Losing emotional legitimacy.

[LittleEmily24]

I went to the gym yesterday. I had a spectacularly terrible time. Normally I go to the gym and everything is fine, I get a few stares from people that really do little more than piss me off because they aren't very polite stares.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly bad because of the level of misgendering that takes place in my office. At first it was a good day because I found out that i have authorization for my Endo appointments to be covered by my insurance, and I also went to my wife's restaurant for the first time as myself ~ which resulted in her co-workers thinking that I was "her husband's sister." so that gave me a bit of an ego boost.

But then... then I went to the gym to meet up with my personal trainer and after looking but not finding her i went to the reception desk to ask about her.... the guy at the desk didnt even GLANCE at me... he was looking at the computer screen and talking to some other guy and he says directly at me; "what can I do for you, brother?"... My heart shattered into a million pieces... I was dressed in female work-out attire... in fact i had left my house feeling pretty confident in my appearance... only for this guy to BARELY look at me, and call me "brother"... to which he later didnt even correct himself. I was in such dismay that I stayed quiet the rest of my time at the gym... and then after cardio I went to the lockers (for those of you who didnt read my post about that, I gave them my formal letter and they told me that I could use the women's locker room and not run into problems, and that if anything would happen that they would have my back).

Despite having documented protection from any sort of problems i might run into in the locker room... This was my first time walking in there alone without my wife (she stayed home)... In retrospect, I am proud of myself for having done that.. but its the way I did it that made me just break down the moment I got home... I walked in feeling this overwhelming sense of FEAR... despite knowing I would be fine if any problems arose... I felt afraid... I felt illegitimate... I was afraid to look up... I felt like an intruder... and i'm almost certain it had something to do with that guy from reception calling me "brother."... I hated how I walked in there and instead of feeling like another woman, I felt like an intruder... I was afraid to look up and meet anyones eyes out of fear that someone might clock me as some kind of perv or predator... or that I would be singled out...

I got home and cried my eyes out because that feeling of illegitimacy completely destroyed me... and that was the beginning of what I've marked now as my "no past as a woman, no future as a man" stage... I feel like I don't belong anywhere in society... I don't belong in the guy column because im not a guy, and i dont belong in the girl column because I'm not cis and they can all see it...

I just hate that out in public I can be like any other girl... but in intimate or private places meant strictly for females.. I feel like... i dont know how to explain it but it breaks my heart.

I'm afraid that one day I'm gonna be in there, and someone will harmlessly ask me a question about, say, the tempurature or the heat or if I have a quarter I can give them.. and I'll just freeze up and collapse out of complete fear... I've always thought that if someone came up to me and said " what the F*** are you doing in here?!" I would confidently respond with "the same reason you are in here >_>

but after last night, its like something changed in me and my fear gauge increased to red-zone levels.. its not just one type of fear either.. its all kinds of fears... fear that I'll always be forced to be that way... fear that I'll always keep my head down, fear that no matter how passable I get that I will still be incredibly fragile... or just the very fear that I'll never reach the point where i can comfortably use a female facility without putting my guard up.. Even as I type this, i feel like crying... I want to be able to just be another women without fear.... I use to LOVE women... I use to feel totally comfortable around them and actually preferred their company... now I fear them like they're ready to pounce on me as if I was a gazelle among lionesses.

I guess i dont really know what I'm hoping to get out of this post, I don't like feeling this way... it makes me feel like a fake by association alone... and it almost send the girl I feel I am into prison mode... like I'm trapped all over again. I've used the women's restroom before, and I put my head up and I walk confidently in there and I OWN my femininity despite the looks I might get... but for some reason its like that statue of confidence was made of glass spray painted with silver spray paint, and shattered into a million pieces after i walked into the women's locker room alone.

