Finding more tools for healing?

[BarkBark]

Most of the time I ride along emotionally doing ok despite my dysphoria. I've learned to space out about everything most of the time, living in my head, and so on. But still things come along or happen that totally rock me, and I crash and burn emotionally into huge grief that can really take me to the gutter, if I don't catch it and get my feet back under me  . Like this afternoon I was watching a wilderness special I like to watch, but this particular episode happened to involve the main guy's son - and watching that kid get to do a wilderness experience with his dad, which I was unable to do, really hit me hard and I've been fighting to get myself out of a deep dark hole all afternoon. At times like these, I really want an emotional bulletproof vest. 

Even though it's been called that, I think a lot of what I feel over my body not matching isn't really depression, though - it's grief. Grief over all the lost experiences I so craved over my life - the things I still crave but have learned to put a wet blanket of dissociation over the top of most of the time.

In the larger scheme of my living, I want to actually process through that grief, and not just subdue it with a depression label and an antidepressant. Because it feels to me like a grief that deserves honor - this isn't just a serotonin-based "feeling" born of a brain imbalance in a life that otherwise would be happy. There's a REAL reason for this pain I feel. A reason actually outside of myself, even as if hugely impacts myself. A reason for loss-induced sadness that's as real as a those felt by others who've endured great losses in their lives.

I'm wondering where the wisdom is to be found in how to process that grief and move on to release. In these days of "Here's 8 visits to a counselor and a prescription for Prozac", I'm doubting the psych industry can get me what I need.

And I'm not sure they even have what I need - or want.

If I lived in a tribal society, I might find a healer (probably also a trans* person) who would use ritual and story-recreation to "explain" to the deepest parts of my subconscious how I got ripped off by the culture I was born into, but how I came to it anyway in order to do or be a positive function or placeholder within it anyway. That healer would help me reframe my understanding of myself and my struggle into something that gave even my pain a purpose - so that it became more bearable (perhaps even reasonable), and perhaps even made me an integral part of my culture for the first time. (Like Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, said: "Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.")

Have others sought out or experienced events or happenings or "reframings" like this? If so, where? How? Etc?

[DriftingCrow]

I'm wondering where the wisdom is to be found in how to process that grief and move on to release. In these days of "Here's 8 visits to a counselor and a prescription for Prozac", I'm doubting the psych industry can get me what I need.

I think most readers are probably tired of me saying this, but I think meditation is really helpful because it can help you filter your thoughts and reframe your mindset. If you look on-line, you'll find a ton of articles and videos on different meditation techniques, try a few and stick with the one that feels best. Do it regularly, preferably daily though I know that can be hard.

If I lived in a tribal society, I might find a healer (probably also a trans* person) who would use ritual and story-recreation to "explain" to the deepest parts of my subconscious how I got ripped off by the culture I was born into, but how I came to it anyway in order to do or be a positive function or placeholder within it anyway. That healer would help me reframe my understanding of myself and my struggle into something that gave even my pain a purpose - so that it became more bearable (perhaps even reasonable), and perhaps even made me an integral part of my culture for the first time.

I really don't know what you mean by "tribal society", there's lots of tribes all over the world with different cultures, histories, and religions. There's tribes in Saudi Arabia and the Sinai desert, but I doubt that's what you mean.  I am going to presume you're partially discussing Native American tribes, since there's a myth that all Native American tribes fully accepted gay and trans people (totally not true, in some tribes gay and trans people were, and still are, outcasts).

Anyways, if you think something like a ritual and story would help you, you don't need to live in a tribal society with a healer to get that. Have you looked into Pagan or Wiccan witches or healers? They could do something similar. If you live near a Native American reservation, and are involved in the community, you may be able to ask their Medicine Man or Woman if they'd be willing to do something for you. There's lots of healers in different cultures and religions who could do something for you if you meet the right person.

Or better yet, you can make your own ritual and do it yourself.

[retransition]

Nimrata has great advice. I agree about spending some time meditating.  Here is my own take. I got to a point where I realized that I was spending far too much of my time craving things - wanting things to be one way and not the other, wanting to be doing something else than what I was doing, wanting to possess something I didn't have.  I still do this - I think we all do - but when I find myself doing it, if I am fortunate, I can stop myself doing it and just relax and be in the moment.  To just be there with it - whatever I was feeling - and accept it.  If it was grief, I would accept it as grief.  If it was pain, I would accept it as pain.  We all suffer and we all do little things to try to escape that suffering. And we can alleviate that suffering temporarily, but it returns again with more cravings. We haven't done anything to make it go away.  If this sounds familiar, then yeah - it is the foundation of Buddhism, and is part of the Four Noble Truths.  Rather than focusing on how things could have been (or "should have been") or how we want things to become - just feeling acceptance for what actually is. That is not to be complacent. Life is to be lived and plans are to be made.  But to spend time craving a past that never existed rather than enjoying the gift of our lives as they exist in reality (with both pain and pleasure) or to be wishing for a reality that, when we are honest with ourselves, is probably not possible is just to prolonging our suffering. 

You have the right idea to be ok with your grief - but also to see it for what it is and be ok with letting it go as well.   I am not religious, but these concepts helped me learn to be ok with myself (which is still an ongoing process) and, at the very least, being mindful of craving and trying to catch myself helped me quit smoking seven years ago.  I probably should start practicing mindfulness on this again though - cravings for horrible food that is hurting my health is an ongoing struggle! I need to kick its ass before it kicks mine.

