone and that i'm not able to judge when things are unsafe or bad.   

[Jess42]

I was so scared and i spent the entire time shaking when i went there.  Before that i was second guessing myself and telling myself i was overreacting and such.  Every time i went there with the cops to get the money he was never there, but somehow 10 minutes after he would always be there.  I tried to get him to meet me at a busy gas station and he refused and said he had no car.  When i got there though i was so scared i just couldnt stop shaking, and it seemed like he was enjoying the fact that i was terrified of him.    That was the moment that really shook me.  I feel so unprepared, like it just isnt safe for me to be out alone and that i'm not able to judge when things are unsafe or bad.

I can definately understand the fear. But don't secondguess yourself though. Don't let this one person have control over you. Hold your head high no matter the fear you have and let this person know that they are not in control. I really know, it is way easier said than done. But do not let this monster destroy your life.

Contrary to popular belief, heroes and heroines do experience fear, it's overcoming that fear and having the courage to overcome that fear that makes one stronger. Show this person that he did not shake you in the least, even if you are scared crapless. That will definately take away thier power. I have faith in that you can be a true heroine. You just need to believe it.

[Jessica Merriman]

Contrary to popular belief, heroes and heroines do experience fear

As a Paramedic/Firefighter I can verify this! I lost more "brown" weight than sweat.

[Jess42]

As a Paramedic/Firefighter I can verify this! I lost more "brown" weight than sweat.

OMG!! I hope the "brown stuff" was the Baby Ruth you had to throw away when you got the call.

[Jessica Merriman]

OMG!! I hope the "brown stuff" was the Baby Ruth you had to throw away when you got the call.

I only wish! Something about exploding Phosphorous just well......................

Sophia just know the thought of transition scared me more, but with every day I live as the real me the fear subsides a little more. I hope you feel a little better knowing we have all been or are still where you are at now.

[Jess42]

I only wish! Something about exploding Phosphorous just well......................

Sophia just know the thought of transition scared me more, but with every day I live as the real me the fear subsides a little more. I hope you feel a little better knowing we have all been or are still where you are at now.

Never have there been truer words spoken. It definately is an ongoing process. But life in general, trans or cis has ups and downs. It just seems that our downs are lower than the cis population.

You have to look on the bright side though, we have susans.org to help us through with likeminded, caring, accepting and loving people that will help you with whatever problems you have. I believe there is more experience in life on this forum than what most people will ever experience in their own lifetime and so many good people here willing to help. In other words, we are here for you sister in your time of need. This goes for our brothers as well.

[Sophia Hawke]

Today i lost my business, and now im not speaking to my dad anymore.   Very soon im also going to need somewhere to go.  I just dont know what to do, am i am barely hanging on by a thread.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Sophia! My offer of the spare room is still standing. You will never be homeless if I can help it. PM me. 

[Sophia Hawke]

Hi Sophia! My offer of the spare room is still standing. You will never be homeless if I can help it. PM me. 

I will im figuring out what exactly im going to do.   My dad came to my house and tried to force his way into my apartment today, after he knew i didnt want to speak to him or have anything to do with him.  Even though my business is closed he still thinks its his since im not doing it.   He's got some dilusions that working for him on his business for 60-80hours a week for 2 years and getting nothing but a room in his house and food constitutes payment for work, like im just going to hand him my business after he screwed me.