How to break uncertainty

[Sabrina F]

I have been visiting the channels on Susan's IRC server for about a month now under the nickname Sabrina. I am 25 years old, anatomically male but have a female gender identity and have not started to transition yet. However, I am not certain about whether or not I am really TS and if transition will make me happier and this concerns me. People can feel free to bring this post up on Susan's IRC server, either in a channel that I am in or in private message with me.

I will start by giving reasons that I think I probably am TS. I identify as female. I feel that being female is simply the way I am supposed to be and is the way that is correct for me, and I feel that being male is just plain wrong for me. The whole idea of living the rest of my life as male just really bothers me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see a female face instead of a male face. I often get feelings of jealousy upon seeing women and wish I had their bodies. I want others to look at me and see a female and not a male. I want to look at my chest and see female breasts and I don't like to see a flat male chest. I am also sometimes bothered by seeing my genitals, like when I look down in the shower.

However, there are also some things that make me doubt whether or not I am really TS. When I physically touch my body, I do not feel as if anything is wrong with it. I have read that some transsexuals sense a phantom penis (for FTMs) similar to the way that people missing an arm sense an arm that isn't there. In addition, I have heard that breasts can feel like tumors on an FTMs body or that a penis can feel like a tumor or parasitic worm hanging from an MTFs body. I don't have any (at least not obvious) feelings of phantom breasts or of my genitals being tumors. I have had very weak feelings that feel like phantom breasts or that my genitals are some form of intrusion. However, I also have very weaking feelings that suggest that if I transitioned, my breasts would feel like an intrusion or that I would sense a phantom penis after SRS. Since these are very weak feelings, it might be only speculation that I really do have those feelings, and they might have only started after hearing suggestions that these feelings can happen in transsexuals.

I have read that upon starting hormones, someone who is really TS will feel very positively towards the changes happening to their body, while someone who is not really TS will find the changes to be awkward and distrubing. This seems like a very good test, it it works. I really don't know if it is going to work (which is really because I havn't tried it yet). I am out to one family member who didn't seem to feel the test would work (he felt that if I were to take hormones I might end up with neither positive feelings nor feelings of akwardness and disturbing.

Several people have suggested starting therapy. I do have my first appointment scheduled for this Friday. I'm still worried though that I might still end up deadlocked about whether or not to transition even after therapy. I do intend to give therapy a chance, but I still worry about what I can do if I can't answer my questions after therapy.

Even though some of the things on the Internet seem to suggest that cross dressers are motivated to dress as the opposite sex out of a sexual fetish, I read a post on these forums where someone who was male had the desire to be a woman some of the time but most of the time was comfortable identifying as a man, and a reply was given to this person saying that he was most likely a cross-dresser and not a transsexual. My desire to be female is not in any way sexually motivated. However, the fact that the female identity and the desire to change the look of the body is so much stronger than the desire to change the feel of the body seems to suggest that I might be CD instead of TS. Since having breasts is somewhat important to me and I don't seem to have too much discomfort with my genitals, I have wondered if I am an androgyne, transgendered, or ->-bleeped-<- (whatever the term is) where I would do all aspects of transition except that I would not have SRS.

I also think there might be connections between my gender identity and my sexual orientation. I have felt that my desire to have a female body is a replacement for not having a female romantic partner. In addition, I have also felt that my attraction to females is a desire to be close to a person with a female body as a replacement for the fact that I don't have a female body. Also, my sexual orientation is very, very obvious. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am attracted to females. I am wondering why my gender identity is not nearly as obvious as my sexual orientation.

I also have some sex fantasies where I view myself as male and others where I view myself as female. I tend to go through time periods where I have fantasies of myself as male during one time period, then fantasies where I view myself as female in other time periods. This confuses me because it seems that I should view myself in my sex fantasies as I identify myself, which is female, so it seems like if I were TS, I should only be female in my sex fantasies.

