Tips and Suggestions for Preventing Relapse and Dealing with Addiction.

[Ltl89]

Hello all,

I thought this would be a good topic for the forum as many of us who are trans happen to struggle with addiction of some sort and sadly didn't see a whole lot of resources in this section despite the prevalence of addictions in the lgbt community.  To those that once went through this battle, is there any advice you would give to someone on the verge of a relapse or trying to quite their addictions and is there any helpful tips that you would provide for those going through cravings or withdrawals on how to fully overcome it?  Anything that helped you make it through?  I welcome all tips on this, but specifically would welcome those that center around individual willpower and ways for people to cope alone with it all.  I think this discussion can do a lot of good for many of us and think it's an important topic to have on the board.

And please, no judgments on those who are struggling and trying to better themselves in this topic.  Let's make this a positive discussion that can maybe be helpful for someone today as well as many people tomorrow.  Also, I want this topic to be a general discussion for all types of addictions (doesn't just have to center around drugs and alcohol, so please feel free to share all different types of strategies and coping techniques for various addictions that you may have faced or overcome. 

Okay, please share away. 

[Vicky]

I am Vicky and I am an Alcoholic / prescription med addict, and Trans* person.

Addiction of any kind cannot be controlled by a person "doing it alone", or if it can be in ONE individual, I have to give them awe and honor above anything I could ever expect to find.  Addiction is so solitary and isolating by itself that in two periods of recovery (one for 16 years from which I relapsed, and now 5.5 years.)  I cannot imagine overcoming it on my own, I surely could not, and no other one of my many friends who are as free and joyful as I have become has done it alone. 

With the benefit of the internet, there are support systems that can help people with social anxiety virtually meet people to share with online.  I am one of the Mods on another site that has an AA/NA/*A chat where we deal exclusively with the TRANS* community.  Here at Susan's I am betting that the Chat Mods could find someone to do that here if it is not in operation.  There are Skype get together's as well out there for Trans* addicts. In real life with a person to person group the sponsor system has saved too many lives to be ignored.  It can be scary to open up to another person at first, but it is liberating and so joyous after time.

ADDICTION ISOLATES,          RECOVERY SETS US FREE IN A WONDERFUL WORLD. 

Again, the big point is that we need to let other people, and yes, a higher power, (which can be the "brain trust" of human friends who are committed to helping us when we cannot help ourselves) help us to take control of our lives where an addiction had made us slaves. 

My opening statement here is both a statement of humility for my past and of an emerging pride in who I am today. Medical professionals can prescribe drugs to help in the early phases of addiction recovery when we are at possible risk of sever physical damage, but you cannot fight the power that addictions have on your own.  I am willing to be a friend to any other addict who is suffering, but they have to want me as a friend first.  My willingness is part of what keeps me in recovery and free from the clutches of my enemy!!   

[Felix]

I like drugs and alcohol, and I think my main barrier against addiction (other than the happenstance of genetics and finances) is that I'm watched all the time. I can do unhealthy things and develop unhealthy habits, but only within the realm of what's socially acceptable and explainable in terms of being a parent. My kid would notice and ask loud questions if I got too destructive.

That said, I've had problems with compulsive behaviors, which feel very similar to addiction. I used to wash and bleach my hands until they were cracked and bloody all the time, and I spent years performing useless rituals, and I plucked all the hair off of various body parts until I got myself under control. Two things helped - engaging activities that conflicted with the compulsions, and brute force refusing over and over to continue a behavior once it began. If I was playing video games I couldn't use my hands to do other things. If I was dating someone and liked them enough I would forget to be crazy in my habits. Engaging in the compulsions was rewarding but I just kept trying and trying not to, and I took what I could get for progress. If I did really badly one day and not as bad the next, that was a victory. Eventually the really damaging habits dropped away. It has been at least a decade since my knuckles bled. I still feel pressure to perform rituals and stuff when I'm stressed, but I try to ignore it and not let it get out of control. I never ever judge myself too harshly if I do backslide a little.

I don't know how much of that can be generalized to drug-seeking behaviors, but the experience was as hellish and difficult to make progress with as typical addictions seem to be, and it took a superhuman desire for change. It's a lifelong problem.

All that said, I am not a fan of NA programs. I understand they have an excellent track record and can provide a lifesaving support group, but they seem a lot like a cult and I find that pretty alienating. I think some of their jargon and in-group/out-group policing is unhealthy as well. I've never seen an AA group that wasn't full of cigarette smokers either, which belies strange priorities in my eyes.

