I'm lost, and not completely sure what I'm looking for. I guess help, of some sort, or anyone that I can relate to.
You can call me LorisA, or just Loris, or you can call me Jude. I'm a 20 year old (just turned yesterday, actually) Canadian female, but sometimes I feel more male.
Jude was born back when I was a preteen. He came after years of consistent preference of writing male characters over female. Not that I didn't like writing females, it's just that the more masculine characters just seemed easier to write. I have long since grown out of that and write a wide variety of characters. I am off-topic, though. Jude was created on a chat website where I masqueraded as a male. Twice I had told people close to me on the website that I was female and they stopped talking to me. Some of them told me their disgust, some of them felt betrayed and lied to. I don't blame them.
I had gone through a lot of drama with this part of me. Every time I seemed to tell someone a little about Jude they didn't seem... comfortable. The only two people that I've really felt comfortable talking to Jude about was my now boyfriend of five years. It was sometime before I mustered enough courage to talk to him about it though. This was after a weekend at this youth LGBT conference that I went to for my high school GSA. I found out more about being transgendered and trying to come to terms with it. Transgendered is quite the umbrella term, though, and I don't know how to find people who relate to me.
I not only created this character, Jude, to harbour my feelings of wanting to be a male, but I also have me, LorisA, who is very comfortable as female. I'm able to act as Jude around my boyfriend, and he's comfortable with it, especially considering that he is bi-gendered and very comfortable as such. However, when I act as Jude he is disgusted with the body that he is in and he wants to be able to look more male. Me, though, I'm perfectly comfortable with my genitalia and the works. This really lowers both of our self-esteems, though.
Tonight, after acting a Jude for sometime, I just broke down to my boyfriend. I told him how ashamed and disgusted I was with myself. I told him that I was confused that I didn't know what to do. I don't want to change my body at all, but part of me doesn't want to be in this body.
I don't know the answers. I don't have a solution. I don't even have a term for what I am to try and find people who feel like I do. I don't even know if I'm posting in the right place.
When it comes to me family, it's only my oldest brother who knows. We agreed that my parents wouldn't understand, so I didn't tell them. When I expressed interest to my mother to get a binder for my chest, she was very confused and I backed out and just said that I thought my breasts were a nuisance sometimes.
My friend make me happy and understand. One of them exclaimed to me one day that I wasn't male or female, that I was just my own gender. I loved it, it made me feel accepted, but it feels to me more like sometimes I feel female, sometimes male, and at rare times, neither, and more commonly just both.
I apologized that this turned out so long. I'm just looking for someone to talk to about this. Or some sort of direction. I want answers so badly and it just seems impossible for me to find. Anything, really.
