Social Anxiety anyone?

[Debussy]

I have experienced some of my worst dysphoria in the last couple weeks... Because of this, my sense of hope has gone down and I have developed a rather insidious social anxiety. I have had social anxiety for years before, but never this bad.

I feel uncomfortable around anyone but my partner and 2 of my friends. (well I feel chronic discomfort, even when I'm alone. it's just way less with them.) It doesn't even matter how I'm presenting anymore really- I'm uncomfortable presenting male and uncomfortable presenting female. I don't feel comfortable going in the mens stall or the womens stall. When I  went in the mens, people saw me and think they went into the wrong restroom. And when I go in the womens- I constantly think people will be able to tell what I am if I don't just dart in and dart out.

Presenting androgynous also gives me anxiety because I feel people still interact with me as a male, especially when I'm holding my child and they say 'daddy'. I don't feel confident enough to request female pronouns- because I'm not presenting female either. And male pronouns trigger me... So I generally just avoid going out anywhere or interacting with anyone because its really stressful.

So has anyone developed bad social anxiety at some point in transition? This point feels super awkward and I don't feel confident with anything. I feel like a weird mix of genuine and ungenuine qualities- sort of in between two worlds, and I'm there all alone.
I have a feeling that more physical changes from estrogen will help this anxiety. So far it has pulled me away from my male body, but I'm still being delivered to my female body- and it's a bumpy, slow ride.

[EmoAlice]

I'm right there with ya.  Unfortunately I don't have advice for you.  For me, trying things and not getting a bad reaction works well, but then even the slightest bad reaction or slight change to the situation and I'm right back where I started, so I'm not sure how to get better.

[Goldfish]

Not yet, but I'm sure if it did happen, I wouldn't notice anyway due to how screwed up past 'friends' left me. It sounds like you're a bit further 'ahead' than I am though. I currently have a tiny amount of visible facial hair and dress andro. Until the start of the week I had much more hair which I haven't managed to find a way to cover yet (matter of finding somewhere that sells the makeup I need). And so, I have only just started to entertain the idea of presenting in more female clothing and facing some of the issues you have mentioned. The closest I've come is shopping for clothes and trying to blend in a bit by looking more confident in more 'female situations' like bra/underwear browsing. Rather than someone who is scared to be seen there.
Pretty much everything you say has crossed my mind though. At this point it just feels like the usual 'how do I look' stuff. Could change as I push it further though. So given my limited experience, I might be about to say a load of crap 

Why is it that you are uncomfortable with presenting female? Is it just because of how the dysphoria makes you feel, or are there more specific things like wondering if you'll pass? Did you feel more confident with the idea of presenting female before the dysphoria got worse? You mentioned that you have tried using the women's toilets.
What I'm thinking is that maybe presenting female, getting some experience with it and getting used to a bit more might help. It'll be hard to start with, but sometimes it's the only way. Seems like a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't situation.

If you continue to present as male (or even andro) is just going to perpetuate your current situation. You'll never find out whether your fears (or discomfort) with presenting female are justified with respect to how people see you. If you present female and no one says anything/reacts oddly it could be because you are 'passing' or they don't want to say anything. Either way, you might feel better. If some people do notice and say stuff, as horrible as it will feel, you'll at least have some idea where you stand. I feel hesitant to say that it might be a good idea to try though, because I don't know you, hrt status, general emotional state, etc. You might be devastated if someone says something. But it seems to me that learning to deal with that and using it as feedback is essential for us. Just a brutal part of learning.
You mentioned more changes from estrogen, so I'm guessing you haven't been on hrt that long? So another way to look at it if you don't 'pass' is that you tried too soon. Brush it off with that and wait a while longer.
Again, I don't know enough about you or have the needed experience myself to say that this will help, it's just how I would react and another way of seeing things can be useful. And yeah, I've found in some ways my dysphoria is getting worse as my body changes, because of the bits that won't/aren't changing. So you're definitely not alone with this    *hug*

[Ltl89]

I can relate with the bad social anxiety.  However, I did want to say that what you are experiencing is actually quite common.  I'm in the process of transitioning and can tell you that the in-between stage is pretty awkward.  You feel like you don't belong in either camp and people don't know how to take you.  Even if their eyes aren't on you, they may as well be because of the projection of your own feelings.  Honestly, I haven't gotten passed this myself, but I've found that time heals things and experience can desensitize you in the end.  I think the only thing you can do is allow the changes to continue and make the best of the situation that you are in.  And while breaking your comfort limits and exposing yourself to new experiences is good, please go at a pace that you can handle.  You don't want to crash and burn.  If you feel awkward, remember that this is all a process and will take time.  No shame in that and you have to handle it the best way that suits you and the current circumstances that you face. 

