Hello there fellow trans*.  My name is currently Nick.  I am questioning whether or not it should become Nikki (Something better than that actually... just making a point.).  What should I do?  I will cut through bull->-bleeped-<- and be as frank as possible.  I hope I don't offend anyone, but as I have never talked about this subject to other trans* people, I may say something offense... probably not, but who knows.  I can assure you, it is not intended.  I am indeed a transgendered individual... I wish I was born a woman.  I identify much more with women.  I act more like a woman.  The question at this point is; should I pursue a transition?

So to start, I should say that I unfortunately feel as though I should at the least be PASSABLE as a woman... beautiful would be nice, but it isn't necessary.  That said, I will include pictures.  I would like it if someone could tell me realistically if between makeup, supplements, hormones, surgery, etc, I would end up being passable as a woman (with no doubt--is the thing).  I have included one body picture from about two years ago, when I was my heaviest (500 lbs.).  I am still close to that weight.  I guess my main concern is my weight.

I have actually seen my eyes change to a more feminine shape simply since I have came out of the closet as bi (to everyone but my stubborn grandpa, and my littlest sister--whom my parents say shouldn't know... yeah    ) and transgender (to a select few/parents/all friends).  This transition simply to wanting it more has peaked my interest, as it seems will and intent alone has made some differences to me.  I act a little more feminine, my breasts have enlarged (from their already large size)... I have high hopes for if I make the decision.  Anyways, here are the pictures.  The first is my body (picture was for a weight loss show tryout), the second is me (in the middle) as a small child... the third is my highschool graduation picture, the rest are in order from me being youngest to oldest.  My hope is someone has enough experience/knowledge to tell me what to expect (given my body and face structure, etc).  I gave the young picture to show my basic facial structure when I was thin... and young.  The last photo is from about a year ago... it is the latest picture I have of myself.  Here they are:

http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r261/superbubba88/ExtremeMakoverPictureNCM.jpg

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2609040186259&l=a92920f453

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1494961214981&l=154944de61

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1259585970747&l=64da7e0c89

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=3445823425317&l=d3f9e661f0

So I will tell a little about my story.  I wanted to be a woman from before I knew it.  As a small child (under 4 years old) I was obsessed with CHANGE.  I would actually get turned on from pretending to be something different (I have vivid memories of having an erection, long before I knew what it was... at the time, even where the sensation was coming from).  Kindergarten was hard for me, as I tried to hang out with women, only to be told I had cooties, etc.  It only got worse from there.  Most didn't even suspect that I was bi or transgender when I came out about a year ago, as I eventually developed the perfect facade (and settled with almost all male friends).  As a matter of fact, I recently got into lucid dreaming, originally to see what it would be like to be a woman.  My first lucid dream, within seconds, I turned myself into a woman.  The dream took place at a party... I ended up just walking around and talking to people, as if I was a woman.  It was as easy as pie!  It was odd, how different I acted, simply by knowing I had the appearance of a woman.  I walked with more 'emphasis', I talked with a female vocabulary, on and on... IT WAS MORE NATURAL!  I could simply BE.  I ended up flirting with (and I think ->-bleeped-<-ing) some guy.  After that dream, I have had a hard time resisting the urge to transform in a lucid dream.

I was actually going to have a bit more story there, but I think a good enough point is made for now.  Point being: I would LOVE to transition.  I'm just hung on the fear of it not going so well.  Partially in appearance, but mainly because of my family... and SOME friends.  Most of which uber Christian (Mother especially).  I am concerned about the hardships of transition (though I know I could be strong enough to handle them).  I am also concerned about budget.  As I'm currently unemployed.  That will change soon, but as I have disabilities (and SSD/SSI/Medicaid/Medicare), I will not be able to make much, and still be able to afford my medicines (My current MAIN diagnosis is "schizotypal").  I wouldn't mind knowing how much certain common things cost.  Voice feminization surgery, breast surgery (reduction for me, potentially), facial stuff... hair removal.

Funny, I just remembered that I use to have hormone problems (potentially still do--they just aren't checked).  At one point I was taking testosterone, as my doctor noticed its level was just below the level it should be, and that my estrogen was higher than normal.  Sign? 

I guess all I wanted was some encouragement, to get me going!  I am having a hard time losing my weight, but I think if I had in mind I would be transitioning closer to when I lose it all, I will have MORE than enough inspiration to keep it going.

