Forgetting Your Reasons Why

[Misato]

First: I regret nothing. However,

I had reasons at the time I started transition. I can watch videos of myself I made back then and read posts I wrote but while I remember what I said I don't remember all that well where I was coming from. I don't remember how nasty testosterone was for me. I don't remember the social issues that drove me to transition. Even if I did remember those issues, how similar the grass is on the women's side compared to the boys leaves me wondering if I really had to do all this.

What I also think gums up the works for me is I don't need SRS. I mean, I messed up the maintenance of my ear piercings! Dilating for the rest of my life? I just don't trust myself and I'm not dysphoric enough about what I've got to make myself do it anyway. That said, I did get very upset the other day when I had a photo taken of me and I thought my adam's apple had like a spotlight on it. That one moment is like a validation right now that I did the right thing and I did the only thing that would have saved me from the angry person and alcoholic I was.

Still. I was looking at some pictures my SO and I took of us together back in 2009. We remain together and are getting along the best we ever have, so why am I dwelling on those pics? Well I am and I look at that guy I was and I wonder, "What would have happened if he just knew what I learned from transition? That people don't just suck? That he should have an open mind and treat people as individuals? That I was the cause of most of the problems in my life? What would he have had to do with our life then?"

Again, no regrets and I'm not about to throw on a tie tomorrow for work or detransition. That I find the idea unattractive should be enough for me to know today I did right when I've forgotten my original reasons. Still, this is a weighty thing. I'm almost a year and five months full time and everywhere I go my mind pings me with, "That person saw my past." "That person knows I'm trans." and the bugger of it is one reason I do remember I did this was because I wanted to think about something other than transition and that hasn't happened yet and I'm doubtful it ever will because I've got those 34 years living as a guy and my wide shoulders and my height. Perhaps worse, I have a mind that likes to think too much.

Fortunately for me my mind is also thinking I need to go to sleep but I'm still going to hit post to see what y'all have got to say.

[helen2010]

Misato

I think it is normal to have regrets, momentary 'what ifs' etc but as you said when you know that you have made the right decision you own that decision as indeed you appear to do.

It was a little less clear cut for me.  I didn't see myself as male but there again I didn't see myself as 100 per cent female either, and in fact increasingly felt that my identity and ideal expression was less binary and more fluid.  Luckily I worked this out along the way so have ended up transitioning to GQ with a flexible but increasingly androgynous appearance.  I could not live without hrt (and believe me I tried to stop 3 times and failed), and I like having a more feminised/androgynous body to complement my brain which is no longer plagued with dysphoria, so I am now in a very good, if unexpected place.

Given my journey I suspect that if I had fully transitioned to female, with or without GCS, I would have needed to find my way back to where I could best express my non binary identity i.e. GQ/androgynous. 

But as for my journey - I also regret absolutely nothing!

Aisla

[HoneyStrums]

I think Its a matter of focus,

what if I? or what if you wasn't you? and was a different person with a different experience that saw things in a different way and made a different choice?

What if you knew more? but you didn't?
what if you was? when you wasn't?
what if you did, when you didn't?
what if you could when you couldn't?
what if you didn't when you did?

[Seras]

I have read about loads of people in the internet who have transitioned and then they are all like "what was the big deal?". I think it is quite normal you know I don't think foiir most peopel that their gender is a massive deal. It isn't like CIS men and women are super psyched all the time about being the gender they are, they just are. Sounds like from what you wrote you were kinda miserable before, surely you were to go through all of this stuff. Grass can't be that equal.

[suzifrommd]

I'm almost a year and five months full time and everywhere I go my mind pings me with, "That person saw my past." "That person knows I'm trans." and the bugger of it is one reason I do remember I did this was because I wanted to think about something other than transition and that hasn't happened yet and I'm doubtful it ever will because I've got those 34 years living as a guy and my wide shoulders and my height.

OK, Paige, Brutal truth time. Please don't hate me.

You can't outrun your past. It's always a part of you. You will always be a trans woman, just as you will always be a woman regardless of whether you present as male or female.

I've read about people who "just want to be women" and pretend they never lived presenting any other way. I can't fathom that. I learned a lot transitioning, and it was a big part of what made me who I am. I also learned a lot in the 50 years I lived as a male, and that's also made me part of who I am. I'm so much more than what's happened in the 11 months since I became full time.

What's important is that you're comfortable who you are now. Is being Paige more authentically you than being who you were before? For me that's the ONLY benefit I can reasonably expect of transition - to be authentically myself. Everything else, including Gender Identity Euphoria, a better social life, a better self-image, etc., is icing on the cake.