Do whatever works, though. That is more important than any quibbles over methods.

[Jill F]

Take a hot shower or find a hot tub to soak in.
Play or learn to play a musical instrument.
Call a friend or relative.
Watch something hysterically funny.
Go somewhere relaxing.
Go to the movies.
Make a cup of tea.
Hugs.
Go for a walk or bike ride.
Do something you've never done before.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for your input so far. 

All that said, I am not a fan of NA programs. I understand they have an excellent track record and can provide a lifesaving support group, but they seem a lot like a cult and I find that pretty alienating. I think some of their jargon and in-group/out-group policing is unhealthy as well. I've never seen an AA group that wasn't full of cigarette smokers either, which belies strange priorities in my eyes.

Do whatever works, though. That is more important than any quibbles over methods.

Yeah, I personally feel the same way.  That's just my own feeling though. 

[Vicky]

Shrugs!!     We'll be there for either of you when you decide you need us!!

[Ltl89]

Shrugs!!     We'll be there for either of you when you decide you need us!!

Please don't take my feelings on the overall community personal in anyway.  I'm sure they do a lot more good than anything and do much to help many many people out there.  That alone makes it worth looking into for a great deal of people.  And the fact that they help so many and do a great deal of good only speaks highly of the impact that they have. The only thing that I've found off putting is some members I've interacted with in the past, at least in my own experience, can be a tad judgmental of those who that aren't religious.  While that may be an exercise of individual human error rather than a reflection of the organizations stance or even the majority of it's members, it's something I've noticed when interacting with some and it put me off.  Personally, the only thing Christianity did for me was give me a hard childhood and a sexually abused family member that never got justice.  That's not to say there is anything wrong with being religious in any way, it's just my own perspective and experience with organized religion and I'd prefer to maintain my own belief system.  That being said, I'm sure it works for many people out there and does a great deal of good in this world despite whatever misgivings I may have.  I just, personally, would rather go to a group that was more secular in it's nature and something more open to atheists and non-spiritual in it's overall nature.

Again, I very much appreciate your comment.  You guys do a lot of good and should continue to do that.  And I hope that everyone that views this thread will consider your group in their quest for sobriety.  I welcome all different views in this thread as I want the focus to be on treatments of all kind because there is really no one shoe fits all cure to get over an addiction and those groups can do a lot of good for many people. 

[LordKAT]

The groups have similar 'rules' but the individuals are all different. I like NA better here but may not somewhere else. The religion aspect is often there but not always. They do believe that you need to believe in a higher power, that higher power can be positive friends if need be, or collective consciousness, whatever you choose.

[Vicky]

LordKAT has put it very well as far as meetings and groups go, and in the spiritual belief issue.  You pick it.

I have left meetings myself when people in any large number started telling ME how and what to believe in a religious setting, and simply went to another meeting where they got back to 12 stepping.  It is a sad satisfaction that I later find these people with little or no progress out of addiction, because they have replaced the addiction of a drug or behavior with an addiction to religion. SIGH.  That is NOT how the program works, but hey, they are people.

We have an AA club that meets at my church, and when I go to that meeting, I don't even mention that I am a member of it (except one night when someone forgot to open the restrooms and I had a key), because it makes no difference in how I work my steps or help them work theirs.  I attend another meeting at a church of a different denomination which thinks my church is full of prunes and going to wherever they are not in the afterlife.  It does not matter, because inside the meeting I am welcome simply because I have the desire to stop abusing my drug of choice.

My Higher Power ( as I understand such to be) may well be the same deity or whatever that both my parish and this other church claim to be the center of their worship, but it is not important that it be that way.  The point is that I CANNOT CONTROL MY OWN LIFE and win over the drugs that have addicted me without some help outside of myself.  What name or shape that help takes is my Higher Power when I need it and as I need it, but need it I do. 

It is not who or what (if anything) you name a Higher Power, how you believe they look, or if they brush their teeth after meals but it is admitting that you cannot control your life by yourself.  Trying to find that control in ourselves is what makes our addiction even worse, because we thereby give the addiction itself control of our lives.  Addiction itself is a HIGHER POWER, and one we are totally helpless against on our own.  If you are abusing, you already worship an HP and have given your full life to it.  SHRUGs again!!   

No comments necessary, but there is a look of love and understanding of where you are on my face and my heart holds out hope for you.