I have a number of characteristics which seem to suggest that maybe I should transition and others that suggest that maybe I should not transition. I realize that I am the only one who can decide for myself whether or not I should transition. However, this is what makes it so hard: I can't decide, so I don't know what to do when I (the only one who can make the decision) am unable to decide. I know that I do have a desire to be female and that I don't like being male. If I was given a guarantee that whichever decision I made I would not regret, I would choose to transition. However, I don't know if I will have any negative feelings, discomfort, awkwardness, or uneasiness if I were to transition. All I know is that I have some amount of it now. However, the discomfort, etc. that I have now is not horribly strong. I feel that if it were horribly strong, it would be obvious to me what they were (though I guess it is possible that that is not necessarily the case). Though since they are not strong, I wonder if something other than a need to transition is causing the feelings.

Ultimately, the question I need to ask is what will make me happier: transitioning, or not transitioning. However, I only have experience in a male body and have no experience in a female body, so it is hard for me to make a comparison. I think what I want to ask is the following:
- After starting HRT, does it become obvious that the changes to a TSs body are good, and that the changes to a non-TS are bad? If I were to start estrogen, if I were TS, would I find it very obvious that I am going to be happier with the feminine changes that the hormones make, and if I were not TS, would I find the changes awkward, disturbing, or otherwise feel like these changes are definately not going to make me happy?
- Is it common for transsexuals to be unsure about whether or not they should transition? Is it common for people who are not transsexuals to wonder if they should transition?
- Is there any way that I could describe exactly what I feel to others so that they can tell me if these feelings are likely indicators that I am, or am not, TS? Is there any way that others can describe what a TS feels so that I can compare that to my feelings to determine if I am TS? The problem is that people cannot directly send the sensation of what something feels like to another person, so all people can do is use words to describe them, but words don't always communicate very well.

[seldom]

Ultimately, the question I need to ask is what will make me happier: transitioning, or not transitioning. However, I only have experience in a male body and have no experience in a female body, so it is hard for me to make a comparison. I think what I want to ask is the following:
- After starting HRT, does it become obvious that the changes to a TSs body are good, and that the changes to a non-TS are bad? If I were to start estrogen, if I were TS, would I find it very obvious that I am going to be happier with the feminine changes that the hormones make, and if I were not TS, would I find the changes awkward, disturbing, or otherwise feel like these changes are definately not going to make me happy?

The first few weeks of hormones will just confirm what you already know about yourself, and it has nothing to do with changes in your body.  Most cissexual men and women cannot handle the first week of hormones, most transsexuals notice a positive change, albeit for some its a bit of a roller coaster. 

- Is it common for transsexuals to be unsure about whether or not they should transition? Is it common for people who are not transsexuals to wonder if they should transition?

Generally speaking if you are thinking about it, especially as much as you clearly are, you are probably TS.  I am not going to make that call though, that is up to a therapist.  Normal men and women don't think about these issues so much.  In fact they really don't think about them, they take it for granted. 

- Is there any way that I could describe exactly what I feel to others so that they can tell me if these feelings are likely indicators that I am, or am not, TS? Is there any way that others can describe what a TS feels so that I can compare that to my feelings to determine if I am TS? The problem is that people cannot directly send the sensation of what something feels like to another person, so all people can do is use words to describe them, but words don't always communicate very well.

Its a little different for us all.  Talking about ones life experience we find ourselves unique. 


With that being said, everything you put forth makes me sound like you have alot of issues to work out with a gender therapist.  I had my share of issues that I needed to work out.  Because this effects us a little differant.  To me it really does not sound like you will be deadlocked.  It seems you have doubts, fears, and worries but that is natural.

With regards to the sexual orientation issue.  I suggest reading Julia Serano's Whipping Girl.  She felt exactly the same way with regards to that issue.  Though I have to warn you: Sexual Orientation is NOT a set thing for transsexuals.  Hormones can have major effects and it is common for people to switch.

I just had many doubts and fears of my own.  I always planned to possibility of transitioning in my life, but I had quite a few of my own issues to work out in therapy, and this was a few months ago.

The best suggestion though is to work these issues out in therapy, an experienced gender therapist can help you sort these things out.

The who dissatisfaction but not extreme discomfort with your body, and jealousy of women is completely natural.  That and the fact you identify your gender is female is a dead give away you are TS.  (If you said you cannot beyond reason identify as male, that would indicate it as well.  Like I said its different for everybody.) 

