I came out to my mom on the 17th April, and nothing has yet happened. I was hoping my mom would accept since she has known for quite a long time, I told her when I was 14 and had emotional breakdown and told her I felt different from boys and more like girls. She asked if that anything to do with the doccummentary about transgender people we'd seen the week before... which led me to believe all this time that she's always had a clue.
Anyways, when I told her, she broke into tears and shouting, worried about my future and denied I was a woman etc told me I had to accept myself (my response was that I didn't accept myself, I'd not be talking to her about this), and I felt really horrible for breaking her heart. She said she would protect me from the decision and would look for another person to follow my psychological state, she basically blamed my therapist who has made me stronger and a better person and helped overcome the bullying and rejection I had to put through at school (I've a hard time there). So she went there, she was supposed to go with me but she decided to go alone, and told her she felt betrayed because she believes the therapist should have told way earlier so that she and my family could have "helped me out of it".
We then went to a doctor who followed my epileptic history, a child neurologist, and she told him my situation. They then tried to persuade me out of it, blabla, he treated like it was some kind of choice, although he was always respectful. My mom told me: "you may think I accept gays, lesbians, transgenders, as long as they don't knock my door (meaning it doesn't happen to her or it is far away from her sight)" so basically that's her being unaccepting anyways, I don't see that as true acceptance. The doctor was able to make my mother see things clearer , though, she wanted to cancel all sessions with my therapist and get me a new one but what he said made her rethink. She now acts like nothing happened. She thinks I want to transition just because I have feminine tastes and would better fit in, but I have tried to tell her that's not the case, like even if I enjoyed football or sports in general I'd still want to transition... it's not related to gender expression. For example, I like a video game: "Crusader Kings", which has a fanbase composed of mainly males, however, I still play it and that doesn't at all change my perception of my gender identity.
So here I am... Unable to start anything, and worse than that is knowing that my mother is not really accepting of anything that is out of the gender-sexuality spectrum. She denies I have this, and basically sees it as a mental problem. Actually when we got out of the appointment with him, she just said "I'm positive that you'll get this idea out of your head and realize the amazing person you are" so contradictory, omg.
If she reacted like this I cannot imagine how my father would... He's generally not accepting at all, and we do not have an easy relationship at all. Anyways, this is bothering me so much because I'm unable to move forward. I just want to get hormones and get on with my life, but I can't now, and I don't have my own money to pay for what I need to start, not even car to get to hospitals. To be honest, I want to get out of here and just lead my life. I wanted to study abroad, like in USA or so, where I can start the process far away from everyone, but this is rather drastic and would probably imply my family cut off bridges with me because they would be really hurt. But yes, I would go away if needed. I'm just afraid that I will have no money to pay for transition, because I have heard that in the USA the transsexual interventions are considered comestic and you have to pay for everything: hormones, surgery, laser hair removal, etc. I don't know if it's true or not.
If I remain as male, life might be easier in short-term but as time goes by I would probably become so depressed, I don't know. I'm already very feminine for a male, my voice is feminine (even childish) and my body is not all that masculine and my face is almost hairless compared to guys my age. I'm attracted to males, so that makes my life hard enough. I've never even had a romantic relationship, nor been kissed, flirted with and that worries me so much, omg, I don't want to be a lonely cat lady. As a female, life would be very hard in the very first steps, but in the long run, I'd be more fulfilled and happy at myself. I just really wanted to enjoy a bit of female youth, but time is passing by and it's harder to get that chance.
I'm worried, so worried. I know this will sound shallow, but I just want to be a young pretty female enjoying her teen years and having girlie groups to talk about things, I want to feel included in the female dynamic, but my mom thinks she knows better than I do.
I don't know what's next, or what I'm supposed to do. Anyways, that just because I'm not allowed to transition right now, doesn't mean I'm not taking steps to allign my body with my mind. I have been plucking my eyebrows, and take out the hairs from my face with a tweezers and removing all hair I can from my body. And I'm thinking of going to the supermarket to go buy some foundation... but I need courage to do that now.
Omg, thank you, thank you for reading my worries and thoughts. I thank you all for being so supportive.
x