Anyway, if there is one thing that helps me throughout all of this, I try to remind myself that people aren't so bad and not everyone is out to hurt me.  Sure, I might feel like the grandmother at the check out line is thinking "messed up transperson behind me" but how do you really know?  Once I stop projecting, things get easier.  Of course, I'm still too afraid to present the way I'd like and find myself hiding in my house, so I'm not one to talk.  In any event, I feel for you and hope you will make it through this in time. 

[Debussy]

I'm right there with ya.  Unfortunately I don't have advice for you.  For me, trying things and not getting a bad reaction works well, but then even the slightest bad reaction or slight change to the situation and I'm right back where I started, so I'm not sure how to get better.

It's just good to know I'm not here all alone with these sort of thoughts. It's funny, I do feel like like I've gone 'back where I started' or just backwards in general for some reason. Why would my dysphoria be getting worse? lol

Not yet, but I'm sure if it did happen, I wouldn't notice anyway due to how screwed up past 'friends' left me. It sounds like you're a bit further 'ahead' than I am though. I currently have a tiny amount of visible facial hair and dress andro. Until the start of the week I had much more hair which I haven't managed to find a way to cover yet (matter of finding somewhere that sells the makeup I need). And so, I have only just started to entertain the idea of presenting in more female clothing and facing some of the issues you have mentioned. The closest I've come is shopping for clothes and trying to blend in a bit by looking more confident in more 'female situations' like bra/underwear browsing. Rather than someone who is scared to be seen there.
Pretty much everything you say has crossed my mind though. At this point it just feels like the usual 'how do I look' stuff. Could change as I push it further though. So given my limited experience, I might be about to say a load of crap 

Why is it that you are uncomfortable with presenting female? Is it just because of how the dysphoria makes you feel, or are there more specific things like wondering if you'll pass? Did you feel more confident with the idea of presenting female before the dysphoria got worse? You mentioned that you have tried using the women's toilets.
What I'm thinking is that maybe presenting female, getting some experience with it and getting used to a bit more might help. It'll be hard to start with, but sometimes it's the only way. Seems like a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't situation.

If you continue to present as male (or even andro) is just going to perpetuate your current situation. You'll never find out whether your fears (or discomfort) with presenting female are justified with respect to how people see you. If you present female and no one says anything/reacts oddly it could be because you are 'passing' or they don't want to say anything. Either way, you might feel better. If some people do notice and say stuff, as horrible as it will feel, you'll at least have some idea where you stand. I feel hesitant to say that it might be a good idea to try though, because I don't know you, hrt status, general emotional state, etc. You might be devastated if someone says something. But it seems to me that learning to deal with that and using it as feedback is essential for us. Just a brutal part of learning.
You mentioned more changes from estrogen, so I'm guessing you haven't been on hrt that long? So another way to look at it if you don't 'pass' is that you tried too soon. Brush it off with that and wait a while longer.
Again, I don't know enough about you or have the needed experience myself to say that this will help, it's just how I would react and another way of seeing things can be useful. And yeah, I've found in some ways my dysphoria is getting worse as my body changes, because of the bits that won't/aren't changing. So you're definitely not alone with this    *hug*

Well actually I still have some visible facial hair too. I mostly dress andro if I do go out in public. I have gone out it all female clothes a few times, which is when I used the womens restroom. I didn't talk to anyone, though. This sort of method of passing is based on the theory that if they don't have more than .5 seconds to look at me, then they'll just gender me based on my clothing- as I dart away!

I'm uncomfortable presenting female except with several select people. I feel inadequate- really. I'm worried about not passing... I wasn't more comfortable presenting female before the rise in dysphoria. I am extremely weighed down by my perception of my appearance. People gendering me male makes me very sad, so walking around and people noticing I'm trans is like they're still gendering me wrong- cuz I think that most people would just see me as a confused male. Nobody has said anything to me, and nobody stared at me the last time I went out in girls clothes. People stare at me more when I dress andro.

I've been on HRT for 6 months, but I feel like the changes are going very slow... I thought there was something wrong if my dysphoria was getting worse, I thought it meant I was doing the wrong thing- I'd rather die than detransition *_* Thank you for helping me not feel so alone...