By the way NOTHING you have written suggest you are a crossdresser.  It seems to me you are a transgenderist (a non-op TS) or a transsexual.  But that is just my personal opinion.  The conflicts and thoughts you are describing are more indicative of a TS going into therapy.


Whether or not you should transition is up to you.  But to me one thing is clear: Therapy will be beneficial.  Its not beneficial to everybody. Some TS simply do not need it.  However, therapy for me was very helpful, I went to it outside of getting hormones, but to work my own issues out.  (I am 29, but I started when I was 28).

Just to let you know HRT reassures what you probably already know.  Its not a test for whether or not your TS.  Some TS do not know for sure 100% until HRT, because there are still doubts going into it (save for transmen, because T is very off and on).

I am not sure that clarifies anything.

I would once again suggest you pick up Whipping Girl by Julia Serano and read her switchhitter website: http://www.switchhitter.net/ .  It sounds like to me there will be quite a bit that you relate to written by her. 

[louise000]

I think all transsexuals can read through posts like yours and identify with certain things. It's good that you are seeing a therapist soon, and provided he/she is qualified and experienced in gender identity problems they should be able to tell you whether or not you are transsexual. Do that first.
There's alot of support to be had on this site also.
Best wishes, Louise

[Kate]

Sabrina, I don't mean to discount the importance of a formal diagnosis by a professional, BUT... also be aware of the danger of USING a label to justify what you need to do. Whether someone says you are or aren't a transsexual, your feelings and needs will remain the same. IMHO, isolating and identifying those needs, independent of outside consideration like social consequences, passability, etc. is THE most important thing.

The odd thing about transitioning, at least for me, is it wasn't necessarily about being "happier." That wasn't and isn't my motivation. It's just literally something I HAVE to do. It's not necessarily "better" or anything. It's not like I compared male and female lives and decided females had it better, so it was "worth it" to switch. Even if I KNEW I'd be unhappier, knew I was becoming a second-class citizen, knew I'd never be taken seriously by men again... I'd STILL have done this. Heck, even if this WAS some sort of sexually-driven oddity, I'd STILL have transitioned, as however you *explain* my feelings, they're valid and hurt all the same.

It is interesting to compare and contrast experiences and symptoms here, but you may have noticed we also argue like crazy (until it gets locked) about what a "real transsexual" should be like. There just isn't much consensus, just some very strong opinions. I've tried to come up with theories to categorize and predict "types" of GID expressions, but I gave up... people are just too complex and varied for my tiny brain to comprehend, lol.

Hormones. Tricky subject. I don't know if they're a great diagnostic tool, as I know of many people who use HRT to grow breasts for their own erotic pleasures and love the effects. I know of people who take E because it makes them "feel femme," but while identifying as men, not women. It might provide a clue, but I don't think it's proof of anything.

In the end, there really are no definitive tests for this. In the end, you kinda just have make some tough choices, and accept the responsibility for the consequences of those choices. It IS a roll of the dice, a gamble, a leap of faith...

... and hope

~Kate~

[seldom]

I have to agree with Kate.  The reason I am transitioning is because it is something I have to do.  All of the other options and choices and doubts were eliminated, even before I stepped into the therapist office.  I had to stop being male, and I full well knew the consequences.  (Lets state this, not being taken seriously by men not the real consequence).

Transitioning is not really a choice.  It is the only path for those of us who are TS to finally live as who we know we are.

[karmatic1110]

My self doubt left with me being ok with the loss of my girlfriend.  That relationship meant a lot and it was hard to see her move on.  I think a time comes when the reasons to hold onto your old life sort of seem unimportant in the long term.  I knew that I needed this 100% because its pretty obvious, but I was more using doubt as a way to stay stationary. 

My early posts are very similar to this one.

Charlotte

[Fae]

Sabrina, it sounds to me like you and I share a lot in common (i.e. the need for a female body, unable to continue living as male, etc) in addition to others on this board.  Going to therapy will help you answer a lot of your questions and concerns about transition, and when you are ready HRT is a useful tool to cement your feelings (atleast it was for me even though I still ask some of the questions from time to time you have stated).