I could also use some tips on what to look up about what to expect.  Are there certain diets I should talor to?  Certain exercises?  Any good supplements out there?  Should I start growing out my hair?  (I buzzed it and shaved when I went in for shock therapy about 3 months ago)

I guess I should just end with; I used to be EXTREMELY depressed.  Being transgender not even the main aspect (I can actually survive as a man fairly well... just isn't natural).  Since my shock therapy I wouldn't even call myself depressed... and yet I still wish I was a woman.  This is some key introspective information to have.  I want to transition not for the sex (though honestly, sex as a woman turns me on MUCH more)... I don't want to transition for any other reason than I feel I identify as a woman, and I actually get along with women much better than men (as friends).  I actually find women more attractive then men as well (though both can turn me on, and men tend to have those 'life partner' aspects more than women).  One last question I guess, considering that, is; does HRT increase sexual desire towards men?  That question is one just out of pure curiosity, as if I decide to transition, it will be for ME, and not for others... post-op, I will be dating ANYONE... though I guess it would be nice if I could learn to like men better than women.  I guess I've always had this image of me getting married to the guy of my dreams sort of thing..... no idea why really.

Anyways, help would be more than appreciated!  You will be seeing much more of me on here I suspect.

Hi Nikki, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  

Welcome Honey, one word of caution, you will find it extremely difficult to get an endocrinologist to put you on HRT at that weight. The risks are astronomical.

So, start to see a gender therapist and get on a medically controlled diet. Yes you can make it and we will be here for you at every step. Never give in.

Hugs young lady

Cindy

Thanks for the encouragement Cindy, you are too kind!  I have already begun to lose weight... it was hard before, but with HRT as a goal for the end, it has become much easier!  I knew I could count on the gals here to help a fellow transgender individual out!  I will have to look more into a gender therapist as my first step I guess?  (Aside from losing weight)  There is transgender stuff through UofM about an hour away from me.  They have given me stuff on it from my last visit to the hospital for my shock therapy.  I'm assuming with disability, the therapy would be free... though I have a feeling nothing else will be...   What can I expect from a gender therapist?  Also, what do you mean by 'medically controlled diet'?  Is there a certain medicine, or diet type I should be doing?  Because as of right now, I'm not taking anything, and I'm simply cutting back, more and more each day.  I have already lost about 30 lbs. in the past 2 months!  Any further help would be lovely!  Also; what will probably be my name in the future, is Ava--by the way.    I would pick Nikki, but that would remind me of my past too much.  Ava means life.  I like the sound of it... if I could pick a name, that would be it!  Thanks again girl!

Hi Nikki,
Yes, a psychotherapist who is well-versed in transgender issues would be a great help to you, in giving you an official diagnosis, helping you to understand your self better, possibly provide you with some coping mechanisms, and ultimately provide you with the letter you will need to start HRT and the physical transitioning process. Having struggled with weight issues myself, I can appreciate your situation. 'Medically controlled', I believe, refers to the nutritional aspects. If you can avoid it, refrain from using 'medication' to lose weight. I started by reducing my sugar intake drastically. I cut out fried foods, anything made with white flour and anything high in fat. I ate more fruit and vegetables, less meat. I don't snack. My last food intake for the day is never later than three hours before I retire to bed. I walk or bike to work. I dropped 65 lbs and have kept it off.
Word of caution: Do not starve yourself. You are young, you have time. I know someone who, using this same strategy went from a 56 inch waist to a 32 and has kept it off for decades. It took a few years. So, my dear Ava, consult a dietitian, and prepare for a bright future

Oh, by the way, UofM... Montreal? Minnesota? Manitoba? Memphis? Michigan? Missouri? Montana? Miami? Moscow?

You mean University of Michigan right? I see my gender therapist in Ann Arbor, he is associated with UofM. I dunno exactly how they price things but I am poor so for me at least there is no charge, maybe they don't charge anyone idk. I don't think I had to prove that I was poor or nothing for it though. If you have any questions let me know and I can try to answer them or I can ask them when I see them Thursday if I remember.

I'm a Michigander, yes.  ;-D  Ann Arbor is such a lovely town too!  I would love to be able to move there, if I made enough money.  It isn't a cheap place to live though...

Being intelligible, I would say really the only info I need (that I can't just look up myself), is where to begin.  I mean... what should I be looking into right now?  I could just start looking into everything at once, but I like having a plan.

Also; at this point my mind is made up.  I'm going through with it.

I would say go check out their site  http://www.uofmhealth.org/medical-services/transgender-services 

I've done that, and contacted them... I mean; should I start looking into feminizing food, and feminizing exercises?  I think that should probably be where I start.  Also; would you recommend taking some sort of feminizing supplement while I try and lose the weight for HRT?  Something herbal, perhaps?

Can't hurt to start early, right?  I guess I just need to divote many days to Google, lol.

Oh, what did they say? Got an appointment?

As for the herbals, some people take that route, myself included, but can't recommend it. I would definitely talk with you doctor about it beforehand, get their ok on it.

I would concentrate on losing the weight and getting an appointment first before anything else.

Begin with setting up a therapist appointment, clothing, diet and exercise.

At least, I think that is a good place to start.

Quote from: LordKAT on June 11, 2014, 07:35:57 AM
Begin with setting up a therapist appointment, clothing, diet and exercise.

At least, I think that is a good place to start.

This ^^^^
For sure!