[Jessica Merriman]

It is not who or what (if anything) you name a Higher Power, how you believe they look, or if they brush their teeth after meals but it is admitting that you cannot control your life by yourself.  Trying to find that control in ourselves is what makes our addiction even worse, because we thereby give the addiction itself control of our lives.  Addiction itself is a HIGHER POWER, and one we are totally helpless against on our own.  If you are abusing, you already worship an HP and have given your full life to it.  SHRUGs again!!   

Thanks Vicky! This is exactly what I have been unsuccessfully trying to say. Good job Sis! 

[JLT1]

The realization that if I kept doing this bad thing, I was going to die or be maimed for life.  It was actually the maimed thing that frightened me more.  I used that fear as motivation.

I kept busy for the first few months and didn't give myself time to think or to slide back.  Slowly I went into normal person mode.

I found other things to do to keep me from old habits.

I prayed – a lot.  I was alone except for that.

Hugs,

Jen

[eClare]

I am an alcoholic in recovery who was taught to trust god, clean house and help others. This is really a summary of the 12 steps of AA and most recovery programs. Basically, I must remain spiritually fit and avoid being  self centered. And I had to dump the garbage that I was carrying around with me for so long -- garbage that was based on fear and was a source of shame. For me, working the steps has been the key to dealing with that self centered fear that had ruled my life.

I am not naturally inclined to socialize with others, and that can get me into trouble. A relapse for me would begin with isolating. And isolating is what I have always been inclined to do. To prevent relapse, I must talk to another recovering alcoholic on a regular basis, and then get outside myself by helping someone else, alcoholic or not.

[Athena]

As an outsider to this struggle I would say find something that makes you feel good, good about yourself or even relaxing/calming and every time you feel the urge to slip then do that activity instead. Try to trick your brain into thinking that's what you are craving.

But most important find the hope and courage that you need not to slip back into the habit. That one sip of alcohol, that one hit of drugs that one brownie does hurt and can destroy everything you worked for.

And never give up!

[TessaMarie]

Hi LtL,

I am an agnostic addict with 17 years clean who regularly attends NA meetings.  I can address some of what you have said.

... The only thing that I've found off putting is some members I've interacted with in the past, at least in my own experience, can be a tad judgmental of those who that aren't religious.  While that may be an exercise of individual human error rather than a reflection of the organizations stance or even the majority of it's members, it's something I've noticed when interacting with some and it put me off. 

THIS !! ... I have found it very, very difficult to find a few meetings where I won't have "God" forced at me, or, even worse, have to endure people flinging the 5-letter J-word about, assuming I agree with everything they say & getting indignant when I don't. 

Personally, the only thing Christianity did for me was give me a hard childhood and a sexually abused family member that never got justice.  That's not to say there is anything wrong with being religious in any way, it's just my own perspective and experience with organized religion and I'd prefer to maintain my own belief system.

The worst pain in my childhood was a direct result of strict adherence to church teaching.  There is a reason I regard the J-word as a more incediary curse than anything else.  I have reason to hate (a strong word, used intentionally) dogmatic religion and am not at all shy about letting fly at anyone who tries to shove it in my face.

That being said, I'm sure it works for many people out there and does a great deal of good in this world despite whatever misgivings I may have.  I just, personally, would rather go to a group that was more secular in it's nature and something more open to atheists and non-spiritual in it's overall nature.

Again, I very much appreciate your comment.  You guys do a lot of good and should continue to do that.  And I hope that everyone that views this thread will consider your group in their quest for sobriety.  I welcome all different views in this thread as I want the focus to be on treatments of all kind because there is really no one shoe fits all cure to get over an addiction and those groups can do a lot of good for many people.

And yes, NA has helped me a whole lot.  I have had to be selective about the meetings I choose to attend, but I have found a few within a few miles of my house where religion is not forced upon me.  They still joke with me about my refusal to say the word "God", but very, very little because they do know how short a fuse I have about it & why. 

I would echo Vicky's statement that trying to stay free of drugs all by ourselves is almost certainly an exercise in futility.

We need some external support to get clean & to stay clean.  Many times my sponsor just listens to me in silence, looks at me when I finish talking & says "Uh-huh", as I realise that I have answered my own questions as I talked them through in front of another human being.  The people in my support network whom I value the most are not those who have answers for me, but those who have better questions for me than I am able to provide for myself on my own.