I feel so stupid for all this, I feel like a complete idiot for feeling this way... because one person's comment got to me SO much that it destroyed my security... I just hate that he didn't even have to look t me to clock me... </3 I mean... Im not even big looking anymore... my arms are slender and my chest has gone down from 45 inches to 38... my shoulders are pretty broad but not "too" broad for a woman... i've seen women with BROADER shoulders than me.. yet despite my white hair band, longer-than-pixie length hair style, and bright feminine gym attire.... it was effortless for him to clock me. UGH.. maybe i'm just a dumb b*tch

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this. It isn't hard to get a massive blow to self confidence and feel unsure of yourself for awhile after. While I'm not as far along in my transition as you are, I know that I felt similarly when I first started driving. It might sound like a weird comparison at first, but for me I was super timid at first and hand to gradually build up confidence. And even once I did, a missed stop sign or some other dumb move by me shattered that confidence I was right back to square one until I could build back up again. Over time though the mistakes hit less hard and I recovered faster. Give yourself some time and remember that even cisgender women occasionally get miss gendered when someone isn't paying attention. You look great and are taking good steps forward, stay confident and things will work out.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Em,

First off, you are not a dumb bitch, so stop beating yourself up, sister.

Second, you were so brave yesterday, and reacted with grace and dignity. Be proud of yourself. Honestly, the guy at the gym just sounds like a dick, so I wouldn't waste too much thought on him as a person.

It sounds like yesterday was a series of ups and downs for you, and this trigger was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. But you are strong, sis, and you'll bounce back from this. Maybe next time (if there is one) you'll even have a pithy response for boneheads like this.

For what it's worth, I've always thought you look lovely in your profile pic.

Hang in there!

-Teg

[LittleEmily24]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this. It isn't hard to get a massive blow to self confidence and feel unsure of yourself for awhile after. While I'm not as far along in my transition as you are, I know that I felt similarly when I first started driving. It might sound like a weird comparison at first, but for me I was super timid at first and hand to gradually build up confidence. And even once I did, a missed stop sign or some other dumb move by me shattered that confidence I was right back to square one until I could build back up again. Over time though the mistakes hit less hard and I recovered faster. Give yourself some time and remember that even cisgender women occasionally get miss gendered when someone isn't paying attention. You look great and are taking good steps forward, stay confident and things will work out.

lol... surprisingly i know the feeling... When i first started driving (during transition btw), I was so morbidly frightened of getting pulled over or being looked at from another car... I would drive slow and follow the rules to the TEE. What truly bothered me about this experience though, was that my confidence has already been built up quite firmly, and one small comment made 5 months of gathered confidence inexplicably shatter >_<.

I know i just have to keep reminding myself that I'm on my way i actually really like how my body is shaping up and how my skin is looking... i just sometimes don't understand how I can see something so strong, so beautiful in my mirror, so confidently... and have it completely destroyed... I mean hell, I looked like ->-bleeped-<- when i was male, I never took care of myself at ALL... and when people look at me now that I feel I look so much better regardless of gender... their stares or their backhanded comments make me feel just so ugly.

Em,

First off, you are not a dumb bitch, so stop beating yourself up, sister.

Second, you were so brave yesterday, and reacted with grace and dignity. Be proud of yourself. Honestly, the guy at the fun just sounds like a dick, so I wouldn't waste too much thought on him as a person.

It sounds like yesterday was a series of ups and downs for you, and this trigger was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. But you are strong, sis, and you'll bounce back from this. Maybe next time (if there is one) you'll even have a pithy response for boneheads like this.

For what it's worth, I've always thought you look lovely in your profile pic.

Hang in there!

-Teg

Thank you <3 for both the reassurance and the compliment ... I need to figure out how to put the pieces back together

What really hurt the most out of the entire night... was that painful feeling like my femininity wasn't genuine... its so hard for me to explain what I mean... its almost like the part of my brain that controls fear, got its fuel from that comment and saw an opening in my vulnerability the moment i stepped into the locker room, for it to scream at me "YOU'RE NOT A GIRL." Like a shot of penicillin to the heart after a cocaine overdose... only this shot didn't wake me up, it shut me down. I found myself arguing with that little insignificant part of my brain, like congress yelling at the president... Despite having the strength of the rest of my brain yelling back, "I AM a girl, you shut up and go back to where you came from!"... the fear receptor just laughed.