I can relate with the bad social anxiety.  However, I did want to say that what you are experiencing is actually quite common.  I'm in the process of transitioning and can tell you that the in-between stage is pretty awkward.  You feel like you don't belong in either camp and people don't know how to take you.  Even if their eyes aren't on you, they may as well be because of the projection of your own feelings.  Honestly, I haven't gotten passed this myself, but I've found that time heals things and experience can desensitize you in the end.  I think the only thing you can do is allow the changes to continue and make the best of the situation that you are in.  And while breaking your comfort limits and exposing yourself to new experiences is good, please go at a pace that you can handle.  You don't want to crash and burn.  If you feel awkward, remember that this is all a process and will take time.  No shame in that and you have to handle it the best way that suits you and the current circumstances that you face. 

Anyway, if there is one thing that helps me throughout all of this, I try to remind myself that people aren't so bad and not everyone is out to hurt me.  Sure, I might feel like the grandmother at the check out line is thinking "messed up transperson behind me" but how do you really know?  Once I stop projecting, things get easier.  Of course, I'm still too afraid to present the way I'd like and find myself hiding in my house, so I'm not one to talk.  In any event, I feel for you and hope you will make it through this in time. 

It's good to know its common. That means people get past it, right?

the projection of my own feelings is extremely intense. My perception of myself is terrifying. I feel like all the progress I've made is due to desensitization, which may or may not be good.

Even if people aren't as bad as I think, and if people aren't out to hurt me... It still hurts being seen as male and causes anxiety. I guess I'll just have to stop projecting, but then what happens when someone actually says something, and I was just pretending no one noticed? I don't want to be gendered male or trans, each of these connect me to that guy I was. I want him to just disappear.

So thank you...  atleast now I have some more hope that we'll make it through this.

to quote emily yesterday..

Sure I see myself now and still think "yeah, impossible that this could ever be considered fully female" but I know that these thoughts are common so I just try to keep telling myself "soon enough Ill have my looking back moment and realize how foolish I was to worry"

and also, these lyrics fit...

[Ltl89]

It's just good to know I'm not here all alone with these sort of thoughts. It's funny, I do feel like like I've gone 'back where I started' or just backwards in general for some reason. Why would my dysphoria be getting worse? lol

Well actually I still have some visible facial hair too. I mostly dress andro if I do go out in public. I have gone out it all female clothes a few times, which is when I used the womens restroom. I didn't talk to anyone, though. This sort of method of passing is based on the theory that if they don't have more than .5 seconds to look at me, then they'll just gender me based on my clothing- as I dart away!

I'm uncomfortable presenting female except with several select people. I feel inadequate- really. I'm worried about not passing... I wasn't more comfortable presenting female before the rise in dysphoria. I am extremely weighed down by my perception of my appearance. People gendering me male makes me very sad, so walking around and people noticing I'm trans is like they're still gendering me wrong- cuz I think that most people would just see me as a confused male. Nobody has said anything to me, and nobody stared at me the last time I went out in girls clothes. People stare at me more when I dress andro.

I've been on HRT for 6 months, but I feel like the changes are going very slow... I thought there was something wrong if my dysphoria was getting worse, I thought it meant I was doing the wrong thing- I'd rather die than detransition *_* Thank you for helping me not feel so alone...

It's good to know its common. That means people get past it, right?

the projection of my own feelings is extremely intense. My perception of myself is terrifying. I feel like all the progress I've made is due to desensitization, which may or may not be good.

Even if people aren't as bad as I think, and if people aren't out to hurt me... It still hurts being seen as male and causes anxiety. I guess I'll just have to stop projecting, but then what happens when someone actually says something, and I was just pretending no one noticed? I don't want to be gendered male or trans, each of these connect me to that guy I was. I want him to just disappear.

So thank you...  atleast now I have some more hope that we'll make it through this.

to quote emily yesterday..

and also, these lyrics fit...

Remember, that 6 months on hormones is a relatively short period.  In fact, it took me that long before I really noticed anything worth talking about.  And even under a year, things are still changing at that point.  Not to mention dose changing and all that. 

I'm the worst person to talk about addressing social phobia as it's my biggest problem myself.  Let me say though that everyone starts in these shoes and most of them find a way out.  I still haven't but those before me give me some hope.  For now, just take the steps you are comfortable with as you go.  No need to push yourself too hard.  And of course remember that this is all a process.  The changes will always be slower than you want them to be.  It's something we all have to adjust with, unfortunately.