feeling lost and alone

[Umiko]

everyone wants me to just give up. everyone wants me to throw away my life. i give and i give and i give even more but no one sees how much it takes out of me. everyone is calling me selfish, everyone says i shouldnt of done this. they keep trying to say it will only destroy you in the long run becuz i'm currently in a legal bind (no i didnt do anything wrong). my lawyer is against me transitioning, my mother says she'd support me but doesnt want me to transition. my urge to cut and slash is so strong i can barely think anymore. i lost all feeling and my emotions just evaporated. all hope i gain is just simply stepped onl and i'm forced back into the void of my sorrow. the only thing i have left to comfort me is my empty world. might as well just stay there and not return back. no one seems to want me happy. all they want is what they want. i've had it but i'm being overpowered left in right. i'm already dead inside so whats the point on fighting anymore. is it really worth it in the end when there isnt anymore in your corner. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling powerless. i just dont know what to do anymore.

[Jessica Merriman]

We love you and want you happy! 

PM me sweetie and rant away. I am here for you.

Please answer the PM I just sent you.

[Umiko]

happiness is outside of my range. i see what happiness can bring but i can never make it mine. all i'm left with is a yearning for the warmth but instead all i find is bitter cold and forever trapped in a vicious cycle of what i call my life. i cant escape from it. just like the sheep tied to a pole with rope, once i eat all the grass around me i will starve.

[Jessica Merriman]

Not true sweetie, you are just having a rough time right now. Keep Pming me. Most of us here have been where you are now so we get it, we really do. I am here to help you through it just like others did for me. That's how it works.

[Umiko]

maybe i still have a little hope left. not much but its all i got. i've saved it but i'm shocked i had to use it now. once this is gone, i'm just going to simply disappear

[Jessica Merriman]

Brianna with me on the job now energy is literally flowing into you right now. You are not going to disappear on my watch missy! Another PM sent. Like it or not this is one Flight Medic that gives up on no one!

[Umiko]

Brianna with me on the job now energy is literally flowing into you right now. You are not going to disappear on my watch missy! Another PM sent. Like it or not this is one Flight Medic that gives up on no one!

thnx sis. making this little bag of hope i have left feel much heavier and full

[HoneyStrums]

just like the sheep tied to a pole with rope, once i eat all the grass around me i will starve.

The smart sheep eats the grass to bide time to chews through the rope.

Your a smart sheep

[Jessica Merriman]

GOOD! Time to get a bigger bag though because I am not done yet. Another PM on the way.

[Umiko]

well i was hoping for some good news today but never got it. my depression is just increasing by the minute. i tried to force myself to eat, but now i want to just rid myself of it. sometimes i really hate being left alone and at the mercy of my own misery.

[Umiko]

well, i finally calmed down but damage was done. idk what to do anymore 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Im sorry you feel like that, most of us know that feel
you need to be strong

[Ltl89]

Let me share some personal history in hopes that maybe it can at least cheer you up or help on the hope front.  When I came out of the closet, my relationship with my family was very damaged.  My mother wasn't sure how to deal with this and was considering kicking me out, forcing me to go to reparative therapy (hell exorcism was mentioned), and was calling me names, threatneing me and warning me that the sky would fall.  None of the bad things she said would happen have come to light.  So far, I haven't been raped, murdered, beaten or anything else along those lines.  And my mother while upset has yet to kick me out and has been dealing with the changes as they come along, just very slowly (which is also true for me).  What people say to you in the beginning isn't a gurantee that they will always be there.  OF course it hurts like hell to be there and I wish I could take away that pain.  I'll never ever forget what it was all like, but please know that one day this may all just be an unpleasant memory and both your current reality and potential future could be much brighter.  For now, please continue to let it out and talk to us.  Just don't let the hope bag run out because you never know. 

[Ginny]

Keep hold of that little bit of hope and let it flourish Brianna! That's right, there are seeds in that bag to sprout new hope!  Remember all the good times you have had and are going to have!

I don't exactly know what you are going through, but I can imagine one thing or another.  There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish now and again. I was in the same boat with family and friends veimetly(sp) against what I was/am doing, but I had to continue on for myself. It was to the point where I was contemplating just wasting away but that path was not for me, nor is it for you! 

You will find many people who say "you can't do this" or "you don't have what it takes".  Ignore them.  They are too ignorant to see the potential that I believe lurks in everyone.  Yes! Even in you Brianna! Sure, you may face some setbacks on your journey, but there will also be good times ahead as well.  The people you meet here on these forums and new aqaintences you meet in your life are here for you.  Maybe not every minute of the day, but know that our thoughts and positive energy goes out to you to do with what you see fit.

Warm wishes and sending you good thoughts. And remember you are loved!
~Jen

[Umiko]

i thought about going on a psych watch. i'll see what happens tomorrow and i'll go in friday and request an observation and watch. its the only other thing i can think of

[Ginny]

As long as it is your decision and you feel that would be best for you, best of wishes. I sincerely hope you feel better, and get over whatever it is that's making you so down.
~Jen

[Umiko]

its my only other option. who knows, it might turn out to be what i need in this hellish time i'm in

[Ginny]

Whatever you do, keep us updated so we can be there if you need us.

[Ltl89]

There is no shame in going for help if you feel you need it, so please do what's best for you. The worst part of most struggles is when you feel you are facing it all alone.  Remember, we are all here for you.

[echo_artist]

Love, relax. I want you to be happy. There are people here that want you to be happy.
You hurting yourself will put you, and only you back. Now, I've cut,burn and tried to kill
myself. But what stopped me from doing that was the thought of, life will still go on.
Yes, people will be hurt and cry at first, they'll visit your grave. Years down the line, you'll
be a memory. Use your pain as your power. I want to see you looking fab as you can, I'll even
throw some clothes to you and a wig. I have random things.
If I can't make you happy as a friend, there will be someone out there who can.
There's too many of our people out there dying, I can't afford to find someone
who is near me going through the same pain, just give up.
You're a lovely person Brii, don't end it because of people trying to cut your dreams short.
Be strong, you have my number, don;t be a stranger.