[EllieM]

Em, I have said it before, I'll say it again. You are way cute, girl. I plus one Ellesmira and Teg, and I raise with nil carborundum illigitimus. Ignore the bro comment, that was anomalous artifact. Go with the "husband's sister" assessment, seriously SIS.
As regards the locker room, make it your own. That is your space. No one can take that from you. Anyone who even suggests otherwise is way off base. My dear, keep calm and carry on.

[Miharu Barbie]

Hi Emily,

This is it.  What you're going through, this is the process.  Gender transition is a little like moving to a foreign country where you don't speak the language, you don't know the customs, and you feel like everyone you meet is looking at you with disdain and judgment.  But you're here, and you're immersed in the process of finding your way and acclimating to your evolving position in the greater social hierarchy.  And little by little, day after day, you will learn the language; you will learn the customs; and the day will come when service people will barely acknowledge your presence as they let out a bored, "Can I help you ma'am?"

That said, you should know this.  It is a well-established reality that animals of prey smell fear.  Bullies and jerks know in their bones, as if by pure instinct, who they can get away with picking on and pushing around; they can size up and eviscerate a vulnerable heart in a second and think nothing of it.  Your best defense against the bad behavior and judgment of others is to build your confidence.  Unfortunately, one of the best tools for building confidence is the passage of time.  Go out, interact, get comfortable in your skin and in your roll.  Confidence will come.  And in time, bullies and jerks will keep their nasty comments and confrontational judgments to themselves, because they will sense your confidence the second they see you, and they won't want any part of it.  They are only interested in the vulnerable and the fearful.  Soon you will be neither.

You go girl!

[ashrock]

Im proud of you!  I totally relate to feeling deligitamized as my wife (ex, but Im not ready for that prefix...) has unapologetically and emphatically has tried to make me feel that way.  Perfect example is she refuses to say my manner of speaking is feminine, instead opting for  "You sound like a guy no matter how ->-bleeped-<-gy you make your voice", which hits me sooooo many different ways, but the hardest is the way you feel hit: by saying "make your voice" it implies im a pretender and that I always will be.  I was distraught and felt like some sort of freak until I realize things that happen that present evidence that I am not.  Earlier that very day Id told a person over the phone Id called about a house issue that I was (legal name) the home owner; and the response? "Who is that, your husband?". 

After the wife said her hurtful things, all night I felt like maybe she was right despite my experiences otherwise.  I say all that to express this, I understand very much where you are coming from here, but I am hopeful that experience will over time disprove those feelings to be inaccurate.  I think our lives as women are legitimized by our experiences as women, and that doesn't happen immediately. Eventually how I am treated by other people will completely override someone who makes a stupid comment like that. Its a progression, one little thing at a time. You are doing great, don't beat yourself up.

[Megan Joanne]

Sounds like he recognized you for your voice if he said what he did without really looking at you, taking you for a man because he heard a guy talking...you (maybe you didn't even realize your voice gave you away). There were several times even very late into my transitioning that on very rare occasions I'd get "sir'd" or something like it, and I knew that it was my voice, I could feel it give me away (damn voicebox, stay in the female range!). I'd get so upset by it that I'd be thinking about it all day even when I was trying not to, sometimes I'd get so upset I would start crying, even while I was in the middle of working sometimes too. I felt ugly because of it, a simple word tearing me up inside, and then I'd wish that I couldn't talk at all, until I got over it. Also, early on when I was still all new to living as a woman (I can even see this in pictures of me from then) that while I looked somewhat the part, my posture, my behavior wasn't quite right, so obviously sometimes I'd get clocked as not being a 'real woman' by that as well (probably moreso body language because I didn't talk all that much anyway). And its okay to cry and breakdown, yes it hurts, but better than not living how you feel and bottle up your emotions. And you totally sound like me...don't berate yourself like that (I should talk - but I'm trying not to anymore), I think you're pretty, interesting, you seem a good person (from what posts of you're that I've read, I like you), and you have the support of your wife (not many could be so lucky). You're in a good place I think. You just need time to get everything right. Keep at it, you'll be fine.

