how to talk to my kind of open minded partner

[ElioAyla]

So I'm in need of some advice from guys who have been through a similar situation. I'll try not to write a novel of background information. 

I've been with my fiance, partner, live in lover for about 5 years now. We spent a good amount of that time traveling together, and spent almost all of our time together. We've recently become more stable and going to school, working, etc. He's known since out first week together that I consider myself genderqueer. He doesn't have a problem with it. He's said that he feels as though he is a lesbian, and he is emotional and sensitive and needy like a female, but he's comfortable as a man and has never expressed any interest in transitioning. In fact, he reacts negatively to the idea of surgery (of any kind, not just trans related) and thinks hormones are unsafe because they are synthetic.

He doesn't have any idea how important transitioning is to me.  I guess I'm transdrogynous, very unsure at this time.

I have serious dysphoria  about my body, but not sure how far I want to go as far as transitioning. But that's another post.

I do know that I want to present as male, and that I feel a hell of a lot more normal in social situations as a guy. My social dysphoria is even worse than my physical dysphoria.

Anyone dealt with coming out to a semi openminded partner? Should I make subtle hints? I'm not one for big weepy coming out talks, and neither is my partner. Any experiences would probably help. I'm feeling pretty lost right about now.

If this is in the wrong section or if it's been asked too many times, just tell me so.         

[LordKAT]

Right section and feel free to ask.

I haven't personally dealt with telling a partner. I do think open honest talk is the best way for most things. A few hints until you are ready for that conversation shouldn't hurt though,.

[Spiritwlker]

The problem with subtle (or not so subtle) hints is that they will be processed through the other persons filter. He may or may not get what you're saying, and that's likely to make you frustrated. Personally I think the best approach is to be upfront, honest and extremely clear. You said you aren't one for big "weepy" confessions or anything like that. This doesn't have to be one. Just sit down with your partner and be open. Just be prepared for a wide range of responses. Best of luck.

[antonia]

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years, from the very night we met she's always been more confrontational than me and so it's been with most things, I'm the neat freak while she throws her clothes on the floor, I always wash my dirty dishes while she piles them into the sink, I shave my body hair but she does not, and so on and on.

When I started my MTF transition back in January I started by telling her what I was thinking, I can't say she was happy but at the same time she was very understanding and after a few talks we came to the conclusion that despite everything we love each other and are not only partners but great friends. In the end we agreed that our relationship is working as it is and if either of us feels like that has changed we will bring it up at that time and discuss what we want to do. Neither of us is the weepy kind and we both agree that there is no reason to make this an issue unless it becomes a problem

I'm not sure if this helps but my only advice is to be honest and keep a good dialogue going.

[pianoforte]

I have some similar questions, so I'm going to tag along and follow this thread. (I am rather new here - does posting in a thread make me "follow" it? That is my goal.)

~ pianoforte

[Hex]

I actually kind of dealt with this too. Been with my cismale husband for going on 10 years now. I presented as female up until this year but I had started kind of leaning male (carrying my self, stealing his clothes ect) for well over 3+ years now.
He's a pretty open minded guy. He's bi, has a panty fetish(please don't tell him I told you all that) and actually enjoys me referring to him as my wife(he's not trans at least as far as I know but just likes some girly stuff which is A ok by me)

So yeah, pretty far wide open there as it goes and I STILL had the most difficult time coming out. Totally overblown paranoia on my part. But I think if you sit down and express to him by saying something like, "Hey, I know this is what you think about this stuff for yourself and I know you personally don't want any of that. But I personally feel I do. It's eating at me and I feel like it's the right thing for me personally to do. I want to try it and would love if I had your support as I tried these things for my self."

That's kinda how I got the conversation going with my husband. Explained I had done a lot of research and felt this is what I wanted and needed to do for my self and he was all yeah, go for it. As long as your happy ect.

Of course this is all just literally my personal experience. But as I always say, "It never hurts to try. The worst answer you can get is a no."

[Polo]

I haven't been in a relationship for as long (almost a year), but have been going through something similar with my girlfriend. She is not trans so doesn't totally get where I'm coming from, and once expressed a fear about hormones and what they would do for my health. The best thing I did towards that end was doing my homework, and telling her what I found. She's now much more comfortable with the idea. People often just fear what they don't know, and aren't exposed to. We're not big on long drawn out ordeal talks either, and have had more of a series of semi casual conversations. It's really just a matter of biting the bullet and bringing it up.

[Polo]

And pianoforte, you can either check back on this page, click the "show new replies to your post" link under your name by your picture, or add a bookmark. And welcome

[ElioAyla]

Thanks for all the replies! And good advice too.
The only thing I can do is ease into it, and express to him how I'm feeling. Doing my homework and having good info to back up my plans will help a ton. I was thinking about trying "natural" transitioning first, but not sure what effects I would really see from that.
 
Hex, i think i might use those words exactly.     that sounds really smooth


   

[Gene]

Update us on how the conversation goes. We're here for you

[Danee]

I think it's a difficult situation but the best way to do it is to be upfront about it. I came out to my boyfriend almost 3 weeks ago as a transgender person. I was born male and up to this point I've been living as a gay man, but I know there's something different me, I don't consider myself 100% female, not at all, so I guess the best way to describe myself is androgynous/genderqueer/genderfluid.

Anyways, I told him and it definitely helped me gain some perspective about MY own situation and the real life effects that it may have. So just be upfront and very honest about it as somebody else suggested.

[Felix]

Honesty is important. Be careful not to try to change or suppress yourself too much to please him, and help him understand that your particular opinions and choices about transition will likely change and evolve even if your core identity is pretty fixed.

I had a couple times when I was younger and tried to come out to boyfriends, and it just didn't work. They didn't believe me, or they did but thought they could change my mind, or whatever. I was without the right language back then and turning to the internet wasn't an option, so I didn't know what to do.

Later I came out to a very openminded boyfriend, but we had already had some trouble so our situation was different. I was not trying to necessarily keep the relationship together, and while we didn't immediately break up over my transition, it was easy to drift apart after talking about it. We continued to be physically compatible until I had a lot of hair, and now we're just good friends.

When I talked to him the first time about it, I was very forward. Years of knowing me and all manner of clues didn't do anything, partly because we were (and are) both of the belief that a woman can be as masculine as she wants and vice versa and that's no big deal. So I couldn't count on him just realizing on his own where I was headed.