I would however caution you about the complete TS transition with full SRS.  Unless you absolutely cannot live with your male genitalia, I would recommend undergoing a TG transition, as it sounds more like you are more transgendered than TS.  If you like having penile erections, you may want to consider just getting castrated after being on HRT for a certain time, if you decide to transition and live as female.  This is what I'm planning.

However, please talk to a therapist who has experience with gender identity issues and think long and hard about your options, and then make a decision and hope for the best

~Fae

[TheBattler]

Hi Sabrina,

Wellcome to this side of the forums.

From my perspective people who are TG but not TS do wonder if they should transistion. I know many CDs who have consisdered it but in the end found they could live as male but just cross dress.


Alice

[Sabrina F]

The who dissatisfaction but not extreme discomfort with your body, and jealousy of women is completely natural.  That and the fact you identify your gender is female is a dead give away you are TS.  (If you said you cannot beyond reason identify as male, that would indicate it as well.  Like I said its different for everybody.) 

I'm not quite sure I'd say that beyond reason I cannot identify as male, but identifying as male seems very very very wrong.

Whether or not you should transition is up to you.  But to me one thing is clear: Therapy will be beneficial.  Its not beneficial to everybody. Some TS simply do not need it.  However, therapy for me was very helpful, I went to it outside of getting hormones, but to work my own issues out.  (I am 29, but I started when I was 28).

Sabrina, I don't mean to discount the importance of a formal diagnosis by a professional, BUT... also be aware of the danger of USING a label to justify what you need to do. Whether someone says you are or aren't a transsexual, your feelings and needs will remain the same. IMHO, isolating and identifying those needs, independent of outside consideration like social consequences, passability, etc. is THE most important thing.

I am not trying to use the label as a way of justifying transition. What I want is to know whether or not transition is going to take away negative feelings I have, and/or if transition will create new negative feelings. I am assuming that the definition of TS is someone who experiences a relief of certain negative feelings upon transition, and that the definition of cisgendered is someone who would experience the very negative feelings (like being trapped in the wrong body) that TSs wish to rid themselves of. So when I said things like "Am I really TS" what I meant was "If I transition will I experience a relief of these negative feelings?" and by things like "What if I am not TS?" I meant, "Could it be that what I feel is not what others who need transition feel, and that If I were to transition, could I end up feeling the very pain that transsexuals feel?"

The odd thing about transitioning, at least for me, is it wasn't necessarily about being "happier." That wasn't and isn't my motivation. It's just literally something I HAVE to do. It's not necessarily "better" or anything. It's not like I compared male and female lives and decided females had it better, so it was "worth it" to switch. Even if I KNEW I'd be unhappier, knew I was becoming a second-class citizen, knew I'd never be taken seriously by men again... I'd STILL have done this. Heck, even if this WAS some sort of sexually-driven oddity, I'd STILL have transitioned, as however you *explain* my feelings, they're valid and hurt all the same.

"Happier" probably wasn't the right word to use. I think what I mean is that there are specific feelings that I have that are reactions to having a certain body. So the question I have to answer is whether or not transition will cause a decrease in the negative feelings and an increase in the positive feelings, or vice versa. This is difficult to explain.

In the end, there really are no definitive tests for this. In the end, you kinda just have make some tough choices, and accept the responsibility for the consequences of those choices. It IS a roll of the dice, a gamble, a leap of faith...

... and hope

~Kate~

The problem with rolling the dice is that if I make the wrong decision, the consequences can be devistating. Some transsexuals are so miserable with the bodies that they are born with that they would rather die than to continue in the wrong body. If I make the wrong decision, I can end up with the very pain that transsexuals have. My attempt to relieve myself of the conflicting feelings I have now could make my situation much, much worse.

Transitioning is not really a choice.  It is the only path for those of us who are TS to finally live as who we know we are.

I disagree. I think it is not a choice to feel trapped in the wrong body, and it is not a choice to identify as being the sex opposite to one's birth sex, but I think it is a choice to change the body to match the gender identity. Transsexuals can theoretically choose to stay in the bodies that feel wrong to them, even though they didn't choose to feel that their bodies are wrong.