[HoneyStrums]

What truly bothered me about this experience though, was that my confidence has already been built up quite firmly, and one small comment made 5 months of gathered confidence inexplicably shatter >_<. 

The saying the "bigger you are, the harder you fall" is not restricted to a physical body, But our emotions feel it far more. How ever bad you feel now, take it as what it is honey, A direct reflection of how GOOD about yourself you felt before. Without these kicks in the face we would start to take happiness for granted.

The reason you feel so low, is because of how much better about yourself you feel.

I never took care of myself at ALL... and when people look at me now that I feel I look so much better regardless of gender... their stares or their backhanded comments make me feel just so ugly.

You feel ugly because that is what's thrown at you, people let their ugliness show through their behaviour and there comments. You see this ugly behaviour in their responses to you. That is why you feel ugly, but it is not a reflection of you. Its is a portrait of their personality towards you, not a portrait of you.

What really hurt the most out of the entire night... was that painful feeling like my femininity wasn't genuine

YOU'RE NOT A GIRL.

Or YOU'RE NOT "CIS"

Also I have moments lacking confidence each time I do something for myself the first time. I don't feel like an intruder, I act like one. But its more a fear of rejection. Like a runt, ya know? each child deserves just as much as the next, but the runts deserving no less get rejected from a place they belong. Because they are seen as not good enough in the eyes of others, but we're strong enough to say "I deserve it too, this is wear I belong."

But suffering a knock back from being unable to do something you have done before is distressing, why cant I do it, I've done it before?
I think you judge yourself too much by the eyes and reactions of others. Their eyes are not yours. Getting called a man? Well BE a woman that gets called a man, because of how her body looks by people who judge gender on appearance or sound, but know that anybody that gets to know you, will know the woman you are. That guy at the desk, what does it matter he doesn't know you?

[LittleEmily24]

Sounds like he recognized you for your voice if he said what he did without really looking at you, taking you for a man because he heard a guy talking...you (maybe you didn't even realize your voice gave you away). There were several times even very late into my transitioning that on very rare occasions I'd get "sir'd" or something like it, and I knew that it was my voice, I could feel it give me away (damn voicebox, stay in the female range!). I'd get so upset by it that I'd be thinking about it all day even when I was trying not to, sometimes I'd get so upset I would start crying, even while I was in the middle of working sometimes too. I felt ugly because of it, a simple word tearing me up inside, and then I'd wish that I couldn't talk at all, until I got over it. Also, early on when I was still all new to living as a woman (I can even see this in pictures of me from then) that while I looked somewhat the part, my posture, my behavior wasn't quite right, so obviously sometimes I'd get clocked as not being a 'real woman' by that as well (probably moreso body language because I didn't talk all that much anyway). And its okay to cry and breakdown, yes it hurts, but better than not living how you feel and bottle up your emotions. And you totally sound like me...don't berate yourself like that (I should talk - but I'm trying not to anymore), I think you're pretty, interesting, you seem a good person (from what posts of you're that I've read, I like you), and you have the support of your wife (not many could be so lucky). You're in a good place I think. You just need time to get everything right. Keep at it, you'll be fine.

I didnt say anything until he addressed me so it wasn't my voice.... and I dont think it could have been my body language because about 75% of me was covered by the high-up reception desk and I came up behind him.. not to mention that for me ~ body language was never a learning thing.. I was always holding back my feminine body language, so much so that behaving like a guy has become HARDER to impersonate now that I no longer have to... the only thing I really needed practice in when i started transition was the walking which doesn't apply because the guy was facing away from the entrance and I came up behind him

Granted; if I didn't have my wife to cry on, I don't know what i'd do. I admit and am aware that i'm not perfect and I do slip up sometimes on my voice or my body language.. but this time I could have just as well have been approaching him behind a wall. I don't like pondering desperately on "what did I do wrong?, is it my face? is it my skin? hair? body shape?", especially since I don't see any problems when i look in the mirror.