We humans need each other's company.  If you want to stay clean, you will need to find some support from others.  It does not matter too much where you find the support, but an NA meeting with people willing to respect your religious views would be a very good place to start looking.  Such meetings do exist, although you may have to try a few (or even many) meetings before you find one with which you are comfortable.  You mentioned moving to Philly a while ago.  If you do, then you will find many AA & NA meetings in Centre City (& some elsewhere) where you will not be judged.

You can PM me asking to chat if you want.  I work very long hours just now (Tue-Fri) & cannot be available most of the time, although I have taken a few days off to attend Philly Trans Health Conference this week.  So you would need others in your support network also.  Do not rely solely on one person, or even one group of people.  For example:  Even though I am very active in NA, it was a TG chat room that brought me through a particularly bad bout of depression last January. 

"An addict alone is in bad company."  Build your support network & you will have a very good chance of staying clean.

Tessa

[Jessica90]

Ok so I decided I would share a little lol so this goes back a few years I started drinking and doing drugs when I was 13 it took me almost 9-10 yrs to quit drugs my experience I started noticing my friends were either in jail or dieing my "group" of friends we always like to push the limits I did uppers downers pain killers lsd and we'll you get the picture when I was younger I wanted to try everything but I felt alone even with people around I found one night while really thinking holy Crap my life is going no where and if i keep going I'm going to kill myself over something as stupid as this I can't say it was easy but my will power was to live I stopped talking to most of my friends that were doing drugs and just tried to start over

On the alcohol.... dun dun dun I always feel like this one is huge I've always been a big drinker and always had fun I have my moments and this one I'm still trying to kick the habit tho I had a bad scare a year back I was hospitalized and my bac was a .39 I was told by the doctor that I shouldn't be alive the only thing that saved me is that I am an alcoholic so in the last year I've been set back by trying to realize I want to live I guess the message I try to tell is if you want to live you have the inner strength to stop anything bad addiction and anything else in my situation I feel very blessed to be Alive and I feel I have a purpose here any who I know this is an old thread. But thought ide share

[allisonsteph]

My name is Allison and I am and addict. I have been clean for 41 days.

I really enjoy reading about other people's coping strategies and look forward to seeing more. For once in my life I am trying to keep an open mind and listen to various points of view. For years I avoided any twelve step programme because of the "higher power" aspect. While I admire people of faith and am glad they find comfort and strength in believing in a higher power, it is simply not for me.

That being said, I reached a low enough point in my life that I was willing to try anything. Six weeks ago today I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for 12 days. Upon my discharge I was sleeping on the streets. Something compelled me to seek out an NA meeting. Part of it was a desire to change; and to be honest, part of it was the need to get out of the sun and 106 degree temperature for at least and hour or two.

I'm still homeless and have been bouncing around from sofa to sofa while I wait for a bed in a homeless shelter. Because I have moved so much I have had the opportunity to check out several different NA meetings and groups. I have only found one that the religious aspect was too overbearing for me. I am fortunate that there are five other meetings at four other venues within walking distance of where I am currently sleeping. I am amazed at how welcome and accepted as a woman I have felt and by how much comfort I have found at these meetings.

At one meeting I had a member put god into a perspective that I could accept and work with: Group Of Druggies.

So I am guessing what I am trying to say is while you may not be a religious or spiritual person, give a 12 step programme a chance. Go to a meeting and see if it is something you can work with. You are under no obligation to stay or return if it doesn't work for you. You may be surprised as much as I was that it is something that works for you.

[Tessa James]

There are any number of real time support groups and online resources for assistance available in even the most rural areas.  Some of us have real challenges dealing with the formulaic 12 step type programs and from my research I don't believe they have any better outcomes than "cold turkey" and rational recovery type programs.  Having good mentors or a social support network while being honest and public about myself have been most helpful for me.  That is how i quit cigarettes and when alcohol consumption most troubled my life i quit that for a year+.  Recidivism is an acute problem and i hope rather than argue the merits of programs we can focus on what really works for us.  There is huge industry in the USA built around addictions & recovery and it is hard to separate the hoopla from the hopeful some days.
My wife often says;  "it is OK to be uncomfortable for a bit to reach our goals" and  "The urge to use is temporary, it will pass; we can choose to use or let it pass."  Each successful day we enjoy builds confidence and strength.  Good luck to all of us.

[ThePersona]

Get help immediately, be it from "God", a trusted family member or friend, a teacher, or therapist GET HELP IMMEDIATELY the longer you hold on to the addiction the harder it gets to quit, humans are creatures of habit and so in order to break a habit we don't let it become a habit. Or at least try not to. Our brains love patterns.