[Seshatneferw]

I am not certain about whether or not I am really TS and if transition will make me happier and this concerns me.

That's a good start. 

Ultimately, only time and you will tell how it is with you. From what you wrote, it seems quite possible that your GID will eventually grow into full-blown transsexuality. On the other hand, it's also entirely possible that you'll be able to cope with something far less radical than transition and SRS -- having a female gender identity does not necessarily mean that you will ever need to transition, at least not completely.

But as for the answers, you'll have to find them yourself: no-one else can know just how exactly you feel. Therapy can be of an immense help in this, of course, but like Kate said you shouldn't expect the psychiatrists to tell you what to do. In other words, try to find a good therapist to talk with, but don't forget to think for yourself. Also, don't concentrate too much on whether you are TS or not. The overall goal, after all, is not to become as good a woman as you can, but to become as good a you as you can. Find out what that means, and then see what sex you'll end up being.

Bon voyage,

  Nfr

[Kate]

So the question I have to answer is whether or not transition will cause a decrease in the negative feelings and an increase in the positive feelings, or vice versa. This is difficult to explain.

I kinda get what you mean, but the thing is, it seems people who DO transition generally aren't thinking in those terms (I shouldn't speak for others though). There's usually no question about whether living as a female is appropriate, but only fears of practical problems such as losing a job, marriage, friends and family, etc. The "debate" of whether to transition or not usually hinges on "can I do this?" and not "should I do this?"

A fun hypothetical that really opened my eyes was something like, "if a genie could make you a female right now, and change history so you had always been a woman to everyone else... so there are no worries of passing or job loss, etc.... would you do it?"

Or, the killer question on that silly COGIATA(?) test: "Imagine you just found that for some reason you can never, EVER be a female now. The option for you is closed forever now. How does that make you feel?"

If you find tears welling up in your eyes, and feel like you're getting sick to your stomach right now upon reading that... well...

~Kate~

[Fae]

I am not certain about whether or not I am really TS and if transition will make me happier and this concerns me.

That's a good start. 

Ultimately, only time and you will tell how it is with you. From what you wrote, it seems quite possible that your GID will eventually grow into full-blown transsexuality. On the other hand, it's also entirely possible that you'll be able to cope with something far less radical than transition and SRS -- having a female gender identity does not necessarily mean that you will ever need to transition, at least not completely.

Partial transition, or TG transition (which is what I'm doing) is somewhat difficult, but what Shesha was implying, as I read it, is that TG transition is not as radical.  Like I said, if you're genitals are not that repulsive and you can live with them, but you want to have breasts and live and be accepted as a woman in social situations, then a TG transition may be right for you.

From your post Sabrina, when you said:

I'm not quite sure I'd say that beyond reason I cannot identify as male, but identifying as male seems very very very wrong.

Tells me that you may be TG, but that doesn't mean you need to transition.  You can identify as a woman but still live as a man, but as it was said earlier, your feelings of discomfort may only grow in the future, and this would be very difficult to pull off.  Could you live with just being a feminine man?

I will tell you that, for me anyway, it got to the point where I needed to transition or I was not going to live.  I was in that much pain. 

Also, don't concentrate too much on whether you are TS or not. The overall goal, after all, is not to become as good a woman as you can, but to become as good a you as you can. Find out what that means, and then see what sex you'll end up being.

I think we tend to focus too much on the labels and use those to then guide our decisions, often at the cost of our own happiness.  It's not about being TG or TS, it's about being YOU.  The problem with the binary gender system is society tells us "men are like this and women are like that" and it's very hard to live outside those stereotypes, but it is possible.

Find out what will make you happy, and then pursue it.   

~Fae

[Sabrina F]

I kinda get what you mean, but the thing is, it seems people who DO transition generally aren't thinking in those terms (I shouldn't speak for others though). There's usually no question about whether living as a female is appropriate, but only fears of practical problems such as losing a job, marriage, friends and family, etc. The "debate" of whether to transition or not usually hinges on "can I do this?" and not "should I do this?"