Regardless, thanks for calling me pretty and interesting lol.. even with that I blush behind the computer screen >_< im hopeless lol.

Once again all you girls have succeeded in lifting my spirits <3

Im proud of you!  I totally relate to feeling deligitamized as my wife (ex, but Im not ready for that prefix...) has unapologetically and emphatically has tried to make me feel that way.  Perfect example is she refuses to say my manner of speaking is feminine, instead opting for  "You sound like a guy no matter how ->-bleeped-<-gy you make your voice", which hits me sooooo many different ways, but the hardest is the way you feel hit: by saying "make your voice" it implies im a pretender and that I always will be.  I was distraught and felt like some sort of freak until I realize things that happen that present evidence that I am not.  Earlier that very day Id told a person over the phone Id called about a house issue that I was (legal name) the home owner; and the response? "Who is that, your husband?". 

After the wife said her hurtful things, all night I felt like maybe she was right despite my experiences otherwise.  I say all that to express this, I understand very much where you are coming from here, but I am hopeful that experience will over time disprove those feelings to be inaccurate.  I think our lives as women are legitimized by our experiences as women, and that doesn't happen immediately. Eventually how I am treated by other people will completely override someone who makes a stupid comment like that. Its a progression, one little thing at a time. You are doing great, don't beat yourself up.

Wow that sounds so terrible... and mean... but I'm glad that it was quickly proven wrong by that person on the phone <3 Sometimes the opinion of the ones we love can have a greater effect on our ability to believe it, even if it is a complete lie fabricated our of jealousy or hatred. I guess the reason this all effected me the way it did was because before the incident, no one could DARE tell me i'm not a woman, because I would stand up for myself with passion... but this event left me feeling like someone pushed me into a pool and I emerged in a lake in freezing Siberia. I do feel better now though. Much better.

[LittleEmily24]

Hi Emily,

This is it.  What you're going through, this is the process.  Gender transition is a little like moving to a foreign country where you don't speak the language, you don't know the customs, and you feel like everyone you meet is looking at you with disdain and judgment.  But you're here, and you're immersed in the process of finding your way and acclimating to your evolving position in the greater social hierarchy.  And little by little, day after day, you will learn the language; you will learn the customs; and the day will come when service people will barely acknowledge your presence as they let out a bored, "Can I help you ma'am?"

That said, you should know this.  It is a well-established reality that animals of prey smell fear.  Bullies and jerks know in their bones, as if by pure instinct, who they can get away with picking on and pushing around; they can size up and eviscerate a vulnerable heart in a second and think nothing of it.  Your best defense against the bad behavior and judgment of others is to build your confidence.  Unfortunately, one of the best tools for building confidence is the passage of time.  Go out, interact, get comfortable in your skin and in your roll.  Confidence will come.  And in time, bullies and jerks will keep their nasty comments and confrontational judgments to themselves, because they will sense your confidence the second they see you, and they won't want any part of it.  They are only interested in the vulnerable and the fearful.  Soon you will be neither.

You go girl!

I like your use of the different country metaphor. I suppose the way you said that kind of put it in a better perspective... it makes a lot of sense. Though I'm not sure about the bullies and jerks, sometimes even when i'm confident people don't realize just how menacing their eyes are fixated on me. Lately I've actually grown the confidence to stare back with a whip-lash of a stare though.

ugh, if only i could just learn to weigh the positive over the tiny negatives.. remind myself that i've come very far and that one person's stupid comment means nothing compared to all the barriers i've broken down.

