Hello there fellow trans*. My name is
currently Nick. I am questioning whether or not it should become
Nikki (Something better than that actually... just making a point.). What should I do? I will cut through bull->-bleeped-<- and be as frank as possible. I hope I don't offend anyone, but as I have never talked about this subject to other trans* people, I may say something offense... probably not, but who knows. I can assure you, it is not intended. I am
indeed a transgendered individual... I wish I was born a woman. I identify much more with women. I act more like a woman. The question at this point is; should I pursue a transition?
So to start, I should say that I unfortunately feel as though I should at the least be PASSABLE as a woman... beautiful would be nice, but it isn't necessary. That said, I will include pictures. I would like it if someone could tell me realistically if between makeup, supplements, hormones, surgery, etc, I would end up being passable as a woman (with no doubt--is the thing). I have included one body picture from about two years ago, when I was my heaviest (500 lbs.). I am still close to that weight. I guess my main concern is my weight.
I have actually seen my eyes change to a more feminine shape simply since I have came out of the closet as bi (to everyone but my stubborn grandpa, and my littlest sister--whom my parents say shouldn't know... yeah
) and transgender (to a select few/parents/all friends). This transition simply to wanting it more has peaked my interest, as it seems will and intent alone has made some differences to me. I act a little more feminine, my breasts have enlarged (from their already large size)... I have high hopes for if I make the decision. Anyways, here are the pictures. The first is my body (picture was for a weight loss show tryout), the second is me (in the middle) as a small child... the third is my highschool graduation picture, the rest are in order from me being youngest to oldest. My hope is someone has enough experience/knowledge to tell me what to expect (given my body and face structure, etc). I gave the young picture to show my basic facial structure when I was thin... and young. The last photo is from about a year ago... it is the latest picture I have of myself. Here they are:
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r261/superbubba88/ExtremeMakoverPictureNCM.jpghttps://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2609040186259&l=a92920f453https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1494961214981&l=154944de61https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1259585970747&l=64da7e0c89https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=3445823425317&l=d3f9e661f0So I will tell a little about my story. I wanted to be a woman from before I knew it. As a small child (under 4 years old) I was obsessed with CHANGE. I would actually get turned on from pretending to be something different (I have vivid memories of having an erection, long before I knew what it was... at the time, even where the sensation was coming from). Kindergarten was hard for me, as I tried to hang out with women, only to be told I had cooties, etc. It only got worse from there. Most didn't even suspect that I was bi or transgender when I came out about a year ago, as I eventually developed the perfect facade (and settled with almost all male friends). As a matter of fact, I recently got into lucid dreaming, originally to see what it would be like to be a woman. My first lucid dream, within seconds, I turned myself into a woman. The dream took place at a party... I ended up just walking around and talking to people, as if I was a woman. It was as easy as pie! It was odd, how different I acted, simply by knowing I had the appearance of a woman. I walked with more 'emphasis', I talked with a female vocabulary, on and on... IT WAS MORE NATURAL! I could simply BE. I ended up flirting with (and I think ->-bleeped-<-ing) some guy. After that dream, I have had a hard time resisting the urge to transform in a lucid dream.
I was actually going to have a bit more story there, but I think a good enough point is made for now. Point being: I would LOVE to transition. I'm just hung on the fear of it not going so well. Partially in appearance, but mainly because of my family... and SOME friends. Most of which uber Christian (Mother especially). I am concerned about the hardships of transition (though I know I could be strong enough to handle them). I am also concerned about budget. As I'm currently unemployed. That will change soon, but as I have disabilities (and SSD/SSI/Medicaid/Medicare), I will not be able to make much, and still be able to afford my medicines (My current MAIN diagnosis is "schizotypal"). I wouldn't mind knowing how much certain common things cost. Voice feminization surgery, breast surgery (reduction for me, potentially), facial stuff... hair removal.
Funny, I just remembered that I use to have hormone problems (potentially still do--they just aren't checked). At one point I was taking testosterone, as my doctor noticed its level was just below the level it should be, and that my estrogen was higher than normal. Sign?
I guess all I wanted was some encouragement, to get me going! I am having a hard time losing my weight, but I think if I had in mind I would be transitioning closer to when I lose it all, I will have MORE than enough inspiration to keep it going.
I could also use some tips on what to look up about what to expect. Are there certain diets I should talor to? Certain exercises? Any good supplements out there? Should I start growing out my hair? (I buzzed it and shaved when I went in for shock therapy about 3 months ago)
I guess I should just end with; I used to be EXTREMELY depressed. Being transgender not even the main aspect (I can actually survive as a man fairly well... just isn't natural). Since my shock therapy I wouldn't even call myself depressed... and yet I still wish I was a woman. This is some key introspective information to have. I want to transition not for the sex (though honestly, sex as a woman turns me on MUCH more)... I don't want to transition for any other reason than I feel I identify as a woman, and I actually get along with women much better than men (as friends). I actually find women more attractive then men as well (though both can turn me on, and men tend to have those 'life partner' aspects more than women). One last question I guess, considering that, is; does HRT increase sexual desire towards men? That question is one just out of pure curiosity, as if I decide to transition, it will be for ME, and not for others... post-op, I will be dating ANYONE... though I guess it would be nice if I could learn to like men better than women. I guess I've always had this image of me getting married to the guy of my dreams sort of thing..... no idea why really.
Anyways, help would be more than appreciated! You will be seeing much more of me on here I suspect.