I am not at all considering the practical reasons or external negative consequences of transition (like social rejection) in determining if transition is what I am destined for (I'm not sure if "destined" for transition is the right way to describe it, but I don't know how).

A fun hypothetical that really opened my eyes was something like, "if a genie could make you a female right now, and change history so you had always been a woman to everyone else... so there are no worries of passing or job loss, etc.... would you do it?"

The only thing that worries me is how my feelings will react to transition. Like the way some FTMs describe their breasts as feeling like tumors on their body and sense a "phantom penis" before SRS, I am not completely sure that if I had HRT and/or SRS, that I won't feel as if my breasts are like tumors on my body or that I would sense a "phantom penis" after SRS. If the genie could garantee me that I won't have any of those feelings after transition, then there is no doubt in my mind that I would ask the genie to make me female. Actually, even if the genie could not make me female, but could guarantee me that I would not feel a "phantom penis" after SRS, feel like breasts are tumors, etc. and that I would not have other similar feelings if I were to transition, then that would completely alleviate my worries and I would start transition.

Or, the killer question on that silly COGIATA(?) test: "Imagine you just found that for some reason you can never, EVER be a female now. The option for you is closed forever now. How does that make you feel?"

If you find tears welling up in your eyes, and feel like you're getting sick to your stomach right now upon reading that... well...

~Kate~

If the option of being female is closed forever, it would make me feel very sad. I might be able to adjust, but I'd really hate to have to do that. Living the rest of my life as male just seems so wrong.

[Seshatneferw]

I'm not quite sure I'd say that beyond reason I cannot identify as male, but identifying as male seems very very very wrong.

Tells me that you may be TG, but that doesn't mean you need to transition.  You can identify as a woman but still live as a man, but as it was said earlier, your feelings of discomfort may only grow in the future, and this would be very difficult to pull off.  Could you live with just being a feminine man?

If you consider that question, try to disregard cultural labels. For me, that was a big issue: I wasn't, and still am not, able to consider myself a feminine man, partly because of a solid female identity and partly because of the cultural connotations of such a label. However, I am quite willing to throw traditional gender stereotypes in the rubbish bin and consider myself an idiosyncratic mix of different gender traits, some female, some male and some in between. Surprisingly enough, that has also helped me deal with my dysphoria about having a male body.

The androgyne forum here has been a great help for me; you might want to drop by, even if only to rule out those options.

  Nfr

[Karla B]

For many years I've struggled with a lot the same issues as you are.
After about 25 years I finally decided to go ahead with it. I really feel good about it! I know that I can never be the woman I could have been if I had started this 25 years ago but slowly and surely I'm on the path.  I feel this is the right choice for me.
My advice is, seek help from a therapist as soon as you can to have your concerns dealt with.
I just want to tell you that time is valuable and the sooner that you know what you want to do, the sooner you can get started on your journey.
That's the only regret that I carry about this, is that I've waited so long because I let those issues hold me back.

It's really wonderful that you have all these great people here to help you, that have dealt with this before. I didn't have that in my day when I was struggling with those concerns,but now I do!
I've really learned alot about myself just by reading all the replys that these wonderful people wrote you.

Good Luck 

[Fae]

I'm not quite sure I'd say that beyond reason I cannot identify as male, but identifying as male seems very very very wrong.

Tells me that you may be TG, but that doesn't mean you need to transition.  You can identify as a woman but still live as a man, but as it was said earlier, your feelings of discomfort may only grow in the future, and this would be very difficult to pull off.  Could you live with just being a feminine man?

If you consider that question, try to disregard cultural labels. For me, that was a big issue: I wasn't, and still am not, able to consider myself a feminine man, partly because of a solid female identity and partly because of the cultural connotations of such a label. However, I am quite willing to throw traditional gender stereotypes in the rubbish bin and consider myself an idiosyncratic mix of different gender traits, some female, some male and some in between. Surprisingly enough, that has also helped me deal with my dysphoria about having a male body.

The androgyne forum here has been a great help for me; you might want to drop by, even if only to rule out those options.