Em, I have said it before, I'll say it again. You are way cute, girl. I plus one Ellesmira and Teg, and I raise with nil carborundum illigitimus. Ignore the bro comment, that was anomalous artifact. Go with the "husband's sister" assessment, seriously SIS.
As regards the locker room, make it your own. That is your space. No one can take that from you. Anyone who even suggests otherwise is way off base. My dear, keep calm and carry on.

lol... you sure know how to make a girl feel special <3

The saying the "bigger you are, the harder you fall" is not restricted to a physical body, But our emotions feel it far more. How ever bad you feel now, take it as what it is honey, A direct reflection of how GOOD about yourself you felt before. Without these kicks in the face we would start to take happiness for granted.

The reason you feel so low, is because of how much better about yourself you feel.

You feel ugly because that is what's thrown at you, people let their ugliness show through their behaviour and there comments. You see this ugly behaviour in their responses to you. That is why you feel ugly, but it is not a reflection of you. Its is a portrait of their personality towards you, not a portrait of you.
Or YOU'RE NOT "CIS"

Also I have moments lacking confidence each time I do something for myself the first time. I don't feel like an intruder, I act like one. But its more a fear of rejection. Like a runt, ya know? each child deserves just as much as the next, but the runts deserving no less get rejected from a place they belong. Because they are seen as not good enough in the eyes of others, but we're strong enough to say "I deserve it too, this is wear I belong."

But suffering a knock back from being unable to do something you have done before is distressing, why cant I do it, I've done it before?
I think you judge yourself too much by the eyes and reactions of others. Their eyes are not yours. Getting called a man? Well BE a woman that gets called a man, because of how her body looks by people who judge gender on appearance or sound, but know that anybody that gets to know you, will know the woman you are. That guy at the desk, what does it matter he doesn't know you?

I guess i just have the strongest desire to belong. That when a person of the gender I am not, associates me as one of them.. it stabs me hard. I know that people can be ignorant and dumb and mean and stupid, but I guess maybe i'm just still adjusting to my female sense of emotion. The problem is that it happens so frequently around me that I fear i'm gonna become cynical and a bitch... I like the sweet kind girl that I am, and while i'm getting better at building a shield against all the negativity, i hope to reach the day where i no longer need that shield... and fear the day where it might become a welded part of me. Thick skin and all, is great... everyone should have a thickness to their skin.. But when it starts to change you, that's what I don't want =( I'm not naive... I am a gladiator... but I don't want my victory streak to be my Achilles's heel.

Im sorry lol I have an obsession with metaphors and dramatizing my words >_< leave it to a creative writer to make a "short response" lol..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Btw, sorry if this whole "responding to everyone's responses" thing is annoying >_< i just feel that if I made a post asking for help, I may as well do the courtesy of responding to someone as if they were talking to me in person.. I feel its rude (of me, i mean) to scroll over a person's response without acknowledging that I took it all in lol...

[HoneyStrums]

Actually Emily, I love that you respond to everyone. Sometimes a person can feel ignored (not that they are but the can still FEEL it)

EMILY you seem a bit like me. How many times have you been sorry for being sorry I only though of that because I was about to say no need to be sorry, and then what do you know, when people say stop being sorry to me, I sorry for being sorry too LMAO.

But yeah being gendered male really gets to me now. Partly because before transition everything people did to me was de masculinise me, and now that I'm expressing my inner self, masculinity seems almost forced upon me, wtf???

But when you get right down to it, what matters is you. If you don't want to be this type of person chances are you wont become it But yes I'm frightened my personality I love will change, I doubt it. But it is going to be a second puberty that is without a doubt. But don't forget one thing, these things we like about our self have stayed with us through one puberty. until they settle down its going to be rocky we're going to have mood swings

[LittleEmily24]

Actually Emily, I love that you respond to everyone. Sometimes a person can feel ignored (not that they are but the can still FEEL it)

EMILY you seem a bit like me. How many times have you been sorry for being sorry I only though of that because I was about to say no need to be sorry, and then what do you know, when people say stop being sorry to me, I sorry for being sorry too LMAO.

But yeah being gendered male really gets to me now. Partly because before transition everything people did to me was de masculinise me, and now that I'm expressing my inner self, masculinity seems almost forced upon me, wtf???