Expecting transition to erase your past is asking too much. Sure it might happen, but it's not a reason to transition.

If this isn't helpful, or it runs counter to your experiences, please ignore it. But you asked, and I'm giving you what I know.

[Misato]

The act of transition forced me to take down the barriers I had put up regarding how I thought the world was. That's been the key to me starting to enjoy my life. I don't know how much being a woman now has played into my current enjoyment because in most ways I'm the same person, I just have a different, warmer, world view from how I was treated through transition.

I'm just tired of those pings I mentioned and I feel like I can't win because the thoughts that pass through my mind contradict. "that person just realized I'm trans" and, "does that person actually think I'm cis? I should out myself". My mind doesn't let me win under any case. It forces me to think of myself as trans and just won't let me alone as the woman I've long needed to be.

I'm largely at peace with the fact I was Matthew. I just want to be more comfortable in my identity as Paige.

My femininity and womanhood are important to me. I guess I don't know yet how to claim them mentally. Though I am greatful that the cis people around me seem to understand this stuff better than I do. I mean, I'm usually given cisgender privilege and I'm included in girls nights out by my friends which make me feel wonderful.

I'm sure I'll get back to focusing on my feelings as what's important soon enough.

[luna nyan]

11 years ago, after a year in therapy, I flipped a coin so to speak and opted not to transition.  A friend of mine went on to transition, minor FfS, and SRS.

About a year ago, we had a discussion about how things turned out for each of us.  We both had understood what we were getting into in making our choices.  Life turned out ok for both of us, but the sceptre of being trans has always been in the background.  You can't deny your past and yourself.

The truth was, regardless of which way you go  there is always the fact that you are trans, transitioned or not.  Life will always leave us with that hiccup and it will always make things more interesting.  It's a matter of choice - choosing the path that will allow yourself the most inner peace, and accepting that certain things can't be changed.

[helen2010]

The truth...,  there is always the fact that you are trans, transitioned or not.  Life will always leave us with that hiccup and it will always make things more interesting.  It's a matter of choice - choosing the path that will allow yourself the most inner peace, and accepting that certain things can't be changed.

Luna nyan

Very well said.  It is our journey,  We do get to choose our path.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Misato]

I think I'm overtired and trying too hard and paranoid.

The first year of my new life was easy. That year was about discovery and glee from being out and free from the fear that held me back for so long. This year I'm finding is me really living as a woman because I have relationships and I'm forming new opinions and I'm having to deal with what it means to be a woman in the world.

Yet, I find I'm paranoid about doing something wrong. I mean, earlier tonight I showed a woman the debugging tools in Chrome after she told a story about how hard it was for her to track down a style she needed to change. She knew about the tools already and I instantly got all terrified I "mansplained" things to her. But that I'm in such terror that I did something male, I gotta take that as a connotation that yes, despite what I've forgotten I did the right thing for me. Actually, that's worth two smiles

I've seen it said that this time I'm in now is where the real transition is. I guess I'm just learning how true that sentiment is.

[suzifrommd]

Yet, I find I'm paranoid about doing something wrong. I mean, earlier tonight I showed a woman the debugging tools in Chrome after she told a story about how hard it was for her to track down a style she needed to change. She knew about the tools already and I instantly got all terrified I "mansplained" things to her.

I totally get this. I have the same paranoia. I'm constantly watching my own behavior and diction for being unfeminine.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to be the woman I am, whomever woman that has turned out to be.

You're a woman, therefore everything you do is, by definition, feminine, right?

[Misato]

You're a woman, therefore everything you do is, by definition, feminine, right?

I suppose. What I need to remember is no one has the right or ability to take that away from me. It was somehow easier for me to remember and know that when things were new. Now I'm clinging too hard. If anything that too tight grip of mine is what's going to fowl me up.

[JLT1]

When my dysphoria is satiated and things are calm, I sometimes wonder why am I or did I do this?  I mean, I really do think it's easier being male or at least it is because of the years of experience.  Also, as  time goes on, I remember the good way better than the bad.  (Probably because I don't like remembering the bad.)  So, things are always greener the further back I go. 

But girl, you just get better and better looking each picture I see. 

Hugs,

Jen

[Misato]

Last night a friend of mine and I recounted bad things that happened to us at funerals because she just had something bad happen. Well, I'd forgotten about this incident that happened with my grandfathers ring when he died that had me fall into rage. That, made me remember how I was losing my ability to tolerate T. I may still get upset today, but the Hulkifying anger doesn't happen now. Provided, my manager doesn't try to push me to engage in male behaviors. That was very upsetting and made worse by I didn't see what he was doing until after he fired me...