[Taka]

there are healers everywhere, many of them are capable of healing just through conversation. you'll often find healers in unexpected places, and it also happens that someone is healed by a much more normal person than any healer or shrink. instead of just looking for a healer, see if you can find someone with other functions as well, like a masseur, chiropractor, ayurvedic doctor, reiki healer... many of those will notice a client's distress, and they often have quite impressive networks of alternative healers.

do mind that a healer might not agree with your ideas of what a healer should do. the serious ones will look for what you actually need, rather than what you think you need. you're also likely to be told much more about the energy blockages within you, than how society and everybody else have wronged you. but opening up those blockages through ritual, conversation, energy healing, or whatever helps you, is likely to make your communication with others easier, and they'll probably start treating you differently in turn.

other than that, there's one little piece of wisdom from a local tribal-ish society that i want to share with you. it's ok to grieve. the grief will never go away, it often stays just as strong for the rest of a person's life. but it's ok to grieve. when you feel the grief, cry if that's what feels right. take in the feeling completely, grieve for real rather than try to stop it or numb it down. and when you've had enough of that (don't spend more than an hour, and try not to repeat every day), get up from your chair and cook yourself something to eat, go for a walk, or do something else that will take you out of the grief and back into daily life.

[DriftingCrow]

[insideontheoutside]

Nimrata has great advice. I agree about spending some time meditating.  Here is my own take. I got to a point where I realized that I was spending far too much of my time craving things - wanting things to be one way and not the other, wanting to be doing something else than what I was doing, wanting to possess something I didn't have.  I still do this - I think we all do - but when I find myself doing it, if I am fortunate, I can stop myself doing it and just relax and be in the moment.  To just be there with it - whatever I was feeling - and accept it.  If it was grief, I would accept it as grief.  If it was pain, I would accept it as pain.  We all suffer and we all do little things to try to escape that suffering. And we can alleviate that suffering temporarily, but it returns again with more cravings. We haven't done anything to make it go away.  If this sounds familiar, then yeah - it is the foundation of Buddhism, and is part of the Four Noble Truths.  Rather than focusing on how things could have been (or "should have been") or how we want things to become - just feeling acceptance for what actually is. That is not to be complacent. Life is to be lived and plans are to be made.  But to spend time craving a past that never existed rather than enjoying the gift of our lives as they exist in reality (with both pain and pleasure) or to be wishing for a reality that, when we are honest with ourselves, is probably not possible is just to prolonging our suffering. 

You have the right idea to be ok with your grief - but also to see it for what it is and be ok with letting it go as well.   I am not religious, but these concepts helped me learn to be ok with myself (which is still an ongoing process) and, at the very least, being mindful of craving and trying to catch myself helped me quit smoking seven years ago.  I probably should start practicing mindfulness on this again though - cravings for horrible food that is hurting my health is an ongoing struggle! I need to kick its ass before it kicks mine.

^ This. And what Nimrata said. Look into mindfulness meditation. It is basically what Buddhist meditation does (but you don't have to be Buddhist to practice it). Try Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Mindfullness for Beginners" as a starting point (there's also a lot of stuff on YouTube of him speaking and guided meditations).

[JoanneB]

I'll be a contrarian and declare I don't ever want the emotional equivalent of a bullet proof vest. Having now spent a few years on the other side of the 'Living in my head' DMZ, I can tell you the grass is certainly greener on this side of the border.

Sure, rainier at times. I shed plenty of tears. Certainly far happier. Discovered joy and passion. A nice trade off. I still do spend plenty of time in my head. Besides getting paid well for it, it is also a big part of who I am. A problem solver.  Albeit, a formerly really really BAD one when it came to MY personal problems.

One of my still big head problems is over-thinking things. Especially playing the no-win "And then what?" game when trying to sort out how things today will drive a future life. The other problem is somewhat related to over-thinking. It is taking ownership of negative feelings and their triggers. It is good to accept them, to examine them, to even question them, and then Let Them Go. It is an unfortunate programming error of most humans to not let go of negativity. Positive, uplifting, wonderful events we can easily dismiss as a fluke, happenstance, luck. This is true for most people.

I think that so much comes down to this; Being trans, you are taught by society that you are inherently bad. Therefore, bad begets bad. We deserve bad things. With self acceptance this tended to reverse for me. However there are still some pretty strong triggers that still affect me. Especially as my leanings towards fully transitioning are stronger.

Another tool I use is posting inspirational sayings or quotes. One that a friend told me one evening as I went on and on why I am crazy said "Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours", a quote from Illusions by Richard Bach of Jonathan Livingston Seagull fame. Both are must reads for me on like a yearly basis.  Another posting is the Serenity Prayer, the full version. Also a daily affirmation.

Since living in my head, and being a world class "And then what?" player, I also have been very poor at being able to live in the moment. In part due to training myself that emotions are unacceptable to show, except anger as a male. They need to be first ignored or analyzed, which sure does not allow for being spontaneous.

My therapist recommended the practice of Mindfullness, or Mindful Meditation, best popularized by Jon Kabat-Zin. This sort of is part of the aboves examining your feelings and not taking ownership of them. I cannot say I've been able to really practice it as it is taught due to extenuating circumstances in my home life. However, I think what I have learned and been able to practice has helped.

I guess a common theme here is living your head is a usefull tool, just not the only tool. The old adage of "When all you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail" certainly applies. Finding the right tool, For You, can be a trial and error process that takes time. Use that head to honestly asses the one you are learning. The tool may seem unwieldy, if not impossible to use at first. Yet, it may become an indispensable item in your toolbox once you get the hang of it

[Elij]

A lot of really great ideas and information in this thread. I'm appreciating it a great deal.

Does anyone have any specific YouTubes or other online resources they use for meditation/etc?