But when you get right down to it, what matters is you. If you don't want to be this type of person chances are you wont become it But yes I'm frightened my personality I love will change, I doubt it. But it is going to be a second puberty that is without a doubt. But don't forget one thing, these things we like about our self have stayed with us through one puberty. until they settle down its going to be rocky we're going to have mood swings

LMAO!!! OMG NO KIDDING!!!! wow that kind of just blew my mind... its SO true... in my male life people just worked towards emasculating me or telling me i was being a girl or being a pussy.... and now that i'm actually female, its like people are trying to shove masculinity down my throat... wow...  *mind explosion*

yeah i've always had a bad habit of apologizing too much >_< i chock it up to my years of brutal bullying, getting better at it though.

as for the puberty thing... it makes a lot of sense... in fact, i feel as though i am currently exhibiting a 2nd puberty type stage in my transition, maybe im just having that reaction that i had when I was 15 experiencing puberty going into 16... it was my birthday and i broke down crying for no real reason, and started feeling like 15 and 16 were years apart, discovering myself and not being able to handle the emotions i was feeling.. lol once again  mind blown.

[stephaniec]

I think you said  3 months on HRT. I really didn't see to much until at least the 6th  month. I'm at 8 now and there are times I go wow and in the same day I'll go damn I'm not changing very much. It's a long process just try to relax and take it day by day.

[LittleEmily24]

I think you said  3 months on HRT. I really didn't see to much until at least the 6th  month. I'm at 8 now and there are times I go wow and in the same day I'll go damn I'm not changing very much. It's a long process just try to relax and take it day by day.

I know =/ but don't get me wrong, im quite happy with my results so far <3 well... except for my stubborn boobs that need a bit of motivation.

What did you say to this guy when he said that to you? If your presenting female then of course correct him. He should be apologetic. Letting it slide though will only give him the impression that you are a guy, perhaps a very effeminate guy, because what woman gets called brother and doesn't address that? That or he thinks it's ok to deliberately misgender you and there not being any consequences for doing so.

It is very scary, and you have so much strength and courage Em. I;m sorry this a**hole said that to you babe.

Thats the thing... i was already in a fragile state and it left me voiceless.. i almost didnt respond to his question because i was pushed back.. i somehow found the courage to numbly ask for my personal trainer. I know i should've corrected him.. but the way it all went down just left me baffled and at a loss for words.. had he looked at me first, i wouldve corrected him.. but the fact that he didnt see me and already clocked me... it was a direct blow to my self-consciousness.

It was incredibly scary... but all in all, im glad that I did it.. maybe next time i'll be able to do it without so much fear, with comfort <3

[LittleEmily24]

I'm confused, he clocked you without seeing you?

Precisely... I walked up behind him and he must've seen me out of his peripheral vision, he was looking at a computer screen and facing almost 90 degrees away from my direction, and without even glancing up away from the screen he said "what can I do for you brother". and no I don't mean "bro" lol which is a commonly used term down here in Miami for pretty much ANYONE regardless of gender... i mean Brother as in "fellow male compatriot" =/ its because of this specifically that it hurt so much... made me feel like "damn, i didnt have to open my mouth or dress male for this guy to see a GUY next to him."

I mean i understand im still early in transition... but I do NOT look obviously male to ANYONE.. even I'm not negative enough to think I look 100% male for someone to be able to so easily clock me without even seeing who they're talking to Granted; if anyone pays close attention, they might see some male features left in me... but its not like I stand out like a dead animal in a field of daisies lol

Either way, I'm feeling better about it now

[TerriT]

These spaces are so new to us. You know it just takes time for everything to settle in. It's not easy but you're doing great! It didn't destroy your confidence, it was just upsetting. That happens to all girls. Feelings get hurt, people are jerks, but even after the dude at the counter, you didn't melt away. The world didn't stop turning. You didn't even leave. You went and completed your workout and then used the locker room. You pushed yourself through all if that, on your own. That's a lot to be proud of and only somebody with your confidence can pull that off.