[Misato]

Journaling, highly reccomemded.

I found a journal I was keeping as I made my decision to go forward. I forgot about the explosions where I would have to present as a female and how I could not be stopped (my SO resisted my transition at the time). I forgot looking at women and feeling pain from being so far away. I still have my "flaws" but again, what girl doesn't?

Really for me the only thing that mattered was being called 'she'. I don't know why that was so important to me but it remains so. For all the hangups I've developed over the lack of difference between men and women, my reason all comes down to the only reason that we've got to do this: I identify as a woman. Therefore, even if I learned what I learned from transition without transition, I'd still have been miserable.

So yes Suzi, being Paige is a more authentic life for me.

I also want to say I do very much recommend journaling now after this experience of mine these last weeks. That first year was all about the thrills of my new life. This year has been all about the details. If you were hermit like I was before, dealing with those details for the first time in your life when they do hit can be most jarring.

[Evelyn K]

Already went through an early big doubt a few days ago (grin).

However very real physical, cosmetic, health, and mental benefits of E crowbarred its way back into my thinking again.

T (after a certain age) is just poison IMO.

[sad panda]

Being trans just messed with my life too much. I lost a feeling of continuity and normalness I didn't even know I had and can never get it back.

My cis friend who moved away and only had really seen me pre transition recently saw a current pic of me and was like omg how did she become so sexy and I'm just sitting here getting fat and watching TV? What am I doing with my life?

And it was just so funny to me. I am outwardly pretty and feminine to a point that it intimidates and alienates a lot of cis girls and I still feel so fake and empty. It will never go away cuz I will always know what I was born as and my brain is just unable to accept the lack of continuity. It looks for the past that I never had. I empathize with other girls over experiences that were never mine and never can be, even though nobody sees that. It's all screwy. I have to ID as a boy to not feel as fake.

[Lady_Oracle]

Already went through an early big doubt a few days ago (grin).

However very real physical, cosmetic, health, and mental benefits of E crowbarred its way back into my thinking again.

T (after a certain age) is just poison IMO.

I'd say T is poison the second it starts being produced, at least it was for me anyways. My depression started right when puberty started and none of the therapist/doctors could find the reason why. Truth is I just was too afraid to admit to anyone I wanted to be a girl. I thought that was impossible at the time plus I was scared of acting in anyway feminine. Despite that there were somethings that would come out involuntary like female mannerisms. So yeah if it wasn't for the spanish machismo culture I was raised in initially and bullies then I probably would of said something to my parents that I didn't feel right and stuff 

As far as doubt is concerned, there were a few times where I was seriously doubting my transition. Most of those times were when I still had testosterone poisoning me and I wasn't out to anyone. And then the last moments of self doubt were when I had just started hrt and was in that strange andro stage but those moments never lasted long. Especially since I've been consistently happier the further I go into my transition. If it wasn't for my strong support system I think it would of taken much longer to get to the point where I' am now in my transition. Just a few more things to go and my transition will finally be complete.

[JoanneB]

I've been transitioning(?) for about 5 years now. Not that I ever planned on trying that AGAIN! In many to most ways I've been fighting at least, very much questioning each and every little thing I've been doing that has been leading me further and further along that road.

I think my little reminder best sums up what you are experiencing
"I know what does not work"

I spent 50 years doing things and thinking in ways that ultimately were destroying my life, my spirit, my soul. I've been spending 5 years doing things with just the opposite results. I've been spending many hours, days weeks, months by now saying to myself "I feel great about myself now. I can stop this silliness." I may even try a little like taper back or even stop HRT. Stop presenting as female. THe result is always the same. Bro-Mode on steroids.

The results of those trials sure reinforce what I already learned. I've been the happiest I've been since childhood. I feel good being me. Almost always happy being in my own skin. Don't hate seeing myself in a mirror (even in male mode). Actually have self-esteem.

BTW- SRS never was on my wish list. Only to be seen as and accepted as a woman. My wishes did come true

[stephaniec]

I don't let things bother me too much . I've wanted to be a girl since day one. Now, I'm doing it and I'm in heaven.

[Misato]

"I feel great about myself now. I can stop this silliness." I may even try a little like taper back or even stop HRT. Stop presenting as female. THe result is always the same. Bro-Mode on steroids.

This just spoke to me. My grandma and my dad, both on meds for depression, would drop off their meds because they thought they didn't need them anymore. What I was feeling was right in the same vein, wasn't it?

*facepalm*