  Nfr

I personally ruled out being androgynous months before I started HRT.  It just didn't fit as my identity is about 90% female and 10% male, if that...I want to live and be accepted as a woman, it just feels right. 

When you wake up one day and open you're eyes, and know you're a woman and you're on the right track...there's little to question 

Though there are days that I still have lingering thoughts of "am I doing the right thing for me?" but I think this might be just fear disguised as doubt.  Does anyone else have this issue?

~Fae

[asiangurliee]

I've been on HRT for 6 months and i always think "if i am really doing the right thing".  It's hard for me to be certain about anything, i can't decide on anything and i question everything. I don't have any advice for you, but i didn't feel too uncomfortable with my gentials before HRT either.

It was my need to live as a woman, it wasn't so much about what my body was.

After being on hormones, I am becoming more disturbed about the sight of my penis.

But does that really prove anything? I don't know. I dont have much to contribute right now, I might come back later. Very good topic.

[Kate]

I've been on HRT for 6 months and i always think "if i am really doing the right thing".  It's hard for me to be certain about anything, i can't decide on anything and i question everything.

All perfectly normal. A friend of mine and I spent decades beating this thing to death, looking for ANY explanation that would avoid transitioning... some way to dismiss it all as some sort of mental illness or something.

In the end, all we did was entrench it further, see the truth of it all, and prove to ourselves we had to transition.

And hey, I STILL wake up every day thinking, "OMG! I cannot believe I did this! This is INSANE!" And then I go about my day

I don't have any advice for you, but i didn't feel too uncomfortable with my gentials before HRT either.

Me neither. Not all TSs are hung up on their genitals, regardless of what the popular opinion is. Outa sight, outa mind IMHO. The only time they REALLY bother me is when they're aroused (doesn't happen anymore of course).

It was my need to live as a woman, it wasn't so much about what my body was.

Exactly... to a point. I hated seeing a male in the mirror, but overall, my body otherwise wasn't very masculine, so it wasn't THAT bad to deal with. But yes, it was the female LIFE I sooooo badly longed for, the entire thing from girlhood to puberty to womanhood. The right body was PART of that, but not the entire point of it.

After being on hormones, I am becoming more disturbed about the sight of my penis.

Same here. I figure:

1) As my body morphs into a female shape, the penis is more and more incongruent
2) As my sexuality begins to seem more and more hopeful of expression, I'd like the correct genitals for it

I dont have much to contribute right now,...

You're contributing wonderfully! We all have doubts and concerns, and sharing that fact is a wonderful way to offer support!

~Kate~

[Berliegh]

Kate and Fae you both talk a lot of sense and I enjoy your posts but what do you both actually look like?

I wish my body would morph into a female shape....I've been on mones for 7 years and there's no sign of it yet.......no fat re-distribution at all and very little breast growth so far..

I remember reading an article in a magazine once about a transition story and the person in the article said 'I'm so proud of my new body' and you saw the pic and the person just looked like an ordinary bloke with a man's fat distribution... do some people sometimes become dillusional while on hormones?

[Kate]

is that you Kate in the photograph? if it is ..wow!

No, which is why I captioned the photo as "My Muse" to be clear. I posted quite a few pics in other threads though, and used a photo for awhile as my avatar (surely you must have seen them?), but changed my mind eventually and pulled them all down when some people starting going on and on about who's "real" and who isn't, how sad unpassables are, etc.

I do REALLY appreciate the encouraging words and validation I received here when I posted pics, but ultimately I had to go out into The World and find out for myself in Real Life.

I wish my body would morph into a female shape....I've been on mones for 7 years and there's no sign of it yet.......no fat re-distribution at all and very little breast growth so far..

Well you certainly look great in your avatar, so if that's *without* HRT changes, you're waaaay ahead of the game already. I don't look half as passable WITH a year of HRT, though I'll admit I've experienced a lot of changes... and I'm getting closer to where I need to be.

People often report a spurt of changes whenever they switch regimens... maybe consider asking your doc to try something new? I don't think one type of E is superior over another necessarily, but it sometimes seems like the body gets used to a regimen after awhile, and a *change* sorta wakes it up.

~Kate~