I do know what you mean about feeling like you'll never be part of the clique. That feeling does suck. But I try to focus on the people who do accept me with open arms and without treating me different. That's what matters.

[Ms Grace]

If he misgendered you without barely seeing you and not hearing you it may be some things other than your appearance were behind him calling you "brother". Without realising it people use a lot of subconscious/subliminal clues to determine gender, it's a very innate process most cis people don't even think about. If he's catching you out of the corner of his eye and misgendering you then it may have been something about your posture or the way you walk? Not that I want to give you other things to feel worried about but these are also key to presenting as female and which doesn't trigger people's subconscious gendars (yes, gendars ). If I spot a good looking trans woman who should otherwise be passing it is almost always because she is standing or walking like a guy, nothing gives them away faster. Anyway, you may have perfect poise for all know, that's just me pulling a few random thoughts out of my brain.

As for the change rooms/ lockers, I want you to go right back there and walk in like you freaking own the place. Looking insecure and feeling like an intruder is going to draw attention you don't want, need or deserve. Own your space, girl - and no one will doubt you, they won't dare to. Going back in there ASAP will help you confront the fear.

[LittleEmily24]

These spaces are so new to us. You know it just takes time for everything to settle in. It's not easy but you're doing great! It didn't destroy your confidence, it was just upsetting. That happens to all girls. Feelings get hurt, people are jerks, but even after the dude at the counter, you didn't melt away. The world didn't stop turning. You didn't even leave. You went and completed your workout and then used the locker room. You pushed yourself through all if that, on your own. That's a lot to be proud of and only somebody with your confidence can pull that off.

Good point.. I suppose it couldve been worse... I guess I should try harder to see the strength it took to keep going in my day despite the blow to my confidence.

I do know what you mean about feeling like you'll never be part of the clique. That feeling does suck. But I try to focus on the people who do accept me with open arms and without treating me different. That's what matters.

Honestly, i wish i knew what that felt like... Since transitioning i've pretty much lost all my close friends (not because of transition, other reasons) and I only get that feeling of open-armed acceptance from my wife when she's around or when I'm home -_- even my female friends for SOME outrageous reason at first would tell me "ive always seen you as a girl, now you're just going to look the part." are treating me like a guy now... it doesn't make a lick of sense... They misgender me, they still even use the "othername" sometimes.... its been 5 months since i announced myself as Emily both socially and presentation-wise... and my female friends who claimed to have seen me as female since the beginning, are misgendering me and calling me by othername and treating me more like a guy now?? Its a catch 22... makes no sense at all.

Maybe some time soon i'll make some new friends =/, I mean i have plenty of online friends but, hopefully soon I'll make new cis or trans friends. there's a new trans support group starting up in my area pretty soon that is facilitated by my psychologist's son, maybe i'll be able to make a new friend *crosses fingers*

[LittleEmily24]

If he misgendered you without barely seeing you and not hearing you it may be some things other than your appearance were behind him calling you "brother". Without realising it people use a lot of subconscious/subliminal clues to determine gender, it's a very innate process most cis people don't even think about. If he's catching you out of the corner of his eye and misgendering you then it may have been something about your posture or the way you walk? Not that I want to give you other things to feel worried about but these are also key to presenting as female and which doesn't trigger people's subconscious gendars (yes, gendars ). If I spot a good looking trans woman who should otherwise be passing it is almost always because she is standing or walking like a guy, nothing gives them away faster. Anyway, you may have perfect poise for all know, that's just me pulling a few random thoughts out of my brain.

As for the change rooms/ lockers, I want you to go right back there and walk in like you freaking own the place. Looking insecure and feeling like an intruder is going to draw attention you don't want, need or deserve. Own your space, girl - and no one will doubt you, they won't dare to. Going back in there ASAP will help you confront the fear.

I will do JUST that next time. After everyone's responses, i feel so much better. Idk where i'd be without you girls here <3